mother discourages child access.

pj9999

My ex girlfriend and I were only together for a v short time, and since our son (now 6) was v young, she has been married to another man (who son considers his dad). Ex is v bitter with me, and has genuine reason to be (long story).

I live a 10hr drive from her, but over the years have been traveling to see son as often as possible. Get on well with son, but this bothers ex, and I know she's been trying to make him think it's disloyal if he wants to see me. Last visit he wouldn't see me, almost certainly cos he knew how much she didn't want this to happen.

Ex and I don't speak apart from thro lawyers (court orders are worth little I've found, if child refuses to take part in visits).
At this stage I plan to write to ex, but unless it's something good I doubt if it'll be of any interest to her. I think it's unlikely that appealing to her sympathetic side will get me anywhere, though I suspect she won't want to look too unreasonable in her husband's eyes. (I don't think he hates me as much as she does).

Rather than appealing to her sympathetic side, it's probably better to appeal to her self interest. Something like, if she discourages son from seeing me, then he's going to realize this when he grows up, and will respect her less.

My letter to her starts like this...

I'm writing to ask if there's any chance that you'd let me see xxxxx over the next few days (i'll be around til...).
I know he won't want to see me if he knows that it'd upset you, so I guess I'm asking that you let him know that it's really "ok" to see me.
I know how little you think of me and I doubt if you care how hard it is for me never seeing him (it's a bit like living in a constant state of bereavement for what it's worth)...

...(that last bit is true incidentally)...but like I say I'm not sure it's going to have any effect, and not sure where to take it from there.

Quite a lot more to this tragedy naturally.., but from what I've said, is a letter like this going to work? Is there anything else I can say to her that might help?

Really appreciate any constructive opinions.

Many Thanks
PJ

tbh

pj - its almost impossible to know what to say without knowing what happened before. For example, if you were drinking loads and being abusive (obviously, I'm not saying that you were, this is just a for example) then its probably in your childs best interests to have a bit of stability with his mother for a bit, and you can try to repair things when he's older. FWIW, I think the letter you are proposing sounds reasonable, but I don't know why his mother doesn't want you around.


edit: leave out this bit: " I doubt if you care how hard it is for me never seeing him ". Stick with the facts and be as objective as possible.

Nuttzz

emotional blackmail is never a good idea and that what this sounds like.

if you make the child feel uncomfortable then are visits really a good idea?

Ickle Magoo

OP,

It's not fair that you are not getting to see your son but without knowing why your ex encourages your son to stay away from you, then I can't comment on whether she is wrong to do so.....

Your letter seems like a bad idea to me....I think you have to stick to the courts & demand your rights to access - any problems with getting access then you need to contact your solicitor again.....if your ex feels strongly enough that she is actively discouraging your son from seeing you X yrs after the event then I don't think a bleeding heart or begging letter will do you much good....

Why not post this on the parenting board? There are a few fathers on there that have been through or are going through similar - they may be able to offer better advice or at least some empathy & support.....best of luck

Sleepy

Use the first two lines and leave out the last bit.

"I doubt if you care how hard it is for me never seeing him" is projecting negatives onto your ex and is only going to piss her off. Trying to manipulate her or 'appeal to her self-interest' is only going to make her dig in, you really are better off trying to appeal to her sense of what's best for your son.