not attractive enough

LegacyUser

I don't really know what I'm looking for in terms of responses, but basically I've just become really obsessed with the way I look and I'm worried. I'm 25 and I'm just not happy with myself at all. I've put on some weight in the last couple of years. I believe this was due to the fact that I was on anti-depressants (I'm off them now). I'm not fat, I'm about a size 14-16 (I'm 5'10", so that's not too bad), but I used to be so thin, and I have such a hard time looking at myself in the mirror, no matter what I wear. I used to look great in anything. When I was 19/20 or so I would have been considered very attractive; I had very nice features, was a size 10 and was popular with men and quite confident. Now even my face doesn't look pretty because of the extra weight. I am trying to lose weight, I'm eating healthy and want to start doing more physical activity. The weight isn't the only issue though. My skin isn't as fresh at it used to be, and I've been getting more spots than I did when I was a teenager. I think this is due to stress. I've been going out with an amazing guy for the last 9 months or so, and while he does nothing to make me feel bad about myself, in fact he's so wonderful to me, I'm worried that the relationship is making me obsessed with my looks. The thing is he's 8 years younger than me, and even though I'm only 25, I'm constantly worried about being old. I keep comparing myself to when I was younger, and to girls my boyfriend's age. I'm feeling positive about losing the weight, but I'm worried that by the time I lose it it'll be too late because I'm too old to be considered hot. I know a lot of it is psychological, and plenty of people tell me I'm attractive, I just feel this pressure to be perfect, or as close to it as I used to be, and I'm just terrified of getting old. Whenever I see attractive girls or read things in magazines or some of the threads on boards about looks and men's opinions I get really depressed. My boyfriend knows I am conscious of my looks, and is reassuring and loving, but I don't think anybody understands what a major problem this is. Why is there so much pressure like this on girls?

Pigman II

You sound overly self-obsessed. That's the most unattractive thing about you and I've never even seen you. Get over that first and the rest will follow.

py2006

The pressure you put on yourself to look "perfect" is all your own doing! I doubt you look as bad as you've managed to convince yourself!

When people are unhappy with themselves physically/mentally they loose the spark of brightness from their face. (If that makes sense). You loose your self confidence and it shows to the outside world. People who are confident and happy with themselves seem to show it in their face and they looking glowing! Its hard to explain.

People pick up on your unhappiness and its unattractive! The key here is to try to ignore the voice in your head telling you this that and other as more than likely its not true!

I doubt anybody has come up to you and said your fat, your ugly, your unnatractive and getting old??? Its all you! Besides your 25 not 55!!

I probably didn't help here at all!

WhiteWashMan

a girl wrote:

want to start doing more physical activity. ?

then i suggest you do it instead of talking about it.
i know it takes a lot to get yourself into these sorts of things, but if you dont do it, nothing will change, and you will continue to be depressed.

a girl wrote:

Why is there so much pressure like this on girls?

there is only as much pressure as you put on yourself.

everything you have said suggests to me that you are worried about what other people think of you. perhaps you need to look beyond the weight and the spots and take a deeper look at your life.

youre 25, i think you may be going through the mid life crisis that everyone seems to go through these days. youre not 19 anymore. youll probably never look like that again. its depressing but its true. i still miss my teenage six pack
perhpas youre just feeling lost like someone else on here on another thread. perhaps you just need change something, or get yourself something to aim for and it can transform your life.

but i do think the weight is the only a sympton of some other issue. dealing with the weight wont solve anything.
think about it.

Nickibaby*

Your boyfriend is 17 then?

Perhaps going out with someone so much younger is making you feel frumpy. He must still be at school! No wonder you are feeling old before your time.

Eileithyia

For God sake your boyfriend is 17! No wonder u are insecure and feel old if you are going out with him.. your (girl)friends are probably getting in serious relationships with guys their own age (26/etc) who are considering things like moving in together, having children, etc, but what guy at 17 is going to commit to anything like that?

UNIFLU

hey there,

dont beat yourself up over this, i was on anti d's for many years and went the other way totally, imagine 6ft4 and nine stone, took ages to get my weight back up but managed it. am still thin (like a rasher) but know that i am at my natural weight, it took me a long time to become comfortable with myself as i always thought i should be like others about me - silly silly idea. in reality you are the way you are and you have to be comfortable with it. it is possible that the weight you gained was part to do with your anti d's and part to do with your metabolism. dont beat yourself up over how your b/f's friends lok like, they are still young and growing. more than likely they wont look like that in another few years time. if you need a chat at alll pm me.

take care,

E.

LegacyUser

Pigman II wrote:

You sound overly self-obsessed. That's the most unattractive thing about you and I've never even seen you. Get over that first and the rest will follow.

Yes, I am self obsessed, that is what worries me. I don't want to think like this or feel like this. That's why I posted this, because I am worried about the fact that my looks bother me so much. I'd love to be carefree and not place so much emphasis on these things. Thanks for your very sensitive insight. What a way to make a depressed girl feel worse.

py2006 wrote:

When people are unhappy with themselves physically/mentally they loose the spark of brightness from their face. (If that makes sense).

It does make sense. I definitely agree with you, and yeah, you did help, thanks!

WhiteWashMan wrote:

everything you have said suggests to me that you are worried about what other people think of you. perhaps you need to look beyond the weight and the spots and take a deeper look at your life.

youre 25, i think you may be going through the mid life crisis that everyone seems to go through these days. youre not 19 anymore. youll probably never look like that again. its depressing but its true. i still miss my teenage six pack
perhpas youre just feeling lost like someone else on here on another thread. perhaps you just need change something, or get yourself something to aim for and it can transform your life.

but i do think the weight is the only a sympton of some other issue. dealing with the weight wont solve anything.
think about it.

I have been looking very deeply into my life for quite some time! I'm constantly overanalysing everything and I am searching for some sort of meaning in life. I have become a lot less depressed than I used to be though.

I'm not lost. I do have quite a lot to aim for at the moment. I'm near the end of a degree and looking forward to the prospect of beginning my career. I do feel like I'm having a mid life crisis though! Maybe I am afraid of finally "growing up".

You're right about the issue being much deeper. It's just that I find it's so easy to get sucked into the whole superficial world. Maybe I am putting the pressure on myself, but I am, like all girls, constantly bombarded with advertisements, information and people's opininons that would make one feel that if you're not beautiful nobody will want you. It just makes me sad.

AngryBadger

a girl wrote:

Why is there so much pressure like this on girls?

This kind of pressure is on everyone. It's your choice to respond to it or not.

Ask yourself, why do you feel it's important for you to be a size 10? Should your reason simply be that you want to feel good/healthy, rather than feeling you're satisfying everyone elses expectations?

The truth is, while we convince ourselves that everyone is watching, and commenting on how we look, what we do, our successess, our failures, the reality is that isn't happening.

There will be an extremely small group of people throughout your life who will REALLY CARE about you, and what you're doing with your life, but even then, every dcision has to be made by you, based on what you think is important.

If you really want to lose weight, and you really don't like the way you look, then stick to the changes you're trying to make, but accept that it will take time to see the results, and remember that this should only be important if YOU FEEL it's important.

Lastly, I strongly suspect that going with someone 8 years younger than you is twisting your own values around those of a teenager, which isn't healthy for a 25-year old woman. Maybe you need to revise your relationship with this child, or even terminate it and go looking for someone in your own age bracket.

But again, only you know the answer to that.

LegacyUser

Nickibaby* wrote:

Your boyfriend is 17 then?

Perhaps going out with someone so much younger is making you feel frumpy. He must still be at school! No wonder you are feeling old before your time.

He's not in school. He's in college, same as me. But yeah, it does make me feel old before my time I suppose.

Eileithyia wrote:

For God sake your boyfriend is 17! No wonder u are insecure and feel old if you are going out with him.. your (girl)friends are probably getting in serious relationships with guys their own age (26/etc) who are considering things like moving in together, having children, etc, but what guy at 17 is going to commit to anything like that?

None of my friends are settling down actually! You're right about it being doubtful that he'd want to commit at his age, but nobody knows the future of any relationship. We're happy together though. I wonder is it his age that makes me feel insecure and old. I mean, I wonder if I'd feel that way anyway? Do no other girls feel this pressure to look good? I'd really like to know I'm not alone!

UNIFLU wrote:

hey there,

dont beat yourself up over this, i was on anti d's for many years and went the other way totally, imagine 6ft4 and nine stone, took ages to get my weight back up but managed it. am still thin (like a rasher) but know that i am at my natural weight, it took me a long time to become comfortable with myself as i always thought i should be like others about me - silly silly idea. in reality you are the way you are and you have to be comfortable with it. it is possible that the weight you gained was part to do with your anti d's and part to do with your metabolism. dont beat yourself up over how your b/f's friends lok like, they are still young and growing. more than likely they wont look like that in another few years time. if you need a chat at alll pm me.

take care,

E.

Thanks very much. I appreciate it.

AngryBadger wrote:

This kind of pressure is on everyone. It's your choice to respond to it or not.

Ask yourself, why do you feel it's important for you to be a size 10? Should your reason simply be that you want to feel good/healthy, rather than feeling you're satisfying everyone elses expectations?

The truth is, while we convince ourselves that everyone is watching, and commenting on how we look, what we do, our successess, our failures, the reality is that isn't happening.

There will be an extremely small group of people throughout your life who will REALLY CARE about you, and what you're doing with your life, but even then, every dcision has to be made by you, based on what you think is important.

If you really want to lose weight, and you really don't like the way you look, then stick to the changes you're trying to make, but accept that it will take time to see the results, and remember that this should only be important if YOU FEEL it's important.

Lastly, I strongly suspect that going with someone 8 years younger than you is twisting your own values around those of a teenager, which isn't healthy for a 25-year old woman. Maybe you need to revise your relationship with this child, or even terminate it and go looking for someone in your own age bracket.

But again, only you know the answer to that.

Thanks. It's not really that I care what everyone thinks or want to satisfy anyone else's expectations. It's just the ones that do matter. Like my mother, she's always commenting on how much "bigger" I've become. My boyfriend never says a bad word, but I suppose I just have this thing where I think I have to look good to be wanted/loved/sexy etc.

It's not fair to call him a child. I know it seems strange to some people, but he's very mature. He doesn't have any of the typical teenage values. Like I said, he's in college, same as myself. A lot of people probably think I'm deluding myself, but that's the way it is. We're happy together. I just don't feel so happy about myself sometimes, but surely that doesn't mean I should leave the person who makes me feel the happiest?

I think I'll take everyone's advice and try to change my attitude about myself. I've gotten out of depression before, I'm sure I can do it again. And it's not like I think like this all of the time. It's mainly when I see or read something about what men think of girls. Maybe I should just stop doing that! Or stop caring about what men I don't even know think about girls I/they don't even know.

planck2

you know I have come to following conclusion. To judge a person solely on whether or not they are attractive in the commercial or fashion sense is degrading and takes away from their dignity. Sure everyone would like to be really "hot", but you know this can never be the case. The old adage that what is underneath really is true and maybe you should get somebody your own age, he is only 17

metrovelvet

If your afraid he will leave you you will get so insecure it will drive him away. In a weird way you create what you fear and invite it into your life.

As for attractiveness, its attitude more than anything. Your in your 20s so your still learning to accept yourself. At that age we still all think we are ugly, well most of us.

But really its the life force that zings through you, you know like moths to a flame. When you are radiant you attract. Your body, your skin, the rest will follow.

I have been feeling particularly good lately, and was walking down the street the other day with extra zing in my step and I got followed twice. Then yesterday I was told one of the nicest compliments ever. [Yes, AB Im showing off now!:p ]

So listen,it may not be so good to be with an 18 year old.

Whats your diet like? Post it. That will make a big difference. I can help. IM me or PM me if you want.

AngryBadger

metrovelvet wrote:

As for attractiveness, its attitude more than anything. I have been feeling particularly good lately, and was walking down the street the other day with extra zing in my step and I got followed twice. Then yesterday I was told one of the nicest compliments ever. [Yes, AB Im showing off now!:p ]

You're absolutely right metro, especially about the showing off

turbot

I agree with metrovelvet.

There are several issues here:

1) Digital Television is exarcerbating attractiveness expectancy, meaning that most people basically have to work harder to look better, and because many people do, if you fall behind, you feel it.

Ireland is also being inundated with exotic foreigners, and many of the girls are gorgeous (to us).

2) The nutrition / health culture in Ireland, combined with the "it's grand" cultural subtext in terms of eating and especially drinking, isn't conducive to looking like you've just stepped of an MTV dance video. If you want to look good, you have to structure your life to work out, eat well and have enough money to dress well, stay in a gym.. and enough cop on to find out exactly what works for you and you can sustain.

3) If you've steadily increased in weight, and you're looking worse, and you're depressed about it, then it's probably worth examining your blood sugar levels.

I'm just reading "The low GL Diet" by Patrick Holford and it's making me realise many of my personal woes are due to the lack of energy and enthusiasm created by a seemingly acceptable reliance upon to sugar & stimulants, that in practice is just leaving me worse off.

I reccomend this book... a lot.


BTW... are you saying you are 25 and going out with 17 year old? Honestly, that sounds kinda strange to me. Is he doing his leaving cert?

Faith

Do you mean "The Low GI Diet"? And at 17, I'd imagine he's in 5th year at this stage

Pauleeeeeeee

I was only 17 when I started College.

A 17 year old who is in college is going to be alot more mature than a 17 year old who is still in 5th year in school. The maturity of that person will be affected by who they hang around with (ie, college students or school students).

In saying that though...25 and 17 is a bit of a gap. I'm 20 now and I'd say most 25 year old women would have some problem going out with me because of my age. I'd probably be the same in there shoes.

edit: Only took four years to get 100 posts!

~Leanne~

Age is just a number and if this girl is happy with her boyfriend then let her be! Im 26 and my boyfriend is 19 (near 20) and we have been together over a year and half. so sick of people saying he is too young etc, every person id different. we currently in process of buying a house and he is probably more mature than the guy i work with who are my own age!!

Every girl suffers from these feeling about not feeling / thinking the look good. Dont get too hung up about the extra weight, that can easily be fixed!!