Coming out in school.

cotwold

Im in fifth year in secondary school and i want to come out but i dont know how. All of my close friends know and are all cool with it but i know not everyone in the year will understand. Recently there were loads of rumours spread around about me being gay and everyones started asking my friends am i. They just tell them they dont know and that if they want to know they should ask me. Nobody has asked me yet but im planning to take this opportunity to come out in school but i just dont know how????

Boston

If your close friends know, then why do you care to tell others? It won't stop the rumors.

LegacyUser

Only come out if you're 100% sure you can deal with the repercussions. School is a difficult place to be at the best of times, and while I'm not advocating living a lie, you need to remember that once you're out, you can't go back in. College etc will be different, but right now you need to give it a lot of thought before coming out publicly. If your close friends already know and accept this, then do you have any real need to come out publicly?

I know a lot of people who have come out since leaving school, and everybody's given them a lot of support. But I know that things would have been different in school.

lifesucks

I know every expericnce is different but I came out to the entire school not so long ago. Everyone was fine. People i expected to be weird about it were suprisngly sound about it!! There were roumors about me and other people too but me coming out seemed to clear them up! Within the 1st week i had two offers off people! One of whom i didnt even no was gay and still isnt openly. Maybe its not such a good thing for you to do it in 5th year because it means u could end up having over a year of hell, because at least i only had a few weeks left. At least you know you have your close friends who will stand by you.

Turner

If i was you id probably leave it until I got to College, people are alot more openminded there.

Boston

Oh, you never mentioned your parents. If you come out to your entire school, the chances of some teacher/other parent telling them is extremely high.

snappieT

I wouldn't be particularly for doing it, but the way I did it went something like this:

RetardA: "snappieT's gay"
ClassOfRetards: <laugher>
snappieT: "excuse me?"
RetardA: "yeah, you're gay"
snappieT: "er, yeah. got a problem with that?"
RetardA: (in shock) "no, not at all"

It felt good, and stopped years of slagging, but once the bloody first years hear, and if you're on the Student Council or anything, it won't be fun and games.

Best of luck!

cotwold

marvola wrote:

School is a difficult place to be at the best of times, and while I'm not advocating living a lie, you need to remember that once you're out, you can't go back in. College etc will be different, but right now you need to give it a lot of thought before coming out publicly.

Fair point but i just feel if dont come out now ill regret it forever, i might miss out on some of the best experiences of my teenage life.

marvola wrote:

If your close friends already know and accept this, then do you have any real need to come out publicly?

Ive been half publicaly out for over a year. During forth year i made loads of friends outside of school that didnt know anyone in my own school. It was cool to be out and all and i had a boyfriend for awhile but i want to be my self around my "own people"(if you can understand that).

LegacyUser

At the end of the day, it is your decision, and if you're completely sure its the right thing to do, then I genuinely wish you the best of luck with it. Obviously, I don't know what the people you go to school with are like so can't predict how everyone can react. Just make sure you give it a lot of thought, especially coming into your Leaving Certificate year next year.

aaronquigley

cotwold wrote:

Im in fifth year in secondary school and i want to come out but i dont know how. All of my close friends know and are all cool with it but i know not everyone in the year will understand. Recently there were loads of rumours spread around about me being gay and everyones started asking my friends am i. They just tell them they dont know and that if they want to know they should ask me. Nobody has asked me yet but im planning to take this opportunity to come out in school but i just dont know how????

I'm not sure how you would plan to come out to the whole school or
whole year, print flyers? If not, some of your choices are a) avoid
sending mixed signals when asked a direct question or b) tell your
friends it's ok for them to spread the word or c) do something dramatic
eg. take a guy to a school event and snog him.

Personally I don't broadcast my sexuality, none of my peers straight or
gay do. I just introduce my partner or talk about him in normal
conversation as people do. We have a website that our friends
and family visit, it's all very standard fare. No one seems to notice.

However, in school I could imagine a different reaction. I personally
wouldn't do anything over the top, it's not cool. If you decide to tell
people, just start including this aspect of your character frankly into
conversations.

I think life and the world is moving on (Ireland not so fast), it's slowly
becoming the norm for straight people to alter their hetro-centric view
of the world. It's up gay people to adapt and realise their sexuality
is one small aspect of their make up and not their defining quality.

By coming out in school you are helping younger people realise this is
the way of the world. On the other hand this can be a lot to shoulder
for you going into a leaving cert year.

Aaron.

Boston

Aaron is right, aside from whether of not you do come out, how you approach the subject is incredibly important. If you don't want people to look at you for the next 2 years and see your sexuality and nothing else, follow Aarons advice, just drop it casually. As you say allot of people expect it so it should be difficult. If you don't treat it liek a big thing, they won't.

Btw one of the things that happens when you come out, is you get into these long and often very intimate conversations with people about sexuality. For the most part i didn't mind, but they can be very draining and gay/bi people often feel obliged to have them, you're not. It's private is a fine answer.

Aard

I've been out since third year, and have never had many problems. As long as you don't shove it in peoples faces, you're grand. There's some idiots at my school who hate me for no other reason (one of whom was my best friend about 7 years ago), but they never do anything, probably because I'm not camp, and never make a big deal out of being gay.

Untense

I think aaron had a point, it's about how you deal with it that will effect how the other people in your school react. If you treat it as the small thing that it truly is and you're comfortable in yourself to the point where you can talk comfortably about your sexuality, or even joke about it, you're not going to come across much hassle.

If you're insecure or hesitent about your sexuality, you might come across trouble.
People hate to see in others what they hate about themselves.
Perfect example? There was a guy bullied in my class for being gay, but the guy doing the bullying later turned out to be gay himself (still in the closet).

Just think of the negative things people may have to say as their own cry for help. Don't mind them.
I'd say if you feel like you want to go public, go public. As has been said earlier, you've already come out to your closest friends and they're okay with it so sod the rest of them.

When I came out to my friends and family I didn't give two spuds who else found out after that, I told my family and friends I didn't care who knew, so pretty much everyone I had been in school with found out within the space of two weeks.

My advice? Act like it's not a big deal and it won't be a big deal.

Good luck and let us know what you decide to do!

aaronquigley

Untense wrote:

Perfect example? There was a guy bullied in my class for being gay, but the guy doing the bullying later turned out to be gay himself (still in the closet).

God Untense, did we go to the same school? I had the same thing, guy
messing with my hair in class and picking on people for being gay.
He toned down after 2nd year but I heard he was gay after school ended.

I hope it works our well for the original poster.

Aaron.

lifesucks

I had a very similar experience too. There was one lad in my school who always had homophobic comments to make and he all took the piss outa me for being a bit camp.... then one day to my suprise when we were in 1st/2nd year we ended up getting together! Mind you he was still a total prick about it after and continued taking the piss outa me!

andyman

I'm straight but I just want to give my opinion. If you do come out, the slagging will be intense. But if you have a decent group of friends who are good with it and/or your mature enough to handle it, you'll be fine.

Someone in fifth year in my school came out and, although he got a lot of slagging for the first couple of weeks, most people are ok with it now.

Its up to you.

cotwold

Ok, yeah i gotta agree with Aaron, thats how ive always gone about untill now. i realise that i might get slagged a bit but i recon on a whole myt year will be supportive overall but ive decided to wait until near the end of the school year so i give everyone the summer to get used to it.

Stark

Cantab wrote:

Why do you feel the need to make a grand announcement to your peers that you like having sex with other men?

Because he doesn't like having to keep secrets from people.

Boston

Cantab. wrote:

What ethos does this school have? I'm assuming that you are under 18 given that you are in fifth year. What do your parents think about all this?

Why do you feel the need to make a grand announcement to your peers that you like having sex with other men?

I was having a couple of drinks with some people at the boards beers there on saturday, when towards the end of the night, one of the lads wiped out a load of battiers from his pocket, I passed a comment, that my boyfriend often does things like that. No grand announcement, just casual like.

cotwold, i strongly suggest you talk to your parents before coming out to your school. Probably going to be very hurtful if you don't

damien

LiouVille wrote:

No grand announcement, just casual like.

Am reminded of a cop film or cowboy film: "Kick the gun over to me here, casual like."

Carry on.

cotwold

LiouVille wrote:

cotwold, i strongly suggest you talk to your parents before coming out to your school. Probably going to be very hurtful if you don't.

Its not a case "that I havent told them" what intend to do, its just that it hasnt come up. When i came out to them they were just like "cool, whatever you think's best". Im open in the sense if i want to bring my boyfriend home i do and at home theres no illusion to "who he is" but i dont really dont discuss what i intend to do about any other aspect of my social life so its not a big deal.(what im trying to say is that theyre incredibly easy going)

LiouVille wrote:

I was having a couple of drinks with some people at the boards beers there on saturday, when towards the end of the night, one of the lads wiped out a load of battiers from his pocket, I passed a comment, that my boyfriend often does things like that. No grand announcement, just casual like.

I totaly agree with you and in most cases thats how i do come out. But as im sure you'll agree that its not that easy to be nonchalent when telling 75 adolesent boys(which in most cases have never spoken to an openly gay person their own age) that your gay.

At this point i'd like to highlight my resentment for Cantab's constant misquotation of

Cantab. wrote:

grand announcement .

. At no point have i implied a grand announcement and i think its tipical of his style of argument to construe and exagerate facts or statements.

Cantab. wrote:

Well if it's a Catholic school then don't expect your teachers to receive your version of the good news with open arms. I expect they won't encourage you in this kind of behaviour, but at the same time, I don't think they'd be too impressed either. The Catholic position on homosexual acts is quite clear. Were I a parent and my children were in class with a boy with homosexual tendencies, I'd be quite worried.

Firstly id like to point out that there are members of the staff that are gay and widely exceped by the pupils and staff.
Secondly its completely irrelavant whether members of staff do or do not approve of "the good news" as it is frankly none of their business.
You say the Catholic position on homosexual acts is quite clear however thankfully my schools position on the Catholic ethos is not very clear. There are very few devout Catholics in my school and the main student body consists of Atheists or á la carte Catholics(those who attend mass once a year) with a minority of Muslims and Protesdants. Overall the School preaches a more universaly accepted Christian sentiment of exceptance(one of which your obviously not aquainted with)

Cantab. wrote:

I'd also be very worried for you were you my son.

You'd be worried if i were your son!!!!:eek: How do you think i'd feel, living in constant fear that my father would crucify me on a burning cross in the front lawn for my sins of the flesh!!!

Cantab. wrote:

And isn't this what most gays do? And homosexuals within the 'gay culture' are much more likely to have casual sex with strangers that they meet in gay nightclubs exposing themselves to many risks.

In what decade?
To qoute(correctly) the wise BuffyBot

BuffyBot wrote:

Welcome to The Generalisation Game folks!

You might as well say that everyone that pursues a purely conservative agenda singlemindedly is complety ignorant, only capable of spewing out the facist dogma which they have been fed and so keenly imbibed. (oh wait......):rolleyes:

cotwold wrote:

but if you are gay you should know that its more than just about having sex with men. I also like to date men, kiss men, go to parties with men, hold hands with men, spend time with men, talk to men, be intimate with men.

Cantab. wrote:

mmm..

What? Remind me again who is actualy gay? Who are you to actualy question what I feel or want out a relationship. An answer like that leads me to the conclusion that you are infact only replying for the sake of seeing your post count go up and don't actualy have anything usful to contribute. If you had least added anything else of use i would of quoted it but the rest is just swill and i would ask you not to bother those precious fingers of yours into typing anything else on this thread unless you can bring yourself to form an original thought. Thanks:)

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

You need to imagine a man; a pitiable figure really except his manner disallows any one to sympathise with him.......... his drivel only feeds and maintains an unhealthy behaviour?

My sentiments exactly.

Marshy wrote:

Its a tough one Cotwold, but its a question of thinking things thru properly and not making a rash decision. You're very very lucky tho that you have such good and understanding friends.

Hey, Marshy (one of my "understanding friends" that im just so "very very lucky" to have):cool:

lifesucks

Why do people seem to think that coming out in school is such a big deal these days? Certainly where i come from (a small town in the west) there has been no problem at all!

My school has a strong catholic ethos but so what, it means nothing. Teachers dont have a clue what goes on with students private life and they dont care. Like someone else said just becasue they teach in a catholic school doesnt mean that they hold stoing catholic believes... and even if they did how exactly do you think that the teachers will find out about their students sexual orientation?? Teachers tend to be quite open minded as the are after all highly educated. :rolleyes:

IMHO most students couldnt care less about another student being gay and will in fact be more curious then anything (i've been asked some very strange q's in my days' )

Transcendant

Firstly I am a sixth year school student and gay. I don't know if you'd count me as out as there was no "grand anouncement" and I don't wear a big flashing pink sign but its no secret. I don't hide any side of my God given personality and if there was anyone left in doubt the flirting I do with certain members of our male student body (the muscley ones) should enlighten them.
The point is that you are what you are. You don't need to qualify it by coming out, if you are true to yourself it should already be out there and if someone asks you then just speak what your soul tells you to.
That said my life is not easy but is definitly not easy though it is happier now that I let truth permiate all over. I was always called gay queer etc. so one day I decided just to let go and be exactly who I was.

Iofur

I came out in the final year of secondary school. I had already told a couple of people I considered close friends and some of them took it well and others didnt. My mom knew I was gay or she knew at the time that I 'thought' I was gay.

Coming out in school is tough but I had already experienced bullying for being really shy and quiet at first and people called me gay since 6th class! Coming out in 6th year just showed people that I didnt care what they thought of me. I started Art that year and most of my sketches and drawings were men and the rest of them just had to deal with it.

Of course there are those who will still try and knock you down, and you have to take the blows, not everyone is willing to understand you for who you are and those are the jerkwads who will try to ruin your year but dont let em!

Your true friends will stick by you when the time comes, dont worry!

UU

Well I myself came out to my class when I was drunk at the predebs. (not the most ideal!) Everyone knows and is totally cool about it. I recently met up with my Brazilian correspondent who is gay and they wished me luck. One fella even said "I'm glad you came out as it showed real courage!" Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my correspondent for a while. Dommage!

Basically I've had it easy and my school is liberal and hardly religious. I so glad I came out as I have so much more confidence now. I'm in 6th year and only have a month left. I feel sad leaving them all behind but I most move on. There are times when people will try to oppress you due to your sexuality, race, etc. but just hold your head up high and smile. You don't live in Iran where being gay can result in being hanged. Don't listen to bigots like Cantab. Their opinions are worthless and they are trapped behind the bars of prejudice and pure ignorance where they must be liberated too. Society today in Ireland is moving forward. Our battles as gays have been fought for us and we should greatly thank the older generations for achieving this. Civil Partnerships are around the corner too . . .

Eishkimo

Hi all!

I'm kinda in your position Cotwold. I'm in fifth year and bi. I've never actually had a boyfriend or kissed a guy but I know that I'm bisexual and more attracted to guys than girls generally (even though it fluctuates). Anyway, my close friends at school all know and most people in my year have guessed because there's another gay and bi guy in my class. I haven't told my parents or any of my family. The people in my class are really weird about it though. When someone hears I'm bi, they don't react as badly as you might think. A really homophobic guy in my class actually read a gay slash I wrote (Jack and Charlie from Lost:D ) and freaked out... About the drugs in it!!! =p My school is also Catholic and in the past they have done a few things that could be considered actively Catholic. Also, my school's also fairly rural (on the Tipperary/Limerick border). I think that once your close friends know, that's all you need, but it's definitely your choice and you should follow your instincts on this one

Spliffany692000

Dont pay attention to what people think of you!! Its your life...are you gonna live life wondering what people will think of you?? Dont! And dont be ashamed of who you are...remember love is love!! If your afraid people will think our weird...just remind them of the people who marry their pets!!

Stark

^^^

Stupid pop psychology.

shoegirl

I came out at school. Had the crap beaten out of me for it. To top it off the school authorities blamed me for having the crap beaten out of me, and told my parents so. It did a lot of emotional damage to me for many years and made a poor situation with my folks 10 times worse. Be terribly careful how you treat in schools, they are not bastions of equality and nobody can control what things people say to you, however offensive and hurtful they might be.

MaltEagle

I know it's hard but dont be afraid to tell people. There's alot more gay friendly people around now than you think. It's your life, you choose how to live it and dont let people stop you living it the way you want to. If people have a problem with it, they're the one's loosing out.

Twinkle-star15

A good few people in my school came out. No one really cares.