Overcoming Fears

elliebn

I'm 30 living with my partner in the process of building our first house. we are currently living in a mobile home in my sisters garden which is about 18 miles from where I work. the problem is that I rely on my sister or partner to drive me to and from work as I'm too scared to drive. I've had 30 lessons and even went for hypnotherapy but I still get gripped with fear at the thought of sitting behind the wheel. I have bought and paid for a car (banger) that just sits outside our mobile gathering dust, the tax is paid for and the insurance is going out monthly. You would think that the waste of money would be enough to get me out in the car but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have always had confidence issues but its getting to the point where I'm not looking forward to our house being finished because I am going to have to drive to work on my own. my boyfriend and driving instructor both said that there was no problem with my driving I just needed more confidence not sure how to get that without getting behind the wheel which I'm too scared to do. does anyone know of any relaxation techniques or have any advice on how to overcome fear, I even feel sick at the thought of driving now.

thanks

Jim10000

What is it that you're scared of?
What do you think's going to happen?
Would you be scared if you were driving somewhere with absolutely no other cars?
Did you have a bad driving experience?

Ickle Magoo

Can anyone drive you to a really quiet area or industrial estate or suchlike @ midnight & so let you get the hang of the controls....that way you can build up confidence in your own driving before heading out onto the busy roads? If you have a driving phobia, you may be better speaking to a qualified councillor who can help you explore why that is.....Best of luck

sutty

I've often heard of people using the extream of their fear to get over. Like a fear of spiders, (rather than holding a small one you hold a large one) Maybe if you tried driving on a track day? Or seeing can you be thought how on a track.
Then again, is your fear the driving, or the traffic you will be drving in?

R-KEANE

Dont know how helpful this will be but I've had some confidence issues while driving in the past. What cleared it all up was my first trip down the M1. Bloddy crosswinds scared the hell out of me. After that, driving through a town or down a dualer was nothing.

Beruthiel

OP
get yourself a copy of a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"

as you said yourself, you just have to bit the bullet and do it, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

R-KEANE

Beruthiel wrote:

OP
get yourself a copy of a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"

as you said yourself, you just have to bit the bullet and do it, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

maybe a dodgy thing to say

elliebn

have been fine while driving in the countryside as its much quieter, as soon as there are any cars behind me i panic that i'm holding them up or i'm in the way and i get very conscious of my road positioning and trying to do everything correctly as if somehow they are going to judge me and inevitibly make a mistake.

i seem to have the most issues when at a set of traffic lights or waiting at a roundabout, i will almost always cut out (although never with the instructor with dual controls so maybe he was helping out there). to date i haven't driven anywhere at all on my own its always been with someone, loads of people have said that its easier to drive on your own but i have yet to see. i have to get myself psyched up before i go anywhere and only when i'm ready can i head off.

i think my main fears are people noticing that i'm making a mistake and once or twice while in the instructors car with the big sign on the top people have beeped the horn if i've hesitated for even a second. i just feel really stupid because i see 18 year olds racing around and i'm just a wreck.

when i went to the hypnotherapist she was also a councillor (spelling?) and i've always been afraid of something or other but this one is going to become unavoidable (previous fears being stupid things like being too self conscious to go into a bank to lodge money, online and phone banking are a godsend for me).

will try this weekend as the weather is good here at the mo (have used rain, fog and ice as excuses in the past for me not to drive) and get my other half to bring me to some supermarket car park.

R-KEANE

elliebn wrote:

have been fine while driving in the countryside as its much quieter, as soon as there are any cars behind me i panic that i'm holding them up or i'm in the way and i get very conscious of my road positioning and trying to do everything correctly as if somehow they are going to judge me and inevitibly make a mistake.

i seem to have the most issues when at a set of traffic lights or waiting at a roundabout, i will almost always cut out (although never with the instructor with dual controls so maybe he was helping out there). to date i haven't driven anywhere at all on my own its always been with someone, loads of people have said that its easier to drive on your own but i have yet to see. i have to get myself psyched up before i go anywhere and only when i'm ready can i head off.

i think my main fears are people noticing that i'm making a mistake and once or twice while in the instructors car with the big sign on the top people have beeped the horn if i've hesitated for even a second. i just feel really stupid because i see 18 year olds racing around and i'm just a wreck.

when i went to the hypnotherapist she was also a councillor (spelling?) and i've always been afraid of something or other but this one is going to become unavoidable (previous fears being stupid things like being too self conscious to go into a bank to lodge money, online and phone banking are a godsend for me).

will try this weekend as the weather is good here at the mo (have used rain, fog and ice as excuses in the past for me not to drive) and get my other half to bring me to some supermarket car park.

I have a feeling that one day when you are in the hosue on your own you will just hop in the car and drive around a bit. If you even do the countryside bit on your own then thats a huge step. However, cutting out happens to everyone, even very experienced drivers. Hodling other cars up is nothing to be worried about as long as you're not speeding to make up THEIR time. You really have to do it on your own. Even if you make a few mistakes, its more important to get out and scratch the paint off someone than sitting at home with this fear hanging over you.

elliebn

have ordered that book beruthiel so i'll give it a go. i know its me thats making the fear worse so once i tackle the brain side of it hopefully the rest will fall into place.

Ickle Magoo

elliebn wrote:

have been fine while driving in the countryside as its much quieter, as soon as there are any cars behind me i panic that i'm holding them up or i'm in the way and i get very conscious of my road positioning and trying to do everything correctly as if somehow they are going to judge me and inevitibly make a mistake.

i seem to have the most issues when at a set of traffic lights or waiting at a roundabout, i will almost always cut out (although never with the instructor with dual controls so maybe he was helping out there). to date i haven't driven anywhere at all on my own its always been with someone, loads of people have said that its easier to drive on your own but i have yet to see. i have to get myself psyched up before i go anywhere and only when i'm ready can i head off.

I think most new drivers get anxiety of this sort - when we got our first car, it took me ages to realise that whenever I heard a beep it wasn't necessarily aimed at me, lol! You'll be glad to know that the more often you drive, the more experience you will gain, the less you will panic, the less mistakes you will make & thus your confidence will grow and so it goes on.....so get out there & ignore any idiot who gets frustrated - we all had to start somewhere! Best of luck

Beruthiel

R-KEANE wrote:

maybe a dodgy thing to say

please read the charter with regards to unhelpful comments
B

R-KEANE

Beruthiel wrote:

please read the charter with regards to unhelpful comments
B

Maybe you should have a read of them. I made a valid point. Dont try to be condescending.

~Leanne~

@ elliebn i really know how you feel - but it will not always be like this! You will look back some day and wonder what all the fuss was about!!

I would consider my self a good driver, im never nervous and have drove everywhere from Dublin to Cork! But i was never always like this!
I remember doing my lessons in those stupid learner cars, i could not concentrate and constantly made mistakes. i was always more worried about the people around me!
When i got my own car this all changed. You said you have a car of your own. I would encourage you to go to some peaceful carparks or some country roads ON YOUR OWN! even to this day if my mum / dad in car - i get nervous! As much as you can over the next couple of weekends, get into your car and each week venture into more traffic as you feel comfortable! Trust me by the summer you will be fine!
And remember, you control the car - the car dosent control you!!! My teacher told me these words and i found they helped!!
Good Luck!!

elliebn

thanks leanne, from all the searches i've done about fear of driving on the web its a hugely common problem, its whether you let it get to you or not, which i obviously have, if i could even visualise myself going somewhere on my own that would be a start.

i'm going to be really positive and go out somewhere in the car this weekend, probably to the site which is about 6 miles away. my boyfriend has offered to drive behind me and to have my mobile on speakerphone on the seat beside me so if i need him he can advise me on what to do. i know that probably sounds silly but i'm hoping it might work.

Ickle Magoo

I can't help thinking your b/f tailing you and trying to communicate via speakerphone will just put you off - you may as well have him as a passanger.....why not set yourself a task every day & work from there....ie today you are going to drive around the block, tomorrow around this block & the one next to it, etc, etc & build yourself up?

elliebn

hadn't really thought of it as tailing but you're probably right seeing as that is one of my original fears having someone driving behind me, will give it a go tomorrow morning minus the boyfriend and mobile and hopefully not fúck up.

Nevyn

R-KEANE wrote:

Maybe you should have a read of them. I made a valid point. Dont try to be condescending.

R-KEANE banned for off topic and unhelpfull posting.

Do read the charter and abide by the rules while posting.
Have a fablous day
Theadydal

mayotom

How have you overcome other fears in your life.

there is always a way to overcome fear, finding it is the problem

elliebn

how do i overcome other fears - i usually avoid them, if i dread or fear something then i just don't do it

Beruthiel

elliebn wrote:

how do i overcome other fears - i usually avoid them, if i dread or fear something then i just don't do it

that's no way to live your life ellie
get that book and read it!

were you not scared on your first day at school?
first day of secondary?
first job?
meeting people?
your b/f when you met first?
I'm trying to point out that you've been scared in the past and managed, this is no different.
Thoughts in your head are only that, you have crippled yourself with your thinking, we all do it to some degree, you have too work a way around that, educate yourself on why you think as you do.

elliebn

you're right i most probably was nervous for those things but what i feel when driving or having to sing/speak in public feel loads different thats why i put the word fear on it.

the book has been ordered and amazon should have it here early next week.

BigCon

Don't worry about what other drivers think (especially those behind you) - after all that's what the L plates are for, to let other drivers know you're only learning and are not a "perfect" driver.

If anyone behind you flashes the lights or blows their horn, just give them a big wave -it's pric*ks like these that cause crashes etc.
Try to force yourself to drive everyday, even if it's only a mile or two down the road and back, maybe go a little further each day or try out a raod that you haven't driven on yet.

When you're out and about with your bf have a look at some of the atrocious driving that goes on on our roads - I'll gaurantee you that you'll say to yourself "Jesus, I'm not that bad of a driver after all (and he/she doesn't even have "L" plates").

Remember, you are not as bad a driver as you think, don't be worring about it.

i just feel really stupid because i see 18 year olds racing around and i'm just a wreck.

Don't feel stupid because of these confident guys - stastically they are many many more times likely to crash etc than you - that's why the're paying the high insurance. Again, I'll bet that you are a much safer driver than most of these - I'd much rather meet you on a road at 4 in the morning than one of these "great" drivers.

Finally, take the Nike approach - just do it.
Best of luck and don't forget to post back here on how you're getting on - in no time at all you'll laugh at how you were so afraid of driving...

elliebn

Thanks all, am heading off for the weekend now, no access to internet at home, will keep you posted

thanks again

hepcat

You see to have a confidence problem in general - but you should not let it affect your life to such an extent. Remind yourself that there are 80 year old grannies out there driving around, regardless of who beeps at them. You will be fine once you take the plunge and practice on your own a few times. Being thought silly or having another driver get annoyed with you is not the worst thing that can happen you know, and that won't happen anyway. Don't put too much stock in what other people think anyway....the most valuable thing you can learn is that we all the same really, each with our own faults and foibles.

~Leanne~

I used to be like that too ellie about my fears - but you soon start to realise that they start to take over you life and restrict you in lot of ways! As you can see, this fear of driving is stopping the excitement you should be feeling from you new home!!
I would really encourage to dtart small - drive around the block one night as one member suggested, two the next night etc etc. you really will not get over this fear until you are comfortable in your car and practise practise practise!!
I think you last driving instructer might not have been the best, i went through 3 different ones as i found the other two very abrubt and not encouraging to me at all. I found a lovely woman instructer and gave me so much confidence!!

Beats

BigCon good advice.

Have to say I'm not the most confident when it comes to driving. On my fifth test I finally got my driving license. That was one glorious relief I can tell you. Even now I'm very aware of traffic when I'm in built up areas or on country regional roads. Much prefer predictable motorways.

For ten years I drove on a provisional. I know it's crazy that you can ! Never had my own car, and was abroad for some time, so was only driving when I was home.

The key for me, was really to get out there and get driving. Bought myself a car and within a year had passed the test. I wouldn't say I'm any more confident, but out of experience I have learnt to try and drive within myself. I know my limitations. So I don't like long country journeys at night, so I try and do trips during the day. I hate parking, so I look for easy spaces to park in. I'm not a speed king, so I tend to stick to speed limits. It drives some of my friends mad, and they do tend to take the piss out of me. I'm a conservative driver, but I'm comfortable that it suits me.

As a learner, remember other drivers see your L plate. They should respect that you are a learner ( I know some won't ) and you shouldn't be worried about what they think. We all had to start somewhere. Bring someone with you until your confidence improves. Drive in industrial estates, on roads with less traffic and build up to driving in town and city. Just get on the road and take little steps to improving your confidence.

Sounds like your instructor and partner have confidence in your abilities so don't stress yourself. I like to use public transport when I can, but having the ability to drive is a great asset to have, it's well worth it to stick at it. All the best.

elliebn

well I am pleased to tell you that I went out in the car on my own on saturday, we had run out of gas (so no heat, hot water or cooking) so i got up early didn't wake my b/f put the empty cylinder in the boot of the car and started it up. once i was driving it didn't feel so bad, i remembered what do, i didn't stall and the only traffic on the road was going the opposite direction. the shop that we got to used to be a petrol station so it has a big forecourt so the car looked a bit abandoned rather than parked but i didn't care.

i had laid awake for a few hours friday night trying to convince myself to do it but i have to stop thinking about it and just do it. i was smiling ear to ear when i got home and my b/f was really proud of me, that and the fact he got to lie in and not have to go to the shops.

thanks to everyone for all your great advice especially beruthial, bigcon, leanne, beats and hepcat. you have no idea how nice it feels when people you don't even know are being very encouraging. its also good to know i'm not the only one that fears driving, all of my close friends are driving for years and either can't remember feeling nervous or they just didn't. now that i've proved to myself that i can do it i just have to do it one step at a time, am waiting on that book from amazon which i will read cover to cover.

Later

Ellie x

Ickle Magoo

Well done you Ellie!!!

It will get easier & easier everytime you drive from now on - the hardest bit was getting in the car in the first place - so give yourself a huge pat on the back for being so brave!!! :):):)

Beruthiel

fantastic news ellie!
the worst is over you know, it's just down to building up the hours on the road now, before you know it, you'll be flying along!

~Leanne~

Aw thats great to hear! Well done and keep up the good work!!! It will pay off!

LegacyUser

Hey Ellie,

I could completely identify with your first post. I'm 26, got my first prov(against my wishes) at 18, since then have had a range of lessons and sporadic periods of driving. used every excuse in the book to avoid taking the test and getting out on the roads more often, though I did go abroad for a while. My biggest fears were parking and attitudes of other drivers.

I have spent the past few months driving around the city in heavy traffic etc. I have gained lots of confidence and experience and am feeling brave enough to sit my test next month. Now when i meet an arrogant ' I was born driving' git cruising behind or past me in the big car, I dont get upset or angry like I used to.

People are so quick to hop on learners. I have never driven unaccompanied until recently and have always taken a cautious attitude and shown respect for other people on the road. However, I will say as often as I've met rude twats , Ive also encountered really considerate drivers who don't burst into flames if shock I make a mistake.

good luck,
Mari

Darragh29

elliebn wrote:

I'm 30 living with my partner in the process of building our first house. we are currently living in a mobile home in my sisters garden which is about 18 miles from where I work. the problem is that I rely on my sister or partner to drive me to and from work as I'm too scared to drive. I've had 30 lessons and even went for hypnotherapy but I still get gripped with fear at the thought of sitting behind the wheel. I have bought and paid for a car (banger) that just sits outside our mobile gathering dust, the tax is paid for and the insurance is going out monthly. You would think that the waste of money would be enough to get me out in the car but I just can't bring myself to do it. I have always had confidence issues but its getting to the point where I'm not looking forward to our house being finished because I am going to have to drive to work on my own. my boyfriend and driving instructor both said that there was no problem with my driving I just needed more confidence not sure how to get that without getting behind the wheel which I'm too scared to do. does anyone know of any relaxation techniques or have any advice on how to overcome fear, I even feel sick at the thought of driving now.

thanks

Its weird how fear can control you. I have an insane fear of spiders, if there is one in a room, I freeze and ca't move. Sometimes if its not near me, like the other side of the room, I can run out but I have to shut the door and put a towel at the bottom to seal the gap under the door. Once I was driving and a spider came up on the dashboard and I jumped out of the car (it was still moving) and had to get the person in the car behind me to get into my car and take the spider out, this person thought I was drunk until I explained the situation to them and even at that they were a bit suspicious. I also ran out of a restraunt in town once because a spider was on the wall. I feel for you with your problem, I'm lucky that my phobia doesn't affect me very often as its rare I see spiders, but if it was something like what you have, where it effected my quality of life, I'd have to get something done about it.

L31mr0d

I used to have a fear of most things rational, like heights, driving, flying, deep water... things that actually do kill people. I have no fear of things like the darkness or spiders/insects that can't kill me. One day myself and a few friends where cliff jumping and I was so riddled with fear that I convinced myself that I would more than likely injure myself or die from drowning or the impact with the water. Most of the day passed as I sat by the side of the lake watching them and I realised how many happy memories my friends where building and how they would look back on that day with fondness. It was at that moment that the fear of regretting experiences lost as I got older single handedly outweighed every other fear I had. I wouldn't say now i'm fearless but i'll try anything once, and even when I might hesitate about doing something I always just say to myself "no more regrets" and I just do it.

A life not lived is not a life at all. Its great that you have broken the ice and are moving forward with driving now. When you encounter any more fears in the future just think to yourself that you did it once you can do it again. Find a healthy fear like I did about regrets and use that to give you the gusto to power through any other obstacles in the future.

Kell

BigCon wrote:

Don't worry about what other drivers think (especially those behind you) - after all that's what the L plates are for, to let other drivers know you're only learning and are not a "perfect" driver.

OT, but this attitude drives me (pardon pun) up the fúcking wall. Having learned in the UK from instructors who insisted you drive at the speed limit irrelevant of road i.e. 30mph-60mph be it your first or fifth lesson, I learned very fast how to drive in all conditions and am alive for it.

A car is a potential killing machine. It is just as fatal to put your foot on the brake when in the path of an oncoming car as it is to try and overtake six cars on a single carriageway. Instructors dont tell you things like "dont break in the wet in a corner" either, but this can be just as fatal.

Instructors who allow people to drive under the speed limit etc should be fired. That only teaches you how to pass your test, NOT how to drive and more importantly, how to stay alive when faced with an accident situation.

K-

damo

Stick with it - it'll get easier as you get more confident.

I developed a fear of flying out of nowhere when i was 18, i was on a flight and just suddenly got a panic attack and vivid images of the plane going down - total nightmare. For the next 3 years i was an extremely nervous flyer but i managed to overcome it because its an irrational fear (same as you have) and get this: i ended up taking a flying lesson to really face it head on and nail it - and i absolutely loved it and im now starting full time training in January for my commercial pilots licence!