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Help me. GF problem
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18-02-2006 5:59pm#1Ok heres the thing. I have been going out with my girlfriend about 2 ½. Months now. We fight a lot about her reluctance to tell me even small things and my reluctance to let it go. but we are in love (yes already)..I don’t know or want to know what my life would be like if we split up.
She is just about a year older than me.
I have three problems.
1. I dont find it hard, but its not easy to trust her. I have problems on my end with believeing I am in a situation with a beautiful gf as I wasnt really successful before her.(not that im undersireable though
, other reasons) so i think that she would just leave me. And the lifestyle she has also worries me of her faithfulness.She has older male friends etc.
2. I am dissappointed with her actions around me. We have done almost everythin that could be done for a girl(meaning i done everythin to her) yet I receive nothing in return. She is a virgin. Also she cannot receive compliments easy.Or presents for that matter.
3. She will not tell me so many things I need to know in order to trust her. And even stupid things like who she knows in my school starts a fight cause she wont tell me.
A bit of background:
Before me EVERY boyfriend(and quite a few there was) was older than her. ranging from 14(her) to 22(the oldest bf) etc... So I am the first one under her age.
That made it hard to believe she was a virgin. I hate knowing this cause i keep picturing her with these older fellas doing things in my head and its horrible.
She also has older fella friends and is quite close to one.
Now somethin happened to her last valentines day and no matter what I try she will not tel me. I asker her was she raped but that was not it.
All i kno is that a fight betweek two ex's(she was with one at the time) resulted in what happened to her.
The one that wasnt with her at the time told the other that she was pregnant for him. Then that night something happened to her by her current bf and 3 other guys. But what I cant understand is that she told no one and does not wish to seek revenge on the guys(4 of them) that done this to her(whatever it is). She ran into this guy when we just started going out but wont tell me what happened.
Now before that happened she would easily do anythin with fellas(after two months of being with them). She easily told me if it didnt happen she would prob be pregnant by now(which scared me. It scared me to know that she classed herself as a slut before it happened).But since that happened to her she wont do anythin with a fella.
She wants to get comfortable with me first.
I thought the other night that she was ready to wa*k me cause she was feeling me etc. But when we tried that it was a no and i got frustrated and annoyed.
She has so many friends who are 20+ I am scared she will get bored of a younger guy and run of to an older one again. She says she didnt like the older ones cause they always forgot what age she was and were pis*ed that she had to go in early, cant go out etc...
I am different she says, she loves me. There is something that she never had before.
She now said that she does not want to do ANYTHING(even me doing to her) for a while and I got pissed cause I dont understand why.
Honestly although i said i was expecting a wa*k I am willing to wait months for anything(I understand she was hurt by what happened). The only reason i expected one then was her behavior and actions on the day.
Its hard to trust her because of all this and her closed nature. She was also in a 'loose' relationship when we actually got together(she ended with him the day after we got together)
And while we were meeting(not together) she also met another guy once(she says he asked her to get with him and she said no because she wanted to see if I would ask her)
She knows i feel all this and that I find it hard to be with her.
last night she textd me after a fight saying "things have changed with us"
She tried being more lovey with me etc. I dont even smile at her any more(i ALWAYS smile at her, I cant help it). And when she tells me that she loves me I ask her why(I dont). Also saying that I trust her only sometimes(which is true as you can see above) and i make her feel like a real slut. Thats why we arent being affectionate for a while- to show me she aint a slut.
I dont think she is. I was devestated when she said all this. I love her but its really hard and stressful cause I kno so much of her history.
We are currently not gonna see each other until monday cause we need to think about all this.
I really dont know what to do. I love her. She loves me.
I dont want to break up but its really stressful on me(and prob on her but she wont talk about it)
Any advice or points of view will be appreciated.
Thanks.0
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reallyconfused, it sounds like she trusted one of her ex's too much before and got burned as a result somehow.
All you can really do is be there for her, let her know how special she is to you and let her trust and self confidance build up. Badgering her for answers before she is ready to give them is just going to push her away.
Be a good boyfriend, be kind, listen to her, make her feel loved and safe with you, probably in time she will broach the topic with you when she's ready.
It seems she is reaching out to you as it is with the texting about you - And when she tells me that she loves me I ask her why(I dont). Also saying that I trust her only sometimes(which is true as you can see above) and i make her feel like a real slut. Thats why we arent being affectionate for a while- to show me she aint a slut.
She wants you to tell her that you love her, that she's the best thing since sliced bread etc..the fact she's saying this to my mind means she feels this way about you and is terrified of getting pushed away and is making an emotional wall to protect her from getting hurt again.
Meet her somewhere that's just got the two of you together, and look her in the eye and tell her how you feel for her. Maybe then go for a romantic walk along the sea or whatever you two like doing, get some quality "together" time
I think she just needs extra reassurance because of whats happened to her already, you just need to understand she's still bearing this hurt (from whatever before) and be understanding and honest with her..you have been with a bunch of strangers here..now go tell her in the real world!! (not over a phone or texting!!).Have a weather station?, why not join the Ireland Weather Network - http://irelandweather.eu/
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Ok, I'll try and clarify what I was posting earlier, I may have come across a bit harsh.reallyconfused wrote:Ok heres the thing. I have been going out with my girlfriend about 2 ½. Months now.
2 1/2 months is no time at all in a relationship, particularly at your age, and particularly when you're both virgins. This isn't a race.1. I dont find it hard, but its not easy to trust her. I have problems on my end with believeing I am in a situation with a beautiful gf as I wasnt really successful before her.(not that im undersireable though, other reasons) so i think that she would just leave me. And the lifestyle she has also worries me of her faithfulness.She has older male friends etc.
You must start to recognise this is a problem you have, and it is one you will have to start to come to terms with. All she can do is be who she is - either you accept her for it or you leave her with someone who can.2. I am dissappointed with her actions around me. We have done almost everythin that could be done for a girl(meaning i done everythin to her) yet I receive nothing in return. She is a virgin. Also she cannot receive compliments easy.Or presents for that matter.
I take it to mean this refers to sex - in that you've got to third base with her but she isn't reciprocating. Again, this is not a race or a competition. For a girl to give up her virginity is a much bigger thing than for a guy. If her bad experience of last year has upset her that much, you need to give her time. Proceed at her pace, not at yours.
If it makes you feel any better, women do not get any better at receiving compliments or presents as they get older. Apart from golddigging bitches, but they don't count for the purposes of the current discussion.3. She will not tell me so many things I need to know in order to trust her. And even stupid things like who she knows in my school starts a fight cause she wont tell me.
In order for her to tell you things, she needs to trust you. You have said you react badly and have fights with her about what she won't talk about. This stops her trusting you enough to open up to you.
She will not tell you what you "need" to know because she is frightened of your reaction. She is frightened of you judging her, or shouting at her, or calling her a slut, or dumping her. You need to be able (truthfully) to show her that no matter what she tells you, you will not think the less of her, or be upset with her.Now somethin happened to her last valentines day and no matter what I try she will not tel me. I asker her was she raped but that was not it.
All i kno is that a fight betweek two ex's(she was with one at the time) resulted in what happened to her.
The one that wasnt with her at the time told the other that she was pregnant for him. Then that night something happened to her by her current bf and 3 other guys. But what I cant understand is that she told no one and does not wish to seek revenge on the guys(4 of them) that done this to her(whatever it is). She ran into this guy when we just started going out but wont tell me what happened.
You asked her straight out if she was raped - if she was, she would not respond to that question. Whatever happened to her, it was a very big deal in her life. She will open up when she is ready, and if you ask her to do it before then, she will not.Now before that happened she would easily do anythin with fellas(after two months of being with them). She easily told me if it didnt happen she would prob be pregnant by now(which scared me. It scared me to know that she classed herself as a slut before it happened).But since that happened to her she wont do anythin with a fella.
Again, you need to start understanding what a big deal this is for her. You seem to be seeing it as a reason not to trust her, in that she has a promiscuous past, and you don't know if you can trust her not to cheat on you. She seems to want to see you as a safe person, someone she can trust not to take advantage of her. You need to prove that to her, not just say it.She wants to get comfortable with me first.
I thought the other night that she was ready to wa*k me cause she was feeling me etc. But when we tried that it was a no and i got frustrated and annoyed.
Again, your problem created due to your frustration, your wants, and your perspective. Don't push her, and don't have a timetable for these things. Get your own issues under control and don't get frustrated with her just because she's not doing what you'd expect her to do.She has so many friends who are 20+ I am scared she will get bored of a younger guy and run of to an older one again. She says she didnt like the older ones cause they always forgot what age she was and were pis*ed that she had to go in early, cant go out etc...
I am different she says, she loves me. There is something that she never had before.
Again, realise that she chose you. Trust her choice and trust yourself to live up to her expectations. You have expectations, good and bad, of her, and she has good and bad expectations of you. Try and see what she exects of you, and see what you expect of her. Talk to her about it. Not argue, don't make ultimatums with each other, just talk about what you feel and want and be honest.She now said that she does not want to do ANYTHING(even me doing to her) for a while and I got pissed cause I dont understand why.
Honestly although i said i was expecting a wa*k I am willing to wait months for anything(I understand she was hurt by what happened). The only reason i expected one then was her behavior and actions on the day.
Then tell her that you are willing to wait, and explain why you reacted badly that time, and explain that you are not there to take advantage of her.Its hard to trust her because of all this and her closed nature. She was also in a 'loose' relationship when we actually got together(she ended with him the day after we got together)
And while we were meeting(not together) she also met another guy once(she says he asked her to get with him and she said no because she wanted to see if I would ask her)
She was honest enough to tell you all this - this is a good sign, believe me. She needs to trust you to accept her and her past, and you need to trust her not to live up to your bad expectations of what she might do. It's easy to get hung up on "might"s and "could"s. Judge her on what she is doing, and judge yourself on what you're doing.She knows i feel all this and that I find it hard to be with her.
last night she textd me after a fight saying "things have changed with us"
She tried being more lovey with me etc.
This is her reaching out to you, and looking for your acceptance.I dont even smile at her any more(i ALWAYS smile at her, I cant help it). And when she tells me that she loves me I ask her why(I dont). Also saying that I trust her only sometimes(which is true as you can see above) and i make her feel like a real slut. Thats why we arent being affectionate for a while- to show me she aint a slut.
This is you not giving it to her. I can understand why you're not giving it to her, but you have to see that the reason you're not giving it to her is because you're worried about what she could do, not what she is doing.And when she tells me that she loves me I ask her why(I dont)I love her but...
This is what I meant by playing mind games. She is saying "I love you", and instead of telling her what you really think - that you love her too - you are asking her why she loves you. Don't do this. If you love her, tell herI really dont know what to do. I love her. She loves me.
I dont want to break up but its really stressful on me(and prob on her but she wont talk about it)
Any advice or points of view will be appreciated.
Thanks.
You need to talk to each other, not fight. It's easy to get emotional and have a fight, and sometimes it is necessary. But if you love her, and you want to continue things with her, both of you will need to learn how to be open and communicate honestly with each other. That means you both need to be able to hear something the other person has to tell you, and not judge them, or allow your emotion to dictate your reactions.
If it helps, that's something that usually takes a long time to learn. Years.
If I had to summarise advice for you it would be this:
1: Write down everything you've been feeling and everything you want. This doesn't have to be a letter you're going to send her, it's to clear your head of all the junk that's in it and organise your thoughts. Try and take the time to put some perspective on your actions, your reactions, and her actions and reactions. Decide how well you are able to deal with your own issues of jealousy and mistrust.
2: Find the time to sit down somewhere on monday where you can talk to each other uninterrupted, in private, where you will both feel comfortable.
3: Tell her you love her, because this is true, and honest.
4: Tell her you are willing to wait as long as it takes for her to be comfortable being sexual with you, again, this is true and honest.
5: Give her an honest appraisal of how well you are able to deal with the whole relationship, and how much effort you are willing to make to make it work.
6: Go through whatever is on your bit of paper and tell her everything you need to.
7: LISTEN TO EVERYTHING SHE TELLS YOU. I mean LISTEN, don't hear. If you don't understand why she's telling you something, or what the context is, ask her to clarify it. Don't judge her, don't fly off the handle, and don't react straight away.
If it makes you feel any better, it took me over a decade to learn this sh!t.0 -
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