Polygamous relationship

LegacyUser

Ok, here's the deal. I've been with a girl now for nearly 18 months. I'm 26 and she's 19. Whereas she's a student still, I've a job and have just recently put down a mortage on a house. We first met at a nightclub, and things started with a one-night stand. I was just after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend so at the time, this suited me as it served as a distraction. Anyway, we both stayed in touch and started texting each other, meeting up and going out. Even at that, it was still a pretty casual relationship since we only ever met at the weekends (she lives away from home during the college week). Usually, it just involved us going out to see a movie, a few drinks with friends, etc.

After six months or so, I came out with her and her college friends (all girls) for a night out. They all got dressed up (or should I say dressed down, would even say slutty, something she'd never dress in in my company), had a couple of drinks. After a few drinks were had I started hearing a few stories about things the girls had done (my girlfriend mentioned she had a 3some once, I never heard that). I brushed it off and shortly after we headed for the club. Once we got in, my girlfriend and her friends started dancing. I'm not really into the whole dancing thing so I sat at a table and watched. Pretty soon, the girlfriend and her friends were all surrounded by a bunch of guys, started off with groping and rubbing against each other, my girlfriend included. She seemed to be enjoying the whole thing, I wasn't the most comfortable though. Got talking to one of the girls and quizzed her a little. Apparently it was a weekly thing what happened. Usually some of the girls would end up going back to the houses of other guys too, my girlfriend included. She thought that I was ok with this since I only usually saw her at the weekend. Heard that and went off looking for my girlfriend. Couldn't find her and texted her. She said that she was staying with a friend for the night and that I was ok to use her room to crash in. Wasn't really sure what to think so I headed home and tried to get some sleep.

Next morning, got a text from her asking me to collect her. Found the house she was staying at, went to the door, a guy answered it, girlfriend comes running out then and hops into the car. Asked her later on what happened and she openly told me that she slept with this man. I asked her if there were others and she said yes. Started to explain that it was unfair of me to expect her to stay just with me since she's still young and wants to have a good time. She did say though that it was wrong of her to go away with another fella while I was there. Said that she'd never do it again.

We agreed that while she was with me, that she'd see no one else and while she was away in college, she was free to do what she liked. The thing is now my feelings for this girl have grown and knowing she's with other men really eats me up. She said that she'll settle down and that I should wait for her. I'm confused, what are my options?

azezil

Dump that zero and get yourself a hero girlfriend! *clicks fingers and bops head side to side* mmmhmmm

jubi lee

it was a casual thing so she's entitled to do and see who she wants...


you either a) tell her how you feel and does she want to get serious...i.e. exclusive so neither of you see other ppl
b) have an open relationship that you both see who you want to (never works if you have real feelings for the person)
c) dump her and find someone who is prepared to be with you and only you..


simple as

Zombrex

What_to_do wrote:

The thing is now my feelings for this girl have grown and knowing she's with other men really eats me up. She said that she'll settle down and that I should wait for her. I'm confused, what are my options?

Sounds like you want a proper relationship with this girl and she wants a f**k buddy (who picks her up from the house of the guy she shags instead of you ... seriously, dude, the word "doormat" springs to mind)

Forget the "wait for me" crap, that is just her trying to get her cake and eat it.

Really I don't see the big delma. You want a relationship, she doesn't. She also seems to have the emotional maturity of a fruit fly (she is only 19 I guess)

So move on .. you could waste your life waiting for her to want a relationship with you

el tel

She's obviously into one-night stands (it's how you started with her) and her brazeness would suggest that there's no mission she'll be a one-man girl in the short to medium term and so settling down is unlikely. IMO Your options would be to i) go along with it and live the ride (so-to-speak & literally)
(ii) move on.

Lux23

If its a casual thing then she is entitled to have fun but doing it while she is with you is just plain rude. She sounds like she is having a great time, fair play to her. Hope you were practising safe sex though!

Nevyn

Sit down and have a talk with her about what you need from the relationship.
If you can't cope with an open relationship then don't have one, if she doesnt want an exclusive relationship then it may well be you will have to see if you can both comprimise or call it a day.

Angels

oh dear, this is not a relationship at all.

How could you stay with her knowing that she goes out during the week & sleeps with other guys. Fair enough is shes young but technially speaking shes not free & single like she thinks shes with u no??

My advice would be to let her go & let her live her sleazy life. You on the other hand need to find someone your own age who wants the same things in life.

Sorry if i sound harsh but you gettin the run around here.

The Corinthian

You're not happy with a polygamous relationship and she's not happy with a monogamous one. As for her eventually changing and settling down with you, there is a chance of that happening, but realistically also 999 chances of it not.

So there's nothing confusing about the whole thing, unless you're in denial or simply dumb as a post.

LegacyUser

ah man, sounds like a girl i know, though not quite as extreme. she's 19 as well, and i'm a few years older. liked this girl to bits and thought she was so sweet then found out that once she started college she started to go mad at the weekends and started sleeping around. even though i heard this i still thought the girl was sweet and deserved a decent guy in her life as so many people just used her for one thing. ive tried getting her to see the light as it were and that i could care for her etc etc but she obviously chose to live one way while young and good looking. sounds an awful lot like your girl and its just a case of leaving be and tryign to find someone else who wants the same as you. even if that means still wanting the first girl if that makes sense.

AngryBadger

Doesn't sounds like ye were ever realy a couple. You mention that it was casual, but you don't mention that the two of you ever agreed you were going out. If you didn't at some point hash that out, then you're out in the cold.

You got into a casual relationship with someone, she can't be blamed for using that to the fullest advantage. If you're not happy with it, then show her the door.

That said, the whole calling you for a lift after she'd ben with someone else....kinda makes her sound like a bitch, and you sound like a fool. Sorry man, I know I'm being harsh, but ffs??? :rolleyes:

Untense

Carrying on this open relationship probably means STD's, Jealousy and Taxi services on your part by the sounds of it.

I was just after breaking up with a long-term girlfriend so at the time, this suited me as it served as a distraction.

Are you enthusiastic about the relationship? It doesn't sound like it.

At least she was honest and up front enough about everything. Perhaps you should find someone less 'free spirited' and avoid putting your pride on the line in some ridiculous jealousy circle.

Beruthiel

What_to_do wrote:

She said that she was staying with a friend for the night and that I was ok to use her room to crash in.

so even though she was out with her 'boyfriend' for the night, she leaves you stranded so she can go off and shag someone else.
Dump her and move on.
yes, it will hurt, but not half as much as staying with her will, she's 19 and not going to change anytime soon.

Sherlock

If it was me I'd have left her with the other guy and got him to organise her way home. After all he took her home and had all the fun, least he could do is get her home. She could have spent the night with you but decided she'd have a better time with some random stranger. Let her have her fun but run a mile from her asap.

Sherlock

One other thing for the OP, says they've been together for 18 months and then goes on to say the nightclub incident happened after 6 months. Does this mean it happened a year ago and hes still with her?

kerrymaid

totally shocked that she rang you to pick her up like there wasn't a thing in the world wrong with it? She mustn't like you enough to respect you and maybe you're leaving yourself open to be disrespected in the future. One person always seems to like the other more in most relationships and I think you maybe like and respect her more than she likes you...she'l abuse this fact if you're a pushover.
Meet someone else - toxic situation

misswex

I can't believe that she asked you on a night out and then left you to go shag some random guy and then called you in the morning to pick her up.

That is seriously out of line and you don't deserve to be a doormat so I think that before you get yourself deeper involved you should break contact and find somebody else.

The Corinthian

misswex wrote:

I can't believe that she asked you on a night out and then left you to go shag some random guy and then called you in the morning to pick her up.

That's actually a good point I overlooked. Even in polygamous / polyamorous / fsckbuddy-type relationships there are rules about this sort of thing.

That is seriously out of line and you don't deserve to be a doormat so I think that before you get yourself deeper involved you should break contact and find somebody else.

Perhaps he does deserve to be a doormat. Some people get off on being victims and are miserable when they can't be seen to be unhappy. You get all sorts.

*Oul_Doll_Cork*

I'm sorry but this girl sounds to me like a complete slapper!! She went off with another guy while you were visiting her???????? Casual relationship or not, this girl really sounds like she is taking advantage of you! If it were me I would move on even though you have feelings for her you will be much better off in the long run!!

alfa147

Sorry man but i kind of found the last bit of that story funny... R u joking me?

Get rid of her, shes a slag if she thinks she can sleep with other blokes and ud be cool with it. Im 25 now and id never go for anyone less that 21, its a pain in the ass as they want different things and are immature.

Don't be played by a teen, u know what u have to do.

LegacyUser

is your name mat by any chance?

Dragan

What_to_do wrote:

The thing is now my feelings for this girl have grown and knowing she's with other men really eats me up. She said that she'll settle down and that I should wait for her. I'm confused, what are my options?

Is this really the case of is it just some jealousy and bitterness in the back of your mind that any given weekday some dude might just be jaunting your girlfriend????

I suggest you come to that decision and if the answer is , i really like her, tell her and see what she says.

If the answer is "I am a little jealous" either get over it or end the relationship.

super_furry

You need to drop her like a dose of the ****s. If you've been seeing her for 18 months and she's riding random strangers behind you back then the relationship has no future at all. The fact that she has the check to call you and get you to pick her up from her latest conquest shows just how little she thinks about you.

Ickle Magoo

Some people think that polygamy & relationships are compatible - some think it's a contradition in terms....if you fall into the latter category then you need to finish with this girl & find someone to have a traditional one-to-one relationship with......

Do you know this girl is insisting these lads wear condoms & so on? That is the other risk, of course.....and using you as a taxi to pick her up from the door of her latest conquest is unbelievable!! :eek:

daRobot

You went to a club with her and her friends.

she went off home with some dude and shagged them, while you were in the club.

then you collected her from this dudes house.

Sound like a nasty little ho's got you wrapped around her little finger...

Get some respect for yourself.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Break up with her now. She has no respect for you, and never will

cupsoftea

This is an unbelievable story! Why would she act like that? Obviously she intended to make you jealous, otherwise surely she would at least pretended to have stayed with a friend and made her own way home. It might be a naive teenagers way of trying to show you how attractive she is to other men and challenging you to turn the relationship into something more. Even if so, you should run a mile.

0utshined

I can not believe that you would even contemplate putting up with the shít she has given you.

It's not even about her sleeping with other guys, maybe you'd be okay with that, but the bad manners of leaving you for some randomer and expecting you to pick her up the next morning really takes the biscuit.

You need to sever dude.

What_to_do wrote:

I'm confused, what are my options?

Get away from her and get more self-esteem. She is not the only girl out there.

seamus

OK, so this incident happened a year ago, yet you're still annoyed about it, and accepted the status quo anyway?

This bit:

What_to_do wrote:

She said that she'll settle down and that I should wait for her.

Is called "having your cake and eating it too". You're her fancy rich man, who brings her out for dinner, goes to the cinema and probably buys her birthday presents when she's at home, then sits around pining about her when she's not there. She of course heads off to random guys' houses, picking up Gods knows what diseases and passing them onto you when she gets back at the weekends.
She probably brags to her mates too that she's all set up; She can party through college, sleep around, and at the end she'll have a little rich lapdog with his own house to look after her.

If you're happy with this situation, far be it from me to discourage you, but clearly the idea of her being with other people hurts you. Have some self respect and drop her. She's 19, so three or four more years of college? Or maybe she'll head off and do a postgrad or a round-the-world trip/shagathon with her mates, and before you know it, she's twenty-five, you're thirty-two, and she's *still* sleeping with other guys.

If you want to bring it all into the open, come up with a filthy, carnal text about a fantastic night of passion and text it to her "by mistake". Her reaction would be worth the fight.

Seraphina

its not really a polygamous relationship unless you're sleeping with other people too.

otherwise its just you getting ****ed over.

LundiMardi

oh man, that is just way way WAYY out of line! Omg the woman is a complete nutter!

I suggest, next time you visit her, bring her out to the country/mountains etc for a ''picnic'' in a nice secluded park of the Isle, go for a walk and whisper sweet nothings.. Then BAM!!! ''Sorry honey, i left my phone in the car'' - *runs back to get it*.. *door opens, ingition ignites, tyres squeel and you're OUTTA THERE!!*...

That's what she deserves imho:)

Leave her some biscuits though...

Fanny Cradock

seamus wrote:

If you want to bring it all into the open, come up with a filthy, carnal text about a fantastic night of passion and text it to her "by mistake". Her reaction would be worth the fight.

That's a good idea . Though at a guess, I'd say she would either be blasé about it, or hypocritically flip the lid.


Break up. This girl is making a fool of you. She may be all sweetness when you're together, but does that really offer any solace when you know she is off getting banged by someone else?

How can you ever have a "normal", trusting relationship with this girl? If she truly cared for you, she would be content with you alone. Clearly, she’s not. So what does that tell you…..?

Sorry if this comes across as a little harsh...I'm just shocked.

cordelia

Whether a relationship is polygamous/monogamous or casual/serious, the main factor that should always be included is respect,for yourself and for the other person.
It's not even about "rules", it's simply about behaving in a decent manner.
She is not treating you with either. The question is: are you willing to treat yourself with some respect and decency?
She's immature and selfcentered, plain and simple. If that's what you want then have at it. Otherwise walk away and find someone who knows how to play fairly.
Really nothing more to say.

LegacyUser

haha yeah get rid of that tramp.. yeah fair enough, ye werent in a full on relationship but obviously she has no respect for your feelings...
And then she contacts u to pick her up from the guys house she just banged.... forget her!!

Mexicola

Good god man... lose her! Wondering whether she slept with some random bloke the night before will rot your brain away!

Have you ever asked her how she'd feel if the tables were turned...?

Can you ever imagine yourself with 2 women?? .....uh huh huh...

Ruhan

You're 26. Wake up to yourself. You're being treated like crap from a girl whose 19 and out shagging around, and you don't know what to do?


You need a bit of backbone I reckon.

Peace

If i ever let someone walk all over me like that I hope someone fcking shoots me.

tylrpower

She’s only 19 and from what you have posted she has a lot of control over you. Finish it for your own self respect and sanity.
Why don’t you mention what you have posted to some of your close friends and see what they have to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

drdre

if i was u, id dump her and find someone more grown up than her

justsomebloke

i can't believe she went out with you one night and went home with another guy and told you that you could use her place to crash. If the girls treats you like this when you are around there is no hope of any proper relationship ever coming from it

Loomis

jubi lee wrote:

it was a casual thing so she's entitled to do and see who she wants...


you either a) tell her how you feel and does she want to get serious...i.e. exclusive so neither of you see other ppl
b) have an open relationship that you both see who you want to (never works if you have real feelings for the person)
c) dump her and find someone who is prepared to be with you and only you..


simple as

Entiteld to do it?
When she's out with him for the night that entitles her to go off and **** a line of guys?And then have the neck to call him in the morning to pick her up?
What ****ing planet are you living on?The same as her I'd imagine.

To the OP - seriously man.I feel horrible just reading about that.Having any kind of feelings for someone and knowing that's how they treat you and mistreat their body like that would kill me!She went off with someone else right in front of you...and not just one guy.Several!Then called you up to get a lift?Don't ever let someone walk all over you like that!You don't deserve it.No one does.

justsomebloke

also as a side note please tell me you use a lot of protection i.e. the tickest condoms on the planet, when having sex with girl as i doubt she is always complety careful as if she having this amount of sexual partners chances are sooner or later she is going to catch something and pass it on to you. i would suggest you get yourself an STD test

LegacyUser

SHE MADE YOU PICK HER UP FROM HIS HOUSE!!! Drop her. You sound like a lovely guy who can do so much better. Find a girl who deserves you and get yourself an std test, shes messing you up man

LegacyUser

i deeply sympathise with your feelings of jealousy and hurt. however, it is essential to remember that your generation was brought up considerably differently to your girlfriends. while you were happily spending your adolescents playing conkers and polishing your collection of golf balls, your lady spent hers polishing a different collection of balls. indeed she may have indulged in the sex text craze or even the student teacher swinger society which was quite popular in the mid 90's.

my advice to you sir, appreciate your girlfriends diversity(or as you may see it, slutiness).

xx

Victor

Mz, I edited your post. Some decorum wouldn't go astray.

Enii

It's tough to face but she doesn't love you even though you love her. Ditch her and find someone who loves and respects you.

Cake Fiend

You sound like a right sucker. This girl isn't really doing anything wrong, as long as she's sticking to the agreement you made - she's just leading her own lifestyle. If you have a problem with what she's doing but you're not doing anything about it or letting her know how you feel, you're allowing yourself to be a victim.

Seraphina wrote:

its not really a polygamous relationship unless you're sleeping with other people too.

otherwise its just you getting ****ed over.

QFT. Once your side of the relationship went past casual and hers didn't, you should have ended it. You're setting yourself up to get hurt even more.

Zebra3

OP,

She is taking the piss out of you.

Dump her and have no further contact with her.

You know the score with her now, and any further pain she causes you is your own fault as you now have the chance to walk away. Walk away and never go back.

is_that_so

I remember having a furious argument with a woman who was 24 and in pursuit of a 17 year old. I warned her it was trouble.
We fell out over it for a few weeks but she came back with her tail between her legs.

In truth a 19 year old has nothing in common with a 26 year old unless they are either your soul mate or are of the mind to settle into a serious relationship.
Your "friend" sounds like neither.

"Girls just wanna have fun" seems to be her motto and it's fine for her.

Let her go, take the pain and thank your lucky stars that you have walked away from it.