My girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all,Im just gone 24 and from dublin

This isnt something i feel comfortable talking about to anyone i know unfortunatly so thought id try saying it here..

Ive been going out with a lovely girl (23) the past 4 months and everything was alright till recently--she's just basically not the right girl for me (and i still find my self sorta fantasising about meeting someone special still like i used to when i was single)....I knew this when we first started going out to be honest but I thought ah why not give it a try -it might be fun, usually I wouldnt approach going out with women in this way and if the woman in question doesnt seem just right for me I wouldnt let it go any further...but i'd been single for so long and to put it simply it gets kinda lonely after a while, especially when none of your friends go out anymore(g/f's and lack of interest!) and the fact that it seems to be hard to meet the right person when you want it most...

I know the right thing to do in this case is to probably bite the bullet and break up with the girl but this is something I dont feel able to do just yet...you see ,one of my parents died at xmas-i found it unspeakably hard and still do , Ive never been so messed up emotionally like this before and sometimes i dont know what id have done without my current g/f--she was really there for me through all this and still is...but not only do i not want to hurt her i know deep down a break up is something which i wouldnt be able to handle at this time(its really the last thing i need)...i feel lonely enough as it is without losing some1 whos there for me 24/7

i also feel a bit guilty as im ultimatly waiting for someone "better" to come along

I dont know if im looking for advice here or what, but i know i do need to get it off my chest --hope the post made sense-replies welcome and thanks for reading

Nickibaby*

Goodfella,

Condolences regarding the death of your parent first. It's a hard time for you and i'm sure your head is really messed up.

It's really good that you connect with this girl and at the moment as you said you want and need her to be there for you. This might be a little selfish in a sense but I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

I would continue to go out with her but I wouldn't make any promises about the future or say you love her if you don't mean it.

You never know you could grow to love her....

ST*

Nickibaby* wrote:

I would continue to go out with her but I wouldn't make any promises about the future or say you love her if you don't mean it.
You never know you could grow to love her....

Im sure you mean well, but that is just ridiculous.

Goodfella wrote:

I know the right thing to do in this case is to probably bite the bullet and break up with the girl but this is something I dont feel able to do just yet...you see ,one of my parents died at xmas..
i also feel a bit guilty as im ultimatly waiting for someone "better" to come along..

OP, firstly Im sorry to hear that one of you parents have died, there is no 'right' time of the year for someone you love to die - but around Christmas can be particularly hard.

Secondly, you have got to let this girl go. the answer to your question is in your own post. you know it is wrong, the chances are the girl really likes you. Being single can be lonely, but you aren't being fair to this girl.

You reach out to family and friends for support when a loved one dies, if you feel you cant do that try grievance counseling.

g/l

LegacyUser

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Perhaps your feelings are a little fragile at the moment given the trauma you've been through. I know you feel as though you're just waiting for someone better but maybe you should give this relationship just a little longer before you give up.

I was in a similar situation with my bf after a fairly traumatic few months in my life. I was unsure at first how I felt and worried constantly that it just didn't seem right. With time, I realised that I was just afraid and a bit emotionally battered - and now we're inseparable. I gave it time and realised that it would have been a HUGE mistake to let him go. He turned out to be the best thing in my life.

If you still feel the same way in a few weeks or a month's time, maybe then let her down gently.

Good luck.

CathyMoran

First of all, my deepest sympathy to you over the loss of your parent. I was in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago, my mother became very ill and the relationship that I was sort of in was very rocky at best but the other person was a total sholder for me during the worst times. What I would say to you is that now is not the time to break up, if that is what you decide to do, at the moment you are too raw emotionally and it is a very foggy time when you can not see things clearly, it would be better to wait until you can start feeling yourself again and know clearly what you want. Please feel free to PM.

LegacyUser

Losing someone can mess with your head and make you question your life. I'd give it time and make sure you know what is the right decision

Chinafoot

Ok so let me get this straight.... you are with a girl that you know you don't love and you are using her as a stop-gap until someone better comes along.
You have lost one of your parents and this girl has been there for you. Despite being sure that she's not for you, you want to keep her because you don't feel able to cope with your loss just yet.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss but that is so unbelievably selfish. You are stringing her along! You know full well that deep down this girl isn't what you want. You need to have some respect for her and break up with her.

I understand that you are going through a hard time but your dependence on her is very unfair when you know that you will leave her should this "someone better" come along.

Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Stop using her.

Who knows, maybe she can still be there for you as a friend.

CathyMoran

You really have to be in the situation to know how it feels, I would be the first to admit that I would have thought the OP selfish had I not been through something similar (give or take, do not want to go into specifics). When you loose a parent (or a parent is seriously ill), your emotions are all over the place, you can not make a valid decision with all this stuff in the foreground, all that you feel is grief and loss and making a major decision at this time is not a good idea. The OP may very well love their partner, or the fact that she has been there for him when he really needed her may make him realise how truely valuable she is, sometimes you can get a bolt from the blue and realise how wonderful someone truely is. Chemistry is all well and good but true love is more than that and sometimes it takes something horrible like this for you to see the wood for the trees. Sorry, not trying to be confrontational, it is just that having been there I have an idea how the OP feels.

Chinafoot

No need to apologise at all. However I still don't agree. The OP has openly said that this girl isn't the one for him. There doesnt appear to be any major decision there. They have been together for 4 months, hardly a lifetime. He is reluctant to let go of the girl that he admits is just there until something better comes along. That to me is selfish.

Yes he is going through a tough time and I may not have lost a parent but I have lost people I've been very close to so I don't think that my opinion can be completely dismissed. He is thinking purely about his own feelings and not hers. Its unfair, no matter what he has been through of late.

She has been there for him during a very difficult time. The least he can do is show her some respect by being honest with her.

LegacyUser

Yeah I definitely wont argue that im being somewhat selfish about the this....I DO care for my girlfriend and I DO love her-im just not IN LOVE with her and therefore know that she wont be the "one" ill spend the rest of my life with......Ive been just going with the flow and trying to enjoy going out together etc as we do actually have good times...

Im not sure if you get the main point of what Im trying to get accross--yes its selfish but I really couldnt handle a break up right now, im not typically a selfish person (you'll just have to take my word for that) but Ive made a point of being a little selfish about it because for once in my life I think ,for my healths sake,I should look after number one--put simply for you-- the past 6 months has been total hell and I know for a fact if I did call it now Itd cause chaos in my life and i just feel this would be like the last straw...

Chinafoot

My point is, you may be going through a hard time but think how she will feel when she finds out that you're not in love with her and know that it wont last.

A bit of respect would go a long way.

Losing a parent doesnt give you the right to play with the feelings of others.

Be honest with her.

CathyMoran

Goodfella wrote:

Yeah I definitely wont argue that im being somewhat selfish about the this....I DO care for my girlfriend and I DO love her-im just not IN LOVE with her and therefore know that she wont be the "one" ill spend the rest of my life with......Ive been just going with the flow and trying to enjoy going out together etc as we do actually have good times...

Im not sure if you get the main point of what Im trying to get accross--yes its selfish but I really couldnt handle a break up right now, im not typically a selfish person (you'll just have to take my word for that) but Ive made a point of being a little selfish about it because for once in my life I think ,for my healths sake,I should look after number one--put simply for you-- the past 6 months has been total hell and I know for a fact if I did call it now Itd cause chaos in my life and i just feel this would be like the last straw...

I fully understand that you feel that you can not handle a break up right now - it is hard enough to keep it together at this time. On the other hand the guilt that you are carrying around is not great either.

With me, I was in the process of breaking off all ties with someone that I had dated on and off for well over 5 years (with a few hickups)...he did not put any pressure on me but was supportive of me during the bad times when my mum was very ill. I am sure that your girlfriend knows the pressure that you are under, she probably knows that you are uncertain about the relationship but is not putting you under pressure. There are very few people who would be heartless to you at a time such as this.

Please get yourself off the guilt hook, accept her support, you may even realise that she is the one after all but even if you do not do not feel bad about getting help at a time when you really need it...I have stayed with someone when times were bad for them knowing very well that the relationship was dying, but I did not want to put pressure on them at a bad time and accepted that the relationship broke up at a later stage, equally I have accepted help at a bad time, though for us in the end we actually got back together (after more speed bumps, touch wood).

kittenkiller

Ouch!
You're in such a sh!tty situation, I don't think you should feel guilty about your girlfriend on top of all of the other things you must be feeling at the moment.

Stay with her for another while (you probably aren't in the process of going out to find someone else at the moment anyway).
Just don't say anything that'll pledge your life to her or anything.

She's a good friend to you & that's what you need at the moment.

When you start feeling in a better emmotional state, reconsider your relationship with her.
You never know, you might start to feel differently about her.

Just don't let guilt get at you. Be selfish for a while.
X

Faith

Sorry to be blunt, but as far as I can see, you're just using this girl as an emotional crutch. You're going through a really tough time right now and she's providing the comfort you need. This isn't fair on her. You need to let her go before things get too far.

AngryBadger

I'm sorry to hear about your bereavement. Putting this as gently as i can, you're doing this girl a grave disservice by continuing to see her.

It's that simple. Saying you can't handle a break-up right now is not on, the longer you stay with her the worse it becomes, and the fact that she was there for you during your loss probably makes her thing you're even closer now.

There's no excuse for you allowing this to continue. Tell her the truth, she deserves it.

LegacyUser

I do realise that im not the first or only person to have gone through what i have but i do honestly believe that people who have exp such grief like i have the past year with my mother(cancer) and recently especially, would be more in tune with where im coming from..

I understand with whoever said it was no excuse, and also that i am being selfish..ive already admitted to this but i personally can live with it for now...ive had break ups before ,which are of course never easy, where i knew the right thing to do was just have the balls to tell her straight where she stood and what was going to happen and did so ,but it really really really really isnt as simple as that right now ..maybe i just cant put it into words properly or maybe you just need to be in my shoes to understand

misswex

So sorry to hear about your loss, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through but you can't keep going out with this girl as you feel you wouldn't be able to cope.

I keep thinking if it was me in the girls position and I think that you are doing her a great harm by using her like this.

As AB said, she probably does think that ye two are much closer as ye have gone through this terrible loss together.

She sounds like a lovely person, a person who deserves to be with someone who thinks the same of her as she does of them.

Its never going to be a good time to tell her but for her sake, sooner would be better than later.

AngryBadger

Ultimately if this continues she is going to get hurt, and get hurt very badly. It's that simple. I'm sorry, but your recent bereavement doesn't excuse that.

Conversely, if you say it to her, she should be understanding enough to just walk away, knowing about your recent loss.

LegacyUser

Just from the tone of your message Its clear some of you dont understand--id like to end this thread now cause its beginning to upset me-not because im reading what i dont want to hear but because of the way in which some of the advice is being dished out...please if you have anything in any way "not nice" to say to me dont bother as I wont be able to help myself from reading this again to be honest!

claire_dublin

Goodfella if you are feeling this way now your relationship is not going to last. You have to be honest and tell her, dont drag her along and then ditch her at the last minute. Be honest, you will be thankful you did!!

LegacyUser

k. Here's my 2 cents.

Firstly, a lot of people are only together because it is better than being single. You have someone there for you and you can relax from the whole dating scene for a while.

Secondly, it doesn't really sound to me from your post that you particularly want to break up with her. Maybe you're just being overly sympathetic about her towards the end of your post, however that's just what I gathered.

Thirdly, from the sounds of it you're in a dip as regards emotional status. Breaking up with her mightn't be the best idea because once the weekend rolls around you might find yourself in a terribly lonely state, wishing that you hadn't ended it. You don't know what you got till it's gone etc.

The one bad part of staying with her is that this girl must be quite into you. Maybe that's what's pushing you away from her. We've all been in relationships where the partner is no challenge whatsoever and is there for you 24/7, and that can really put people off. It's usually in these relationships where you end up regretting ending it a few weeks later when you see the girl off with her new bf. But then I've had it happen where I've gotten back with the person at a later stage, only to quickly fall into the same old rut.

If the girl is terribly into you, then I'd advise against staying with her if you plan on dumping her as soon as 'ms right' comes along, because you should be decent to her after she helped you through the passing of your parent. However if you feel that you will be happier in the relationship, then you might as well just roll with it. You can always end it at a later stage.

tbh

goodfella - the truth is, you're not in a position to make this decision at the moment. maybe tell your girlfriend how you feel, and let her make the decision to stick or twist for herself? you have my sympathies, hope things seem better soon mate.

justsomebloke

You came to this forum looking for people to tell you what you doing is fine, however the problem is that what you are doing isn't fine. I know you have lost the 2 most important people in your life recently but you are stringing somebody along who is putting there all into a realtionship that they think is there however you know it isn't. How do you think she would feel that you are only going out with her to help you get thorugh this period and that if wither someone else comes along or when you start to get through this period of grieving that she is going to be dumped.

You should tell this girl the truth, you maybe suprised as she would probably stick around to help you through this, however at least she would know where she stud.

Sleepy

Break up with the girl and replace her with a therapist. It's a counsellor's job to provide an emotional crutch, it's not some poor girl who happens to be in love with you's.

Rockstar*

Just read thread,Have a lot of sympathy for you mate but the best bit of advice seems to be here already, you must find the strength to tell her how you feel,she might even understand or felt it coming. pm me if you like i was in a not too disimilar situation

best of luck

neuro-praxis

Leave her before you destroy her. She is busy investing in you while you are busy investing in yourself.

Don't drag her into your unhappiness. Deal with your grief with integrity.

edanto

I'd agree with what cathymoran was saying about your love-ometer being a bit screwy right now. But if you don't feel like you love her enough to be with her, you have to tell her - not us.

Can I ask you why you're sure that this girl will not be the one you spend the rest of your life with? What about the next few months?

Remember that you don't have to be sure about things right now. It's fine for you to say to her that your head is a bit messed up right now, you explain how you feel and that you're not sure about the relationship with her. Depending on how she feels about you, she might call around less often, but it might not have to be as drastic as breaking up in a horrible mess without explaining things. She might ask you if it's anything to do with what happened at Christmas and tell you that she really wants to be with you forever and not to worry about losing her.

Of course, as soon as you mention it, she might say that it's been on her mind as well and she'd really rather just be friends - how would that feel?

My sympathies on your loss; because of the stress of it though, be careful to talk through all your decisions with the people they affect. All the best.