coming out???

JKY

Hey, Ive been viewing this site for a while and finally decided to ask my question.Basically, I need some advice.

Im 23 and Ive finally admitted to myself im gay.(a closet 1!!)
I spent the last 5yrs in college and had a 2yr relationship with a girl which i eventually ended when i realised it wasnt a phase i was going through.
even in my last yr at uni, i didnt join the glbt society even though i wanted to.all my friends were straight and well, didnt like gay people im afraid!!, so I never told any1. I dont feel im ready to tell any1. Ive recently started a full time job, and with the hours i work, i never get to go out much. But even if i did go out, i dont have the nerve to go to a gar bar/club on my own!!!!:( Most my socialising revolves around staff nites out, even more reason not divulge im gay!! i feel. I really dont know what to do, should I just come out and live my life or......? Dont think i could even do this!!!!
Recently, my cousin asked me if i was gay,:eek: she said she had always thought it, because i always seemed prefer female company to male going out in college and when we were young.We went to the same university,same course, together for 5yrs n well, she said she just knew,even if i didnt, I got very defensive n denied it!!! Now i avoid her like a disease!!, n she keeps texting me apologies!!

I feel lost n confused..... If anybody has any advice for me(or criticism)....
Id love to hear it!!!

BuffyBot

I'm not sure what exactly we can do for you - only you can make the big desicion.

First thing that strikes me is that you are still avoiding and not talking to your cousin (who appears to be someone who would be supportive to you). Considering you say that you were so close to her and yet are acting like this, it seems you have a bit of an issue with people knowing about your sexuality. I'd go so far as to say you are acting somewhat immaturely.

Maybe you need to figure out whether you can tell one person who is close to you the truth, or continue with your life as it is before going any further than that.

aquigley

JKY wrote:

Hey, Ive been viewing this site for a while and finally decided to ask my question.Basically, I need some advice.

Im 23 and Ive finally admitted to myself im gay.(a closet 1!!)
I spent the last 5yrs in college and had a 2yr relationship with a girl which i eventually ended when i realised it wasnt a phase i was going through.
even in my last yr at uni, i didnt join the glbt society even though i wanted to.all my friends were straight and well, didnt like gay people im afraid!!, so I never told any1. I dont feel im ready to tell any1. Ive recently started a full time job, and with the hours i work, i never get to go out much. But even if i did go out, i dont have the nerve to go to a gar bar/club on my own!!!!:( Most my socialising revolves around staff nites out, even more reason not divulge im gay!! i feel. I really dont know what to do, should I just come out and live my life or......? Dont think i could even do this!!!!
Recently, my cousin asked me if i was gay,:eek: she said she had always thought it, because i always seemed prefer female company to male going out in college and when we were young.We went to the same university,same course, together for 5yrs n well, she said she just knew,even if i didnt, I got very defensive n denied it!!! Now i avoid her like a disease!!, n she keeps texting me apologies!!

I feel lost n confused..... If anybody has any advice for me(or criticism)....
Id love to hear it!!!

Wow... de ja vu (minus a few years).

First off, I think you should jump at the chance to tell your cousin. It can be
very difficult to tell people but it gets much much easier... The best part
about having one person know, is that you can talk about things and she
might even know other gay people to introduce you to?

One word of warning, try to meet up with other people your own age
or in a similar position. I've run across a few nasty people in my time
who will take your coming out as silly or stupid (neither of which is true).
Such nasty little people can make you feel worse for not announcing it to
all an sundry and hence might start doing it for you (which you might hate).

However, in saying all this. I can only tell you myself and my partner
have been out for a long time and together for 8 years. No one even bats
an eye-lid at this stage! His parents want us to have a civil ceremony in the
North and my aunt a nun has met his parents... It's a very different society
as long as you realise that your sexuality is just one very small part of what
makes you, well you.

If you end up letting your sexuality define you rather than the other
way around, you run the risk of becoming a shallow one dimensional
characters. This isn't a value judgement but it's not how I see life as
worth living.

Good luck with it all!

Aaron.

anymouse

JKY..
coming out is no easy task. I left it until I was 31 and regret having done that. I'm sure that you have all sorts of perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to, or not feeling comfortable about the situation. This is only natural. I'm guessing that you probably don't outwardly come across as gay to most people, so it may seem easier in a way not to come out, but by not doing so, and exploring an important side of you, you are basically still in a kind of denial. Have you considered speaking to someone on gay switchboard. I know that when I was going through the torment of deciding what to do for the best that talking to someone who had been through it themselves and could empathise, really helped. Ultimately, it's still absolutely your decision, but don't end up living on regrets and having to make up for lost time. I would agree that if you are close to your cousin and she has already hinted at things, that it could be a good 1st step if you told her and were able to chat about things that are bothering you, as it sounds as though she would be supportive. There is a support group for young ppl called BelongTo www.belongto.org which caters for folks up to 23, so you may just scrape in!! Or there's resources available at the Outhouse. I think, ultimately, it can seem like one of the scariest things you can ever do, but once you have made the step, you kinda think " what was all the fuss about". Most people have been very supportive with me, and I realised that gay people are just normal everyday people, not just the OTT flamboyant stereotypes you see on Tv. There's nothing you can do to change who you are, goodness knows, i tried for long enough. Best of luck with whatever you decide. The 1st step out of your comfort zone is always the hardest.

oh.. you may want to check out this link and have a browse around the rest of the site.. http://www.queerid.com/html/articles_out.asp

damien

aquigley wrote:

If you end up letting your sexuality define you rather than the other
way around, you run the risk of becoming a shallow one dimensional
characters. This isn't a value judgement but it's not how I see life as
worth living.

Post of the week, post of the month.

Boston

I'd advise telling someone, even if it's just for your own health. Your words seem so tinged with dispair, like you're totally lost. Ask yourself can you live this way, are you willing to continue on this way untill you're 30/40/50... never knowning what it means to love and have someone or be loved and held by someone.

I can absolutely understand your reaction to your cousin, yea spend so long keeping it inside, and then someone challanges you on it. It can be very unsettling. reach out to her.

JKY

Firstly,Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to her tell and have arranged to meet her for lunch on wed!! Im still really nervous about telling her. To be honest,I dont think I can carry on this way and after a sleepless weekend of thinking about it, Im going to let it out to her on wed. Im not willing to go until im 30/40 like this.""never knowning what it means to love and have someone or be loved and held by someone.""....Your absolutley right, I couldnt and cant keep doing what im doing..... I dont think i will be able to tell my family or most my friends for a while, but this is a start!!!
So whatever happens next week, I guess it has to happen, because i feel like cracking withthe way things are at the moment.....!!
Il keep you posted on how good or bad the next week goes, I may need more help!!!
Anyway, Well, heres to one more gay doctor in ireland!!!!!, (if any)!

Goodshape

Good for you and good luck with it. Telling the first person is undoubtidly the hardest.. but it only gets better once you do

energy69

Best of luck JKY. At the begining it is really hard. Remember that the people who matter will always be there for you no matter who you are? They're the people that you want around you. I only came out 6 months ago at 31 yrs of age. All the fear I had towards it was unfounded. Visit somewhere like the Dragon on George's street and quickly you realise how normal it is. I was so surprised at how relaxed i felt in there and how all the ideas in my head were so wrong. A very smart lady that helped me through a lot of my sexuality fears was an author called Louise Hay. My favourite of her sayings is, "What other people think of me, is none of my business."

Its great to be out so that I can talk about stuff with someone when i need to. Its difficult dealing with something like that by yourself. You will be okay. Keep well.

damien

JKY, it isn't worth much I know, but no matter what happens and what is said, we're here for you in some small way and will do our best to support you. Many of us have been through this process and know what it's like. So come back after and pop the bottle of champagne or get hugs or whatever we can do.

Best of luck.

Damien.

aquigley

JKY wrote:

Firstly,Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to her tell and have arranged to meet her for lunch on wed!! Im still really nervous about telling her. ...
Il keep you posted on how good or bad the next week goes, I may need more help!!!
Anyway, Well, heres to one more gay doctor in ireland!!!!!, (if any)!

Good luck with it, I hope you find her supportive! I think the following line
while silly is a good opener, "So you know I've never had a girlfriend...".

Anyway, whatever happens the first step is the most important to take.

Aaron.

MicraBoy

Hope it goes well for you JKY. I was going throught the same thing as you this time last year. It's difficult, but you'll feel so much better getting it off your chest. Best of luck!

aaronquigley

JKY wrote:

Firstly,Thank you all for your advice. I have decided to her tell and have arranged to meet her for lunch on wed!! ....

Was any one else at all curious as to hear how this all went? I was expecting something from JKY?