Behind my back...

LegacyUser

Ok so I know people here have greater, more important problems than me so forgive me if i'm sounding petty. I just need to get this out of my system. Anyway i share a room at uni with my best friend. Last night I was just out of the shower and as I didn't feel comfortable going up to the kitchen/living area ( as my other flatmates had friends over and I was in my pj's and had a towel wrapped around my head....the shame of it!) I asked my roomate would they mind going up to get me a drink because I was gasping. Yes I know I seem lazy but I really was too self conscience to go up. Anyway my roomie suggested that she go over to the nearby shop and get some orange juice. I told her not to bother, that it was too much hassle and that anything from the kitchen would be grand. Anyway she said it was no problem, that she wanted some for herself anyway and headed off to the shop happy as larry.

The next day she rings me from uni and tells me she forgot her phone. On my way bringing it up to her I'm so nosey that I read her messages. A message to a family member of hers reads: Something about me being so bossy. That i MADE her go to the shop to get orange juice and to top it all off she calls me a bitch.

I know I got what I deserved for reading her messages but she always gives me her phone anway.

I'm really hurt by this. We've been friends for 7 yrs and I've never bad mouthed her. To top it off she's all nice to my face today.

What should I do?? Confront her?????

Nevyn

Everyone gets pissed of with the people in thier lives at some stage.
so she was mad at you for what the whole of 10 mins and your going to throw away a long term friendship for that ?

While I can understand your modesty really unless your pjs are sexy or indecent or a binki I don't see why you could not put on a robe or a jumper and go to the kitchen yourself.

Blub2k4

I dont think that the title of this is correct, shouldn't it read behind "her" back?
Forget about it, you shouldn't have been reading her messages, the excuse that she always gives you her phone anyway is not an excuse.

Confronting her would be silly as it will put the friendship in a totally different light.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

Do not confront her... as Thaedydal said we all get pissed off with the people is our lives every once in a while!!! I'm sure there has probably been a few times where she just got on your nerves... she might not have been doing anything but when you are around someone 24/7 they do tend to do that!!!... She was probably just having a quick rant to get it out of her system!!

Miss Fluff

Thaedydal wrote:

Everyone gets pissed of with the people in thier lives at some stage.
so she was mad at you for what the whole of 10 mins and your going to throw away a long term friendship for that ?

Yeah, just because you irritated her doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your mate anymore. You p1ssed her off for whatever reason and she expressed her annoyance in a text. She was having a bad moment - no big deal, don't take it personally. I'm sure in the seven years you're been mates she's driven you beserk before so just put it in perspective and let it pass.

Ickle Magoo

What's the bigger crime.....what your roommate said in a private message or you reading the private message in her phone?! She has every right to say whatever she wants in a private message - you, however, do not have the right to go ino her phone & read it!

I can't see why you didn't just towel dry your hair, brush it & put a dressing gown on, or even just sling a pair of jeans & a jumper on - could your thirst not have waited a whole 2mins? It does sound really lazy and if someone asked me to get a drink for them to save them such a small effort, I'd be a bit annoyed too....your friend may have thought you were taking her for granted....is there any chance that the offer to go to the shops was sarcasm?

Anyway, she went to the shops, she is still your friend...maybe take from it that your roommate isn't at your beck & call and next time get the juice yourself? Best of luck

el tel

OP, did the juice taste funny?

seamus

Is there a possibility you are a little bossy?

As others point out, quite often in our lives we take out our frustration on unsuspecting others who may have just been a minor irritant. You live together, so you can't expect her to think the sun shines out of your arse. You have your "things" which get on her nerves. Perhaps one of these is being a little bossy, or a little too prudish.
She's still friendly with you, she still makes an effort to talk to you, so there should be no problem. Even couples who live together make the same commenst about eachother, but it doesn't mean they hate them any less.

Let it be a lesson in poking your nose where it doesn't belong, and hold onto your friendship. If you know her for seven years, and she was happy enough to share with you, then she clearly considers you a friend, despite the text.

LegacyUser

Some-one mentioned that maybe she was being sarcastic. Well thats something that she can't do so.....

Anyway she was just trying to act all 'cool' to her relation.
This is a person who I tell everything to and vice versa. Some people share their problems with their sisters, we share ours with each other. We rarely fight and to call me a b!tch really upsets me. BTW she doesn't curse so this isn't something she meant lightly.

She's done so many stupid things to piss me off and everytime I've let them go. Like when ever I like the main room she has to follow me because she doesn't like the others. The list is endless.....

BoozyBabe

You're hurt??????

If you weren't so bloody nosey, you'd have nothing to be hurt about!!!

I think she should be the one who's hurt:- you've no respect for her privacy whatsoever, & think you have the God given right to search through her phone whenever you want.

You got what you deserved, now forget about it, don't confront her, & leave private things private in future.

honestly not worth ruining 7years friendship over

Nevyn

el tel
unhelpful postings will get you banned from this forum.
Do read the charter and abide by the rules when posting.
Thaedydal.

AngryBadger

You invaded your friends privacy and you got burned. If you hadn't, you'd never have known she thought you were bossy, and everyone could get on with their lives.

Lesson learned.

Faith

I often get pissed of with my friends, especially when we've been in close quarters for a period of time, and I get it off my chest by sending a text to my mum or whoever complaining about them. It doesn't mean that I hate my friends, it's just because I want a little rant when I'm unhappy. If they read my messages and found out, well it's their own fault for being nosy.

Maybe you could take the message as constructive criticism. Take a step back and look at your behaviour. Do you tend to give orders? Are you sometimes bossy or demanding? If so, now's a perfect oppertunity to try and fix these faults.

LegacyUser

Why this affected me so much was because my other best friend had a major fight with us during the summer. It was just a stupid misunderstanding but she won't talk to us anymore. Some of the things that , that friend said really hurt me as we had been friends since primary school.

People around me put it down to jealousy- the fact that I got better than them in the leaving cert without putting much work in. And now I'm afraid the same thing is happening. I know she's jealous that I have a laptop and begrudges me for that. I've made more friends than her here and sometimes I feel like she depends too much on me.

I asked her as a favour to get me a drink. Whatever it was bossy or not she should have told me where to go if she was annoyed and not make up lies.

BaZmO*

There's an old saying that goes something along the lines of, "If we knew what our friends said about us behind our backs we wouldn't have many friends"

That's not to say that our friends are running around saying nasty things about us all the time, it's more a case of them just venting some steam.

If I was your friend and I found out that you read my messages without me knowing (regardless of the fact that I've allowed you to read them before with my permission) I'd be absolutely fuming.

I still can't understand why you couldn't either

A) wait to get the water or
get it yourself. It smacks of either being way too bossy or way too prudish.

What could've happened is that your friend's family member could have asked her where she was and that she said that she was over at the shop getting Juice for you for either of the reasons above........resulting in a bitching session.

Hopefully you've learned a lesson?

Cnoc16

What you done (reading her messages) was worse than her having a nag about you.

Try forget it. I'm sure you have been annoyed with something she done before. Also, ask yourself if you may be bossy, because she would not have said it if it was only a once off.

WhiteWashMan

Hurt wrote:

Some-one mentioned that maybe she was being sarcastic. Well thats something that she can't do so.....

Anyway she was just trying to act all 'cool' to her relation.
This is a person who I tell everything to and vice versa. Some people share their problems with their sisters, we share ours with each other. We rarely fight and to call me a b!tch really upsets me. BTW she doesn't curse so this isn't something she meant lightly.

She's done so many stupid things to piss me off and everytime I've let them go. Like when ever I like the main room she has to follow me because she doesn't like the others. The list is endless.....

so you did something that annoyed her. shes probably forgotten it. its probably not that important to her anymore.

what if she read this, recognised you, and then felt you had been horrible for saying these things behind her back?

do you think shed be annoyed?

kind of like you are now?

get over it. people constantly do things to annoy each other, but friends just let it go. if youre really that worried about it, then say it to her. if yore not really that worried, then forget about it and move on.

honestly, you have wasted far too much time on this already...

Morrigan

Hurt wrote:

She's done so many stupid things to piss me off and everytime I've let them go.

She's done things to piss you off before but you've let them go... except go on a forum an rant. Now your friend was pissed off by something you did and texted her family about you to let off steam. Same difference?
Maybe you should try communicating some of things that piss you off, but in a gentle, non-confrontational way with the aim of improving things, not in quest for justice or vengence...

And if you go digging, you'll always find dirt...

Arathorn

I think everyones being too hard on the OP, she shudnt have read the message but nobodys perfect. If her friend had a problem doing something for her she should have told her to do it herself, I think her friend is a phony. If she doesnt confront her this will fester and come out in other ways. I say have it out with her, probly end badly but better than both of you being two faced to one another..

AngryBadger

Arathorn wrote:

If her friend had a problem doing something for her she should have told her to do it herself, I think her friend is a phony...I say have it out with her, probly end badly but better than both of you being two faced to one another..

I think those are pretty grandiose conclusions to be drawing. People constantly say stupid things about one another, people will often refer to their mates as "the other ****er", bitch, and so on. If the OP CAN't deal with this aspect of social interaction she has far bigger problems.

And really, what business did she have reading the mobile in the first place? In my eyes that makes her a far worse person than whatever contrived problem she has with the other party.

Kablamo!

Hurt wrote:

She's done so many stupid things to piss me off and everytime I've let them go. Like when ever I like the main room she has to follow me because she doesn't like the others. The list is endless.....

at least she sends her grievances via text message to one person alone, your broadcasting yours to a message board for christs sake.
relax, take a deep breath, and think about what your saying.
you're being hypocritical!

LegacyUser

Is anyone actually listening??

She made up a lie about me TELLING her to go to the shop to get me some orange juice. In fact she went to the shop for herself. We were watching a film later, thats when she was texting.

I was invited to a family event soon where I will be talking to this person she was texting. I get on well with this person that was texted and would consider them my friend. How would you feel if someone was painting you in a bad light just to make themselves look good.

Nevyn

Look there are 3 sides to everything, your side, her side and the truth.
The question is how much are you going to let this upset you and how much of a show of yourself are you willing to make ?

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

Look there are 3 sides to everything, your side, her side and the truth.
The question is how much are you going to let this upset you and how much of a show of yourself are you willing to make ?

Except that I'm an honest person so I am telling the truth. Believe me or not.

AngryBadger

Hurt wrote:

Is anyone actually listening??
She made up a lie about me TELLING her to go to the shop to get me some orange juice.

Clearly a hanging offence, best bet is to nail a dead cat to her door.

Seriously. Grow up. And as said, you can't claim the moral high ground over something you found while snooping.

chump

To be fair if you were to disown everybody who says a bad thing about you in life, you'd be in trouble... everyone bitches about everybody at some stage, even their OWN MOTHERS!

None of the above stands true for me tho

Basically take the the cheesey snacks

BaZmO*

Hurt wrote:

Is anyone actually listening??

She made up a lie about me TELLING her to go to the shop to get me some orange juice. In fact she went to the shop for herself. We were watching a film later, thats when she was texting.

I was invited to a family event soon where I will be talking to this person she was texting. I get on well with this person that was texted and would consider them my friend. How would you feel if someone was painting you in a bad light just to make themselves look good.

Seriously, buy some Lego, build a bridge and get over it!!

People talk about each other. End Of!!!

Did you read enough of her texts to know what context she was talking about you in?

WhiteWashMan

Hurt wrote:

Except that I'm an honest person so I am telling the truth. Believe me or not.

yes, i believe you are telling the truth, but you are telling the truth you know and as you see it.

what other people see and think may be vastly different, but also the truth.

for everything else, see what bazmo said. i think the lego bridge thing was pretty accurate.
now you just sound melodramatic.

Esel

Tell her you read her messages and then see what she calls you.... One of the words will probably be 'nosy'.

Did you ask her to get you a drink? i.e. 'Please, I'm so shy, would you ever get me a drink? It's just that I'm embarrassed, being in my PJs, and all...."

Or was it more like 'Get me a drink, would you?'

jimmycrackcorm

this is a clear case of just deserts. the ops friend sends a nasty message and the op is so nosey to read the friends messages. Obviously a partnership ade in heaven. As a poster might say ... who's going behind who's back?

Aside from that, people do like to vent their frustrations and are entitled to do so. It probaly just doesn't mean anything. I ocassionally think my wife is being a complete bitch and say so under my tongue but that doesn't mean that she actually is; just that I feel pissed off at her sometimes, nothing more nothing less. Imagine what she might post if she read that on my phone.

Ickle Magoo

Hurt wrote:

Except that I'm an honest person

If you were so honest you wouldn't have read her messages & so if you were honest, you would be none the wiser about any message on your friends phone.....

I can't understand why you want sympathy for something your friend said - when you only know she said it by being underhand & reading her messages.....it was a private message, she can lie, exagerate or anything else she wants....& frankly it serves you right for snooping!

Ruhan

OP, you're in the wrong here, and that's something you can't see.

If you go through your 'friends' personal stuff, ie text messages, you are really no friend.

You should not be hurt by what she said, and I reckon that she may have sent it deliberatly hoping that you'd see it. You've admitted it yourself you're nosey.

You're only hurt because you aren't what you think you are yourself, and you're trying to justify being a nosey snooping person.

shabbyroad

Hurt wrote:

Is anyone actually listening??

She made up a lie about me TELLING her to go to the shop to get me some orange juice. In fact she went to the shop for herself. We were watching a film later, thats when she was texting.

I was invited to a family event soon where I will be talking to this person she was texting. I get on well with this person that was texted and would consider them my friend. How would you feel if someone was painting you in a bad light just to make themselves look good.

Were you listening when you "asked" her ? Have you thought that perhaps , just possibly, even just a little bit that the way you asked made her feel like you were telling her ?

Last night I was just out of the shower and as I didn't feel comfortable going up to the kitchen/living area ( as my other flatmates had friends over and I was in my pj's and had a towel wrapped around my head....the shame of it!) I asked my roomate would they mind going up to get me a drink because I was gasping.

For someone in 3rd level education and in the grown up world that is pretty pathetic. I know I'd have told you to get over it. FFS.

Yes I know I seem lazy but I really was too self conscience to go up.

'conscience' ... freudian slip eh ?

Slutmonkey57b

Hurt wrote:

Why this affected me so much was because my other best friend had a major fight with us during the summer. It was just a stupid misunderstanding but she won't talk to us anymore. Some of the things that , that friend said really hurt me as we had been friends since primary school.

People around me put it down to jealousy- the fact that I got better than them in the leaving cert without putting much work in. And now I'm afraid the same thing is happening. I know she's jealous that I have a laptop and begrudges me for that. I've made more friends than her here and sometimes I feel like she depends too much on me.

I asked her as a favour to get me a drink. Whatever it was bossy or not she should have told me where to go if she was annoyed and not make up lies.

And then she was all like NO WAAAAAAY, and like she so TOTALLY FLIPPED OUT, and I was like TALK TO THE HAND, coz I'm TOO RICH for this.

Your friend did nothing wrong. You are being melodramatic and self centred. Get over yourself. Even if your friend did think you were being a bitch, and sent a message to someone complaining about it, you know what? She was still enough of a friend to you to do you a favour when you asked, even though she may not have liked it, and even though it wasn't even necessary because you should have had the balls to get your own drink in the house you live in.

You have repaid her friendship by breaking into her phone and being a total hypocrite on the internet. Keep your mouth shut, don't accost your friend, and try to be nicer to her in the future.

AngryBadger

Slutmonkey57b wrote:

You have repaid her friendship by breaking into her phone and being a total hypocrite on the internet. Keep your mouth shut, don't accost your friend, and try to be nicer to her in the future.

*swoon* I think I'm in love

athena 2000

Hurt wrote:

Is anyone actually listening??

She made up a lie about me TELLING her to go to the shop to get me some orange juice. In fact she went to the shop for herself. We were watching a film later, thats when she was texting.

I was invited to a family event soon where I will be talking to this person she was texting. I get on well with this person that was texted and would consider them my friend. How would you feel if someone was painting you in a bad light just to make themselves look good.

Yes, everyone is listening. It's getting harder for you to listen in return since not everyone agrees with you. Yeah, you're feelings have been hurt - it's hard to read unflattering things about yourself in a text message. Your friend was venting her feelings. She has a right do to so.

I'd feel bad if someone I considered a good friend was painting me in a bad light, but my first question would be to ask myself "why?" if I valued their opinion.

This is your big opportunity to adjust your attitude since your friendship with her is not just about you. It's a two-way street, hopefully, and you can let the offense go. Right now you seem to want to be "right" and be justified in your anger. Well you can't. True honesty would have kept you from snooping in the first place. Look at the big picture and not just at your feelings. Are you bossy? Do you think you're better than others?

Take some advice given here and realize that a seven year friendship is important. Show some TLC to your friend and make a sincere effort to be considerate of her. She probably wouldn't be texting rude comments about you if she wasn't upset to some degree about something. Don't take her for granted, and drop any attitude that makes you appear superior to her. So, you may have a great laptop and you're better at creating a social life than she is, but that's not important. Maybe it's harder for her to adjust to new situations - you should understand that if you are her friend.

You have to live with her and your home environment needs peace and not strife. You may have need of her friendship very soon, so really, you've had your turn venting here, and it's time to let it go. Focus on making some adjustments in yourself. You can both benefit from that.

AngryBadger

athena 2000 wrote:

So, you may have a great laptop and you're better at creating a social life than she is, but that's not important. Maybe it's harder for her to adjust to new situations - you should understand that if you are her friend.

Fantastic point, puts me in mind of a situation i was in years ago, and I don't talk to the people involved now at all...although in my case there was no snooping

tinkerbell

I think it's you that's in the wrong here.

You said yourself you were being nosy so you read her text messages. How dare you! You have no right to go through her private things, she probably was right to call you what she did because what you did was so bitchy!

Maybe she was annoyed with you for asking to get you a drink, maybe she was in a bad mood and it just bugged her even more. You should have gone to get it yourself. Like others said, you could have taken the towel off your head and brushed your hair, and gone to get it yourself.

That or there is something deeper here and she is annoyed at you over something else.

LegacyUser

Well ... she did trust you with her phone ...

Jaysus, get over yourself. Do you think you're a princess or something? You do NOT tell, or even ask people to get you a drink FFS unless you're ill in bed or the like. It's bossy and implies that you're better than who you're asking. I'm sure nobody would have cared what you were wearing, everyone takes showers in their own home, or if you didn't want to go maybe you could have done without the drink? If you asked me to wait on you like a servant I'd be annoyed as well, although I'd probably just tell you where to stick it the moment you asked. Not to mention the reading the messages stuff, which is totally dishonest. You are in the wrong here.

stovelid

Hi hurt

I was basically in the same position before. One of my best mates sent me a message meant for his partner and while it was not as bad as the one you read, it was hurtful all the same. I didnt talk to him for ages until i thought about it. When i did think about, i realised that we all probably say stuff in the heat of the moment about friends even if we like them. The hassle with texting it is that there is physical evidence of it. Alll i can say is that it took me quite a while to come round but i did eventually, after i told him and we had it out.

Kell

Hurt wrote:

Ok so I know people here have greater, more important problems than me so forgive me if i'm sounding petty. I just need to get this out of my system. Anyway i share a room at uni with my best friend. Last night I was just out of the shower and as I didn't feel comfortable going up to the kitchen/living area ( as my other flatmates had friends over and I was in my pj's and had a towel wrapped around my head....the shame of it!) I asked my roomate would they mind going up to get me a drink because I was gasping. Yes I know I seem lazy but I really was too self conscience to go up. Anyway my roomie suggested that she go over to the nearby shop and get some orange juice. I told her not to bother, that it was too much hassle and that anything from the kitchen would be grand. Anyway she said it was no problem, that she wanted some for herself anyway and headed off to the shop happy as larry.

The next day she rings me from uni and tells me she forgot her phone. On my way bringing it up to her I'm so nosey that I read her messages. A message to a family member of hers reads: Something about me being so bossy. That i MADE her go to the shop to get orange juice and to top it all off she calls me a bitch.

I know I got what I deserved for reading her messages but she always gives me her phone anway.

I'm really hurt by this. We've been friends for 7 yrs and I've never bad mouthed her. To top it off she's all nice to my face today.

What should I do?? Confront her?????

Oh fúck. The things people worry about these days. Thank god I read this after 4 glasses of really good scotch.

K-

LegacyUser

Maybe she was being sarcastic and having a bit of banter with whoever she was texting. To be honest you shouldn't base it on that one text, you would really need to have read the texts she sent and received from her family member before that particular text to determine the tone of the conversation.

cance

honestly girl.

here is what i would do, forget it, we all get pissed off every now and again, and if she didnt make an issue of it, you shouldnt either.

next time she wants something, you are passing a shop, buying something for yourself, get her something as a gesture, show you care too...

we all bitch every now and again, dont take it personally and try to make it up to her.