Made a huge cock up

LegacyUser

Last night I made a huge mistake with my girlfriend.
We have discussed this situation before but last night came out of the blue.
Its basically about fantasizing about other people. for ages I believe that my partner did as I. She would tell me that she would have fantasizes about co-workers etc. and I did not have a problem with it, however, as it turns out she wasn't being honest. she was really doing this just to get under my skin. And so, when i swore that she would end up hooking up with one of my best mates after we split she got very angry. I she said it was cause she wouldn't never do it as it would hurt me, however, since i said otherwise she thought that I could be able to do it to her.
She has asked me if I fantasize about other women and I have always been honest. The truth is I do, when im alone. This hurt her as she revealed to me that she never thinks of anyone else but myself.
Now I've always been skeptical about this, especially since my previous relationship, where my ex would even make comments about other men not flirting with her enough. however, in this instance i am now feeling guilt. She views me as the right man for her but that im too young. Im in my early twenties and she is a year older.
I am also her first sexual partner. she was a virgin (and never told me before hand)
Am I wrong in being so skeptical about her faith in me? I've adopted the opinion that your partner will fantasize however, none of this appears to be true for her.
This morning we talked and what was basically planned out was that we would continue dating till some time in the summer, where she is going to move away and I will more than likely stay put even though i have no ties.

I can't help but feel that part of me wants to be able to sleep around, purely for the male viewpoint of sleeping with more than 3 women for my life, but im also very worried about the possibility of not being with her since,other than these kind of arguements, we have a blisteringly good relationship.

Is it just instinct trying to dictate my life or are the fantasies my subconcious telling me what i should be doing.

skywalker

That post seems very confused. Is she going to move away for a reason or just for the hell of it? Why continue seeing one another if she intends moving away in the summer?

py2006

Women are very jealous creatures by nature! EVERYBODY window shops! Men AND Women! Of course she has fantasies about other men.

Ask any women who watches Desperate Housewives do they have fantasies about the gardener!!

She will get over it.

As for telling you that she is planning on dumping you in the summer, now that would hurt me more!

AngryBadger

Sounds like she wanted to feel you'd only ever think of her, but at the same time have you thinking that she was a woman of the world and could have any number of men she wanted. Which you completely misunderstood, and who can blame you? Al you can do is explain to her what you've explained to us, if she can't deal with that then show her the door.

As to her feeling you're too young for her. What? You're a year younger than her, and you're both in your twenties??? Garbage to that.

Finally if you feel that you want to be playing the field, then break up with her and play with the field. there's nothing wrong with wanting to sample the menu for a few years, but you are being unfair to her to maintain a relationship that is kind of under false pretences.

BoozyBabe

py2006 wrote:

Women are very jealous creatures by nature! EVERYBODY window shops! Men AND Women! Of course she has fantasies about other men.

Ask any women who watches Desperate Housewives do they have fantasies about the gardener!!

That's Bullsh!t!!!!

In fairness, I'm probably in a V big minority, but I've just never understood that.

I actually don't fancy people based on looks, & never understand girls that drool over guys based on looks alone.

It's personality that makes me fancy people & then looks is a bonus.

I mean I can say that Brad Pitt is V easy on the eye, but I don't fancy him, drool over him, fantasise about him.

(Or Like Kiera's post with the picture of the guy. Yes, he's nice, but pictures / looks aone do absolutely nothing for me)

Never have, never will.

I honestly only fantisise about my bf.

That's the Truth

py2006

BoozyBabe wrote:

py2006 wrote:

Women are very jealous creatures by nature! EVERYBODY window shops! Men AND Women! Of course she has fantasies about other men.

Ask any women who watches Desperate Housewives do they have fantasies about the gardener!!

That's Bullsh!t!!!!

In fairness, I'm probably in a V big minority, but I've just never understood that.

Isn't that a contradiction!

py2006

BoozyBabe wrote:

It's personality that makes me fancy people & then looks is a bonus.

I like to think thats the way I look at things too. There is a friend of mine thats absolutely beautiful but the thing that really attracts me to her is her beautiful personailty! Its a rarity to find people with both!

Kinetic^

py2006 wrote:

As for telling you that she is planning on dumping you in the summer, now that would hurt me more!

I'd get rid of her now, what's the point in continuing something that's going to end in a few months.

BoozyBabe

py2006 wrote:

Isn't that a contradiction!

No, it's not.

I'm just acknowledging that there are plenty of girls who do fantasise on people based on looks alone.

You said "Everyone Window Shops" "Ask any women who watches Desperate Housewives do they have fantasies about the gardener!!"

My answer was, that's bullsh!t:- not EVERY woman does.

That's all.

py2006

BoozyBabe wrote:

No, it's not.

I'm just acknowledging that there are plenty of girls who do fantasise on people based on looks alone.

You said "Everyone Window Shops" "Ask any women who watches Desperate Housewives do they have fantasies about the gardener!!"

My answer was, that's bullsh!t:- not EVERY woman does.

That's all.

Now thats rubbish! Are you telling me that when your in a relationship you spend all your time staring at the ground?? That is utter nonsense, everybody takes a 2nd look at somebody they find attractive.

And I am not talking just about women, I am talking about humans!

BoozyBabe

py2006 wrote:

Now thats rubbish! Are you telling me that when your in a relationship you spend all your time staring at the ground?? That is utter nonsense, everybody takes a 2nd look at somebody they find attractive.

And I am not talking just about women, I am talking about humans!

No, I don't need to stare at the ground because I just see guys & girls all around, not hot fella's that I want to screw.
I don't find people 'attractive' until I know them. I see fella's that are good looking, I see girls that are good looking & both mean the same thing to me:- absolutely nothing.

Honestly, no matter how good looking a guy might be, he could never walk by me & I'd think "God, I would!!!"

Seriously, looks just DON'T do it for me.

I'm not bull****ting. If I met a particular guy out every night I was out for a few months & we got on really really well I'd probably start to fancy him & if he then walked by me I'd probably be going "God I'd love to jump you", but only because I now know that he's a lovely person.

It's been 11 years since I've pulled a complete stranger. Surely that should show you I'm being honest. I have to get to know the guy first.

Seriously

py2006

Well I wasn't necessarily talking about sex. I purely meant you would glance at somebody you find physically attractive!

I believe its a perfectly natural human characteristic.

I am not suggesting that you would consider cheating based on it.

Anyway, we are not helping this guy out here!

po0k

OP: The wagon's taking you for a ride.

LegacyUser

We have been dating for over a year now.
She is moving cause she wants to, and the invitation for myself was there, its me that is hesitating on it.
She is not gonna break it off with me when she moves, its based on a discussion of me fantasizing about other women and of being an age where i may wish to sample the menu.
When she said she was a one woman man she meant it as boozeybabe does, she needs to build a kind of bond with the person to be able to do anything with them.
Early on in the relationship she made a mistake of kissing a fella she had the hots for well before me, however, it was after this she realized that he wasn't the guy she thought he was and she felt she had made a huge mistake, one that to this day when its mentioned hurts her immensly. To be fair, she was rather drunk when it happened and the guy himself and position himself to be able to make a move. But that is some time in the past, i forgave her and she has done nothing similar since.
I have always felt guilty about fantisizing about other women, even though i know its beyond my control, it kind of feels like failed suicide when i do. And i can understand why she got upset when i brought it up. Nobody wants to know that their SO considers other people.
I have explained this as being purely based on an urge for relief. but theres only so much explaining you can do.

I guess i just feel like i've shot myself in the foot. Im stubborn to admit making a mistake and have often held out on appologising until she made the first move. This is just my nature its something i try avoid.

I guess what I am trying to ask is if its worth giving up on sampling the menu for someone who could be your ideal partner. Do other men in happy relationships honestly dont fanasize about other women?
Looking is one thing, fantasies are something different, and acting on them is totally different again.

py2006

Unregbloke wrote:

Early on in the relationship she made a mistake of kissing a fella she had the hots for well before me, however, it was after this she realized that he wasn't the guy she thought he was and she felt she had made a huge mistake

Whoooooooooooo! Hold it right there buddy! So its a guilt thing!! Thats a whole different thing altogether!

So you admit you have had a fantasy about another woman and she gives you a hard time. Thats rich coming from somebody who cheated on you!

py2006

Unregbloke wrote:

I guess what I am trying to ask is if its worth giving up on sampling the menu for someone who could be your ideal partner. Do other men in happy relationships honestly dont fanasize about other women?
Looking is one thing, fantasies are something different, and acting on them is totally different again.

Dude, SHE had no problem "sampling the menu" while she was in a relationship already!!! She didn't like what she ordered so she decided to stick with what she had already!

She has a nerve giving you a hard time over this, I'd throw it back in her face if she gets out of hand!

BoozyBabe

I reckon men in happy satisfying relationships do fantasise about other women & think it's perfectly normal to do so.
They'd never dream of acting out those fantasies as there's only one woman for them & they'd never risk losing her.

The questions you are asking, only you can answer.

Would you be happy never sleeping with another woman for the rest of your life? (i.e. only sleeping with your girlfriend)

If you don't think you can, then end it.

You might just need to get the casual sex thing or short relationships out of your system before you realise they're no biggy & then you;ll be ready to settle down with the one special woman.

If you think you're happy never to sleep with anothe woman then stay with this one (if she wants you) & be happy with that.

I think the odd fantasy is harmless

Ag marbh

Your relationship sounds like a headmelt. I would leave her behind and move on with my life

Ickle Magoo

I think it's fair to say "most" people have had fantasies at some point.....obviously it's not for absolutely everyone.....I don't have fantasies about dating or marrying the guy, just doing lots of lovely naughty things with him - something I would probably never get the chance or opportunity to do in real life...hence why it is just a fantasy.....I don't touch men I have only just met either but I think there is an enormous difference between fantacising over a stranger and actually wanting the person in real life - for me the fact I don't know him is the very essence of the fantasy - he is whatever I want him to be.....;):p

Anyway, OP, your post sounds like neither of you are really into the relationship in the longer term.......your gf is not being honest, has cheated, is trying to make you jealous, thinks that you are too young for her and you think you want to sleep with other women - and now you are both quite happy for the relationship to come to a natural end in the summer......if you really wanted to be with each other, I don't think these issues would crop up.....lots of couples share their fantasies and use them to spice up their love life - in a solid, honest and trusting relationship where neither party have security issues, it doesn't cause problems......Best of luck

py2006

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Anyway, OP, your post sounds like neither of you are really into the relationship in the longer term.......your gf is not being honest, has cheated, is trying to make you jealous, thinks that you are too young for her and you think you want to sleep with other women - and now you are both quite happy for the relationship to come to a natural end in the summer......if you really wanted to be with each other, I don't think these issues would crop up

Exactly! Give that girl a pat on the back!

Victor McDade

Its up to you man, you need to decide if she's the one. If she is, then do whatever you have to do to be with her and put this all behind you. If she's not, then get out now, dont wait until the summer. And as for all the other advice, bottom line....you know her whereas none of us do so we cant judge

Best of luck

el tel

Ag marbh wrote:

Your relationship sounds like a headmelt. I would leave her behind and move on with my life

^^^ here, here!

Plus, if she is to be believed regarding her virginity, you got to pop her cherry. There's nothing more to be gained here so bail out now before you lose your mind.

BoozyBabe

el tel wrote:

you got to pop her cherry. There's nothing more to be gained here.

GROW UP!!!

Airblazer

py2006 wrote:

Dude, SHE had no problem "sampling the menu" while she was in a relationship already!!! She didn't like what she ordered so she decided to stick with what she had already!

She has a nerve giving you a hard time over this, I'd throw it back in her face if she gets out of hand!

kissing a guy and realising you've made a mistake isn't considered cheating...
cheating is your girlfriend with her ankles behind her head and some guy banging the fuuck out of her...
also it was early on in the relationship and a guy that she previously had the hots for...is it not better for her to get this out of the way earlier on rather than 4 or 5 years into a relationship and she's thinking to herself that she'd still like to jump this guy...
from the sounds of it the op has found his perfect partner but he's willing to jeopardise this for the sake of sex with a few strangers..
I was faced with the same choice in my past and I choose the casual sex route to my external regret..

Ickle Magoo

Airblazer wrote:

kissing a guy and realising you've made a mistake isn't considered cheating...

Isn't cheating just cheating? It doesn't matter if it's my husbands tongue in someone elses mouth or his c*ck - the fact is he shouldn't be doing it - and if he had any love or respect for me & our relationship, he wouldn't do it.....I don't think you can really put cheating on a scale of what is "acceptable cheating" & what isn't, or give a partner x amount of months to cheat before it becomes an issue - that is open to abiguity and misinterpretation.....we also don't know if the kiss would have lead to the ankles behind her head if given the time &/or opportunity.....or that it wasn't ankles behind the head & only a kiss was admitted.....:eek:;)

Fanny Cradock

Airblazer wrote:

kissing a guy and realising you've made a mistake isn't considered cheating...
cheating is your girlfriend with her ankles behind her head and some guy banging the fuuck out of her...
also it was early on in the relationship and a guy that she previously had the hots for...is it not better for her to get this out of the way earlier on rather than 4 or 5 years into a relationship and she's thinking to herself that she'd still like to jump this guy...
from the sounds of it the op has found his perfect partner but he's willing to jeopardise this for the sake of sex with a few strangers..
I was faced with the same choice in my past and I choose the casual sex route to my external regret..

some people, including me, would coonsider kissing someone else while in a relationship cheating.
did you even read the post?

Airblazer

Fanny Cradock wrote:

some people, including me, would coonsider kissing someone else while in a relationship cheating.
did you even read the post?

there's different levels..for some people kissing the opposite sex would be cheating but for more people someone admitting that they kissed someone while drunk mightn't be..it's all down to the person..for the op this doesn't seem to be an issue from what I've read...

maybe u should reread his post

py2006

Fanny Cradock wrote:

some people, including me, would coonsider kissing someone else while in a relationship cheating.
did you even read the post?

Exactly!!

As Dr. Phil says, "If you wouldn't do it in front of your partner, then its considered cheating"

(yea yea, so I have watched a couple episodes of Dr Phil)

py2006

Airblazer wrote:

there's different levels..for some people kissing the opposite sex would be cheating but for more people someone admitting that they kissed someone while drunk mightn't be..it's all down to the person..for the op this doesn't seem to be an issue from what I've read...

maybe u should reread his post

Rubbish! Its all cheating! Just because your partner doesn't give a crap or isn't hurt by it doesn't mean it isn't cheating!

Airblazer

py2006 wrote:

Rubbish! Its all cheating! Just because your partner doesn't give a crap or isn't hurt by it doesn't mean it isn't cheating!

oh so your opinion counts over everyone elses???

BoozyBabe

To be honest, I don't know where I stand on this one.

I don't think a drunken kiss that she immediately owned up to is cheating.
BUT:- if I found out my boyfriend while drunk kissed another girl, I'd be VERY hurt.

As it's a new relationship, if he was really genuinely sorry & told me about it like the OP's GF did, then I'd forgive him, as people make mistakes, as long as they learn from them etc...

If it was a LONG term relationship though & there was serious commitment & it happened, I might not be so forgiving.

I don't think what the OP's gf did was so bad, but I can imagine it'd hurt a bit.

(Is that not the most mixed up, contradicting reply you've ever read!!!)

Ickle Magoo

Airblazer wrote:

there's different levels..for some people kissing the opposite sex would be cheating but for more people someone admitting that they kissed someone while drunk mightn't be..it's all down to the person..

That is very true - it would bother me but it may not bother the OP.....but then the OP said he'd "forgiven her" which tells me there was a wrong doing to forgive......:)

Fanny Cradock

BoozyBabe wrote:

if I found out my boyfriend while drunk kissed another girl, I'd be VERY hurt......

I don't think what the OP's gf did was so bad, but I can imagine it'd hurt a bit.

(Is that not the most mixed up, contradicting reply you've ever read!!!)

yes

Airblazer

so besides the "cheating" issue who thinks that the op should stay with his g/f?

py2006

Airblazer wrote:

oh so your opinion counts over everyone elses???

Eh what??? Only giving my opinion, I didn't say anything about it counting over anyone elses! I just disagreed with you.

Pigman II

When a woman tells you she has fantasies about some other guy the best thing you can do is get jealous. They love it. Reciprocating in kind will get you nowhere

rsynnott

py2006 wrote:

Women are very jealous creatures by nature! EVERYBODY window shops! Men AND Women! Of course she has fantasies about other men.

Back to after hours with you.