Don't understand men!

funnylily

Hi
Got myself registered on this as I need to ask a question - This is one for the lads!

With my boyfriend nearly 6 months - I'm 37 and he's 39 - netiher of us has any baggage and are both home owners and financially independent - the first 3 months I couldn't get him off me - I was very cautious and felt very smothered. He was full of "I want this to be long term" and "I'm besotted with you" etc. etc. To be honest I did push him away quite a bit. But he got under my skin and by December I was - I think- in love. I have not had much luck with men so not sure what in love is... We haven't said the L word to each other and not looking like it will be anytime soon

Around Christmastime, he became withdrawn and things have been very "ordinary" since then - he blames work stress. The sex has dried up and I feel neither desired or loved at all. I had a serious chat with him a month ago, even suggested a break for a couple of months until the work was not so busy but he said he didn't want me meeting someone else - he apologied and blamed stress again and things did become more loving again for a couple of weeks. We argued about Valentines (I believe, he doesn't!) about two weeks ago and we're back to square one! I am very affectionate to him but all he does is take it but not give any. Yet I know he wants to be with me - but I feel like he just wants a "mate" now. Just spent the weekend together without a sniff of any action! What is wrong with him/me?

Eminem

funnylily wrote:

Hi
Got myself registered on this as I need to ask a question - This is one for the lads!

With my boyfriend nearly 6 months - I'm 37 and he's 39 - netiher of us has any baggage and are both home owners and financially independent - the first 3 months I couldn't get him off me - I was very cautious and felt very smothered. He was full of "I want this to be long term" and "I'm besotted with you" etc. etc. To be honest I did push him away quite a bit. But he got under my skin and by December I was - I think- in love. I have not had much luck with men so not sure what in love is... We haven't said the L word to each other and not looking like it will be anytime soon

Around Christmastime, he became withdrawn and things have been very "ordinary" since then - he blames work stress. The sex has dried up and I feel neither desired or loved at all. I had a serious chat with him a month ago, even suggested a break for a couple of months until the work was not so busy but he said he didn't want me meeting someone else - he apologied and blamed stress again and things did become more loving again for a couple of weeks. We argued about Valentines (I believe, he doesn't!) about two weeks ago and we're back to square one! I am very affectionate to him but all he does is take it but not give any. Yet I know he wants to be with me - but I feel like he just wants a "mate" now. Just spent the weekend together without a sniff of any action! What is wrong with him/me?

Some men i cant understand. But must men i can . I think the best thing you can just ask him straight out because it is bothering you , and you want to no why .

ferdi

you had your chance and now its gone. he wanted you early on but as you said yourself, you pushed him away, so now your getting no action. if your not happy, end it.

Beruthiel

funnylily wrote:

We argued about Valentines (I believe, he doesn't!)

you believe what? come on woman, you're no teenager at this stage and that's what valentines day is for

about two weeks ago and we're back to square one! I am very affectionate to him but all he does is take it but not give any

has he explained to you why this is?

Yet I know he wants to be with me - but I feel like he just wants a "mate" now.

again, have you said that to him?

Just spent the weekend together without a sniff of any action! What is wrong with him/me?

this I would be worried about, six months is too soon for the action to be winding down and if you had a weekend together then I would also have expected it fri/sat and sun!
he say's it's stress from work, but I donno... do you think it's something else? I know stress from work can indeed be on one's mind, but when you're with someone you know only six months I'd have thought that would be enough to get you going....
you need to sit down and talk to him again and tell him you want it straight and honest this time.

Mr. Presentable

I hate to be deflationary, but if he doesn't want sex from you he's almost certainly getting it elsewhere.

Zombrex

funnylily wrote:

What is wrong with him/me?

Unfortunately some men (not all men, some men, and a lot of women btw) can act like this a bit, and it isn't really you.

It is that they are so head over heals with being in a relationship at the start, the exciting new bit, that they get a bit carried away. So they go way over the top, declare undying love, want to spend all time with you etc etc

But then when things settle down, and they kinda get over teh inital "Oh my god I'm going out with someone, this is sooo cool" aspect, things fall back down to Earth, and when the adrenaline and chemicals have clear their system, they might find there isn't a whole lot of something real left.

So I would try to ignore the inital stages, and treat what is happening now as "the relationship". This is what your relationship, the stuff before was just the nitro boost into the relationship.

So if you aren't happy at the moment, and he isn't happy either, maybe the relationship has kinda staled. This unfortunatley happens in relationships that can get heavy quite quick, they can burn out as quickly and one of the reasons why everyone always says "Take it slow" at the start, so you get to know each other properly, and you know what is happening is really real.

So I think you need to have a proper talk with him. And don't take it personally if it doesn't really work out. It seems that you wanted to take it slow and mature, and he went running in with eyes closed and both arms open, so really he only has his self to blame if things now aren't working out. He sounds a little immature, at least immature when it comes to relationships, for someone who is turning 40 ... is he a recently divorsed person by any chance?

Blub2k4

funnylily wrote:

To be honest I did push him away quite a bit. But he got under my skin and by December I was - I think- in love.

When you say pushed him away, did you stop his sexual advances more than once or twice? Was it pushing away in another sense?
I know as a man it is very hard when your advances are spurned by a woman you think you love, If you killed the action a few times it is possible he is not that interested anymore as he has already been turned down a few times and thinks what's the point in getting upset. Did you try to initiate anything over the weekend? If not you better get to it, he already tried and obviously needs his interest rekindled.

The sex has dried up and I feel neither desired or loved at all.

but you started it.....

We argued about Valentines (I believe, he doesn't!) about two weeks ago and we're back to square one!

My view is that Valentines is BS, commercial and unneeded to make it clear how much you love someone, if you are too hung up on that then......it is a womans thing but you wanted a mans perspective

I think you may need to work hard to rekindle his interest, it is a killer to have the woman you love push you away when you are sharing a bed....just a thought.

Owen

If it's any consolation, I don't understand women. I've had a good few fantastic relationships, but ye're all weird. The lot of ye. :-)

LegacyUser

At the beginning of a relationship, men can be gagging for sex when they haven't had it in a while and will be very attentive and romantic in an attempt to get you into bed. Also, the newness of the relationship makes it much more exciting. However once they have been in the relationship for a few months and have gotten used to the sex being on tap, the interest level wanes and it can sometimes seem like too much work. Unfortunately, some men inevitably start scheduling sex around the television schedule.

py2006

Testing wrote:

At the beginning of a relationship, men can be gagging for sex when they haven't had it in a while and will be very attentive and romantic in an attempt to get you into bed. Also, the newness of the relationship makes it much more exciting. However once they have been in the relationship for a few months and have gotten used to the sex being on tap, the interest level wanes and it can sometimes seem like too much work. Unfortunately, some men inevitably start scheduling sex around the television schedule.

Jaysus! :rolleyes:

I wont even respond to that as I know from experience on this particular forum you cannot make similar comments about women without getting threats from the mods!

To the OP, it sounds like his head is messed up in the relationship! As you have said you pushed his advances away earlier in the relationship and he has probably become accustomed to that! So he may have lost confidence is the physical side of things!

The Corinthian

funnylily wrote:

Yet I know he wants to be with me - but I feel like he just wants a "mate" now. Just spent the weekend together without a sniff of any action! What is wrong with him/me?

Perhaps the challenge is gone and now he's faced with the nothing more than the reality of boring old commitment.

In the words of the vicomte de Valmont, “Why do we always chase the one’s that run away?”. If this guy is a bachelor then you now know why.

py2006 wrote:

I wont even respond to that as I know from experience on this particular thread you cannot make similar comments about women without getting threats from the mods!

http://www.glassmusic.com/glass%20violin%20front%20low%20res.jpg

Fraggle

Take your time with this before you say something you might regret. He sounds like a nice guy and I wouldn't hassle him if he is honestly stressed about work. That would be entirely unfair. Who knows what kind of pressure he is under? Maybe you could chat to him about that instead, after all, you are his partner and you should be there to support him.

I wouldn't go fussing at him and crying out for attention, that really bugs a guy and once he thinks he has you he automatically loses some interest.

Play it a little cool yourself and see what happens. He has pulled away affection from you, maintaining that he is stressed. It might give him a bit of a reality check if you did the same yourself.

He is probably taking you for granted a little bit so I personally would stop pawing for attention and act like you are busy with work, friends, etc. Let him see you have other interests other than him and back off for a little while.

If all else fails, at least you will have tried.

metrovelvet

The Corinthian wrote:

In the words of the vicomte de Valmont, “Why do we always chase the one’s that run away?”.

In the words of Mde whatserface: "Immaturity?"

Indeed TC, there;s nothing like unavailability to provide arousal.

Hunger is the best sauce.

Zombrex

py2006 wrote:

To the OP, it sounds like his head is messed up in the relationship!

I doubt that some how ... how many guys expect to get sex all the time on tap at the very start of a relationship, and would be confused if they didn't.

It is prefectly normal for a sexual relationship to develop over time with in a relationship.

I think it is a bit unfair to the OP to imply she was messing with his head by simply wanting to take her time with the relationship, mentally and physically. That is exactly what you are supposed to do in a mature relationship. If anything this guy is messing her around by implying much stronger feelings at the start of the relationship that it seems he actually feels.

TBH this guys sounds quite immature when it comes to relationships. I'm afraid the OP might just need to ask herself is this what she wants, because it might be all she is going to get.

But then it is better to realise things are not working and move on, than to hang around and try to get things to work, or to go back to the way they were.

funnylily

Thanks everybody - all answers made a lot of sense - amazing to have you all out there, it does help! Just to answer a couple of questions - I never pushed him away sexually (d'you think I'm mad??!!!), it was more on an emotional level (he was telling me after 2 weeks he wanted this to be "long term" - I pretty much lost the plot at that!).
He is not a divorcee - was in a pretty destructive relationship for 5 years that broke up 18 months before me - he stayed in it cause he loved her but eventually had to give up the ghost. He won't tell me her name.

He would be more reserved and I am very outgoing, he is a very good man on a practical level and I know would be there for me in any situation, so maybe I am asking too much of him?

As I said I have asked him all the questions you have suggested and it did bring him out for a while, but it seems to have lapsed back to this non-sexual relationship. Could it be depression? In a way, it would be good if it was! At least then you know what you are dealing with and can support him. How long should I give this? There is way more good than bad about him and I don't want to give up on a good person just yet.

Thanks again everybody

Blub2k4

funnylily wrote:

As I said I have asked him all the questions you have suggested and it did bring him out for a while, but it seems to have lapsed back to this non-sexual relationship. Could it be depression? In a way, it would be good if it was! At least then you know what you are dealing with and can support him. How long should I give this? There is way more good than bad about him and I don't want to give up on a good person just yet.

Thanks again everybody

It could be depression or work stress. I suggest that if you want it to be sexual then make it so, take the bull by the horns so to speak and if he is still reticent when you make a large effort then maybe something is seriously wrong, he is the one who has the answer and if you are happy with his answers then wait around, if not then you need to reassess maybe.

The other thing, does it bother him? Is he aware that this is a problem for you?

Fanny Cradock

nipplenuts wrote:

I hate to be deflationary, but if he doesn't want sex from you he's almost certainly getting it elsewhere.

rubbish. unless you know more about their relationship than the OP then you can't say anything "almost certianly".

OP, talk to him. maybe there are some extenuating factors at play...maybe he's lost interest. only he can say. you wont necessarily find out here.

maladroit

Testing wrote:

some men inevitably start scheduling sex around the television schedule.

. . . and some women too - it happened to me once.

"Could you hurry up . . . Brookside's on in a minute"

I kid you not!

For the OP, reading your later posting, I'd be wondering if he is still not completely over the destructive relationship, or if maybe he is finding it hard to function normally in a relationship where he *is* respected (hence things being good initially when you were pushing him away emotionally).

Try to talk to him about this, in as non-confrontational a way as possible.

Maladroit