Not strong enough

LegacyUser

Hi there, anyone any tips on how to keep someone out of your life that you know is bad for you but you still love them all the same?

Kicked my partner and father of my baby daughter out yesterday (happened many times before but each time I took him back)

This man is cold, unaffectionate, selfish, rarely contributes to rent, bills, food anything.

I know his upbringing has a lot to do with his inability to show love but its hard to live without it.

Have not kissed each other for over a year, sex is once in blue moon when it suits him, its never when I instigate it. He never takes me out but goes out for work do's or when his friends ring to invite him (boys only).

I know deep down he is only using me as a means to see our child unlimited and this hurts but I still love him with all my heart (not sure why).

Threw him out yet again and have not spoken to him at all, its killing me but in another sense I would prefer not to have any contact.

If he comes back I know I will be back to square one.

Why cant I see how he is bad for me, he does not make me happy, he does not ever consider my feelings, I have told him over and over that I need a hug every now and again but still have to ask for one which defeats the purpose.

I am normally a strong character, I will fight my corner but I just dont seem to be able to get rid of him once and for all. He knows this and knows that if he comes back i will let him in once again.

Any advice, this time I would love to be able to say he isnt coming back and really mean it?

Beruthiel

Tooweakforhim wrote:

Why cant I see how he is bad for me, he does not make me happy, he does not ever consider my feelings, I have told him over and over that I need a hug every now and again but still have to ask for one which defeats the purpose.

then he does not make you happy.
why would anyone stay with someone who doesn't make them happy?
do you not think you deserve better?
are you afraid that you will be alone for the rest of your life?
what is the root reason for you not just getting on with your life?

is it not a case of pro longing the misery you are in by taking him back each time?
if from today, you never saw him again, then you would most likely be over him in six months - In a years time you'd be so happy you would't know yourself.
Are you too scared to be happy again?

Ickle Magoo

Is there any way you would go & see a councellor? I think anyone who is prepared to put up with such a loveless existance and convince themselves they love the person who treats them with such indifference, must have some serious self-respect and self-confidence issues.....perhaps a councellor could help you to see why you deserve so much more and how best to get it....all the very best

justsomebloke

if you can't get rid of him for your own happiness can you not do it for the sake of your child. How is your child feeling through all this with their father coming in and out of their life not knowing when he is going to be around, I also gather that you must do your fair bit of fighting aswell and the child has to take all of this in.
So don't get romantically involved with him again. you say that he was only using you for access to your child so tell him that even though he isn't living with you that he can still have full access to the child. It would be better for your child to have 2 seperated loving parents then 2 parents who don't get on

LegacyUser

I wish I could say why I am not allowing myself to be happy because being with him, im afraid of when he is going to walk next, afraid to voice an opinion because he is always right.

I hate my own company, I am bored after an hour. All my friends have moved on, they have their own lives now.

The part that kills me is I know he treats me badly, I know he uses me and takes advantage of my nature. He humiliates me at times when I want/need something and he wont allow it.

I really dont know...

Ickle Magoo

Unreg1stered123 wrote:

I know he treats me badly, I know he uses me and takes advantage of my nature. He humiliates me at times when I want/need something and he wont allow it.

I really dont know...

What is it you don't know? You seem to be aware of how badly he treats you & that such treatment shouldn't be tolerated.....what else is there to know?!

Beruthiel

Unreg1stered123 wrote:

I hate my own company, I am bored after an hour.

then you need to start here.
I love my own company, I can happily spend hours hanging with myself, books, dvd's, the internet, an afternoon in town shopping. Start with yourself, you need to do that.

He humiliates me at times when I want/need something and he wont allow it.

you need to get your self respect back, if you act like a doormat, people will treat you like one

I really dont know...

you do know, you are just too afraid to try

Femelade

i was kind of in the same situation as you but insted of kicking him out, i left.
it was extremely hard to do, my daughter was 2 at the time. it was hard to even except the defeat, but its now nearly 3 yrs on and i must admit i couldnt be happier, my daughter would not be the happy little gir is is now if she had to live in that environment any longer.

you should stay well away, it is hard and it will be hard for a long time, but you are not happy now and i can almost guarantee you that you will be so much happier than you ever were with him in a few weeks/months down the line.

Nevyn

You are strong, you would not have stood up to him and threw him out if you were not strong.
You just need to endure the next while which will be hard but it will pass.
If you are unhappy and miserible then your life and your childs life will be miserible too.

Which is worse your own company with the peace of mind and calmness in the house or the horrid dread of being in the same house or room as him and waiting for him to start ?

There are lots of things you can do to fill in your time,
when was the last time you took everything out of the kitchen presses and wiped down the shelves ?
I'm serious keep your self occupied all the things that you never think to or have been putting off doing them start them now.

You do know that you and your daughter are better off with out the person who is contributing nothing postive to your lives; why should you let him come and live in the home you have created used becasue it suits him ?
Really it sounds like he is happy to let you do everything and while a persons background and circumstance of how they grow up does have an impact as an adult he could have chosen to live his life differently.
Every child of a disfunctional family can choose to make sure thier family life is not like that, adults take responsibilty for thier lives and thier choices.
He has chosen not to particpate and contribute to the family or in his relationship with you in any meaningful and supportive way, so you have got to ask yourself are you really going to let him back in and go back to washing his socks ?

Making the changes to yourself and your life away from what it was and what was your old routine will be hard but you can do it.
If he dropped dead tomorrow you would have to get on with your life with out him.
If he is still effecting you like this then he still has control/power over you even if he is not living there.
Time to say 'Sod him' and do the little things you have not done in so long like playing you favourite music all over the house and making time to play and laugh with you little one.

And this place will help keep you sane too esp if you have net acess at home.

LegacyUser

Hi guys I am the op for this one.

I have to say, what you have all written is amazing. You have no idea, if I am feeling down I shall be back online to re read these. Thaedayl can I just say, your words are a great comfort.

I will try all you are saying but I know I will end up hatching my phone in case he texts.