Right or wrong

IrishMinx · 07-03-2006 10:34am #1

First time posting so forgive me if I ramble!

General jist. Boyfriend of two and a half years travels around the country installing new computer programmes for businesses but stays for a two weeks after each installation for support.

Deals with the HR dept in each business, who rightly so should have his mobile number to contact him should any problems arise.

Yesterday one of the girls in the office (ordinary member of staff) he was in texts him out of the blue, on his day off to say she was having pc problems. He was due back this morning and couldnt help her due to being off.

Conversation was that he would check it out today but in the meantime she could report the issue to the head office support, who if needs be could send another support staff out to help.

So she continues to text him, complaining about her manager etc.

I got really annoyed, one because in my opinion she shouldnt have his mobile number, two she should have gone to her HR contact and reported the issue properly and three he isnt her best friend suddenly, he works there and has a job to do and its not listen to her ranting about her boss.

When I said it to my boyfriend, he said he totally agreed with me that she shouldnt have his number but continued to reply. I am not talking about one or two texts but continuous for about a half an hour.

This then turned into a row where he accused me of giving him unnecessary grief that she was just being nice!

I know that part of his job is dealing with new people and Im not usually a jealous person but in my opinion if a girl texts someone she doesnt know for a "chat" surely it cant be as innocent as that.

Please advise, did I give him a hard time and should apologise or am I correct in thinking this girl has an agenda?

I would appreciate your advice.

Sleepy · 07-03-2006 10:38am

You're being unreasonable.

He can't just text back "Fvck off, I'm on my day off" or pointedly ignore her texts if she's a customer.

jhegarty · 07-03-2006 10:41am

your out of line... do you think he likes supporting her on his day off ?

unless you want him to quit his job he will have to put up with this sh*t.... if you want to support him I am sure he can quit and be a kept man...

R-KEANE · 07-03-2006 10:41am

I think you may be right about her intentions but not necessarily his. He has a duty to keep up his professional relationship with people. If it was continuous enough for him to reply immediately to every text and then fill up his phone in the space of an hour, then he should do the right thing and tell heer 'gotta run, i'll talk to you later'.

Lux23 · 07-03-2006 10:44am

You are so out of line but I can understand why you would react like that. Just say sorry and forget about it. If it was a guy doing would you be as bothered?

LegacyUser · 07-03-2006 10:51am

Lux23 wrote:

If it was a guy doing would you be as bothered?

Key point.

Ickle Magoo · 07-03-2006 10:51am

Bit of both IMO.....you shouldn't have gotten so riled, he has to remain professional even on his days off but perhaps you wouldn't have gotten so riled if he had messaged back saying it was his day off & he'd help her on Tues if she hadn't found another IT man by then, goodbye....and then ignored her texts....

I don't think you gave him all unecessary grief - I'm sure he wouldn't be too amused if you & a male colleague threw texts back & forward for half an hr when you were supposed to be spending quality time with him - but on the other hand it's not his fault if someone has pooched his phone number or is texting him out-of-hrs about non-business related issues....

Maybe appologise for loosing the head but explain why you got so annoyed & how he could have avoided that by puting a stop to the messaging....if he has any sense he'll acknowledge his part in proceedings & appologise for them....best of luck

R-KEANE · 07-03-2006 10:52am

bruachain wrote:

Key point.

would he be texting back if it was male? another key point

Oriel · 07-03-2006 10:54am

Yep. You're being unreasonable and mainly because it's a female.

jhegarty · 07-03-2006 10:57am

Ickle Magoo wrote:

and then ignored her texts....

and then he is dragged up infront of his boss on monday for ignoring a customer....

Beruthiel · 07-03-2006 11:00am

jhegarty wrote:

and then he is dragged up infront of his boss on monday for ignoring a customer....

if he is on a day off then this would never happen in a professional company.

your b/f could have just texted that he was on his day off, most people would respect that.

Ickle Magoo · 07-03-2006 11:01am

jhegarty wrote:

and then he is dragged up infront of his boss on monday for ignoring a customer....

It's his day off - she is bitching about her boss - he has the proof on his phone - do you really think she is going to complain about him?!

As my post said he could easily have said "It's my day off - I will help you Tues if I can, goodbye" - polite but giving a clear message....she was no longer asking for him in a professional capacity, he has the right to tell her to speak to him when he is working!

BeardyGit · 07-03-2006 11:06am

Yeah, way out of line. I've been in your boyfriends situation and believe it or not, working on the road can be quite lonely. You make friends where you can, be they work colleagues back in the office or customers. I can understand that might not sit well with you but it really can't be helped.

If he's friends with this girl, he can't just tell her to sod off - Just leave him be when he's dealing with work/colleagues/friends. It's his business I guess and if he's not hiding anything from you, why do you care? I'm assuming he wasn't terribly stressed about it himself and would guess any tension would be related to you going off on one. That was ALWAYS the case with my girlfriend at the time I was doing this type of work.

Gil

Ickle Magoo · 07-03-2006 11:10am

OP,

Are they friends? That obviously changes things considerably.....

jhegarty · 07-03-2006 11:10am

Ickle Magoo wrote:

It's his day off - she is bitching about her boss - he has the proof on his phone - do you really think she is going to complain about him?!

As my post said he could easily have said "It's my day off - I will help you Tues if I can, goodbye" - polite but giving a clear message....she was no longer asking for him in a professional capacity, he has the right to tell her to speak to him when he is working!

that might be the case if he never had to deal with customers outside of buinesss hours...

question for the op... does he ever have to deal with customers on his day off (texts/calls) ?

Grimlock · 07-03-2006 11:15am

Lux23 wrote:

If it was a guy doing would you be as bothered?

Excellent point.

I think you are being very unreasonable and you come across as a complete bunny boiler.

You're boyfriend was honest with you and told you it was a girl, the easy thing would have been to lie to you if he knew the green eye monster was gonna break loose.

Even if she was outta bounds contacting him on a day off maybe they are friends and she finds it easier to come to him first.
I think you owe you boyfriend an apology.
And it'd be an idea to tone down the boiler side or you maynot have a boyfriend for very much longer.

Lux23 · 07-03-2006 11:25am

Grimlock wrote:

Excellent point.

I think you are being very unreasonable and you come across as a complete bunny boiler.

Thats a bit harsh, its a normal reaction. I have alot of male friends and boyfriends have always been jealous of that. She was out of line and should apologise but don't go telling her he will dump if she questions him at all!

LegacyUser · 07-03-2006 11:25am

R-KEANE wrote:

would he be texting back if it was male? another key point

Yeah I had thought about that, but I was reluctant to mention it as I didnt want the OP to start getting more worried and then go home to have another mill with him!

Grimlock · 07-03-2006 11:26am

Beruthiel wrote:

if he is on a day off then this would never happen in a professional company.

I disagree, I've worked in companies where a particular customer may get extra treatment, may require overtime/weekend/day off calls.
It's part of workinglife, as long as your company appricates and repays you for your efforts I see nothin unusual or wrong with it.

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Are they friends? That obviously changes things considerably.....

How so? Is he not allowed have female friends?
There may be a number of factors that contributed to her calling him on his day off;
office politics,
she made a mistake and want to fix it quietly,
she does not like other IT ppl,
does not trust to ability of the other IT ppl,
she considers him a friend,
EVEN she fancies him.

In any of the above cases the OP's BF has done NOTHING wrong but he's got an earful from his GF, who imho was well out of order.

Grimlock · 07-03-2006 11:31am

Lux23 wrote:

Thats a bit harsh, its a normal reaction. I have alot of male friends and boyfriends have always been jealous of that. She was out of line and should apologise but don't go telling her he will dump if she questions him at all!

I never said that he would dump her if she questions him at all.

As you questioned, would her reaction have been the same if a male client had texted? I doubt it, and the resulting arguement arouse out of the OP's insecruities.

I've been in relationships where constant questioning and unfounded mistrust and actions like the OP's ruined things. I was just warning her that it's a slippery slope.

el tel · 07-03-2006 11:43am

Quite possibly she fancies him and he fancies her right back.
It happens sometimes. Staying with a company for two weeks
gives ample opportunity to get to know someone and for a fling to ensue.

Lux23 · 07-03-2006 11:46am

Sorry I must have misread you. But the term bunny boiler is a bit harsh in this instance. I doubt she would be posting if she honestly thought she was in the right.

ZiabR · 07-03-2006 11:46am

IrishMinx wrote:

First time posting so forgive me if I ramble!

General jist. Boyfriend of two and a half years travels around the country installing new computer programmes for businesses but stays for a two weeks after each installation for support.

Deals with the HR dept in each business, who rightly so should have his mobile number to contact him should any problems arise.

Yesterday one of the girls in the office (ordinary member of staff) he was in texts him out of the blue, on his day off to say she was having pc problems. He was due back this morning and couldnt help her due to being off.

Conversation was that he would check it out today but in the meantime she could report the issue to the head office support, who if needs be could send another support staff out to help.

So she continues to text him, complaining about her manager etc.

I got really annoyed, one because in my opinion she shouldnt have his mobile number, two she should have gone to her HR contact and reported the issue properly and three he isnt her best friend suddenly, he works there and has a job to do and its not listen to her ranting about her boss.

When I said it to my boyfriend, he said he totally agreed with me that she shouldnt have his number but continued to reply. I am not talking about one or two texts but continuous for about a half an hour.

This then turned into a row where he accused me of giving him unnecessary grief that she was just being nice!

I know that part of his job is dealing with new people and Im not usually a jealous person but in my opinion if a girl texts someone she doesnt know for a "chat" surely it cant be as innocent as that.

Please advise, did I give him a hard time and should apologise or am I correct in thinking this girl has an agenda?

I would appreciate your advice.

Yeah i am sorry but i have to agree with the other posters. You are looking into this too much and after what you have said maybe you should say sorry to him.

koneko · 07-03-2006 11:59am

You're being unreasonable and, despite what you say, it seems like you are a jealous person. You need to get over your insecurities.

I know it can be annoying to have to deal with work stuff on a day off, but a lot of people do that, especially if your job is important or you deal with customers on a daily basis. Turning it into a problem with the relationship is something you are doing to yourself.

LundiMardi · 07-03-2006 12:04pm

haven't read all the replies but yeah you were in the wrong..

1. First of all, if it was a guy texting him you wouldn't have a problem..
2. If it's his job to support the new programmes etc, i'm sure he has it in his contract that should he be needed, then he be needed!
3. How do you know he didn't give this girl his number because of previous problems she'd been having?
4. Even though it was rude of her to text him on his day off, it would be just as rude if he completely ignored her, or sent a text saying, ''sorry, it's my day off, talk to ya tomorrow'', which is basically niceness for ''**** off!!!'', i wouldn't have done it myself either..
5. Lighten up
6. Buy your BF a present. we like presents:)

Although this girls intentions may have been anything other than innocent, doesn't mean the feelings mutual.

IrishMinx · 07-03-2006 12:04pm

JHegarty, no he never has to deal with customers on his day off, the head office is the contact for support which the correct people know, this girl not on the level he has to deal with.

Thats where the issue is, I feel she shouldnt have gotten his number and contacted him.

To the other posters, no they are not friends and even when she did text she had to include her name so he would know who she was.

I do not consider myself a bunny boiler, I do not consider myself insanely jealous but I do care about him, we have a small baby and if I feel under threat, its not just for my own sake but our childs.

I do believe I was wrong up to the point of letting it annoy me but I sometimes feel he was wrong too for not just being professional and advising how this girl could sort her issue.

LundiMardi · 07-03-2006 12:09pm

what if he was having a chat with her? So what? Is your bf not allowed talk to other women?

Again, you don't know if your bf didn't GIVE his no. to this girl, obviously he's not going to admit that to you when you act like this!

Again, if it was a man there would be no issue.

Untense · 07-03-2006 12:18pm

originally posted by IrishMinx
Please advise, did I give him a hard time and should apologise or am I correct in thinking this girl has an agenda?

Yes, you should definitely apologise to him. But yes, you are very probably right in thinking this girl has an agenda.
You are wrong to try control your boyfriends contact with the girl, even if carrying on could possibly result in him cheating.

You've voiced your opinion, letting him know how you stand in the matter. Now apologise and make an honest effort to drop it. If he senses you just cannot trust him, the whole relationship is no more good anyway, whether he cheats or not.

R-KEANE · 07-03-2006 12:38pm

I think that if you havent acted in a jealous way to him before than you have nothing to be worried about. He should really be reassured that your relationship is quite strong from your end anyway. If you are known to behave like that then you risk losing him by pushing him away. I think he's got to see your point of view here. If he is a good lookin guy then she probably fancies him. If she is good lookign then you are rigth to be concerned. A male and female 'friendship' is never only that.

LundiMardi · 07-03-2006 12:41pm

R-KEANE wrote:

I think that if you havent acted in a jealous way to him before than you have nothing to be worried about. He should really be reassured that your relationship is quite strong from your end anyway. If you are known to behave like that then you risk losing him by pushing him away. I think he's got to see your point of view here. If he is a good lookin guy then she probably fancies him. If she is good lookign then you are rigth to be concerned. A male and female 'friendship' is never only that.

utter ****e, that last part i mean:)

R-KEANE · 07-03-2006 12:43pm

LundiMardi wrote:

utter ****e, that last part i mean:)

i'll be more specific then. A good looking guy and a good looking girl can never be just friends over a period of time. Something will happen.

Lux23 · 07-03-2006 12:47pm

Maybe hes ugly then.

Ickle Magoo · 07-03-2006 12:48pm

Grimlock wrote:

How so? Is he not allowed have female friends?
There may be a number of factors that contributed to her calling him on his day off;
office politics,
she made a mistake and want to fix it quietly,
she does not like other IT ppl,
does not trust to ability of the other IT ppl,
she considers him a friend,
EVEN she fancies him.

In any of the above cases the OP's BF has done NOTHING wrong but he's got an earful from his GF, who imho was well out of order.

Of course he can have female friends - that's my point - if it was a friend then it would be quite normal to have a long text talk with them.....but if this was some random female at work who A) shouldn't have his number &

knows not to call him on his day off then he doesn't really know her from Adam but she is obviously flirting with him & he responded....so, damn right he's done something wrong!!

Put the boot on the other foot lads, if it was the new IT guy calling your bird on her day off & she went on to have a texting marathon with him in your company - you'd be absolutely fine with that? Not think even if it's innocent, it's slightly rude?!

koneko · 07-03-2006 12:59pm

IrishMinx wrote:

I do not consider myself a bunny boiler, I do not consider myself insanely jealous but I do care about him, we have a small baby and if I feel under threat, its not just for my own sake but our childs.

The only thing you've under threat from, imho, is your own jealousy and insecurities. If you let every tiny little thing worry you this much, you are going to damage your own relationship with him, and eventually maybe even drive him away (and not because you were right, but because you caused it).

Talk to him, let him know why you were upset, and get it all out in the open. Don't give out to him, don't get accusational, don't fight, don't get angry with him, just discuss it in a mature and open manner and resolve it now before you let it fester even more, and explain why you were upset and if I were you I'd apologise aswell and explain why you were reacting that way.

Lux23 · 07-03-2006 1:14pm

koneko wrote:

The only thing you've under threat from, imho, is your own jealousy and insecurities. If you let every tiny little thing worry you this much, you are going to damage your own relationship with him, and eventually maybe even drive him away (and not because you were right, but because you caused it).

Talk to him, let him know why you were upset, and get it all out in the open. Don't give out to him, don't get accusational, don't fight, don't get angry with him, just discuss it in a mature and open manner and resolve it now before you let it fester even more, and explain why you were upset and if I were you I'd apologise aswell and explain why you were reacting that way.

I think that is really good advice, hard to stick to though.

koneko · 07-03-2006 1:20pm

True, but as Michael Caine said in "The Weatherman":
"The hard thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing"

Citizen Jake · 07-03-2006 5:09pm

Er, no one asked this but what were you doing reading his text messages? :eek: I agree with most, can't ignore a customer. He also could have said he was on a day off and referred the matter to a colleague or something. J

OrangeOranges · 07-03-2006 6:26pm

I know that part of his job is dealing with new people

Bingo!!

Honestly grow up a little. The man's doing his job.

cupsoftea · 07-03-2006 9:07pm

Her boyfriend travels around the country and stays away from home for nights and nights at a time while she is at home with his baby on her own and he comes home and spends 30 mins having a text conversation with a woman she doesn't know.
I think the woman is allowed to feel jealous. I do not think this is as unreasonable as everyone else feels it is.
If it was work related and important he would surely have rang back and had a five minute conversation to explain very politely he was away from the office for the day and couldn't help instead of continuing to text.
Perhaps she is a friendly face in a lonely job, but it doesn't really sound work related per se.

Angels · 07-03-2006 9:25pm

On his days off can he not turn off his work mobile?? And maybe get another mobile to use on his days off. My boyfriend does this & turns off the work mobile on his days off so he won't get hassled like your boyfriend does??

Simple idea & it works, it would probably make u less stressed then.

py2006 · 08-03-2006 12:11am

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Of course he can have female friends - that's my point - if it was a friend then it would be quite normal to have a long text talk with them.....but if this was some random female at work who A) shouldn't have his number & knows not to call him on his day off then he doesn't really know her from Adam but she is obviously flirting with him & he responded....so, damn right he's done something wrong!!

Put the boot on the other foot lads, if it was the new IT guy calling your bird on her day off & she went on to have a texting marathon with him in your company - you'd be absolutely fine with that? Not think even if it's innocent, it's slightly rude?!

Ah go on out of that for god sake! Thats ridiculous!

There is nothing to suggest that he was flirting with her! He probably felt he had to respond and to be professional! He could have got the wrap over the knuckles if the told her to "feck off, its my day off and my jealous gf thinks your a bitch".

Ickle Magoo · 08-03-2006 10:27am

py2006 wrote:

Ah go on out of that for god sake! Thats ridiculous!

There is nothing to suggest that he was flirting with her! He probably felt he had to respond and to be professional! He could have got the wrap over the knuckles if the told her to "feck off, its my day off and my jealous gf thinks your a bitch".

Now that is rediculous!! I don't know what kind of job you do or how you speak to customers but where I come from it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone it is your day off and you cannot help them & then bow out of the conversation....no need for profanities or really OTT immature statements like you suggest above....there is no reason for a half-hour texting sesion to ensue about non-work related issues.....what would be considered unprofessional where I come from, is texting a colleague whose number you shouldn't have, on their day off, to bitch about the management....how could he possibly get his knuckles wrapped for telling her he was busy & couldn't chat?! He had the proof she called him & that it was not work related!

Surely the "it would be unprofessional to do otherwise" argument dies as soon as she stopped talking in a professional capacity?!! I guess if you are both 18 & enjoying a flirty wee relationship then I wouldn't see a problem - but this is a grown man with a family....he behaved like a teenager & not professionally - that's where I see the problem.....:)

R-KEANE · 08-03-2006 10:37am

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Now that is rediculous!! I don't know what kind of job you do or how you speak to customers but where I come from it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone it is your day off and you cannot help them & then bow out of the conversation....no need for profanities or really OTT immature statements like you suggest above....there is no reason for a half-hour texting sesion to ensue about non-work related issues.....what would be considered unprofessional where I come from, is texting a colleague whose number you shouldn't have, on their day off, to bitch about the management....how could he possibly get his knuckles wrapped for telling her he was busy & couldn't chat?! He had the proof she called him & that it was not work related!

Surely the "it would be unprofessional to do otherwise" argument dies as soon as she stopped talking in a professional capacity?!! I guess if you are both 18 & enjoying a flirty wee relationship then I wouldn't see a problem - but this is a grown man with a family....he behaved like a teenager & not professionally - that's where I see the problem.....:)

Yes, there is a way to tell people, but sometimes people feel intimidated by customers. Especially ones that they dont know. I think if it was a regular occurance for the same girl to be texting him all the time every second night then there is a problem. If this is a once off then this issue has probably got way too much attention from this site. If he gets this type of thing alot from several customers then he deserves a pay rise, not abuse from his girlfriend.

Ickle Magoo · 08-03-2006 11:06am

R-KEANE wrote:

Yes, there is a way to tell people, but sometimes people feel intimidated by customers. Especially ones that they dont know. I think if it was a regular occurance for the same girl to be texting him all the time every second night then there is a problem. If this is a once off then this issue has probably got way too much attention from this site. If he gets this type of thing alot from several customers then he deserves a pay rise, not abuse from his girlfriend.

Intimidated by a text message?! I'd get laughed out of the office if I sent text messages to clients....if it is business related the professional thing to do is to pick up the phone....if he gets lots of people who shouldn't know his number texting him for chats on his day off he needs to learn to be assertive, if he is too scared to act assertively he doesn't deserve a payrise......or abuse from his g/f.....

jubi lee · 08-03-2006 4:30pm

irish minx.... don't mind them all... something happened with my ex very similar...works around the country etc... he got a similar text...and what do you know, 1 week later i find out he's been seeing her for the past yr!

if it's his day off she should not be texting and if she was bloody professional it would be a phone call and would not be going on about her manager.

if your intuition tells you there's something not quite right, then you probably are correct!

LundiMardi · 08-03-2006 4:56pm

jubi lee wrote:

irish minx.... don't mind them all... something happened with my ex very similar...works around the country etc... he got a similar text...and what do you know, 1 week later i find out he's been seeing her for the past yr!

if it's his day off she should not be texting and if she was bloody professional it would be a phone call and would not be going on about her manager.

if your intuition tells you there's something not quite right, then you probably are correct!

:rolleyes:

Right or wrong

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