Single Parents

LegacyUser

I'm posting in the hope that I can get some advice from people who have been in my situation, or some of the guys on the boards could give me some advice and help me understand better how to "get bck out there".
My story, cause its not a problem!, Is that I'm a 25 year old single mum to a wonderful 7 year old girl and I'm fairly happy with my life but would love to add to it by meeting a guy. I work hard and have a good circle of friends but miss having someone special around. I broke up with my babys father before i had her and afterwards had a 2 year relationship, but have now been single for a few years. I find it hard to meet people anyways as I can't go clubbing often, but would once a month and I get out to dinner or for coffees once a week. Then when guys do approach me i am unsure whether or not to mention my child straight away, it;s not that I'm ashamed in anyway about my sittuation, but is it too heavy to say it straight off? Also how do i appear more approachable? I am attractive and recieve compliments but the men who approach me in bars are always far from sober or lewed.... I don;t know anyone in the same situation and can't get any unbiased advice from my guy friends so I'm hoping someone here can suggest how to go sbout it! Thanks in advance.

BeardyGit

If you meet a guy you think might be worth investing time and effort in, level with him from the offset. Many people I know have had relationships with "single mothers". In fact, back in 1970 my father began a relationship with a single mother .... She told him she had a son (my older brother) and although I'm sure there were questions asked and answered, and even considering the very grave social stigma attached to a single mother at the time, my Dad was a good guy and saw past it.

One of my best friends has married a girl who had a child a couple of years before they met. I know they're both happy and I'm delighted for them. I also know that he wouldn't have developed a relationship with her if he'd not been told from day one what he was getting into.

Of course it's not all going to be sunshine and roses. You're going to meet guys who just don't want to get involved. You could hide the truth and hope they'll be okay with it but I wouldn't take the chance if I were you. If you start out by being honest with them you'll know yourself whether or not they're good guys for you by their reaction.

Some guys won't be able to handle it, and that's okay too. Don't think they're narrow-minded - They may simply not be prepared for what a real relationship with you might involve. They make their decision about what's good for them at any point in time, just like you will for you (and your daughter).

I hope this helps - It'll get the ball rolling anyway and I'm sure others will chime in with their thoughts and perhaps even with their personal experience.

Gil

py2006

From a guys point of I view I have to be honest in admitting that its very difficult to get involved with a single mother.

I did try it once and I found that her child grew quite attached to me at a very early stage and I knew that the girl wasn't really for me after a few weeks. It then turned into a situation where I was not only breaking up with the girl but also with her child.

If you meet a guy, do tell him about the child. But I think when you start dating to start with, perhaps it would be better if it was just the 2 of you for a while. If things go well and you feel you are going to be seeing each other more long term then you could start bringing the child into it.

I hope that doesn't come accross as being a bit harsh.

MadMoss

From a guys point of view in the same situation.
When meeting girls i would generally say that i had a son on the second date. i found some girls liked the idea of this but some felt that i was bringing baggage to a relationship, i guess it depends on the girl.
I would never introduce anyone to my son unless we had been seeing each other for at least a month, sometimes a little more. I felt that this kind of thing had to be handled with tact (for my sons sake more than for the girl). I was trying to make sure there was stability in his life rather than change.
Anyways i never looked on another girl having children ment that i wouldn't go out with them. I suppose i could even relate a bit to a that kind of woman.
Anyways things worked out for me as i found a girl who accepted us both and we married. (She didn't have children btw.)
I think i'm rambling a bit.
Hope this helps
Later.

Ag marbh

I find single mothers that age admirable and would have the opposite opinion to most guys. If I really liked you and then found out you had a kid i'd see it as a strenght in your character.

I suppose everyones different

crazymonkey

As a man i would not find it a problem, as another poster said the second or third date would be about right time to mention it, and then wait a month or two before introducing the guy to your daughter,,

sceptre

^ what crazymonkey said. It wouldn't bother me but then I may be atypical.

SexeeAussie

Oh hang in there ok!

When I was 25 I had a 6 year old, as a single mother, so I know where you are coming from.

It is extremely hard to find the time or the inclination to go out...although at that age I didn't find it hard to find guys to spend time with.

'Dating' in Australia is actually really different than Ireland from what I understand.

I am always up front with guys I meet. If they can't handle the fact that I have children, then that is their issue. And I don't want someone turning around after I have started to like them saying "oh well, you didn't tell me you had kids"

I actually find that most guys are fine with me having kids. Although it's a lot harder to balance times alone etc, it also makes YOU a person that can manage your time and finances etc...

Good luck :-):)

Beruthiel

you should be honest from the start.
I told my b/f on our first date, however, I did not introduce him to my daughter until 6 months into the relationship, as at that point I believed we were going somewhere.
You should never introduce your child to someone unless you are sure, this saves them from getting attached

Nuttzz

Beruthiel wrote:

you should be honest from the start.

good advice, if he turns and runs after you tell him this then he's not going to be the one for you.

Lux23

I think you should be honest from the start but I wouldn't let anyone get involved in the child's life until you are sure about them.

AngryBadger

I'd say mention it sooner rather than later,, I wouldn't necessarily bring it up the second you meet a guy, maybe decide that on a case-by-case basis, but definitely within the first few weeks of meeting someone.

It's a tough one to call, some guys will bolt, some will not, but I wouldn't view it as a "Hurdle" so to speak, if you tell a guy and he reacts negatively, well then he's not the one for you.

That said, I can appreciate that it's hard to meet someone when you don't have a lot of chances to go out. But i certainly wouldn't worry about telling a guy the second he starts talking to you. Meet him once or twice, and if you think he won't have a problem with it then tell him, it's not a big deal as you say yourself, it's just that you worry that it will scare guys off.

As regards being more approachable or whatever. Sadly a lot of guys do need to have drink in the before they'll talk to a woman. It might be worth trying to in itiate things yourself. If you see a guy you like, say hello to him, initiate a conversation, I think you'll be pelasantly surprised with the response you get, and any decent guys i know would be bowled over by a woman doing this.
And anyway, do you really want to be going out with a guy who only has the cajones to talk to you when he's sozzled? Man that could make fopr some boring dates....or very interesting ones I guess

Hope that helps

Femelade

to the OP, i am in the exact same situ as you, i am 25 with a 4 (nearly 5)yr old daughter, broke up wit her dad nearly 3 yrs ago. i have had a few short relatoinships since but nothing ever came of it.

I myself try to be honest from the start wit people i meet but its hard to continue that when it never works out, but as someone said already, its the narrow minded guys that wont want anything to do with you because of your child.

please pm me if u want to chat about it.

brown*eyed*girl

Another singe parent here. Happy being single for now though. Its funny though when you're actually content being single is the time you seem to get asked out a lot more! Sorry off topic there but I would be honest from the very start. I also wouldn't introduce my child unless I knew the relationship was getting serious. Fair enough some guys might run a mile but I'd just see it as a sign they're not meant for you. I've dated guys who have kids too but because a lot of single Dads don't have custody its probably not as big an issue for them.

As for where to meet people. I think whether you have kids or not that clubs aren't really the best place to meet potential partners. Perhaps do a night course or join a club or take up some sports. I think if you're meant to meet someone it will happen. Think of it this way if you met someone really special and he told you he had a kid it wouldn't turn you off so if its meant to be it will be. In the meantime get out and flirt and have lots of fun because when you least expect you'll meet someone. Best of luck.

Just to add my Mam met my stepdad when I was around 12 and they married when I was 16. I'm thirty now and myself and my stepdad get on brilliantly. So there can be happy endings.

BaZmO*

Femmy wrote:

its the narrow minded guys that wont want anything to do with you because of your child.

I don't think that comment is fair. Just because a guy doesn't want to get involved with a girl that has a child it doesn't make him 'narrow minded'. For some guys it's just something that they don't want to do. But there's a million different reasons why people choose to or choose not to be in a relationship.

Down through the years I've gone out with a few single mothers and if I'm honest, when I was younger it was something that I found difficult to deal with. However, I always liked being told from the start, but not like, "Hi, I'm Kate, I have a child" but definitely by the first proper date.

One thing that I always felt uncomfortable with was when the girl tried to introduce me to their child after a couple of dates. I always felt that it was unfair to the child especially when you could never be 100% sure that the relationship would work out after only a couple of dates.

I wouldn't have a problem with it now though, but it would really depend on the situation.

Just like in all relationships there are no written in stone rules but being honest is always a good start.

godtabh

I've been with two single mothers.

I meet one of the children because I was a friend of the family (I was a good friends of the family).

The second time I didnt meet the child because we werent going out long enough.

I wouldnt be put off by single mothers. I would be put off if I felt the girl was only going out with me for a father figure.

Some men dont want the "baggage" that maybe involved (mainly I think because they are unsure of the situation). Be honest and see the out come. Not every one is gona like it but thats their loss.

brown*eyed*girl

BaZmO* wrote:

I don't think that comment is fair. Just because a guy doesn't want to get involved with a girl that has a child it doesn't make him 'narrow minded'. For some guys it's just something that they don't want to do. But there's a million different reasons why people choose to or choose not to be in a relationship.

Down through the years I've gone out with a few single mothers and if I'm honest, when I was younger it was something that I found difficult to deal with. However, I always liked being told from the start, but not like, "Hi, I'm Kate, I have a child" but definitely by the first proper date.

One thing that I always felt uncomfortable with was when the girl tried to introduce me to their child after a couple of dates. I always felt that it was unfair to the child especially when you could never be 100% sure that the relationship would work out after only a couple of dates.

I wouldn't have a problem with it now though, but it would really depend on the situation.

Just like in all relationships there are no written in stone rules but being honest is always a good start.

Bazmo I hate when I see poor little kids having to be introduced to Mammy or Daddy's new boyfriend or girlfriend every few months or so. Its awful. I know a girl who introduces her new boyfriends every time immediately and her kid must've been so confused. My daughter only ever was introduced to one of my boyfriends (she's nearly 13 btw) and that was my son's Dad whom I was almost married to. We didn't work out but we were together for quite a few years and I'm now single nearly 18 months. I've had a good few flings but my two kids don't need to know. I would say hold off of introductions for around 6 months as this is when you would know if its going to be serious or not. To be honest I'd prefer to date someone older than me and who has kids himself as its a lot easier for him to understand where I'm coming from. Unfortunately I seem to only attract younger guys at the moment but its just the way it goes.

BaZmO*

brown*eyed*girl wrote:

Bazmo I hate when I see poor little kids having to be introduced to Mammy or Daddy's new boyfriend or girlfriend every few months or so. Its awful. I know a girl who introduces her new boyfriends every time immediately and her kid must've been so confused. My daughter only ever was introduced to one of my boyfriends (she's nearly 13 btw) and that was my son's Dad whom I was almost married to. We didn't work out but we were together for quite a few years and I'm now single nearly 18 months. I've had a good few flings but my two kids don't need to know. I would say hold off of introductions for around 6 months as this is when you would know if its going to be serious or not. To be honest I'd prefer to date someone older than me and who has kids himself as its a lot easier for him to understand where I'm coming from. Unfortunately I seem to only attract younger guys at the moment but its just the way it goes.

Yeah I know a couple of girls that seem to do the "meet your new Daddy" routine straight away. I suppose it really depends in what context the meeting up is in. If it's just a case of, "This is my friend Tom" and nothing else it's not so bad as kids have to meet your friends anyway and sometimes friends comes and go so it's just a part of life. It also depends on the age of the child. Thing is though, generally if you trust your instincts you'll make the right decision.

Single_mom wrote:

Also how do i appear more approachable? I am attractive and recieve compliments but the men who approach me in bars are always far from sober or lewed....

Apart from wearing a T-Shirt saying "I'm a really nice person, please talk to me" there's no secret. If you're just waiting for guys to approach you, you will tend to get the drunken/lewd types falling up to you. But having said that, a smile or a simple "hi/hello" goes a long way to being more approachable when you're out.

LegacyUser

Hey all, thanks for all the replys. It great to hear from guys who don;t find it an issue. I've just had a couple of odd experiences with men the past few times i went out. As for introducing my babs to a guy, she's only met the one i dated when she was very young, we were together a couple of years, she doesn't even remember him. Angrybadger, I'd love to have the confidence to chat up a guy but don't really have it.
It's so nice to hear of the single mums who it's all worked out for. I'll admit I'm pretty gaurded around guys, worrying about their reactions and how much to mention, if anything. I do feel i would be bringing a lot of hassles to a relstionship for the man. I can't be so spontanious or go out so often, but in turn wouldn't want to have them in the house with dd too soon. Vicious circle.

chump

I'd say don't mention it at all. Or else do mention it. Your call TBH.

BaZmO*

single_mom wrote:

I do feel i would be bringing a lot of hassles to a relstionship for the man.

There's no point in thinking like that, if a guy wants to be with you that's something he'll have to deal with.

chump wrote:

I'd say don't mention it at all. Or else do mention it. Your call TBH.

Great advice there. :rolleyes:

chump

BaZmO*, I'd rate my advice 9/10. And I'm a notoriously difficult marker.

AngryBadger

single_mom wrote:

Angrybadger, I'd love to have the confidence to chat up a guy but don't really have it.

Fair point, i know a lot of people have difficulty with that. But i'm not suggesting chatting them up, just saying hello. If you say hello/hi/how are you or whatever to a guy that you'd like to talk to, you're letting him know that you're interested. Doesn't have to be anything more than that, any guy worth his salt will pick up the hint, and hopefully start chatting you up. Basically you're letting the guys know who you want to talk to, but you don't have to put yourself out there in a big way, or feel pressured to do something.

BaZmO*

chump wrote:

BaZmO*, I'd rate my advice 9/10. And I'm a notoriously difficult marker.

Well if the marks were for stating the bloody obvious I'd mark you even higher.

Gillo

Single_mom wrote:

I'm posting in the hope that I can get some advice from people who have been in my situation, or some of the guys on the boards could give me some advice and help me understand better how to "get bck out there".

Single Mom, seems like you are getting advice anyway, from my own experience there's alot of single mom's out there. For my part I am a single dad admittedly my daughter lives with her mother most of the time, I've always been open with "chatting up" someone and found most girls/ladies to be fairly receptive. The ones that weren't, well I figured there was no point putting any effort into it. I've always made of point of telling people early on and found it to be better.

So my advice is to tell guys early? as for finding a nice guy that's the hard part. It's a case of getting out more, have you many people who can babysit (I know, it's alot easier said than done)? Even if you just go out for a drink, try going to different venues.

I'm starting to ramble so I'll sign off, but if you want to talk about it more feel free to pm me.

andrew1977

i too am a single dad and like the last poster, my son lives with his mam, but i take him to stay with me most weekends,i dont have to take him every weekend but because i dont see him during the week,i like to spend the time with him so i dont miss out on all of his childhood , which are the best days of his life .
I find it hard too when i go out and mention to the opposite sex that i am single parent, they seem interested in knowing about him at first, but then if a second date is on the cards, when i mention "oh i have to see how my son is fixed " and "i might not be able to make that night due to parental commitments ", you can easily gauge how interested they are if they say,ring or text me if u can get a sitter
some are non interested straight away and for me ,if they dont have any interest in my son , thats them forgotten about immediately
it is hard to find somebody who will accept that i have a son , and i dont want to pick the wrong person if they dont like my son but my son comes first
i just hope i am not left on the shelf long term

Most of us seem to be in the same boat,hard and frustratin ,i agree

Khannie

My wife was a single mother when I started seeing her. I'd known her for a few years as a friend (I was going out with someone else when we were first friends). I knew full well that she had a child when we started going out, and it didn't bother me, but it did make me feel like I was making a commitment earlier than I would have if there were no child involved. This wasn't an issue for me. I pretty much knew straight away that she was "the one".

Ruthie said 6 months before an introduction. Personally, as the other party, this would have been too long for me. The reason: What if the kid was a nightmare child to deal with? In a relationship with a single mother, the temperment of the child becomes part of the relationship. Luckily it wasn't an issue for me. I'd suggest that you needn't introduce your partner as your partner. Just as a friend so that your child and partner can see how they get on together.

As for telling blokes: I'd suggest you be up front about it, but I wouldn't draw attention to it. If they're gonna have a problem with it, you may as well know before you start wasting your time and their time.

As for meeting blokes: Post school / college it does become harder to meet people. It sounds like you're lucky enough to be good looking, and that helps, but pubs are a terrible place to meet prospective partners IMO. Parties are a much better bet. That way you can get "inside" information on people that you got on well with from your friends.

Best of luck!

frobisher

I'm a full time single parent too. It's different for me as I'm a dad but I think there are some things worth keeping in mind.

I think how you mention it is as important as anything. What I do is that I don't rush into mentioning it but never ever hide it. That would ring alarm bells. Also be sure to show that you are happy in yourself and being a single parent. Don't let them think you're looking for a step dad!

I think that when you meet someone you fall in love with, the issue of having a child is completely irrelevant. I think one of the defining charecteristics of new love is that you want to be with each other no matter what the situation.

Have you thought of internet dating? I know a girl who is in love and getting married to a guy she met on a website.

God luck!

niall06/2005

Single_mom wrote:

Dads for Kids are a good organization that not only give great advice to single dads but give great advice to single girls to.
They hold meetings and social events all the time with there mixed members, where you meet the members and make new friends.
As I’m a separated dad I find the organization very good. >You should give it a shot.


Contact the team leader (RAY KELLY) at:

DADS FOR KIDS
_________________
0868879444
014514295

frobisher

I just had a look at that site. Doesn't engage me to be honest. Are they Irish? Seems very American in it's outlook and approach to the role of faith". Still, as a single dad I'm interested in hearing more.

niall06/2005 wrote:

Single_mom wrote:

Dads for Kids are a good organization that not only give great advice to single dads but give great advice to single girls to.
They hold meetings and social events all the time with there mixed members, where you meet the members and make new friends.
As I’m a separated dad I find the organization very good. >You should give it a shot.


Contact the team leader (RAY KELLY) at:

DADS FOR KIDS
_________________
0868879444
014514295