He wont go away

pepper

Ok long story short ive been friendly with this fella(we,ll call him john) for about 3 years.Hes a lovely bloke and I slept with him a few times, though i told him it ment nothing etc.

Anyway about a year ago he started textn me every day and calling me everyday, then he got drunk one night and said he loved me, since then he wont leave me alone,I am with someone who i adore- and i have NO feelings for John at all and Ive told him that but he just wont quit- he sends me chocs and flowers and letters.

So i told him about a month ago to leave me alone and I dont want to know him anymore. So i got(im not exaggerating)17 texts from him in the space of 2 hours saying' i love you please dont do this" (i didnt answer any of them)

I had to change my number because this was going on all day every day,Then on my birthday he went live on the radio and declared his love for me- and all my family heard it, and my bf is furious and thinks i cheated.

This guy wont leave me alone,Ive gone to the police and they said they cant do anything because hes not threating me

I just dont know what to do

lizanne

Thats crap the police can do something if you had to change your number and he still wont go away- he is harassing you

Nuttzz

you slept with him and nows he is clingy, what do you expect???

time for some firm words....

pepper

Nuttzz wrote:

you slept with him and nows he is clingy, what do you expect???

time for some firm words....

i slept with him two years ago

wyndham

pepper wrote:

Hes a lovely bloke and I slept with him a few times, .........

This guy wont leave me alone,Ive gone to the police

Conflicted?

Eminem

pepper wrote:

Ok long story short ive been friendly with this fella(we,ll call him john) for about 3 years.Hes a lovely bloke and I slept with him a few times, though i told him it ment nothing etc.

Anyway about a year ago he started textn me every day and calling me everyday, then he got drunk one night and said he loved me, since then he wont leave me alone,I am with someone who i adore- and i have NO feelings for John at all and Ive told him that but he just wont quit- he sends me chocs and flowers and letters.

So i told him about a month ago to leave me alone and I dont want to know him anymore. So i got(im not exaggerating)17 texts from him in the space of 2 hours saying' i love you please dont do this" (i didnt answer any of them)

I had to change my number because this was going on all day every day,Then on my birthday he went live on the radio and declared his love for me- and all my family heard it, and my bf is furious and thinks i cheated.

This guy wont leave me alone,Ive gone to the police and they said they cant do anything because hes not threating me

I just dont know what to do

Best thing you can do is just try and forget about him. He is not wourth it if he is going to be like that to you. He should get the message buy know that your not intrested in him .

bounty_hunter

In fairness Nuttzz, I would call that a bit more than clingy

OP, it may be time for you to engage in a bit of a harsh chat with this lad. Try telling him that nothing is ever going to happen between you because you have no interest in him, what has already happened meant nothing, he's making your life a misery, scaring you, making you paranoid, and if he doesn't stop contacting you you're going to go to the police. Be extremely blunt, and if he responds with anything that sounds like emotional blackmail get nasty with him.

Send this as a text message or email, or some other form of communication that can be recorded. That way, if he still doesn't get the picture and continues to contact you, you can take what you have told him to the police and show them that you have pleaded with him to leave you alone and therefore what he is doing to you well and truly qualifies as harassment.

I know this might sound silly, but if you haven't expressly told him what he's doing to you and that nothing whatsoever is going to happen between you, he may somehow think he has some kind of chance. If he is so obsessed to go as far as he has he may be completely uncapable of taking hints at this stage.

Edit: I understand you've already said these things to him, but the writing it down would be for the sake of going to the police. And also for one more attempt at doing it as bluntly as possible.
You say he is a lovely guy, it's quite possible this opinion has come across in what you've been saying to him, and so he thinks you like him. It really is time to just get nasty.

pepper

Eminem wrote:

Best thing you can do is just try and forget about him. He is not wourth it if he is going to be like that to you. He should get the message buy know that your not intrested in him .

i have told him a million times hes scaring me now he sent a friend round here tonight to "make me see sense" I wasnt here but when i got home there was a note and a rose taped to my door- its getting to the stage where im thinking of moving

pepper

bounty_hunter wrote:

In fairness Nuttzz, I would call that a bit more than clingy

OP, it may be time for you to engage in a bit of a harsh chat with this lad. Try telling him that nothing is ever going to happen between you because you have no interest in him, what has already happened meant nothing, he's making your life a misery, scaring you, making you paranoid, and if he doesn't stop contacting you you're going to go to the police. Be extremely blunt, and if he responds with anything that sounds like emotional blackmail get nasty with him.

Send this as a text message or email, or some other form of communication that can be recorded. That way, if he still doesn't get the picture and continues to contact you, you can take what you have told him to the police and show them that you have pleaded with him to leave you alone and therefore what he is doing to you well and truly qualifies as harassment.

I know this might sound silly, but if you haven't expressly told him what he's doing to you and that nothing whatsoever is going to happen between you, he may somehow think he has some kind of chance. If he is so obsessed to go as far as he has he may be completely uncapable of taking hints at this stage.

Edit: I understand you've already said these things to him, but the writing it down would be for the sake of going to the police. And also for one more attempt at doing it as bluntly as possible.
You say he is a lovely guy, it's quite possible this opinion has come across in what you've been saying to him, and so he thinks you like him. It really is time to just get nasty.

That sounds like a plan but he does not have my new number so i dont want to text him cos he will have it then, I did show the police the texts he left on my old number- they said it was a "lovers tiff" and in none of the messages did he threaten me- My dad was with me at the police station and he was furious, he wants me to move back home as hes so worried about me.

Its getting to the stage where if i hear a knock on the door i hide

Eminem

pepper wrote:

i have told him a million times hes scaring me now he sent a friend round here tonight to "make me see sense" I wasnt here but when i got home there was a note and a rose taped to my door- its getting to the stage where im thinking of moving

Jesus . He really has a problem why cant he just leave you alone . Ok you say yoy have topuld him to leave you alone , but next time if you come into contact with him , Make it quiet clear that yoy want nothing to with the like of him .

bounty_hunter

Edit: In reply to Pepper -

Aye, that's a good point. Maybe set up a new email address and then delete it afterwards? Make sure you don't delete it til after you've used it as evidence though. I think they may take it slightly more seriously if you've actually tell him to leave you alone in writing and he refuses. Also keep note of any other evidence against him, such as the note that was left at your house. It may also be helpful, mad as it sounds, to keep a diary of every time he contacts you, just so they can see the extent he is going to.

By the way, it is of extreme importance when you email him that you show no sign whatsoever of any endearment, or give him any excuse to reply, such as asking questions. It's an easy trap to fall into. Best of luck

Eminem

pepper wrote:

That sounds like a plan but he does not have my new number so i dont want to text him cos he will have it then, I did show the police the texts he left on my old number- they said it was a "lovers tiff" and in none of the messages did he threaten me- My dad was with me at the police station and he was furious, he wants me to move back home as hes so worried about me.

Its getting to the stage where if i hear a knock on the door i hide

Thats wrong know one should have to that , He sounds lie a complete nutter to me.

pepper

thanks everyone- i will try that email thing- i hope it works,i really dont want to move back home and i cant just go and leave my flatmate with this cos if he calls and she says i moved he probley wont believe her and keep calling and sending things

bounty_hunter

Good luck, let us know how you get along.

Eminem

pepper wrote:

thanks everyone- i will try that email thing- i hope it works,i really dont want to move back home and i cant just go and leave my flatmate with this cos if he calls and she says i moved he probley wont believe her and keep calling and sending things

Best of luck :rolleyes:

harney

pepper wrote:

Then on my birthday he went live on the radio and declared his love for me- and all my family heard it, and my bf is furious and thinks i cheated.

Sounds quite bad pepper, I hope your bf has calmed down towards you.

Why not go on the same radio show and explain your side of the story? Who know, there could be alot of other just like you out there - you might even get a free tshirt from the radio station

Exon

Pick your nose in front of him!

pepper

harney wrote:

Sounds quite bad pepper, I hope your bf has calmed down towards you.

Why not go on the same radio show and explain your side of the story? Who know, there could be alot of other just like you out there - you might even get a free tshirt from the radio station

ha ha- no if i do that he will think" she went on the radio to talk about me so she must love me back"

believe me u dont know what a freak this guy is

the_syco

F*ck it. You tried the easy way, but now you should try fighting fire with fire.

Become THE ultimate bunny boiler, and go f*cking mental the next time he as so much looks your way.

paulmartin

Get your new fella to sort him out:v:

Beruthiel

Exon
paulmartin
it is obvious that you both have not read this forums charter with regards to useless, unhelpful comments - please do so before you get yourselves banned.
B

Plastic Scouser

I completely disagree with the people who have said that you should email/text/talk to this guy again, even if it's to tell him to get lost.

He wants your attention and by giving it to him, even if you're really rude to him, he will see it as a breakthrough because at least you're talking to him!

My advice would therefore be do not engage with him at all, not by text, email, in person, or through friends of friends! Completely ignore him!

Also, keep a written record of every contact he tries to make with you in a diary with the date, time, content etc. Then if this carries on and a few months down the road he still hasn't got the message you can go to the police again.

Beruthiel

Plastic Scouser wrote:

I completely disagree with the people who have said that you should email/text/talk to this guy again, even if it's to tell him to get lost.

He wants your attention and by giving it to him, even if you're really rude to him, he will see it as a breakthrough because at least you're talking to him!

My advice would therefore be do not engage with him at all, not by text, email, in person, or through friends of friends! Completely ignore him!

Also, keep a written record of every contact he tries to make with you in a diary with the date, time, content etc. Then if this carries on and a few months down the road he still hasn't got the message you can go to the police again.

I agree with all of the above, even negative attention is still better than none at all.

IrishAirCorps

pepper wrote:

I slept with him a few times, though i told him it ment nothing etc.

SLUT.

helping?

Gordon

Wow, IrishAirCorps is banned indefinitely without pm warning.

Chucky the tree

Plastic Scouser wrote:

Also, keep a written record of every contact he tries to make with you in a diary with the date, time, content etc. Then if this carries on and a few months down the road he still hasn't got the message you can go to the police again.

the fellas doing in head in already, cant see her wanting to wait another few months to see how it goes.


I'd go to a solictor and see if you can get so sort of restraining order.

pepper

Ok at 12.15am i was asleep in bed and a brick was hurled through my flatmates bedroom window- then 2 minutes later someone started kicking the front door and screaming at me to "get out here"

I called the police and they came but there was no one around- they took statements and left- one of the officers stayed in case something happened again cos it was just us 2 girls- 2 minutes after they left the kicking on the door started again- so the officer went out and arrested him- and it was johns brother.

Its 3.47am now and I am just back from the police station-Apparantly John told everyone he knows that I am his GF and ive been cheating on him and hitting him(HA) and trying to harm him and mess with his head- and tonight his brother got ****ed up on e tablets and decided i needed to be"taut a lesson"

At least now the police will take me seriously

Caryatnid

pepper wrote:

Ok at 12.15am i was asleep in bed and a brick was hurled through my flatmates bedroom window- then 2 minutes later someone started kicking the front door and screaming at me to "get out here"

I called the police and they came but there was no one around- they took statements and left- one of the officers stayed in case something happened again cos it was just us 2 girls- 2 minutes after they left the kicking on the door started again- so the officer went out and arrested him- and it was johns brother.

Its 3.47am now and I am just back from the police station-Apparantly John told everyone he knows that I am his GF and ive been cheating on him and hitting him(HA) and trying to harm him and mess with his head- and tonight his brother got ****ed up on e tablets and decided i needed to be"taut a lesson"

At least now the police will take me seriously

Good grief, what a nutjob. I can't believe he has his friend and brother in on this as well. Have you started to keep a diary? This is definitely vital you do this for showing to the gardaí/judge. Maybe Pepper, it is better to move. I'm presuming (maybe wrongly) that you're just renting? You just got a brick through your window. Is it really worth the hassle? Your flatmate and you could find a place together. You gotta get out of that place, and from what little I know about harassment, it's very difficult to get barring orders etc until something bad happens. And I don't want anything bad to happen to you.

Beruthiel wrote:

Exon
paulmartin
it is obvious that you both have not read this forums charter with regards to useless, unhelpful comments - please do so before you get yourselves banned.
B

Just because people post some advice that you don't necessarily agree with, or advise yourself, doesn't mean you have to ban them. Surely people post here to hear all sorts of opinions. In this case, maybe if Pepper really did pretend to be repulsive and pick her nose, or get her boyf to talk to this 'John' and tell him to get lost.... maybe it would help?
(But btw I don't really think it would. I'm just trying to make a little point).

Reaver772

Go down to the station tommorow and ask about getting a restraining order against him and his brother, then move either back home or somewhere there's a couple of lads around - they might think twice about throwing bricks through windows and trying to kick the door in if they get a hurley shoved up the arse. You might want to think about getting some self-defence classes as well.

michaelanthony

Get a restraining order

Beruthiel

Caryatnid wrote:

Just because people post some advice that you don't necessarily agree with, or advise yourself, doesn't mean you have to ban them. Surely people post here to hear all sorts of opinions. In this case, maybe if Pepper really did pretend to be repulsive and pick her nose, or get her boyf to talk to this 'John' and tell him to get lost.... maybe it would help?
(But btw I don't really think it would. I'm just trying to make a little point).

:rolleyes:
it is clear that you also have not read this forums charter,
I suggest you do so before posting again.
B

humanji

I was just wondering if you're pressing charges over the incident? Sometimes the cops will dismiss it, thinking of it as a once off, but I think you should definitely press charges. And as others have said, a restraining order might be an idea but that may not stop him. I think one of the best ideas so far is for you and your flatmate to move out, or at least have someone stay with you for a while (and the self defence classes are a good idea for everyone in this day and age).

Sadly I think this one is only going to get worse before it gets better. Just hang in and you'll get through.:)

Zombrex

Send him an email or letter saying that he is acting like a psycho, he is really scarying you, that you have been in contact with the police, that you will press charges if he doesn't stop (he doesn't need to know the police are ignoring you), and that he has totally freaked you out with the totally over the top level of contact, and that you never want to see him again

And, the old trick, tell him that if he really loved you, if he really cared about you, that he would respect your wishes and leave you the f**k alone.

I would say he is living in a little dream world, and doesn't really see that what he is doing is actually causing serious concern and hassle.

If he sees you are deadly serious, that this is not on and that you are scared and disgusted by how he has been acting, and that you are serious about stopping it, hopefully that will bring him back down to Earth.

It would also be no harm to start recording how exactly he is contacting you, and how often. If you do need to take it further records like this will be very important.

The Sweeper

Wicknight wrote:

Send him an email or letter saying that he is acting like a psycho, he is really scarying you, that you have been in contact with the police, that you will press charges if he doesn't stop (he doesn't need to know the police are ignoring you), and that he has totally freaked you out with the totally over the top level of contact, and that you never want to see him again

Absolutely do not communicate with him in any way, shape or form.

Do not speak to him, email him, write to him, send him a letter, ask your friends to speak to him, set up a fake email account, get your boyfriend to sort him out, ask your father to talk to him or anything else along those lines.

Do not tell him you're frightened, freaked out, unsure of yourself or scared of him or his family.

Any contact you have with him from this point onwards will not help your case in any way, shape or form.

You are being stalked.

You know most people have to be famous to get a stalker, but you have one for free. Unfortunately, he's just as much of a pain in the ass as famous people's stalkers are, but you don't have the money they do to hire a bodyguard.

Make a full statement to the police and see about getting yourself a solicitor. Enquire about a restraining order, and if the police won't do that ask him if they'll speak with John, at his house, or to his family, and let them know you are not happy with his attention.

If he persists in contacting you, document the contact and build up a file to take to the police.

Just because he's not threatening to hurt you it doesn't mean it's not intimidating you or, frankly, ruining your life. Treat this accordingly.

malico

Psychology mode:

He is displacing his feelings of sadness, loss and frustation on what he sees as the source of it. You. You state that in the past you have had meaningless sex. But this is not the case. What was meaningless to you was not meaningless to him, and he is feeling rejection. He is feeling that he has lost something he desperatly wants back, and, as you were ignoting him before, he feel he must make a lot of commotion to get you to notice him. Is he a middle child?

Many people have suggested an e-mail or a text to get your feelings accross. And, I believe this will infuriate him more. Your boss send you an e-mail; not someone you love. This is impersonal and will aggitate him more leading him to feel that his is meaningless to you. If he feels that, his ructions will become more and more.

How do you stop it? Well, the police is not the way forward. You have a few options, listed in order of preference.

1. Have a one to one talk with him. Over coffee. In a very public place. Explain to him that you reaslise you hurt him in the past and have led him on, and you regret it. That you would like to be his friend, but he will have to realise that he cannot behave like this. Be firm, give the facts and try not to show anger.

2. An intervention: Have some of his friends and yourself to take him into a room and explain the situation and how you feel about it. Avoid cliches such as "get help" or "see a shring, loser". Do not resort to anger or name calling, instead use a calm, soothing presence.

3. Psychiatric help. Ask his family to discuss his mental state with him. Has anything happened with him recently, apart from you (Because this may not be just about you) that may make him angry and lash out. Problems at school/college/work, interpersonal issues. All these can be looked at with a trained professional. Perhaps he may need to spend some time in councelling / a psychiatric unit (St John of Gods or Clontarf Central Hospital work wonders)

4. White van, mountains, shovel.

Hope these suggestions help. (And go my psych course!)

Zombrex

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Absolutely do not communicate with him in any way, shape or form.
...
Just because he's not threatening to hurt you it doesn't mean it's not intimidating you or, frankly, ruining your life. Treat this accordingly.

Yeah, that makes better sense than my post... having any communication, even to tell him to go away, will probably just keep it going on in his head.

To OP, as MinesaJackDaniels says, time to get legal advice and get serious. It is not true that the police cannot do anything unless he threatens you. This guy is obviously a couple of cans short of a six pack.

Sleepy

Try a different police station maybe?

Lux23

I had a similar experience with a girl (Im Straight) before Christmas. I never encouraged her in the slightest and I told her from the start I had no interest in her at all. But she kept texting saying how much she wanted to have sex with me and how I should just give it a go. In the end I told a few mutal friends and she stopped the texting, the Police also gave her a warning. Recently she has been turning up in places where I go out which is very annoying and she has somehow managed to get a hold of my new number and is ringing me a good bit. She never texts though because shes clever enough to realise that its proof of her harassment.

It is a really scary thing when someone becomes utterly obsessed with you and no matter what you do or say they won't leave you alone. I hope things work out for you pepper and if I was you I would get a restraining order, theres is more then enough case for it. Get to a lawyer as soon as you can.

eth0_

CALL THE FSCKING GUARDS!
If someone is stalking you and making your life a misery, you need to get a barring order against this nutter.

Loomis

Sleeping with him definitely didn't help things.
Did you sleep with him while with your current guy?

LundiMardi

more importantly, did you know how he felt about you before you slept with him?

The Sweeper

I strongly doubt the OP knew the extent of this guy's feelings before she slept with him. As for it "not helping", I didn't realise sleeping with people was supposed to help them. I thought it was for fun if it's casual sex, and for fun and commitment if it's not.

Anyway - I think 'Johns' feelings have distorted. What was infatuation has turned into an obsession. He's made up stories and created a whole fantasy life between himself and the OP. It's so bad that other people are beginning to take violent actions to retaliate on his behalf because they believe she's cheating on him.

"Sitting him down", "going for coffee", "sitting down in a room with him" - all of these involve further contact between the OP and John. At the moment, John misconstrues all contact. Why do you think it would be different if she confronted him? If he's capable of misinterpreting everything up to now, why do you think the 'brutal truth' approach will make any difference?

And what the hell use is it going to be if, for any reason, he becomes upset and then violent while being told these home truths?

Whoever John is, he needs help. Genuinely. He's formed an obsession with someone that he needs to be professionally assisted out of, before it does any more damage to him or to the OP. If the OP goes to the police, she can lay the groundwork that may assist John in seeking professional help.

To the OP: what age are you guys? Does John live at home or in rented accommodation? Could you get John's parents involved?

Let's be fair to John for a moment; he hasn't concocted this attachment completely out of nothing. There was, however briefly, a sufficient amount of physical contact between you that he attached an emotional importance to it. Yes, he's taken the fact that you had sex and blown it out of all proportion. He's crossed the boundaries of post-coital sane behaviour and is now frightening you. He needs to stop.

However you need to take some responsibility for your original actions, and in my opinion the best way you can do that is to be completely honest about the extent of your contact with John to the people around you. Then they can help you break all contact with him, and make sure you don't just bulldoze him in the process.

Miss Fluff

There's an anti-stalking law under The Domestic Violence Act, 1996. Perpetrators can face imprisonment. Go to the police again and don't leave until they take you seriously. This guy is obviously seriously f*cked up and should be locked up. Go and sort this out once and for all before it goes too far.

Faith

Cosmopolitan had an article recently all about stalking, and what you can do. It's becoming increasingly common and more dangerous. I'll try and root out the article and see what advice it gives, or you could email them yourself.

pepper

Mr. Anderson wrote:

Sleeping with him definitely didn't help things.
Did you sleep with him while with your current guy?

no i slept with him AGES before i was with my current bf- i have not been near john in nearly two years which is why his behiviours so strange and why hes only been acting weird the last few months

Santa Claus

I'd recommend getting your father to talk to his parents.
He's acting like a spoilt child and a bollocking from his parents might be just the thing he needs to finally cop on to himself.

Give your dad specific details such as the 17 texts in 2 hours, the rose taped to the door, the brick through the window obviously...basically the more the better so they can see just how much of a nutter their son is being !


Friend of mine had a psycho ex like this a few years ago. Her parents are both dead and as she's practically one of the family, my dad went round to her ex's parents and explained everything that was going on. She was 25 and her ex was 31 but within 2 days of my dad going round to his family he stopped contacting her and thankfully hasn't heard from him since (in fact twice she has seen him in pubs and he couldn't get out of her way quick enough!).