CantGetAGrip

LegacyUser

Not sure where to start with this. The shortest explanation would be that for the last 6 years I've been following a life path that wasn't really of my coosing. Somewhere between junior cert, and leaving cert my sense of worth got tied up in my academic/professional success. So much so that when I didn't get the course i wanted I wanted I was completely traumatised by my sense of dissappointment, shame, and failure. I felt that anyone who'd ever doubted mt had been right and that I was a total screw up. So we're clear, I got in excess of 50 points, so I in no way screwed up, but i really believed I had.

I couldn't face repeating the LC at that time, obviously in hindsight that would have avoided a lot of the **** that's happened since but howsoever. In a bid to avoid repeating, but save face, (othat's how i was thinking), and give my self another chance to prove everyone wrong, I accepted a place on another course, it was related to my original goal, and it did use what are some of my innate skills, but I was completely disinterested in it. My first year in college was a disaster, my sese of failure was so utterly complete I couldn't form friendships, or relationships of any kind. I was driven to prove that i wasn't a failure, and consequently I destroyed everything that came my way. I managed to alienate the bulk of my fellow students, (in a class of 300 people that takes doing), to behonest I don't even know how I did that. it seemed to be lated to my insistence on asing questions, which was simply me not understanding and neding to aks, so eventualy i stopped doing that and reserved my queries for after levtures.

Anyway, this pattern continued, a constant sense of failure, and shame, persistene sabotage of any, and all romantic relationships, feeling that know matter how well i did it was never enough.

I finished my degree, I got a 2.1, something to be proud of surely? But all I could feel was more failure, because it wasn't a 1.1 I found a position doing postgraduate research, and this would have led to me getting a phD, and it seemed to suit my interests, (as if I even knew what they were at this stage), but again it exploded on the launch pad.

A combination of total incompetence on the part of my direct supervisor, my own inexperience both in research, and the particular I'd decided to work in, and my constant internal struggle with this negative view of myself led to me nearly having a nervous breakdown, and eventually telling these guys to shove their position.

Fast forward to the now. I'm submitting for and msc in the research i was doing. I've recently realised why my life has been such a drudgery over the last 6 years. And now I'm trying to undo that. But I'm having a difficult time of it at the moment.

While all this was going on I felt thistremendous sense of responsibility for everyone, regardless of the extent of my involvement with a person, somehow it always became my job to pick them up whenever they fell down, to be a good friend in so far as was possible. I denied myself so much that everyon around me took for granted, jesus I wouldn't go out with girls I liked simple because i wasn't looking for a long term relationship. A lot of people seemed to take my good nature, ('cause i'm generally a good natured guy), for me being a soft touch, and there's always ben a lot of taking advantage going on, but i've never set it to right because I....this will sound stupid, but i felt I deserved to taken advantage of. I'd had all the chances, and somehow I'd screwed it all up.

I dunno. I'm just looking at my life right now, and I'm angry, and bitter, and twisted up. I've broken off contact with a lot of people who pissed me off recently and in the past, people who were jealous, or jerks to me at a time when i could really have used someone to just say, "you're doing ok man, far better than you realise".

This is so retarded, I'm 6 ft off, i'm a good looking guy, I'm built like a small tank, I'm a trained singer, I'm brilliant at whatever i try to do, but i can't seem to forgive myself for something that I never actualy did, i'm not even sure what it is anymore. Part of me knows that i'm not a bad guy, and i shouldn't be so hard on myself all the time, but it's hard to break habits I've beaten into myself for the last 6 years.

Anyway. I need to get that rant out. Thanks for reading.

Slutmonkey57b

On the one hand, you're telling us you're a worthless screw-up, and on the other you're telling us you're brilliant at whatever you do and good looking. What this tells me is that you're just running yourself to extremes. You either love yourself (convinced you're better than a 2.1 student), or you hate yourself, and you can't reconcile the two.

What you need is a bit of perspective - go into councelling or therapy and talk to a professional who can help you get a handle on how you view yourself and what your expectations are.

AngryBadger

Kind of inclined to agree with the above, and the other thing is, aren't you in a pretty good position to do whatever you want as of now? not saying that should solve all your problems, but certainly it's worth thinking about.

Zillah

You're screwed up. See a proffesional.

Now while that might seem a bit like im trolling, im not. That is my honest conclusion after reading the original post.

You are a very unhappy person with a convoluted and contradictory self image, obessed with success and the threat of failure etc.

I, and plenty people here could give you a bit of insight into your motivations and share our opinions, but ultimately the only good you can do for yourself is to see a psychologist.

And by that I don't mean someone that'll nod and prescribe drugs, I mean someone smart and trained who will listen to you, make you hear things you might not want to hear and bring to a point where you can be honest with yourself.

Fanny Cradock

Zillah wrote:

You're screwed up. See a proffesional.

Now while that might seem a bit like im trolling, im not. That is my honest conclusion after reading the original post.

You are a very unhappy person with a convoluted and contradictory self image, obessed with success and the threat of failure etc.

I, and plenty people here could give you a bit of insight into your motivations and share our opinions, but ultimately the only good you can do for yourself is to see a psychologist.

And by that I don't mean someone that'll nod and prescribe drugs, I mean someone smart and trained who will listen to you, make you hear things you might not want to hear and bring to a point where you can be honest with yourself.

nice post

Nevyn

Unhelpful posts like that Fanny will get you baned from this forum
do read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.

---

CantGetAGrip you do need a change of direction your life and some help with your self estime.
Go talk to you dr about finding someone tht you can work with this could be from a counsellor to a life coach.
Good Luck

Fanny Cradock

waaaaat

i was agreeing with the post. it wasn't meant in the way you believe.

mountainyman

You have a marked superiority and inferiority complex brought on by an inability to distinguish aspirations from requirements.

A short course of therapy would probably make you much happier.

MM