Relationship problem

LegacyUser

I'm hoping that someone can help with this... I've been thinking about this for ages, and it just keeps going round in my head with no decent answer.

I've been going out with a woman for over 7 years, and married for the last few. Basically, she's steadily gained weight over our relationship, and now she's 16 stone, about 4 stone heavier than me (and she's under 6 feet).

I think that my problem with her weight is that it's not due to genetics or whatever, she doesn't watch what she eats. Even though she's really unhappy with her body, she eats biscuits/treats/desserts every day. She says that she can't seem to help it. My problem is that I used to have a lot of sympathy for her struggle with it, but I find it harder and harder to sympathize when I see her continuing the same behaviour all the time.

I love her to bits, but this issue is really hard for me. I'm not really attracted to heavier women, and I don't find her sexually attractive any more, especially as she's extremely overweight now. I was always really attracted to her, but I'm just not any more.

I'm also really bothered because of all the negative impacts the obesity has on our lives... she's really unfit now, we can't really go hill walking or anything like that; and obviously obesity has really bad implications for overall health as you get older.

I haven't told her any of the stuff about not being attracted to her anymore or not being able to sympathize. She is extremely sensitive about this issue, and I think if I were to tell her these things, it would absolutely crush her.

We've had talks about her losing weight, and I've tried to make sure that we eat healthier, but she hasn't really been sticking to healthy food. Also, we've joined a gym, but she doesn't make it a high priority, in that anything at all seems to be an excuse not to go to the gym...

I'm extremely depressed about this situation because I don't really see any chance of her improving. It's been such a steady decline over the years, and she just seems unable to make a change. I'm completely torn because I love her personality completely, but can't take all these other issues related to her obesity ...sex life, quality of life, etc.

So I guess what I'm hoping is that some people here have some kind of comments that might help me figure out what to do. Any advice at all is welcomed, I'm totally going in circles thinking about it and am completely muddled. Even if people tell me to wake up to myself it's got to be better than thinking about this on my own and not being able to tell anyone about it.

Also, if anyone knows a really good couples therapist or counseling service to recommend, that would be brilliant.

AngryBadger

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on convincing her, or getting her to tow the line, since it sounds like you're doing everything you can.

tbh I'd tell her the truth. I understand that you don't want to hurt her feelings and so on, but this is affecting your relationship, and a relationship is meant to be two-way, it's not going to work if it's just you putting in the effort.

The only other factor worth considering would be whether or not there's anything else going on that may be causing her personal difficulty. People who are having problems often get into te habit of ritualising activities that make them feel better, in toher words is she just comfort eating because she's really upset about something? If so, then obviously you need to address that, whatever it is, because it#s at the root of her eating habits.

If that's not the case, then I'd give it to her straight, tip-toeing around it hasn't worked for you, and as you said it's effecting your relationship with her.

tonyinuae

She has an addiction and needs to address the fact. It's not just a case of 'she's not being careful about what she eats.' She has a problem, and its roots are somewhere in her psyche, because she's basically self-medicating, just as people do with drink or drugs. A good therapist might be able to help. I can't recommend one myself, I don't live in Ireland, but I am sure you could find one, preferably through word-of-mouth recommendation.

I also think that you need to make sure she understands how damaging her behaviour is to you and to your marriage, amd how urgently she needs to do something about it. She knows deep down, but she's ignoring all the signals because her addiction is controlling her. She has to face this unpleasant fact.
I think you need to sit her down and have a very serious talk about it, to make her perceive the nature and depth of her problem, that it's something like alcoholism. At least she should realise the necessity of getting professional help. Then you both have a chance to save your marriage.

daiixi

I'm just wondering what you said in your vows?? Because this seems like one of those "better or worse" situations. Tell her how you feel, afterall you're meant to be married and able to talk about things although don't expect her to thank you for it!

Elessar

There is only one way to deal with this situation and that is to tell her. And yes it will probably hurt her, but there is no way around it. A relationship is a two-way street and it cannot be expected of you as a husband to "put up" with not being atttracted to her and not being able to enjoy activities with her because of her weight.

As others mentioned she more than likely has an addiction to food and comfort eats. A lot of people comfort eat when they are bored/depressed etc. and the weight piles on. By telling her, not only are you taking yourself and your feelings into account as a husband (which are very important - you are just as important in this as she is) you will be doing her a favour by hopefully spuring her on to loose the weight and live a much healthier life into old age.

Please don't think that just because you are a man you have to "suck it up" and deal with it and not go telling her simply because she is a woman. It seems to me that she is not holding up her end of the bargain/relationship. If you were overweight and unattractive what do you think she would do? More than likely, she would let you know. Unfortunately it's always the men who are the "bastards" in this situation for telling the wife/girlfriend about her obesity and the effect it is having on them. (If it is a woman telling a man, she would more likely get a cheer).

Anyway in the end it's your happiness that is being affected, as well as your wife's health. From reading your post you seem a bit ashamed for having these thoughts. Don't be, let her know gently that you think she should loose weight because it is having an affect on how you relate to her. She may get upset for a bit, but if she truely loves you, she will do something about it, instead of possibly losing you altogether.

AngryBadger

daiixi wrote:

I'm just wondering what you said in your vows?? Because this seems like one of those "better or worse" situations. Tell her how you feel, afterall you're meant to be married and able to talk about things although don't expect her to thank you for it!

I think the OP is saying that in his wife's case her whole attitude to life has changed. She's unhappy with her body, but she's unwilling to do anything about it. He's asking for advice on how to address this. how does that justify questioning his vows?

daiixi

AngryBadger wrote:

I think the OP is saying that in his wife's case her whole attitude to life has changed. She's unhappy with her body, but she's unwilling to do anything about it. He's asking for advice on how to address this. how does that justify questioning his vows?

There's a huge load of difference between being "unwilling to do anything about it" and having the confidence and strength to do anything about it.
Going to a gym is going to emphasise all the negativie things about her body - excess weight and poor fitness level, she's probably extremely self concious while she's there - she's finding any excuse not to go so she obviously isn't comfortable going!! Being pressured/nagged isn't going to make the situation any better.

Should the OP talk to his wife? Yes of course. What is a marriage if you can't communicate with your partner? Should she change because he's no longer sexually attracted to her? No she shouldn't. She should change because it's in her best interests to change and because she wants to. The OP says that his wife is unhappy with her weight but she's stuck in a cycle which is EXTREMELY difficult to break.

How do I justify questioning his vows? Because he made them! If he promised to love her for better or worse, and this is worse, then he has to make up his mind what those vows mean to him.

I'd happily give the OP advise as to a therapist etc but I can't PM him and I'm not comfortable putting details of a therapist on a general thread.

[IN MY OPINION - does that make things better?]

Nevyn

When you are that over weight and body concious the last place you want to be is a gym or a pool or weight watchers.

If you thinks he doen't know about how this is effecting your wrong but it can be really really hard to do anything about it when your that miserible.

Try going for walks to gethers, making sure ther is fruit in the house for snacking on.

There has to be an underlying issue that has brought this about and for that she will need to go to her gp and get a referal to work on the issue.

You willl need to be there to support her but no so she feel useless and an invaild.

You will need to tell her that the person who you fell in love with and still love is still there in her but seems a bit lost and you are worried about her and you want to help. Pretty much you will have to help enpower her again.

AngryBadger

daiixi wrote:

There's a huge load of difference between being "unwilling to do anything about it" and having the confidence and strength to do anything about it...Should the OP talk to his wife? Yes of course. What is a marriage if you can't communicate with your partner? Should she change because he's no longer sexually attracted to her? No she shouldn't.How do I justify questioning his vows? Because he made them! If he promised to love her for better or worse, and this is worse, then he has to make up his mind what those vows mean to him.

From what the OP has said, she's isn't just not going to the gym, she's refusing to even correct her eating habits. He apears to be dogin everything he can to help/support her, so I fail to see how you can question his committment to her.

Moreover, he is as importat in this as she in this relationship, your post doesn't seem to take this into account.

But as you say, this is just IMO

metrovelvet

It sounds as if she's using food as an emotional crutch. She wont feel good about herself if she gets fatter!! You must help her! [Have you thought about getting cut yourself?]

She needs to cut out all the junk, all the booze, all the sucrose and dairy, except for lowfat, and bread. Keep carbs like potatoes and rice. She'll drop weight in no time.

She is compromising her life btw and Im sure you know that. Obesity is now outrunning smoking in terms of killers.

Do you guys drive and are car dependant?

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

She needs to cut out all the junk, all the booze, all the sucrose and dairy, except for lowfat, and bread. Keep carbs like potatoes and rice. She'll drop weight in no time.

and if she makes the rice wholegrain she can double the speed of her weight loss

Dam you Metrovelvet, it's impossible to be a woman-hating nerd with your totally reasonable responses to everything

metrovelvet

AB- are you taking the piss? I get called irrational so much on boards Im not sure if you're being sarcastic.

But anyway- you and consti make me laugh so much I find it hard to be tenacious about my male bashing.

Blub2k4

OP, see if you can get your hands on the Paul Mckenna will make you thin DVD's.
Myself and the girlfriend did it and I have lost 1 stone 6 pounds in a month and she has lost 8 pounds or so, it is not a diet and she can still eat her sweets, it is just a new way of eating that trains you to listen to when you are full again, cos we have forgotten how to do that.
It works, check it out.

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

AB- are you taking the piss? I get called irrational so much on boards Im not sure if you're being sarcastic.

But anyway- you and consti make me laugh so much I find it hard to be tenacious about my male bashing.

I'm deadly serious :cool:

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the comments, they were really brilliant. Especially AngryBadger and Thaedydal. I'm glad that people thought therapy might be a good idea, it seems like that might be a good way to talk to her about this issue in a way that won't leave her feeling threatened.

I disagree with some of the things that daiixi said, but I'm actually glad she said them, it brought out some interesting discussion. To answer what she said about the vows though... yes, this is one of those "worse" situations.... and that's why I'm trying to get advice on how to deal with this and I'm trying hard to deal with it. Obviously the vows mean something to me, that's why I'm trying talk about this and work it out rather than just giving up.

I think that all the things that daiixi said about going to the gym were great, spot on. However, I didn't agree with the comment ..."Should she change because he's no longer sexually attracted to her? No she shouldn't." She's put on 60 pounds over the last few years, that's a change that she's made. I don't think it's fair to restate that as "I'm no longer sexually attracted to her." Second, I don't think it's fair to say that couples don't need to try to maintain a level of sexual attractiveness for each other, within reason.

I just want to say thanks to everyone again, it helped just to say a lot of this stuff and have other people respond to it.