should i risk it?

LegacyUser

hi, i am a 32 yr old male. and for the past few years, i have strongly considered having a sex change. i hate being who i am. id love to look like a woman, feel and act like a woman.i am married and ave two children. this is the main reason that ive not had it done sooner. i dont want to rip my family apart but i dont know how long i can go on like this. i have made enquiries about the procedures involved and have the money. my fear is that i will lose everything, my two kids especially. i dont want their lives to be uined beacuse of me. i dont want them or anybody close to me to ne humiliated and embarrassed. but like i said i dont know how long i can keep this charde going.
please help me with your opinions

Nuttzz

if you are 32 i'd say your kids are young, how will the cope with daddy being a mammy? there is a lot of social issues here, ranging from your general treatment in public to the effects on your kids (the school yard will kill them tbh)

I appreciate you feel your living a lie, but you have 2 kids and a wife, did you get married just for the sake of it? if you really didnt want this then you have made a mistake but are you willing to wreck at least 3 other lives just because you feel you're living a lie.

you've made the bed, lie in it. you're a man, a husband and a father, act like one.

BoozyBabe

I do agree with what Nuttzz said, but this is a really tough one.

There is a lot of stigma attached, your family problably will get a lot of abuse over it, but, you're 32. You could easily live another 60 years.

I for one couldn't spend that long being something I don't want to be.
We only have one life & it's up to us to make the most of it & to be as happy as can be.

I really don't have an answer for you.
It's either hurt yourself or hurt your loved ones.

I guess it's up to you to decide which you could cope with best.

Do you also think you're homosexual? Are you planning on having your manhood removed, or, in an ideal situation would you still love to be with your wife? Or, do you not want your wife anymore at all & are only concerned for the children?

Miguel_Sanchez

Get counselling first. Make sure that this is really what you want.

Don't rush headlong into something so live-altering.

Talk to a professional, or indeed many professionals and see what they have to say. We are but people on the internet trying to avoid work and/or college.

AARRRGH

You will most likely lose everything.

See a psychiatrist/do everything possible to ensure this isn't just some kind of mental illness.

You really risk totally destroying your life.

Think it's bad now? It will likely only get worse.

padser

Be a man. Deal with it. You married someone and now have two children. We all make mistakes but in fairness you shouldnt ruin other people lives as well. Maybe in 20 yrs time or 15 yrs when ur children are old enough to deal with it, do what you want, but dont ruin their lives now.

super_furry

Assuming this isn't a wind up, you should probably start with therapy and see how you get on from there. Whatever you do, don't 'risk it.' Risk implies you're not sure and if you're not sure, you shouldn't even be considering it. It's not like you can just stick it back if you change your mind.

Tranzz

Hi adviseneeded
What everybody said about your kids and family is valid, I'm trans so I understand all the messed up feelings you're going through and trust me a decision like this makes a serious impact on your life, your families, your friends, your job and I don't think you should make any decisions until you've talked to an experienced councellor. If you're intrested send me a PM and I can give you the number of a really good councellor in dub who deals primarally with TS/TG paitents.

Whatever you decide best of luck.

Dave!

I don't think you should, no. You've got a wife and two kids now, it will destroy them, it's too late at this stage.

It's an unfortunate situation, but I'd recommend you go see a councillor and try and find different ways to change your life and make it more fulfilling without taking this drastic step.

Miss Fluff

Tranzz wrote:

Hi adviseneeded
What everybody said about your kids and family is valid, I'm trans so I understand all the messed up feelings you're going through and trust me a decision like this makes a serious impact on your life, your families, your friends, your job and I don't think you should make any decisions until you've talked to an experienced councellor. If you're intrested send me a PM and I can give you the number of a really good councellor in dub who deals primarally with TS/TG paitents.

Whatever you decide best of luck.

Exactly. Before the Op anyway you will have to livethe life of a woman for a certain period of time. You really need to go and talk to a professional about this and make sure that this is the right decision for you. You say it's been the past few yearsthat you have felt like this. Have you discussed this with your wife? Is it a relatively recent development? PM Tranzz and go and talk to a professional.
Best of Luck

Tranzz

Miss Fluff wrote:

Exactly. Before the Op anyway you will have to livethe life of a woman for a certain period of time.

2 years RLT(Real life trial), it's expensive (New wardrobe, surgury, hair removal, maintenance for your wife and kids, a divorce), painfull both physically (Electrolisis/laser/facial surgury/hormones/reassignment surgury)and emotionally (losing your wife, losing your kids no court will grant you access, losing your family/friends, mood swings from the hormones). I'm not trying to put you off I'm just trying to give you some perspective because it's not a decision to take lightly. Thinking you look passable when you dress up in private is a far cry from being passable when you have to walk by a building site. the best advice I can give you at this early stage is talk to a professional.

Miss Fluff

Tranzz wrote:

2 years RLT(Real life trial), it's expensive (New wardrobe, surgury, hair removal, maintenance for your wife and kids, a divorce), painfull both physically (Electrolisis/laser/facial surgury/hormones/reassignment surgury)and emotionally (losing your wife, losing your kids no court will grant you access, losing your family/friends, mood swings from the hormones). I'm not trying to put you off I'm just trying to give you some perspective because it's not a decision to take lightly. Thinking you look passable when you dress up in private is a far cry from being passable when you have to walk by a building site. the best advice I can give you at this early stage is talk to a professional.

My friend's boyfriend went through this whole, painful process some years ago, and yes Tranzz, it's definitely not a decision to be taken lightly. It's a dark, lonely place for anyone having to make that decision. After consulting the best professionals in the UK and having the Op (at MASSIVE emotional & financial expense) he realised he had made a hurrendous mistake and attempted suicide. Think about this very carefully OP.

Canis Lupus

Live with who you are. You're well past the time when you had less in the way of obligations to be met. Sometimes just cos we want something doesn't mean we get.

In reply to Miss Fluff, I'm going to hell but I laughed at your friends boyfriend story.

Miss Fluff

Canis Lupus wrote:

Live with who you are. You're well past the time when you had less in the way of obligations to be met. Sometimes just cos we want something doesn't mean we get.

In reply to Miss Fluff, I'm going to hell but I laughed at your friends boyfriend story.

I know it sounds funny , but wasn't when he realised having his meat n' two veg cut off wasn't the right decision after all......:eek: :eek: :eek:

Tranzz

Canis Lupus wrote:

Live with who you are. You're well past the time when you had less in the way of obligations to be met. Sometimes just cos we want something doesn't mean we get.

Not to be controversial or anything but if he really does want it then he can get it, he'll just have to be prepared for lots of work and the possibility that he'll could lose a lot on the way. but saying that not everybody loses their family. I know many TS who are still with their partners from before they "came out". I don't mean to be rude but most replies have been very dismissive of him and how he feels. being like this is hell, it can seriously screw with your head and it's not like you can ever, ever get away from it. And you certainly can't just ignore it. no matter what you do or where you go you're reminded and the usual eventuallity for most TS's is suicide. Luckly though there's alot more help and support out there now so don't try to cope alone, contact me or outhouse. it doesn't nessessarly mean you have to go through with it but trust me it's such a weight lifted when you share the problem.

In reply to Miss Fluff, I'm going to hell but I laughed at your friends boyfriend story.

not funny

padser

Tranzz wrote:

he'll just have to be prepared for lots of work and the possibility that he'll could lose a lot on the way.

Eh lets forget about the possibility of stuff he will lose. Thats his own fault for getting married and having kids when felt he wasnt even a man. But his kids and wife are completely innocent in this and dont him to put them through the sh1t he inevitablity will if he does this. At th very least wait until the kids (im assuming they are quite young at the moment) are 17/18. Then at least they will have the option of accpeting 'him' or moving out etc.

Tranzz

padser wrote:

Eh lets forget about the possibility of stuff he will lose. Thats his own fault for getting married and having kids when felt he wasnt even a man. But his kids and wife are completely innocent in this and dont him to put them through the sh1t he inevitablity will if he does this. At th very least wait until the kids (im assuming they are quite young at the moment) are 17/18. Then at least they will have the option of accpeting 'him' or moving out etc.

But what kind of life will they have if he can't take it anymore and kills himself? I'm not trying to justify what he wants to do or advise him in anyway what decision he should make what I did was my choice and affected nobody else but me and I can't see any harm in him talking to a qualified professional, sometimes whats for the best in the long run isn't always apparent at the beginning

Fanny Cradock

and a sex change will magically fix everything? the OP never mentioned suicide, so i'm not sure why you are mentioning it. though i do agree that the OP definitely needs some impartial counselling.
good luck

Zombrex

adviceneeded wrote:

i hate being who i am. id love to look like a woman, feel and act like a woman

Not to state the obvious, but you won't look, feel, or act like a woman you will look feel and act like a man who has had a lot of cosmetic surgery to make him look like a woman.

Just like the women who have gone under the knife don't look any younger they just look like old women who have had plastic surgery, I have never seen a person who has had a sex change that looked like anything more than a man who has had a sex change.

So I would try and be realistic about what you think this operation will do for you. It's not going to make you into a woman, its really just an extension of dressing up in drag.

chump

"Live the lie" - Jaysus

Zillah

Wicknight wrote:

Just like the women who have gone under the knife don't look any younger they just look like old women who have had plastic surgery, I have never seen a person who has had a sex change that looked like anything more than a man who has had a sex change.

Sorry Wicknight but you have no idea what you're talking about. Perhaps you have ultra sensitive aethetics, but plastic surgery does work. Often it doesnt and you can tell, but a lot of the time its done well and looks well.

To the OP. I empathise with you, and I feel bad for you're situation, but im afraid that as hard as it would be for you to maintain your life as it is, its not fair to put such a confusing situation on your family. Children have a difficult enough time as it is, and I don't want to sound offensive, but you have no right to land such a bombshell on them at such an important time in their lives.

Zombrex

Zillah wrote:

Sorry Wicknight but you have no idea what you're talking about. Perhaps you have ultra sensitive aethetics, but plastic surgery does work. Often it doesnt and you can tell, but a lot of the time its done well and looks well.

Depends what you mean by "work".

It is phsycially impossible to reverse the aging process of skin and bone. It is physically impossible to make someone look younger.

All you can do it alter the phsyical make up of a person so it appears to look kinda different. No a lot of people are happy with this, but they don't look like they looked 5-10-15 years ago, they look like they look now only like they had plastic surgery.

Plastic surgery can't make you look like a younger person, it can only make you look like someone who has had plastic surgery. For some people thats enough

With a sex change the reality is even further from the idea. A man cannot become a women. A man cannot become even close to looking like a woman without nature already putting in feminine features to being with. Really all a sex change does it slightly alter a person so they have more female features (breast for example). But in reality you are a man with some female features, not a woman.

chump

Wicknight wrote:

Plastic surgery can't make you look like a younger person, it can only make you look like someone who has had plastic surgery. For some people thats enough

You're talking nonsense Wicknight. Of course it can make people look younger. People "looking" younger is open to interpretation of course, but you must be living on the moon to think that plastic surgery CAN'T make you look like a younger person.

Zombrex

chump wrote:

You're talking nonsense Wicknight.

only in the same way putting shoe polish on your face makes you look like a black person :rolleyes:

secret_squirrel

Whilst its important not to overlook the impact on the kids, thats not totally a reason not to go ahead with it. Quite frankly most kids are more flexible and adaptable than adults and as long are they are still part of a loving enviroment they are likely to grow up as reasonably well adjusted imo.

People saying 'think of the children' should also consider the impact of growing up in a household full of unspoken tensions since the fathers living a lie. Those same tensions could quite easily destroy the family anyway.

OP obviously you cant just pop into a hospital and have an op. You have a massive transition period if you go ahead. It costs you nothing to get as much advice as possible on this issue before you make any irreversable decisions.

bug

adviceneeded wrote:

hi, i am a 32 yr old male. and for the past few years, i have strongly considered having a sex change. i hate being who i am. id love to look like a woman, feel and act like a woman.i am married and ave two children. this is the main reason that ive not had it done sooner. i dont want to rip my family apart but i dont know how long i can go on like this. i have made enquiries about the procedures involved and have the money. my fear is that i will lose everything, my two kids especially. i dont want their lives to be uined beacuse of me. i dont want them or anybody close to me to ne humiliated and embarrassed. but like i said i dont know how long i can keep this charde going.
please help me with your opinions

your charade as you call it, is the life you lead, the life you decided to choose.
At what point did you make this decision? were you walking down the isle thinking "god you know I feel like a woman inside" ? What is the story about people not thinking before they act? i dont get it..

I mean for example and Im not saying that this is the case in the OP's circumstance, but he can say Im wrong.
Why would you wait until you had two kids, were married, and all that to start being worried about the consequences of embarrassment?Embarrasment of all things? F**k embarrasment. Its your kids emotional security!
Someone doesnt just doesnt wake up and want a sex change over night.

And I wouldnt accept the excuse, well society doesnt permit, so I tried it out to see if i could deal with it..
do people not realise that THEY AT LEAST SHOULD NOT HAVE KIDS if they have any doubts? I mean, at least with a spouse, you can call yourself hilda and wear whatever you want, turn into pete burns and she can call you a pr**k until her last dying breath.. but WHY OH WHY bring kids into your own personal hell?

There are children involved, whom I sure you love. They matter, and you had your adult chances to address your fears before you brought your emotional fiasco on them.

Go and see a professional. BEFORE you start pricing the OP.

Tranzz

Wicknight wrote:

Not to state the obvious, but you won't look, feel, or act like a woman you will look feel and act like a man who has had a lot of cosmetic surgery to make him look like a woman.

Just like the women who have gone under the knife don't look any younger they just look like old women who have had plastic surgery, I have never seen a person who has had a sex change that looked like anything more than a man who has had a sex change.

So I would try and be realistic about what you think this operation will do for you. It's not going to make you into a woman, its really just an extension of dressing up in drag.

You are completely wrong hon,I look, feel, or act like a woman. I never felt(or looked or acted) like a man. feeling like a woman is one of the reasons we put ourselves through all this sh*t.

Zombrex

Tranzz wrote:

You are completely wrong hon,I look, feel, or act like a woman. I never felt(or looked or acted) like a man. feeling like a woman is one of the reasons we put ourselves through all this sh*t.

Well I don't really want to get into an argument with you hon, but I am pretty sure the vast majority of people can tell you are a man who has had a sex change, rather than a woman. And by the very nature that you aren't a woman you can only ever feel and act like you think a woman feels and acts. There is a difference

Nevyn

Wicknight lets not get side tracked on this issue.
That may be your opinion and the opinion of some people but not everyone and not the person who as under gone this journey in thier life.

If some one reguardless of thier physical gender presents themself to me as male or female the I will treat them that way it is rude do otherwise.

adviceneeded
You need to go and get help for your sake and for the sake of your family.
You have a lot of hard decisions to make that will effect the rest of your and thier lives.
You and they will need a lot of support and you try to unravel and set to rights your life and deal with the impact on those you love.

Tranzz

Wicknight wrote:

Well I don't really want to get into an argument with you hon, but I am pretty sure the vast majority of people can tell you are a man who has had a sex change, rather than a woman. And by the very nature that you aren't a woman you can only ever feel and act like you think a woman feels and acts. There is a difference

Its obvious you have an issue with this so say whatever you like from here on in I don't really care about your opinion to be honest.

Zombrex

Tranzz wrote:

Its obvious you have an issue with this

The only "issue" I have with this procedure is that it doesn't turn someone into a woman, so someone shouldn't expect it to, which is what I pointed out the OP to consider before making that decision. My worry would be that the OP has unrealistic expectations about what this operation can do, or can make him feel. He should be considering the reality of the operation

Tranzz wrote:

so say whatever you like from here on in I don't really care about your opinion to be honest.

Then why are you replying to my posts?

Slutmonkey57b

This is a tough situation to face, and I don't envy the OP one bit. I don't think Wicknight is necessarily going OT here, and frankly Tranzz's "I don't care about your opinion" is nothing more than sticking your head in the sand. There was a documentary on c4 last year about the very first sex change patient - a man who had campaigned and fought for years to "become" a woman, lived as a woman for almost 20 years, only to realise that he had made a mistake, and had surgery to attempt to reverse it.

Wicknight is right on one point - the OP needs to realise that a "sex change" operation is NOT[/a] a sex change - it is cosmetic surgery - very heavy cosmetic surgery, backed up with heavy hormone treatments, but it is purely cosmetic all the same. Gentically, you are a man, physically you are a man, you may have a fake vagina, but you do not have ovaries, you do not have a womb, you do not have the basic physical differences in terms of metabolism, hormones, etc that make women physically different from men. You will not be having periods. Mentally, you will not have the formative psychological experiences that mould a baby into a girl, into a teenager, into a woman.

I don't say any of this to be dismissive, or to say that the issues of transgendered people should be ignored. What I'm saying is that being "polite" in the face of it, is not necessarily the best course to take. OP, you need to realise that your body does not have a physical need to be female. Genetics took care of that in the womb. What you are facing are mental issues, and you need to take a long time to talk to a professional about what you're feeling.