The Ex Factor

confuzzzled

Hi there,
So, I broke up with my ex back in July/August, we were together for little under four years. We finished on good terms, and what made the breakup easier ( for me, I've no idea how she is doing ) was that we are living in different parts of the country, so I never saw her after the breakup so it was easy to move on. I haven't really been in another relationship since because I haven't wanted to be. Now I have been with other girls, the one night stand, the meaningless sex in an attempt to get over her. I'm 23 this year, she's 24 this year, just to let you know how old we are. What I find really weird is that I haven't shed a tear at all since the breakup, I haven't cried once - but I do get depressed, I was totally depressed as one would be going through the breakup, but I never cried. I have my good weeks and my bad weeks, when I'm active I don't really think about her much, and when I'm not I do. Since college has finished I'm kind of inactive at the moment, trying to find a part time job before I go traveling the world ( an attempt to experience new things, seeing as I'm single now I want to see the world, maybe I'll meet someone else who I'll think is as special as she was ) and because I'm inactive I guess I'm thinking of her alot more now ( plus it's just after valentines day too ).

One thing I'm sure about though, is that every night I go to sleep she's the last thing on my mind, and the first when I wake up, but once I get into my routine in the day I don't seem to think of her much. It's just when I have time to myself that I do. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this, I guess I'm just trying to get my thoughts out there so that someone can make sense of them.

I was the one that ended the relationship, but it was because of how she was feeling. Both of us kind of got bored of it, we still loved in each but I'm not sure if we were in love with each other anymore, and she didn't have the heart to end it so I did, we had about three months of difficulty before this happend.

I guess, I'm worried about alot of things. I'm worried that I still miss her so much, I mean she was my best friend. I lived with her for the entire time we were going out, right from day 1 up to when we finished, so I knew absolutely everything about her, and vice versa. I even stayed in her parents house for a summer, so I knew her family really really well too. I miss the companionship, I miss us, I miss her family and her friends. This is all natural I know, but I didn't think I would still be missing them after this amount of time. I'm really worried that I haven't cried at all, as in maybe I've been bottling it all up and trying to ignore it and I know that's not healthy. If we are never going to get back together then I don't want to be missing her like this in years to come, it will do my head in. I'm also afraid that I'll compare new girls I meet to her - and on face value there's no way they could match up, which is an unfair thing for me to do to them. She was my first love, and she was the first girl I slept with, which adds to the list I guess.

Does anyone have any advice for me? I've been trying to keep active with work etc, and I should be active again in the next week or so, but even after an active day she's what I think about when I'm alone, going to sleep and waking up. So, being active does work during the day, but I end up in the same place at the end of an active day.

Any advice would be appreciated. I know it will take time, and so on. But I really want to be back with her, and I don't think that thinking like this is healthy for me. I'm not over her, and I honestly feel like I never will be. I think I will always love her.

Megatron

Try and put it behind you , i know it's hard ( I split up with my last ex 3 years ago and i still think of her almost every day).

If you can , talk to her about it . but if you even think for one moment that there is going to be problems it's best to walk on . As your only gona give yourself more heart ache in the long run.

It took me a good 2 years before i was comfertable to go Chasing women again , but now i'm in a good place ( mentally) and yes , i still miss my ex , but i try not to think about her too often.

Either way it's not going to be easy , but you have to make a decision either way.

WhiteWashMan

its interesting that you dont mention tha tyou talked through the break up.
did you?
or did you just break up and go seperate ways?

i think what yo uare doing is just refelcting on your situation now and back then. you are probably focused on the grat bits of your relationship, and are now missing them. whether or not you miss the actual girl, who knows.

you could probably replace her, but until you are with someone for any amount of time, you will always think the other person was better.

what you have to start doing ow is to not make comparisons with this ex with anyone else. anyone new will always lose, and you will spend years being upset and depressed about it.

i suggest you get in touch and say hello and see how she is doing. although, if she is shacked up with another bloke, will that kill you? or if she is lonely and miserable, will that make you feel awful as well?

if it were me. id say hello, and then on be on my way. id make sure i kept active, id get involved with someone else and id buy a game that was going to take me 3 months to finish!

Ridire_Dubh

What you share in this post seems real. If so, then my first recommendation would be for you to delete it. Such things are personal and should not be shared in public. I cannot believe that your x-gf would want these feelings disclosed.

Given this, I can also understand your grief, especially on Valentine's Day. In your long post, you had a lot of good reasons to end it, as well as to revive it. Only the two of you can decide. Not us. I wish you well.

Megatron

it takes 2 people to make a relationship to work...

Only 1 to stop it working/ending.

confuzzzled

WhiteWashMan wrote:

its interesting that you dont mention tha tyou talked through the break up.
did you?
or did you just break up and go seperate ways?

We didn't really talk through the breakup at all. I've texted her a few times since we broke up, to find out how her niece is doing ( she was a small bit ill for a while ). Before christmas she called up to my apartment when we were still living near each other to give me my stuff back, we chatted for about 30 minutes and she left. As she left she started crying and got into her car. I haven't seen her since then, but I did send her a new years text and a valentines day text, as did she. She replied to my vday text but she sent the new years text which i replied to.

i think what yo uare doing is just refelcting on your situation now and back then. you are probably focused on the grat bits of your relationship, and are now missing them. whether or not you miss the actual girl, who knows.

i suggest you get in touch and say hello and see how she is doing. although, if she is shacked up with another bloke, will that kill you? or if she is lonely and miserable, will that make you feel awful as well?

I'd love to get in touch with her again. Over new years her friend called me and basically said four years is alot to waste without being able to be friends after it, and that we should try going for coffee or something like that, but she thought it might be too soon for my ex.
If she was shacked up with another guy I'm sure it would hurt, but it would be closure for me. And if she was miserable and lonely then I'd feel awful. I'm off to New Zealand in June, so I think what I will do is try to meet up with her for coffee or something before I go, to see how things are with her. I would love if I could at least salvage a friendship out of this.

WhiteWashMan

no offence, but you broke up with her, and you dont really give a reason for it, and you dont really say that it was discussed at the time.

it looks from our point of view that one day you just upped and left. im sure you didnt, but thats the impression youre giving.
either way, you did break up with her, and you cant expect her to want to see you really or to remain devoted to you or to even want a friendship anymore.
people have strange defensive mechanisms. while she may have appeared willing to see you before when she felt there may have been a chance of getting abck with you, in the mean time, she may have decided that it was easier and less painful to hate your guts, hope you die painfully and never wants to see you again.
on the other hand, she may be over you and be happy to say hi.

you wont know unless you phone her.
phone her and say hello.

just remember she owes you nothing. nothing at all (as bros once said...)

good luck, but i think its closure you need, and if this gives it to you, then great. it will save you the next 3 years of fret.

i broke up with my ex a couple of years back after 4 or 5 years together. it wasnt until i mailed her one day and she said she had forgiven me and was glad i was alright. that was when i think i finally got closure and could move on. im glad i did it.

confuzzzled

WhiteWashMan wrote:

no offence, but you broke up with her, and you dont really give a reason for it, and you dont really say that it was discussed at the time.

it looks from our point of view that one day you just upped and left. im sure you didnt, but thats the impression youre giving.

Sorry for giving that impression, it certainly wasn't the case, I didn't just up and leave. We went working in different places due to work placement with college, we didn't have a choice of where we could go, and she worked 6 days a week, I came to see her every weekend regardless of her working or not. We both really tried, well I know I definately did for sure, but we kinda grew apart. She started having doubts about us, and she got worried that we were too serious at too young an age, and wasn't ready to be settling down yet (we would be finishing college soon enough too, and given that we lived so far away, one of us would have to move to the other, and she wasn't ready for that) plus this was our first time apart from each other and it was only then that we started growing apart - which was certainly not a good sign. I felt fine about the relationship, I knew we were growing apart but I was willing to give it a go, she wasn't, but she wasn't able to finish it. She really didn't know what she wanted, so we took a break for a while and she felt the exact same, so I decided that maybe it was better if we parted. I told her that I don't want to be holding her back, if she's unhappy she should get out of the relationship. That was basically how it ended, so it was more mutual than I first said, I understood her side of it and because of that I ended it - but I did not want to.

you wont know unless you phone her.
phone her and say hello.

i broke up with my ex a couple of years back after 4 or 5 years together. it wasnt until i mailed her one day and she said she had forgiven me and was glad i was alright. that was when i think i finally got closure and could move on. im glad i did it.

Cheers WWM, I'll call her in a week or two. I don't want her to think I'm hassling her seeing as I sent her a V-Day text yesterday. I'm not sure what I'll say to her, but I have about two weeks to think about it.

confuzzzled

She's had a boyfriend for the last few months. Ah nuts

scojones

Something similar just happend with me. There's your closure I guess..

Santa Claus

In the same boat myself for the past year, but someone said something to me recently which I found made a lot of sense.
The whole idea of your ex being the last person you think of at night and the first you think of in the morning isn't necessarily because you miss them so much but more because you were living together and sharing a bed so obviously it's the most obvious place you notice they're not around anymore because there's half a bed empty beside you.

If you do meet up with her, don't do it just before you head off to NZ as you're bound to have some kind of emotional reaction to meeting her and it'd be best to give yourself time to get over this so you don't start off your trip on a downer !

Best of luck