Would you move abroad?

LegacyUser

Going unreg'd for this one

I had a largely long-distance, pretty long term relationship a good few years back (lasted 4 years, ended over 3 years ago). It ended in the most horrible way imaginable and absolutely broke my heart. I became a bitter and cynical man in his mid to late 20's and I guess it's only in the past year I've snapped out of this and really moved on with my life.

Before christmas I hit it off with a really intelligent, attractive and engaging woman. To be honest with everyone, I wasn't looking for anything to happen with anyone anytime soon if ever again. I had sort of decided that it's not worth the heartache that could follow so I'd deliberatly avoided reacting to any woman who showed interest. Well, I guess things don't work out the way we plan and I ended up falling for her in a big way.

We spent less than a week together before she flew home to *** (European country) for what I thought would be a christmas visit to her family and friends. She told me the night before I dropped her to the airport that she was actually moving home for good, had packed in her job and shipped her stuff off the week before she met me.

She didn't want to tell straight away when we met because she thought I wouldn't want to spend any time at all with her (and she was right). I thought to myself that there was no point in being negative, that we'd enjoyed each others company and that sometimes opportunities pass you by. She'd decided there wasn't enough to keep her in Ireland and her plans to move were already made before she met me. I guess neither of us were sure enough to make any decisions about what else could be done so we enjoyed a wonderfully romantic night (I'm an old fashioned git....It was romantic, not just lustful) together and I kissed her goodbye (passionately of course) in the airport the next morning.

I've not been pining over her since she left. We've kept in touch but I sort of miss her, silly as that might sound. You know the way you meet people that you just click with, people that you're instantly comfortable around, people that let you be yourself without feeling pressured to act in a certain way or whatever? Well, I'm not used to that but that's how she made me feel. Just good about me and great about her.

Life's good enough with just me on my own....Or so I thought. I'm not a sap. I don't do the whole obsessive pursuit thing. That's most certainly not what's happening here. But I do think about her often enough for it to be a distraction of sorts. I've thought a lot about what my life has in store for me and this had led to a re-evaluation of my priorities and challenging some assumptions I'd made about where I'd live, what I'd do and so on.

I don't know how this will all play out but I'm considering my options very carefully. I don't know anyone else who has moved abroad to follow their heart, but I'm seriously considering such a move as a possibility right now. It won't happen straight away but I'd be confident enough that she'd be supportive of such a decision. We'll be meeting soon enough when she's back in Dublin for a few days and the subject is likely to come up. So now you have the background and details, can anyone help me bounce this idea around? Have you done anything like this yourself or know anyone who has? Is it just a mad notion that I should try to let wear off before I make a real mess of everything? I'm trying to be rational and level headed here so some external perspective would help balance it out for me.

Ta very much boys and girls.

Gaillimhtaibhse

Got any vacation time coming up? You could beta test the relationship.

Jim10000

Spending more time with her before you both make a big decision is definitely a good idea, you can see how the relationship goes for that short period of time and that might determine the next step.
Is moving to her country practical from the perspective of work and language? And then you have to consider how much you'd miss friends and family too.
It'd be ideal if you could spend some time kind of trying it out without any longterm commitment, because there's obviously such a huge difference between holidays spent together and real life, but I don't know how you could manage that. Like the last poster suggested, would it be possible to take some time off and try to give life over there a mini go?

azezil

Don't rush into anything would be my advise, I experienced a similar encounter a few years ago, instantly clicked got on great etc.

He was in Germany, we stayed in constant contact, he came back over after 2 months for a week for some personal matters, but spent most of it with me, we both liked each other a lot and I was ready to pack up everything and just move over there.

Good thing I didn't, he meet someone else about a month later

Although you get on great and so on, not many people think like that, that such a thing would even be possible, that you'd drop everything to go be with her.

But do talk to her about it, I didn't until a long time afterwards, by then his feelings had changed and well... it was just awkward

WhiteWashMan

i agree a lot with az.

i would also say that i think youare still living your love life in the past.
now you meet someone who you might like, youve become a little obsessed.

infatuated i think is the word here. its all great, and you get all the wonderful feelings, but lets face it, after a week, what are the chances that you are right for each other. nobody knows the answer to that.

if you want to spend some holiday time together, go for it, but you will be in the long distance relationship again, and i think you know what thats like. its crap. i really dont think that after a week, a long distance relationship is going to work.
for a start its not fair on either of you.

i think it would be a stupid move to go abroad, to a country you dont know, to a woman you dont know, unprepared.

hell, you dont even know if the girl moved to ireland because she followed some bloke! and now they broke up last month, shes going home. that counld be you...

im not entirely warning you off it, im just saying i wouldnt do it

Ickle Magoo

Personally, I'd use it as proof that you will & are ready to click with other people and a sign that you are getting over your past relationship.....

If you do want to see more of this girl, ask her how she would feel about you coming for a visit before you envisage moving over there...for spending less than a week together that does seem a little OTT to me.....if she wants you to visit, go over for a couple of weeks & take it from there.....best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses. WWM, just to clarify, infatuation is not what's going on here. It certainly took years to get over my last big relationship but with my hand on my heart I can say the damage done there has been repaired. My baggage is in left luggage as such!

I've been seeing lots of different women, dating if you will, over the past year to 18 months. Just for fun and with little pre-conception about how exactly any of this should play out. This particular woman has simply captured my interest more than any of the others I've seen. I've referred to one long distance relationship but it's not the only one I've had. Experience has taught me some tough lessons (like most of us) and I'm pragmatic enough to know that I can't dictate how this would work out were I to move abroad. And I'd be wise enough to start to build my own life there, not just piggy-back off hers.

She's already asked me to come and stay for as long as I'd like. That's a genuine invitation too as it's been repeated numerous times and not just in passing. I'm well aware that everything could go arseways very quickly and would of course make sure I have a way out if that were to happen, at least for a while. I'm well aware that although I'm being realistic about it, she could certainly be infatuated! I'd never considered leaving Ireland for any period of time before but suffice to say I've been to the country where she lives many times with work and have a reasonably good level of fluency in the language.

I'm not trying to overthink things but my eyes are wide open to the possibility that it might not work out. Then again, it could work very well indeed. I'd consider it to be a viable prospect in a sense. As mentioned before, I don't want to pigeonhole myself here but I don't want to waste too much of my time in relationships with limited prospects at my age. There are things I want to do with my life and if I can find someone who shares the same goals and dreams (at least in part) then I'd be foolish to just turn away because of a logistical difficulty. So much to think about.

Thanks to all for the candid comments so far.

WhiteWashMan

if youve known the girl for a week, and you are considering moving country to be with her, forgive me for thinking its infatuation.

lazydaisy

Yes indeed infatuation.

Do you speak the language of the country you would be moving to?

Are you employable there?

Where is your family and support networks?

Who are you going to hang out with during those times when you're sick of each other?

No you wouldn't be foolish to turn it away because of logisitics. You'd be sensible.

Duck Soup

Strangely, it might not even be about the girl. You're in your mid-late twenties. For an old fugger like me, that's young and footloose. This might just be a good time to see the world.

If you have few commitments - a mortgage would be a big stumbling block - and you can either work abroad in your current profession, or have the money to travel for six months and the possibility of getting easily back in to your previous occupation on your return, then maybe it's not such a bad idea.

Don't hang everything on the girl, tho. It's pressure for you both and heaven knows that statistically 9 out of 10 relationships don't work out in the long term at your age.

Give it a go. But do it to get some life experience, broaden horizons and all that mallarkey. If the relationship works out, so much the better. But that shouldn't be your complete focus or intent.

oh good god...im in almost the exact same position myself...hurt a long time ago and had a 'never gonna fall in love again' attitude until some bloody foreigner got me to fall in love with her..didnt spend very much time with her...(this decision would have been way easier to make in six months time), but she went home yesterday & im thinking of going over to her...yeah it could go wrong, but shur phuq it, ya only live once..you might regret not doing it a lot more than doing it..if it doesnt work out at least youve had a while out of this place..man, even writing this reply has made me more at ease with the situation..listen to your heart..ive known the girl in question a while longer i suppose..bout four months..but if it was good..whats the worst that could happen..

LegacyUser

Fair play to you WWM for sticking to your guns but I'm not infatuated. And I'm not in denial either but I can see where you're coming from. I've actually known her for 3 months or so at this stage. So yeah, it's very early days and even more so with the distance thing. You're right, I don't have any interest in long distance relationships at all. Too much work. But I'm open to the idea that a move to her country could bring a

Lazydaisy - Perhaps a re-read of my first reply will help. In there you'll note that I've been to the country in question many times with work (12 or so times). Therefore, I'm confident that employment and progression of my career would be perfectly workable. In the same reply you'll note that I mentioned I have an adequate level of fluency to communicate effectively with the locals and the language for my type of business is English. Even then, I know I could improve my language skills but that really does require living in country. With reference to family and support networks - I'm largely self sufficient. I don't spend time with family apart from holiday seasons so this poses no problem. I make friends very easily as I'm reasonably sociable and generally a good guy. I'm also independent so I'll build my own circle of friends as a priority. What I'm saying is that I can work out my own problems in my own time when I have to without having to rely on friends or family for their support. You can probably tell that I'm very strongwilled and determined (don't mistake it for arrogance though) and so wouldn't walk away from a small challenge of settling in another country.

Hmmmm. Brings me to Duck Soup. You've given me something to think about there. And on the face of it, I think you might be on the money. Thanks. I'm happy with my life here and don't necessarily want to leave Ireland for any great period of time. But I'm certainly amenable to the idea of living elsewhere, perhaps for only a couple of years or maybe for longer. Who knows. Maybe she's little more than a catalyst for a move but I'd like to think I wouldn't be cynical enough to believe that fully.

CQD, more power to you mate. I'm not in love with this girl though. Maybe there would be more in store for us if I were to move. The impression I get is that we could be very good together but the proof of the pudding is in the eating, or so they say.

I'm considering the practical aspects as much as possible but don't want them to get in the way of a gut feeling. My judgement is generally sound and I can usually rely on myself to feel my way through a situation with ease. But that's in familiar surroundings. This is all new in a sense.

There's a very good chance that if I were to suggest she moved back to Ireland, she would. She's hinted as much. But I wouldn't want to put that much pressure on myself so early into anything. I'm not talking about jumping on a plane in a couple of weeks and heading off into an unknown future, just to chase after a girl. I'm considering what I might need to take into account before making any such move in perhaps 6 months time. To those who suggested going to visit when I can, that's a good idea and one that's already planned. But we all know, holidays and short breaks will nearly always go well. It's what happens in the bad times that will really tell how it's all going.

WhiteWashMan

if you are going to move country, do it becuase you want a change of scenery, you want to chaneg your life, you want do something different, you have a plan.

dont move cuntry to be with someone.

ive had someone do it for me. they returned to ireland after 2 weeks.

it wasnt pleasant. i have some knowledge in this

lazydaisy

Then what's stopping you?

Be mindful and aware. Settling in another country is not such a small challenge but not an impossible one either.

If you don't go are you going to turn this into a long distance situation?

Samhildanach

I followed my heart to China 3 years ago ... and I'm still here. I've never regretted it, not once. At the start everyone said I was crazy to give up my job and all the benefits of a stable life in Ireland but it has been a fantasticly enriching experience. When I left Ireland it was both for romance and also because I had a huge desire to travel and experience Asia. Ask yourself this, are you considering moving to her country purely for her companionship (you've only known her for a week) or is it some deep subconscious desire to change your life? If you're thinking of going purely out of the hope that you can develop a more meaningful relationship then it's simply not practical and very risky.

AngryBadger

I'd be inclinced to agree with the comments for spending more time with her.

Maybe head over for a fortnight, see how it goes.

As to the whole pigeonhole thing. Admittedly it's a big step. but if you did decide to move and it didn't work, so what? It's life, and you only get one

LegacyUser

Seems to me that you've thought this through quite well. You're not going in blind, you don't have unrealistic expectations, you are not basing your plans pruely around her. I dont see a problem, or see what advice you are looking for other than to bounce ideas off people! See how the trips go, remain as calm and realistic as you are now, and enjoy what may or may not come your way

HelterSkelter

Don't make any plans to move right now, get to know her first. Talk lots on the phone. Go over there at weekend or get her to come here. I'd spend at least a year getting to know her properly before making such a big move.

LegacyUser

It will always be good and happy when you're there on holidays and she's over here.

Having said that, if you both feel strongly about each other, I don't think the above is a good enough reason not to exchange visits and see how things go. It might be a bit fake-good, but surely that's better than not seeing each other at all?

I'm in a similar position and that's the logic I've been using for the past little while. It's served us quite well, we've been close for over a year and I'm thinking of paying a visit for a few months this summer. Even though we don't see each other nearly as often as we'd like, we love each other enough to want to be together more than to want to live in a particular place.

We're both close to our families, but have experience of happily living abroad as well and we're going to put our happiness first. I know I'll miss everyone here when I go for a little while, but hey I know I'll be back and my lover might even come with me.

I'll never know unless I go and you won't either. For you, your timeline sounds about right. Don't even think about moving there for 6 months at least and have a lot of visits first. You're right to consider the social network that you'll have to build over there - you don't want to be spending every minute with her and pressure-cook your relationship to breaking point.

Depending on your job, you might be able to go during the week sometimes so that every visit isn't the same and you get to see a bit of each others real lives. With cheap flights, there's not a great difference between travelling to Germany (for example) today and Cork/Kerry ten years ago.

Just follow your heart.