Unlucky in love

LegacyUser · 03-02-2006 7:41pm #1

Hi everyone,
I'm getting really depressed about this. Basically, I'm really, really unlucky in love. My first relationship was when I was 17, it was 9 months on constant fighting with him causing rows and then forcing me to apologise, manipulating me and implying that I was lucky to be with him because no-one else would want me. I'd practically have to beg him to get him to spend any time alone with me, he never made time for me and was generally a git, every time I suggested doing something or going somewhere he said we'll do it in the summer, deliberately building my hopes up, and when the summer came he left me saying he wanted to meet other people.

Second boyfriend was another asshole. Never so much as gave me a cuddle or a kiss, I always had to do it first. Would occasionally ask me to stay over but when bedtime came he'd just say goodnight, would roll over, and go asleep. I told him if he didn't make more of an effort I'd break up with him and his reply was "whatever" so I broke up with him. I later found out he'd been with someone else all along.

So now I go out to clubs and stuff, kiss boys, they say they'll call but they never do. Both the boyfriends who I was so good to and who treated me like **** in return are now in happy long-term relationships, while I'm on my own. I've never had anyone tell me they love me and I seem to have no sex appeal whatsoever. I just don't know what to do.

smiles · 03-02-2006 8:18pm

blueshoes wrote:

Hi everyone,
I'm getting really depressed about this. Basically, I'm really, really unlucky in love. My first relationship was when I was 17, it was 9 months on constant fighting with him causing rows and then forcing me to apologise, manipulating me and implying that I was lucky to be with him because no-one else would want me. I'd practically have to beg him to get him to spend any time alone with me, he never made time for me and was generally a git, every time I suggested doing something or going somewhere he said we'll do it in the summer, deliberately building my hopes up, and when the summer came he left me saying he wanted to meet other people.

Second boyfriend was another asshole. Never so much as gave me a cuddle or a kiss, I always had to do it first. Would occasionally ask me to stay over but when bedtime came he'd just say goodnight, would roll over, and go asleep. I told him if he didn't make more of an effort I'd break up with him and his reply was "whatever" so I broke up with him. I later found out he'd been with someone else all along.

So now I go out to clubs and stuff, kiss boys, they say they'll call but they never do. Both the boyfriends who I was so good to and who treated me like **** in return are now in happy long-term relationships, while I'm on my own. I've never had anyone tell me they love me and I seem to have no sex appeal whatsoever. I just don't know what to do.

I'm sorry you had such a crap time, guys are indeed crap. (yes, a broad general statement -- girls are also crap)

I suggest you stop looking for a boyfriend. Get some hobbies and get out and meet people, meeting guys in clubs generally doesnt lead to a long term loving relationship. Sex-appeal is one thing, but would you prefer having guys want to sleep with you, or guys wanting to be with you? Sex appeal will guarantee the first, but not always the second.

Give yourself a chance, and good luck.

tonyinuae · 04-02-2006 11:57am

This isn't about people being crap, it's about people thinking they're crap. Your problem seems to be one of self-esteem, or self-love. Why stay in (or even enter into) a relationship with someone who doesn't give a *** about you? What's the rationale there?

As long as you don't value yourself, the people you meet will not value you any higher, generally speaking.

Try to get to the bottom of the problem - WHY don't you love yourself?

You could read 'Self Matters' by Dr. Phil, it might give you some insight into the problem.

Good luck!

Pigman II · 04-02-2006 12:11pm

tonyinuae wrote:

You could read 'Self Matters' by Dr. Phil, it might give you some insight into the problem.
!

I always felt the PI forum should be shut down the day someone reccomended a Dr.Phil book on it.

op. I don't like the that that guy was implying he was too good for you but the fact that you put up with it for 9 months suggests that he probably was or at least you believed he was too good for you.

Sounds like you have problems with your own self worth tbh. You need people to tell you that the love you and you don't find yourself attractive either. Sort yourself out first instead of trying to find a man that'll solve all your problems.

tonyinuae · 04-02-2006 12:24pm

Pigman II wrote:

I always felt the PI forum should be shut down the day someone reccomended a Dr.Phil book on it.

that guy was implying he was too good for you but the fact that you put up with it for 9 months suggests that he probably was or at least you believed he was too good for you.

Sort yourself out first instead of trying to find a man that'll solve all your problems.

Yes, OP - wave a magic wand labelled 'Sort Yourself Out' - you'll be grand!

Pigman II · 04-02-2006 12:41pm

tonyinuae wrote:

Yes, OP - wave a magic wand labelled 'Sort Yourself Out' - you'll be grand!

Ah, good ol sarcasm! 'So how's that workin for ya?'

Anyway, like I touched on earlier, read "Wave that magic wand" by Dr. Huckster. I did, lost 50lbs married a supermodel and am now CEO of a fortune 500 company.

LegacyUser · 04-02-2006 12:47pm

tonyinuae wrote:

This isn't about people being crap, it's about people thinking they're crap. Your problem seems to be one of self-esteem, or self-love. Why stay in (or even enter into) a relationship with someone who doesn't give a *** about you? What's the rationale there?

As long as you don't value yourself, the people you meet will not value you any higher, generally speaking.

Try to get to the bottom of the problem - WHY don't you love yourself?

You could read 'Self Matters' by Dr. Phil, it might give you some insight into the problem.

Good luck!

Funny you should say that cos "Self Matters" is the only self-help book I've even attempted to read! I gave up after about 3 chapters.

tonyinuae · 04-02-2006 12:51pm

Pigman II wrote:

Ah, good ol sarcasm! 'So how's that workin for ya?'

Anyway, like I touched on earlier, read "Wave that magic wand" by Dr. Huckster. I did, lost 50lbs married a supermodel and am now CEO of a fortune 500 company.

Constructive suggestions would be helpful, as I'm sure the OP would agree.

py2006 · 04-02-2006 12:53pm

Sounds like another example of girls going for the assholes over the decent bloke again!

Ok, I will shut up now!

Pigman II · 04-02-2006 12:54pm

tonyinuae wrote:

Constructive suggestions would be helpful, as I'm sure the OP would agree.

I felt mine was a constructive suggestion even if you don't agree.

Out of interest how exactly is .....

Yes, OP - wave a magic wand labelled 'Sort Yourself Out' - you'll be grand!

helpful to the OP?

tonyinuae · 04-02-2006 3:09pm

Well, I think 'Sort yourself out' was your suggestion, not mine.

It turned out that as far as the OP is concerned, Dr. Phil was not, after all, a helpful suggestion.

Now maybe you have one? I mean one more specific than 'Sort yourself out'.

Pigman II · 04-02-2006 3:17pm

tonyinuae wrote:

Well, I think 'Sort yourself out' was your suggestion, not mine.

You know it was my suggestion, so no need to pussyfoot around with 'I think' etc. My point is that subsequent comments of 'magic wands' and the like were your response to my genunine suggestion. Comments on your part that were (despite your own highgrounded mantra) definelty not helpful to the OP.

It turned out that as far as the OP is concerned, Dr. Phil was not, after all, a helpful suggestion.

Now maybe you have one? I mean one more specific than 'Sort yourself out'.

Why be more specific? The op hadn't even considered that the problem was within herself and instead chose to put it down to 'bad luck'. Until she responded one way or another to that suggested possibility theres really no point addressing the matter in more depth.

Ickle Magoo · 04-02-2006 3:34pm

My first question would be why you would want to be in a relationship with someone who treats you less than well in the first place and then endure it for a whopping 9months?!!! :eek:

At the first sign that a man treats you badly, disrespectfully, etc, etc, leave.....there are billions of men in the world - don't feel you have to put up with anything you don't like! If his behaviour raises as much as an eyebrow of concern in you - get out of there!! Going out with idiot after idiot and not having the self-respect to dump them when they treat you badly is just continuing to lower your self-esteem and a continuation of the "I don't deserve a good guy...." script you are following.....I don't know your history - and I'm not asking you to tell me - but I think you must know of something that prompted your very first relationships to be so negative and why you chose to do nothing about it....

IMO you can't change anyone else - you can only change yourself and expect the behaviour others show you to change....if you want men to treat you better then change how you view men and their behaviour towards you and I bet you notice a big difference.....I don't know why you are so desparate to be in a relationship - especially with a history of less than rewarding partnerships.....if I were you I would make a pact with myself not to go near men for a while - have fun with your girl friends, do a bit of self exploration as to why you accept the bad treatment by men and when you feel confident and happy within yourself, let the men approach you and make some friends and see what develops.....I don't think you can really expect too much from men you snog in a nightclub & give your number to.....Best of luck

LegacyUser · 05-02-2006 12:03am

Well I bought another self-help book today so I hope it might work. I just couldn't help but feel the Dr.Phil book was full of waffle and gimmicks. The new book seems more straightforward.

My self-esteem is terrible, a lot of you were right about that. There was a lot of favouritism towards my older brother from relatives (him being the eldest son) while I was growing up and my mother has admitted that she goes a lot harder on me than she does on him or my other brother. I think this has something to do with it. Relatives always brought him places, leaving me at home, and he always got more presents too. To this day he can punch me and my mother will say nothing.

I was bullied very badly in school as well, made to feel like I was a piece of ****. I often actually feel more comfortable when people are like that with me than when they are nice to me, in which case I am always scared someone who doesn't like me will turn them against me or something. Though I'm not as bad as I was.

tonyinuae · 05-02-2006 6:14am

OP, I think you are doing the right thing by a) admitting you have a problem with self-esteem and looking at the reasons for that, and b) trying to do something about it, such as reading a book that addresses the problem and using that as a springboard for change. So far, so good.

Make sure the book does address your specific problem, however. I don't know which one you're reading, but there are some good ones out there on self-esteem and self-assertion.

I think the suggestion that you take a break for a while from men, dating and relationships is a good one, too. Get to know yourself, your thought-patterns and learned responses better, and when you are confident that they are changing in a positive way, then try them out on the dating scene. But really, the issue here is much bigger than just men - it's about all aspects of your life, and will take some time to change. Be patient, and don't lose hope. The desire to change is the first sign of change.

WhiteWashMan · 05-02-2006 10:27am

blueshoes wrote:

Hi everyone,
I'm getting really depressed about this. Basically, I'm really, really unlucky in love. My first relationship was when I was 17, it was 9 months on constant fighting with him causing rows and then forcing me to apologise, manipulating me and implying that I was lucky to be with him because no-one else would want me. I'd practically have to beg him to get him to spend any time alone with me, he never made time for me and was generally a git, every time I suggested doing something or going somewhere he said we'll do it in the summer, deliberately building my hopes up, and when the summer came he left me saying he wanted to meet other people.

Second boyfriend was another asshole. Never so much as gave me a cuddle or a kiss, I always had to do it first. Would occasionally ask me to stay over but when bedtime came he'd just say goodnight, would roll over, and go asleep. I told him if he didn't make more of an effort I'd break up with him and his reply was "whatever" so I broke up with him. I later found out he'd been with someone else all along.

So now I go out to clubs and stuff, kiss boys, they say they'll call but they never do. Both the boyfriends who I was so good to and who treated me like **** in return are now in happy long-term relationships, while I'm on my own. I've never had anyone tell me they love me and I seem to have no sex appeal whatsoever. I just don't know what to do.

first rule : people do stuff. sometimes its good, sometimes its bad.

you got the bad stuff.

the chances of finding someone for a realtionship in a club or pub are remote. some people are just really crap. as long as you realise that you were treated badly, and they the guys you dated were arseholes, then i hope you have learned about what you do and dont want in a relationship.

stop being so depereate to be told how great you are and how loved you are. work on how great you think you are. you dont need another human being to validate you, all you need is you.

UberNewb · 05-02-2006 8:10pm

I thought I'd post this to cheer you up!

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives......... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like ...Bananas........... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather........... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders........... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars.. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds.. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara........... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn........... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ...Snowstorms........ You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps........ Fun to look at, but not very bright 13. Men are like ...Parking Spots..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

py2006 · 06-02-2006 12:27am

UberNewb wrote:

I thought I'd post this to cheer you up!

Men are like....

1. Men are like ...Laxatives......... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like ...Bananas........... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather........... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders........... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars.. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds.. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara........... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn........... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ...Snowstorms........ You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps........ Fun to look at, but not very bright 13. Men are like ...Parking Spots..... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Women are headwrecking, manipulative, materialisitic, bad driving, money grabbing little head wreckers!

And to be honest most of the above applies to the little wrenches too!

LegacyUser · 06-02-2006 12:10pm

Have to say, tonyinuae, that was one of the best advice Ive heard in a long time and am going to remember that. Am in relationship hell at the mo too.

WhiteWashMan · 06-02-2006 1:24pm

py2006 wrote:

Women are headwrecking, manipulative, materialisitic, bad driving, money grabbing little head wreckers!

And to be honest most of the above applies to the little wrenches too!

entirely unlike men?

how is the weather on your planet today? its kinda cold on earth.

py2006 · 06-02-2006 2:08pm

WhiteWashMan wrote:

entirely unlike men?

how is the weather on your planet today? its kinda cold on earth.

Haha yes! A little drastic! I don't really mean those things! It was just in response to the post above to point out how ridiculous it was!

muppetkiller · 06-02-2006 2:22pm

I'm inclined to agree with taking a break from guys for the short term..
You really sound like relationships are security blankets for you...
which is the worst thing you can do...
Maybe travel on your own and find yourself..or take up something creative to find a avenue to express your insecurities/depression..it's very rewarding.

Here are some happy words to cheer ya up and remember ife is great..

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

tonyinuae · 07-02-2006 11:55am

ThatWasGood wrote:

Have to say, tonyinuae, that was one of the best advice Ive heard in a long time and am going to remember that. Am in relationship hell at the mo too.

Glad you found it useful. Sorry to hear you are in relationship hell - I have just split up with my bf of a year (his decision:( ), and am finding it all very sad, too - why does life have to be so difficult? Is it all down to bad choices, or what?