My slightly 'odd' lady friend...

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is something that's been bothering me now for the best part of three years.

Basically, when I first started college, I began going out with a girl from my course. In the begining, I really liked her, she was gorgeous, funny, and up for anything. She always seemed very quiet and shy, but I just put that down to her being from Rural KillKenny, and having led a slightly sheltered life.

After a couple of months she began to come out of her shell a little, and started opening up to me a lot more. She told me that when she was only 13, she found her Mother dead on the kitchen floor... I felt awful.

It was obvious that she was suffering really badly with depression, and as a result of which, she left college and returned home. We both agreed it would be extremly difficult for us to have a relationship, so we called it all off...

It seems as tho I was the only person she ever really opened up to for some strange reason, and for the past two years she's been trying to get us back together... she calls me on the phone about 20-30 times a day, and I'm not exaggerating. I rarely answer, but then get bombarded with texts telling me that I'm a complete D1ck for not talking to her. This is something that really freaks me out.

I know she's been thru sooo much in her life, but to be honest, I have no feelings for her whatsoever, and just cannot get her to leave me alone. I told her I don't really want any kind of relationship right now, but that seems to be making her even more persistant. She even send me a valentine's card!

I know this sounds awful, but what's the best way of getting her out of my life, without causing her anymore pain? I fear in the long run she may turn suicidal... what am i to do?

I appriciate anyone's help with this, thank you for reading.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

She does sound messed up & I understand you don't want to be nasty to her as she has been through so much - but this really isn't your job to sort out and she sounds like she needs a phychologist not a b/f.....I'm afraid you may to have to just bite the bullet & tell her in no uncertain terms that you do not want to be in contact with her any more & that although you appreciate that she has some enormous issues to deal with that you cannot help her deal with them and suggest she sees someone professionally. Can you talk to anyone in her family or a friend of hers, not to disclose what she said about her mother but perhaps to mention that she is bombarding you with texts & calls?

I would also buy a new sim for your phone so you don't have to put up with all the texts/calls.....but if she has your address she may well turn up on your doorstep.....it's a really horrible situation, you don't want to hurt her or send her over the edge but to a certain extent she is using the information she told you to hold you randsom & she has to be told that she cannot do that.....best of luck

projectmayhem

mobile operators can also ban her number if she's that much of a problem

AngryBadger

tbh she's blackmailing you, plain and simple. Understandably you don't want to be cruel, and you certainly don't want to add to her list of woes, but you can't take on problems of this magnitude. You can be there for her, as you have in the past, you can listen, and be supportive, but that's all. She needs to see a counsellor, and sort herself out.

However, in this situation, she's focused in on you as the solution to her problems. She may have felt slightly better when she was with you, and she wants to feel that way all the time. But now she's abusing your compassion.

Furthermore, and this may help/hinder you i don't know, but if you don't just cut off contact altogether, block her, get a new sim, whatever it takes, she's actually going to get worse. She realises she can use your feelings to twist the screws, this is unfair to you, and even if you were reciprocating you're going to be able to give her what she wants.

Do whatever you have to in order to distance yourself from this girl. It seems cruel, but it's actually a mercy to both of you in the long run.

Kell

Uniheadwrap wrote:

what's the best way of getting her out of my life, without causing her anymore pain?

Its simple. It really is. If she hasnt made any efforts to heal her past, explain to her that you are not strong enough to take her problems on as well as whatever you have going on in your life.

Dont feel guilty about it either, and no, what you have said doesnt sound awful. Think about it mate, whats putting you off? Exactly- you dont have the resources to deal with whatever she has been through. Just be honest about it to her.

K-

LegacyUser

This must be so hard to deal with.

"get her out of my life without causing anymore pain"

Cause anymore pain to her or you?

It sounds as if whatever dynamic now exists between you two it is triggering abandonment issues forged by the early loss of her mother. I feel really bad for her. Because she's looking for something she will never be able to recreate - mother love. You on the other hand - can just not answer the phone.

These are abandonment issues rearing their ugly heads. Oh boy. Losing a parent that young, having to shake the image of your mothers corpse, you can imagine. I can see her displaying all the strategies typical of early loss, avoiding attachment and also obsessive clinging. Try to see through it. Her behavior is her wound speaking.

It strikes me that she is a suicide candidate but she wont do it so shes successful at it but she will do it by pills or some such so as to be rescued from this abyss that is swallowing her. As a desperate cry.

If I were you I would phone the samaratins and ask them for help as to what to do. Explain that you are worried for her and feel that this requires skills you just dont have.

fun bus

if u know any of her friends/other family members, i'd get in contact with them. believe me, they'd want to know about this kind of thing. maybe they could give her the support that u cannot(and theres nothing wrong with the fact that ur not the one to help her-thats just life and nothing to feel guilty about)

xzanti

Id have to agree with the person who suggested contacting a member of her family or a friend of hers.. You shouldnt have to carry this on your shoulders..