Says he'll kill himself if i leave him

Floopy

Been with my boyf over a year and i broke it off with him in november as i felt ild lost the spark and really wanted to be with different people or single even as i wasnt ready to settle down forever as was his plan. After breaking up he went nuts almost like id died and wouldnt eat , nearly lost his job and bombarded me with begging texts which at times got very angry in tone and i even changed my number. Over xmas i decided to meet him and he looked like hed got himself together and we gave it another go but we've been fighting lately and we went to see a relationship counsellor which made things worse as i admitted things to her that he didnt want to hear such as how trapped i feel and that i see him sometimes as a freind and not as the love of my life which surely you should have in a pratner. anyway we get on great most times and i get spoiled he is a good guy but last night he said if i left him again hed take a load of whiskey and drive into a wall as life would be meaningless. he wasnt joking. Thing is i really dont see him as the one as hes so quick to get angry and is paranoid that im cheating (i'm not) he suspects everyone is trying it on with me and accuses me of this when its all inhis head and now even the friendship bond is strained as im losing interest fast. But if i leave i think he really will harm himself or at the least just quit his job, i have so much pressure on me that he has structured his whole future around me being with him when my hearts not in it. what to do.......

Red Alert

everybody has the opportunity to make choices. if you've chosen to move on from him and don't see it going anywhere then you should carry that out. if he's crazy as you say, what will happen 5 years down the line?

he should probably also see a doctor.

LundiMardi

Floopy wrote:

Been with my boyf over a year and i broke it off with him in november as i felt ild lost the spark and really wanted to be with different people or single even as i wasnt ready to settle down forever as was his plan. After breaking up he went nuts almost like id died and wouldnt eat , nearly lost his job and bombarded me with begging texts which at times got very angry in tone and i even changed my number. Over xmas i decided to meet him and he looked like hed got himself together and we gave it another go but we've been fighting lately and we went to see a relationship counsellor which made things worse as i admitted things to her that he didnt want to hear such as how trapped i feel and that i see him sometimes as a freind and not as the love of my life which surely you should have in a pratner. anyway we get on great most times and i get spoiled he is a good guy but last night he said if i left him again hed take a load of whiskey and drive into a wall as life would be meaningless. he wasnt joking. Thing is i really dont see him as the one as hes so quick to get angry and is paranoid that im cheating (i'm not) he suspects everyone is trying it on with me and accuses me of this when its all inhis head and now even the friendship bond is strained as im losing interest fast. But if i leave i think he really will harm himself or at the least just quit his job, i have so much pressure on me that he has structured his whole future around me being with him when my hearts not in it. what to do.......

what the hell made you ''give it another go'' if you thought the spark had gone, that was a bit stupid don't you think? It's also messing with his head

huggy_bear

i had exactly the very same issue as you do now. I know how much he means to you as a friend. What you have to realise is that he may come across as if he's serious, but in reality he prob isn't. I did exactly the same thing as you. I left him, thought he'd changed, gave it another chance, and ended up in exactly the same place as before. You need to tell him once and for all that it's over, tell him you've changed your number and that you're moving on like he should do. It's the best thing you can do for both your sakes. I know that he's paranoid that you're doing this cause you've found someone else. Say once that that's not the case and leave it at that. I found out the hard way that it's impossible for the two of you to ever be friends. Think about this and take my advice... break all contact with him. It's best to do that now. I'm sorry to hear about someone else who was in the same situation as I was. Breakaway is the best thing I can say to you sweetie.:)

the_syco

Cut all ties with him. What he's doing is clearly emotional blackmail.

He may think that getting back together with him, after all the texts he sent to you trying to get back together, that his texts "worked", thus this suicide thing will also "work", by making you stay with him.

IMO, if you cave into him on this demand, he'll bring up his ace card ("oh, I'll kill myself") anytime you say no to any future demand.

Pigman II

Floopy wrote:

Says he'll kill himself if i leave him

Let him.

mickymg2003

He's just blackmailing you. If you want to leave him then leave him. chances are he probably wont kill himself. He'll probably just latch onto somebody else a few months down the line and do the same again.

Chucky

That's not very helpful Pigman II.

However, this guy is not your problem anymore Floopy. He cannot forever have you to lean on. Right now you are his crutch for (most likely) a whole lot of other things in his life that are depressing him. I have been through situations like this before and seen other people go through the same.

Simply do NOT reply to any of his text-messages, calls, or e-mails. After at most two days you will notice improvement.

Chucky

Oh, and do not feel guilty for not replying. As I mentioned: His problems are not for you to be concerned with.

Pigman II

Chucky wrote:

That's not very helpful Pigman II.

Maybe not but I have a particular dislike for people who try to compromise the independence and free-will of others. Someone like that doesn't deserve the consideration this person is giving them.

So if someone gave me that ultimatum that would be my response.

Supercell

He's trying to emotionally blackmail you, how the hell is this a basis for a relationship?

Split up with him and move on, how he handles it is NOT your fault, be honest with him as to why you are breaking up.

Give him your reasons rather than flaws in his character, just say you are not in love with him and don't think you ever will be, rather than, you're breaking up because he farts in bed and has a BO problem - make sure he understands that its nothing he can change to turn it around and he really should move on also.

The more he realises these emotional games can control you the more he's likely to do them..anyone that threatens this kind of crap is best kept well clear of.

Eminem

Dont listen to it . It not ur fault

Capt'n Midnight

Floopy wrote:

After breaking up he went nuts almost like id died and wouldnt eat , nearly lost his job and bombarded me with begging texts which at times got very angry in tone and i even changed my number. Over xmas i decided to meet him and he looked like hed got himself together and we gave it another go but we've been fighting lately and we went to see a relationship counsellor which made things worse as i admitted things to her that he didnt want to hear such as how trapped i feel and that i see him sometimes as a freind and not as the love of my life which surely you should have in a pratner. anyway we get on great most times and i get spoiled he is a good guy but last night he said if i left him again hed take a load of whiskey and drive into a wall as life would be meaningless. he wasnt joking. Thing is i really dont see him as the one as hes so quick to get angry and is paranoid that im cheating (i'm not) he suspects everyone is trying it on with me and accuses me of this when its all inhis head and now even the friendship bond is strained as im losing interest fast. But if i leave i think he really will harm himself or at the least just quit his job, i have so much pressure on me that he has structured his whole future around me being with him when my hearts not in it. what to do.......

Sounds like he has problems. Angry and threatning violence, not trusting you. How is that going to last ? If you feel trapped now, you will feel even more trapped later. Can you guarantee that if you stay with him that he won't do something crazy or loose his job anyway. And would he blame you then if he did ?

His jealousy etc. sound like he thinks you are "his", something he feels he "owns".

If your hearts not in it, as whatsisname said "if there is any doubt, then there is no doubt"

dudara

He needs to see a professional, and you need to cut all ties.

Nevyn

Tbh Pigman is not that far off.
Op you have no control over him and what he does and he is trying to excert control over you.
You can only make your choices and do what is in your best intrests and leave him to his choices and his life.

texanman

Hi Floppy
I know things are not easy for you at the moment. This guy is obviously hurting badly .
Maybe to do with the fact that you might be his first love .I know from experience that
this can tear the heart in two and has driven people over the edge. The anger is most likely hurt coming out and sounds like he hasn’t been with many women the fact that he is paranoid .

ntlbell

Floopy wrote:

Been with my boyf over a year and i broke it off with him in november as i felt ild lost the spark and really wanted to be with different people or single even as i wasnt ready to settle down forever as was his plan. After breaking up he went nuts almost like id died and wouldnt eat , nearly lost his job and bombarded me with begging texts which at times got very angry in tone and i even changed my number. Over xmas i decided to meet him and he looked like hed got himself together and we gave it another go but we've been fighting lately and we went to see a relationship counsellor which made things worse as i admitted things to her that he didnt want to hear such as how trapped i feel and that i see him sometimes as a freind and not as the love of my life which surely you should have in a pratner. anyway we get on great most times and i get spoiled he is a good guy but last night he said if i left him again hed take a load of whiskey and drive into a wall as life would be meaningless. he wasnt joking. Thing is i really dont see him as the one as hes so quick to get angry and is paranoid that im cheating (i'm not) he suspects everyone is trying it on with me and accuses me of this when its all inhis head and now even the friendship bond is strained as im losing interest fast. But if i leave i think he really will harm himself or at the least just quit his job, i have so much pressure on me that he has structured his whole future around me being with him when my hearts not in it. what to do.......

move on now.

Calibos

Call me a heartless barsteward with no concept of mental health issues or the 'Reality' of depression etc etc but tbh if someone went bunny boiler on me, threatening suicide on me would harden my resolve to get out of the relationship and convince me the breakup was the right thing to do. If they actually did carry out the threat I would feel in now way responsible and would be thanking my lucky stars that I didn't end up married to such a lunatic before I found out what a headcase they were.

Faith

I agree, Calibos. Somebody acting like a psychopath like that would just piss me off and make me RUN to cut all ties with them, especially when it's being used as a form of emotional blackmail. OP, I'm at a loss as to why you hung on this far, and got back with him over Christmas, but get out of the relationship now!

AngryBadger

As has been said, you aren't responsible for his actions, and he is trying to blackmail you emotionally.

Leave him. It'll be very hard, and no doubt, (as he has previously done), he'll keep pestering you, but there's no choice except to do it, and commit to seeing it through.

WhiteWashMan

Floopy wrote:

but last night he said if i left him again hed take a load of whiskey and drive into a wall as life would be meaningless. he wasnt joking. ..

oh come on. talk about melodramatic rubbish.
emotional blackmail is not healthy in a relationship.

you need this realtionship and this kind of thing like a hole in the head.

why you got back i dont know. probably loneliness and some sort of guilt id suspect.

just leave him and let him do his own growing up. and if he tops himself, well thats one less fool in the world. honestly, what sort of crap does he feel that will achieve. why would you want someone with you that is only there becuase you are threatening to kill youself?

lyrama

Everyone feels like they've hit rock bottom when their relationship dies. It can't be helped. The best thing for both of u is to break it off. He'll see it in the long run after awhile. U can't stay with someone if ur hearts not in it. U deserve to be happy and if ur not happy it won't really make him happy deep down. Be there for him as friends after the break up, hopefully he won't do anything dire:( .

Gordon

An ex girlfriend of mine had a thing with a guy like that. She didn't really seem to fancy the guy that much but enjoyed his fawnings over her and all the girly crap that he did for her like buy flowers and immediate professions of love. When she didn't like where things were going he tried all manner of things to keep her in his life. And one day he played the trump card - the suicide statement and she crumbled and went off to live with him. Strangely after she made a conscious decision to be with him after that she became a great deal unhappier. She quite soon after got pregnant and to the best of my knowledge will marry him or has married him.

So, at least from my personal experience, you can be sure that if you do stay with him then it's quite possible that you may have a child together. If I was you I would think carefully about whether or not such a father figure would be good for a child.

Get the hell out of there is my opinion, do what Pigman said.

stovelid

Its not heartless to leave somebody in this situation although it would be a terrible threat to be put under.

I doubt that somebody who threatens suicide in this way would actually successfully do it. However if they did, you would have to conclude that major problems were there and ythe relationship was just the catalyst.

Either way, it is not your problem outside of being sympathetic and hoping he is OK.

Leave him.....

hullaballoo

Most people have the right idea in that he's emotionally blackmailing you. My ex girlfriend was an awful woman for that. She used to have me driven demented to make sure I wasn't upsetting her etc. After about two years of it, I learned that the only way to deal with it is to ignore it.

She used to ask me for ex girlfriend's numbers so she could text them telling them to stay away from me. At first I gave them to her, but then I started giving her her own friends numbers...eh, I'm not sure where I'm going with this but you should definitely consider standing up to him. He's just bullying you.

Blub2k4

If it made you feel any better you could go to the cops about the threats and see would they have him sectioned? As a danger to himself I think a doctor could even do it, he does need help obviously and it is really nothing to do with you. You wouldn't feel good if he did the act but you cant sacrifice your life for his.

Lux23

It is emotional blackmail to tell someone you will kill yourself if they dump you etc. Your not happy with and you want to be single so break up with him and make sure that you speak to his friends and family about it. It will take him time but he will get over this. I know because I have the exact same problems as him and with a little professional help I have learned not to start attention seeking when things don't go my way. I think you should speak to his parents though as he needs to see a doctor.

Cactus Col

Tell his family and friends what he said, let them know that you care but have to live your own life.

Cassius2006

Hi there Floopy,

I have personel experience with a very good friend who had this exact thing happen to her more than once, with the same guy.

She tried to break up with him and he kept texting threats and calling constantly. Not letting up. She changed number and the minute he got it started at it again. Paranoia etc.

She like yourself was so worried that her actions might end up in him harming himself. While it worked out funnily enough in the end for them. IE: Got back after a break. I think that's a serious exception and I wonder about its longevity.

The fact is as most have mentioned. Emotional Blackmail is not the basis for anything, not friendship, let alone a relationship. You should run and not look back. Another good point is the reaction to this news. If he crumbles like this given your current situation how will he handle the more serious problems that will undoubtably come both your way, later on in life.

You've tried councelling, you've tried giving it another go for his sake. So for your sake make a clean break and move on.

Best of luck...

aido_2006

Had pretty much same ****... and what i should have done was cut all ties straight away coz i was having a hard time of it myself and she just wanted to make it harder... i eventually just done the same changed number and got as far away from her as possible (might sound cruel but it had to be done!!) and things are grand too and i hear shes doing alright!!

AnnaStezia

Always a rotten situation to deal with.

Criticism of you for giving it a second go is unfair. This is to your credit. It shows beyond all doubt that you gave it a fair go and NO blame attaches to you for any of this.

Agree with the emotional blackmail comments. Ultimately, we are all responsible for ourselves. Your ex needs to learn that lesson and mature a good bit.

Move on and leave this behind...............

Ickle Magoo

If he starts using empotional blackmail & threaten suicide maybe let him know that is precisely the kind of behaviour which has led to you leaving him - it may make him think.....he is trying to cling onto you by hoping you will feel guilty enough about his threats to stay with him....it's not fair & it's not loving of him, maybe tell him that too if he asks?!

Tell people what he is saying, these kind of people thrive on secrecy.....maybe tell/show a friend of his or family member if you are really worried and then move on....if he is doing this after a yr & after you have given it your best, it doesn't bode well for the future if you don't get away from him now.....best of luck

LegacyUser

This is the only section I browse on Boards and it's normally to make myself feel better when I see the extreme, extreme problems other people have in their lives [it's selfish but.. ah..] but this is a thread that really struck a chord with me.

Back in September I broke up with a horrible witch and started messing around on a site called MySpace.com with a friend of mine, having a competition to see who could bag the most hot women on their profile.

While I was winning, I started to talk seriously with a girl from Seattle who was a pretty depressed kitten. Her talk of suicide resounded strongly with me because I lost one of my best friends that way, and had to drive his three brothers to the county morgue to view the body, and I figured I could 'save' her and another family from the same horror.

One night, around Halloween, I realised just how attached she was to me when she started to express some pretty weird feelings in my direction, so I started to try and talk her down and explain we were just online friends and don't pin your whole life on me [I didn't want the responsibility]. While I had a 'but we're still great friends and always will be' ending planned for that particular Skype type session, my unreliable net connection bailed, and when I logged back on, she was gone.

I knew in that instant she'd done something stupid, and she had. She OD'd on a massive amount of paracetemol and it was only when her friend realised how much she was slurring her voice that something was wrong and called an ambulance. A stomach pump later and some psych and she was back on the streets $15,000 poorer for the medical attention.

She's now been to visit me three times, each time the visit gets closer together to the point she's in my house for fourteen days at a time, after flying in from the States. My own life is going to pieces because of her. She was here at the beginning of Dec and the end of January.

I know if I shut her out [even though I'm drowning in my own life] that she really, really will commit suicide, and I'm terrified. I've seen first hand what it can do to a family. I know what suicide is all about and I still feel guilty about my friends death, let alone hers.

Don't dig yourself into the hole I'm in. I walk around terrified all day long that she's dead or pregnant and I'm stuck with her for life. I make her sound like a demon, when she isn't, she doesn't understand what she does to me, but inside, I'm a broken man.

Don't dig yourself into the hole I'm in. Don't turn your life into one, long, terrified day after another wonder if that other person is alive or dead. I know my particular situation is going to have a very unhappy ending, it's just a question of which one of us gets pushed over the edge first, and who follows.

Talliesin

Leave him. Don't look back. Don't wonder about what might have been.

If he makes unwanted contact contact the Gardai.

Zombrex

Floopy wrote:

Thing is i really dont see him as the one as hes so quick to get angry and is paranoid that im cheating (i'm not) he suspects everyone is trying it on with me and accuses me of this when its all inhis head and now even the friendship bond is strained as im losing interest fast. But if i leave i think he really will harm himself or at the least just quit his job, i have so much pressure on me that he has structured his whole future around me being with him when my hearts not in it. what to do.......

Your boyfriend sounds like a nut job, who needs serious help, but that isn't your problem, and in fact you probably make the situation worse ... if he is actually sucidial he is never going to get help or deal with what is going on with him if you are around.

tell his parents what he said to you, or tell the police, and then leave him and never look back, for yours and his sake. Seriously, it may not sound like it but you are doing him no good being with him. It is part of his problem. Cut all contact with him. If he keeps hassling you get in contact with the Gardi and tell them that he has threatened to harm himself.

You cannot, and will not be able to, fix him

neuro-praxis

While we all have responisbilities to the people we have in our lives, we are not responsible FOR them.

Likewise you are not responsible FOR this man in any way. He's ill, you'll never fix him, despite how guilty you may feel you should leave him as soon as possible and perhaps have a word in the ear of his friends/family about his mental state.

the_syco

Sorry for going off topic...

xaos [unreg] wrote:

She's now been to visit me three times, each time the visit gets closer together to the point she's in my house for fourteen days at a time, after flying in from the States. My own life is going to pieces because of her. She was here at the beginning of Dec and the end of January.

I know if I shut her out B]even though I'm drowning in my own life[/B that she really, really will commit suicide, and I'm terrified. I've seen first hand what it can do to a family. I know what suicide is all about and I still feel guilty about my friends death, let alone hers.

Whilst training to be a lifeguard, the most important lesson is "you're number 1". If they won't do as you say, and drown, tough sh|t. The "you're number 1" bit is proberly the reason why most of the lifeguard training is about getting out of headlocks, etc, if the person clings to you, to use you as a float, instead of doing what you say, and allowing you to help them to safety.

In life, you're number one. Either cut her loose, or you'll both go down together. If you fear she'll take her life, get her institutionalized, tbh, for you can't be with her 27/7, and unless you cut her loose, you'll die, and she'll just cling onto some other poor soul.

You say she doesn't know the effect she has on other people... maybe she doesn't, but untill she does, she'll do to others what she's doing to you. Either help her help herself, or get rid of her, whilst you are still alive.

Oh, and find out if you're the first person she "clinged" onto, or if you're one of a long line of people that she has leeched emotional support off.

jubi lee

floopy do you know his family? could you take on of them aside and explain the situation... thus giving one of them the responsibility..


its all well and good to say leave him etc but what if he does do something...you feel ****...at least if you speak to someone who knows him then ur out of it if you know what i mean:(

Untense

neuro-praxis wrote:

While we all have responisbilities to the people we have in our lives, we are not responsible FOR them.

Exactly. These People are leeches that use you. They might not know it but that doesn't make it any less true, they use you to make themselves feel better.

The funny thing is that these people rarely feel better, even after dumping all their problems on your lap.


Drop him fast. You have yourself to take care of.

The Gecko

You have to take the advice of the majority; you are not responsible for the action of others.

I suggest you write a letter explaining your feelings and concerns and cut all communication from then on. Trying to explain your feelings verbally can be difficult and lead to arguments that help no one.

Finally if you think he is serious about killing himself, the best thing you can do is recommend he gets professional help - do this in the letter.....

Best of luck
The Gecko