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Feedback on descriptive style / general flow

  • 15-03-2006 12:01am
    #1
    MDP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭


    Distant mongrel on the horizon, baying for blood
    want to give him a biscuit, I would if I could.

    Feta cheese all over my hands,
    With darkness in my mind I cross these harsh lands.

    Cold sweat, hot sun
    Cruel winter, naked nun.


Comments

  • #2
    MDP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 24 ✭MDP


    Pt 2

    Screaming child, going wild
    Hungry mother, tries to smother

    Stripping flesh from the bones
    Fast digestion, pigeon homes.


  • #3
    Silent Grape
    Closed Accounts Posts: 574 ✭✭✭Silent Grape


    um. made no sense to me. even if i dont understand what a poem is about the general way its written would give a clue, but this is very confusing to me. i do like the randomness of it. maybe it would run better if it wasnt always in two parts? i dont know, maybe you wanted that jumpyness to it.
    strange juxtapositioning of funny things and things which im assuming are metaphorical, like the sentences about the dog? for a short and to the point poem, (my favourite kind) these sentences seem like their floating and are there for no reason. and the cheese reference interested me but again there is nothing holding it to the rest of the poem. and the naked nun bit. its like you chose various phrases/images you liked or that interested you and put them together so they rhymed a little bit. i do like it, kind of. its quirky, but seems like its yet to be written.


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