A minor betrayal or nothing to worry about?

LegacyUser

Hi folks! I have a small personal issue compared to some of the other issues I have seen here in the past.

I was out with my girlfriend (of two months) and her friend on Friday night. We are all in our mid twenties. We were sitting at a table with our coats and bags etc and the girls wanted to go to the dance floor to dance. I said no problem ill stay and mind our stuff.

They had been gone a while so I asked the bouncer, who was very close to us at the time to keep an eye on our stuff for a short while. I made my way to the dance floor to find both of them dancing with guys. My girlfriend was dancing very closely with one of the guys and when she saw me, she came straight over to me and tried to get me dancing.

I told her I had to go back to our table and left her on the dance floor. I was pretty pissed off but I didn’t really show it. She followed me a few minutes later and stayed with me for the rest of the night. We haven’t spoken about it since.

Ok, so here’s the issue. I have been badly hurt in the past by an ex-girlfriend cheating on me. Seeing my current girlfriend (who I care for very much) dancing intimately with another bloke really really bothered me. And it wasn’t a case of him dancing with her and her trying to get away from him, it was very much a case of taking two to tango. He was “grinding” her (taken from another thread!!), and she seemed to have no problem with it at all.

Am I worrying about nothing here? Is this an indication that she may cheat on me in the future?

Furthermore, I haven’t spoken to her about this. Should I? Should I tell her how it made me feel, and tell her about my ex? I know this is probably the right thing to do but the relationship is young and I don’t want to turn this into a big deal if its not.

Your thoughts??

Beruthiel

at the very least, I would consider it exceedingly rude of her to have just left you there by yourself minding the gear while she's off dancing with someone else and not giving you a second thought...

AngryBadger

Beruthiel wrote:

at the very least, I would consider it exceedingly rude of her to have just left you there by yourself minding the gear while she's off dancing with someone else and not giving you a second thought...

yeppers

ravenhead

You really should talk to her about this, you should let her know about your ex & that you're not the type of guy that will put up with that kind of stuff, & to echo what's been said already I'd be a little concerned that she didn't give you a second thought & left you to go out dancing for so long that you felt you had to go looking for her.. My current b/f used to do this to me quite a lot & it really started to cause alot of arguements. You're better off talking to her about it.

Ickle Magoo

I would worry that if she is happy to "grind" while you are there - what would she be happy to do if you weren't?! Call me old fashioned but I don't do dirty dancing with any man other than my husband, or male friends - and only then in his company & while a little under the influence....

It's just not a nice thing to do & I think you have to sit down and discuss it with her.....you haven't been going out long but you are still allowed to request some basic boundaries such as not gyrating with another man while you mind her handbag.....best of luck

Samhildanach

I think she may have felt safe that you wouldn't see her dancing with that guy as she had left you to mind the bags! How selfish of her. The fact that she came after you suggests that she felt guilty and knew she did wrong. She definitely didn't respect your feelings. I'd make it very clear to her that she was out of order and that you're not happy to be played for a fool. I'd suggest that you talk it out with her and tell her how you feel. If she is inconsiderate and does it again I'd look for another girlfriend.

The Gecko

This is all about trust:

1) Do you trust her enough to listen to your concerns and understand that your feelings have been hurt without her flipping the lid and getting into massive row?

2) Do you trust her to dance with another guy and have some fun and leave it at that?

3) Do you trust yourself to be in a relationship with someone who may be a little flirtatious and understand the difference between fun and betrayal?

I am in a long-term relationship so my view may be out of kilter with the reality of being in a new relationship that is still building trust. Although we haven’t laid down the rules in black and white with regards to dancing with other people it goes something like this:

If my partner is dancing with a guy and isn’t looking at me with eyes that say get this nutball away from me then all is well because I trust that she isn’t gonna do anything to hurt me and she is comfortable that the guy isnt going to try grope her - If he did he would get an earful.

If I am dancing with another girl as long as my hands dont drift to ass and tats then that’s fine grinding ass to crotch is most likely acceptable if an R&B song dictates that is the way to dance - if I was doing this to the Pogues or a slow song then I deserve to be in trouble.

So if you trust her to understand your feelings, and trust the relationship is strong enough to have a mature discussion without all hell breaking lose and you trust yourself not to be jealous at every little flirtatious action that takes place. Then talk to her about it.

If you feel you can’t raise the issue then you don’t trust her and its doomed to failure.

Best of luck
The gecko

LegacyUser

I agree with the earlier poster - if she'll do that while you're there what would she do when you're not. By the way you told the story it sounds like she didn't even try to apologise or explain even though she knows she was caught red handed. Do you know anything about her history previous to your relationship? What does your gut tell you? Always trust it no matter what anybody else tells you, it will never let you down.

Good luck.

Seraphina

tbh, it was rude of her to leave you minding the stuff, but i dont really see anything wrong with it.
to most girls, dancing is just fun, its not the dirty overly sexual act all guys seem to see it as. i would do the same if i was in the mood. i'd be much happier to dance with my man, but he wouldn't be caught dead dancing, so thats not gonna happen.
i wouldnt see dancing closely with another guy as any kind of indication that she's going to cheat on you, unless she was letting him put his hands all over her (thats where'd i'd draw the line and walk away myself)

LundiMardi

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I would worry that if she is happy to "grind" while you are there - what would she be happy to do if you weren't?! Call me old fashioned but I don't do dirty dancing with any man other than my husband, or male friends - and only then in his company & while a little under the influence....

It's just not a nice thing to do & I think you have to sit down and discuss it with her.....you haven't been going out long but you are still allowed to request some basic boundaries such as not gyrating with another man while you mind her handbag.....best of luck

as much as i hate to admit it, i agree with all the above..

If i'm out with my girlfriend, my focus is on her, put the shoe on the other foot, how would she have felt seeing you do the bump n grind with another woman, not very happy..

She completely neglected you and that pisses me off!! (not your situation inparticular but how people can be so selfish)

chump

I dunno... I'd be inclinded towards the pished off if my girl was dancing 'durty' with some random bloke while I was minding her and her pals bag. I definetely give her a bit of lip service.

sportswear

to me its clear what is going on.



imagine yourself alone on a dancefloor . she is somewhere else and there is a pretty girl who wants to dance up close to you but you know that you like your bird so will not kiss her, so it doesn't matter cos this is just dancing for the laugh and really you like your bird and want to stay with her.

obviously she not going to touch the other lad. you still look at other girls and think they are pretty, and yet you wouldn't kiss them- why can't she.

girls love to have attention paid to them, even just to tease lads a bit,
this gives them confidence.

the fact that she lost interest in him when you showed up says a lot.

mezzdon

Oh my god relax, you need to trust your girlfriend and if you cant even take her dancing with someone you should not be in a relationship. The minute she saw you she stopped and went with you. Your acting very immature, she could have just continued not giving a **** what you thought. But being decent she stopped and went to dance with you.

And do not tell her about the ex and your insecuritites these are the past and that is where they belong! Get over this and appreciate you have a great girlfriend!

[Jackass]

Man, being out with (female) friends or just seeing girls you don't even know on the dance floor, you see all the time grinding up against guys, flirting and just having a laugh...9/10 it means fu*k all, just dancing the night away!

The fact that she came straight after you and stayed with you all night shows she was just having a laugh and felt bad when you went back to seats...I honestly wouldn't worry about it one bit!

But I see where you're coming from, and if something like this bothers you, I'd leave it until the relationship is a bit older/secure or whatever, and if she dose again a couple of times (still no big deal btw) just say to her sometimes it bothers you to see her dance with other guys, say I don't know if you've ever been cheated on before (she probably has), but it feels sh*t to see it sometimes...that way you're not telling her to do anything, but helping her see it from your perspective, plus you don't have to go into all the stuff about your past relationship.

py2006

mezzdon wrote:

Oh my god relax, you need to trust your girlfriend and if you cant even take her dancing with someone you should not be in a relationship. The minute she saw you she stopped and went with you. Your acting very immature, she could have just continued not giving a **** what you thought. But being decent she stopped and went to dance with you.

And do not tell her about the ex and your insecuritites these are the past and that is where they belong! Get over this and appreciate you have a great girlfriend!

Woooooooooooooo! Hold on a second here! The guy was left alone to mind her bag. He goes looking for her and finds her dancing intimately with another guy! She runs back to him because she was shocked at being caught!

The original poster is NOT being "immature". Its the natural reaction most people would have to finding there partne dancing seductively with somebody else.

The fact that she ran straight to the bf means she felt guilty about it!

Am I right in saying your a woman?????

If a girl was left sitting alone in a club while her boyfriend was off dirty dancing with another girl you know what would be said here!

To the OP, I wouldn't bring up the previous gf who cheated on you! That would make your current gf feel like your expecting her to cheat etc!

She probably has no intention and obviously sees nothing wrong with what she did. Although she probably saw the expression of hurt on your face and probably will not do it again.

Chinafoot

I'm with Seraphina on this one. Dancing is a laugh. She knew you were there and was most likely just flirting. If it bothers you so much then have a chat with her.

Also, don't judge your current relationship on your past relationship. So ya got hurt by a cheater. Most people have. That doesnt mean that every woman you come across is going to do the same thing.

It sounds like this whole thing has more to do with your distrust than her behaviour.

Ickle Magoo

I've not been cheated on (that I know!) & so have no issues regarding the matter but if my boyfriend left me sitting minding his pint for so long that I went out searching for him & found him grinding up against another girl....I'd be more than annoyed.....wonder what the advice would be if I posted he had done that - slightly different to some of the girls advice here, I'd warant!

Of course nobody died & if you are quite happy with your partner touching & gyrating with random people of the opposite sex on the dancefloor, then happy days...but surely she could have gone out for a night with the girls & done that, rather than leaving her fella sitting feeling like a right lemon guarding her bag - do you not think he'd rather have been up on the dancefloor rubbing up against a nice looking girl?!

chump

peachypants wrote:

It sounds like this whole thing has more to do with your distrust than her behaviour.

I can't believe people are saying they don't have a problem with this...

I often wonder how things on here fail to reflect real life so much...

I don't know anyone, that would not be annoyed, if they caught their other half grinding with a randomer while they were minding their jacket.

Whatever about
dancing with a randomer
dancing with a group of randomers
dancing with a pal

but grinding with a randomer while you were minding their bag.

seamus

Depends on what the definition here is of "grinding". I have images here of crotch rubbing against person, so if that's the case then I'd be pretty pissed off too if she was happy to let that happen.

It's probably something that you need to mention, in a "Listen, I was a bit pissed off on Saturday....", way. It'll probably cause an argument because you left it so long, but each argument breaks or solidifies a relationship, so they're worth having.

My lady is fond of her dancing too, and can only manage to drag me up with a few pints on me, or if she flutters the eyelids, but she'd rarely be happy to leave me sitting on my own unless I really insisted. Or unless I was the kind of guy who'd have craic on his own (strike up a conversation with the guy at the next table), which I'm not

kaimera

peachypants wrote:

She knew you were there and was most likely just flirting.

Which isn't right tbqh.
Again, he's left holding the bags and she's out flirting yet he's the one overreacting when he catches her so to speak?
C'mon, the girl done wrong. She shouldn't have been out on the floor with another guy when her own perfectly good boyfriend was there.

Angels

seems to me like that she loves to flirt alot on the dancefloor. You need to say it to her about this or else you'll end up hating her for it, don't leave this boil inside u!!

Red Alert

i'd be naturally quite flirty (i'm a guy for those who don't know me) myself on dancefloors with female friends, many of whom would be as flirty / flirtier than i am. never had a problem with my ex- dancing with her mates or randomers either. you shouldn't be letting it bother you - do you worry what she does when you're not there?

py2006

Ickle Magoo wrote:

I've not been cheated on (that I know!) & so have no issues regarding the matter but if my boyfriend left me sitting minding his pint for so long that I went out searching for him & found him grinding up against another girl....I'd be more than annoyed.....wonder what the advice would be if I posted he had done that - slightly different to some of the girls advice here, I'd warant!

Exactly, some of the responses women give men here on Personal Issues is absolutely astounding! Its usually a "shut up and get over yourself" response!

Yet if the roles were reversed in this particular situation, They would be really pissed off themselves! Even if it is harmless!

Ickle Magoo

py2006 wrote:

Exactly, some of the responses women give men here on Personal Issues is absolutely astounding! Its usually a "shut up and get over yourself" response!

Yet if the roles were reversed in this particular situation, They would be really pissed off themselves! Even if it is harmless!

Are you on a personal mission to quote every post I make & comment on it or what?! I think this the third one I've clicked on this AM alone!! :eek: But, unusually enough, I agree with you completely on this one!!

py2006

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Are you on a personal mission to quote every post I make & comment on it or what?! I think this the third one I've clicked on this AM alone!! :eek: But, unusually enough, I agree with you completely on this one!!

Just a coincidence!