Jealousy could cost me all

LegacyUser

This is the deal, i am a shyish guy who dating a amazing looking girl, anyway we've being dating for a few months, and i had to move so its gone long distance but moving back in a month or two so that really isn't the issuse, the problem is i'm insanely parnoid about her, i freak out when i see she's been talking to other guys online or something i know she'd never cheat on me but its becoming a real problem because i know that i'l start talking it out on her and it'll drive us apart, i believe its due to the fact my last girlfriend left me high and dry for another lad after 2 years. does anyone know what i should do or have they been through this be4,

Plase help if you can i don't want to lose her.

py2006

Well for starters, don't bring it up in conversation! Try to fight the feelings you are having. Keep telling yourself that you can trust this girl. You have not been given a reason to think she is cheating or going to leave you.

If you tell her that you don't like her chatting to other guys etc the chances are she will consider leaving you.

Ag marbh

I go through stages of obsessing over this too. It's really bad when im in a depressed mood but I don't have any advice for you because mine is still present.

Faith

I think everyone gets paranoid at some stage or other during a relationship. I remember getting really jealous because of an offhand remark a girl made about my boyfriend at the time. I had no real reason to suspect him of being interested in her but it still pissed me off.

I think you've just got to keep reassuring yourself that she likes YOU and that you've got to trust her. You're right when you say jealousy would cost you everything. There's nothing more off putting than a guy who won't even let you talk to other men. Just relax and trust her.

Blisterman

Just remember, she chooses to go out with you, not anyone else, and try and trust her.

chuci

i used like this somethimes like get worried when my boyfreind went out without me but i knew it was stupid and just remembered that hes going out with me and not wants to be with anyone else. i knew that its stupid and irrational to worry but it cant be helped. i found that just talking o him about it helped. im sure if your that worried about it tell your girlfriend and im sure she will put you at ease.its a normal part of a relationship and shows that you have developed stronger feeelings for her and it must be hard considering ye are away from each other quite a lot. best of luck

vibrant

Save_me wrote:

isn't the issuse, the problem is i'm insanely parnoid about her, i freak out when i see she's been talking to other guys online or something

How on earth would you know if she's been talking to other guys online? :eek:

LegacyUser

vibrant wrote:

How on earth would you know if she's been talking to other guys online? :eek:

she uses a message service which i do on a friendship web site which shows you other have been talking to.

What does it matter how i know???? i dont spy on her or log into her accounts

Hugh Hefner

py2006 wrote:

Well for starters, don't bring it up in conversation! Try to fight the feelings you are having.

Ah Jesus, I hate this. Things like that really get on my tits. It's advice like this that encourages bad communication between partners and prevents people from dealing with things properly. Don't talk to her about it? Don't talk to her about it?! She's his bloody girlfriend! They should at least be able to talk about their feelings with one and other. And you know what? If he does talk to her about it and things don't go down well, then he'll know that she's obviously not the girl for him.

Aren't relationships supposed to be, you know, a two person thing where each helps the other and people work out their problems in a mature and civilised way?

Rant over.

cupsoftea

Go Hugh! You are dead right.

Larianne

I'd suggest not to make a big deal out of it to her when saying it to her. Just even half jokingly say "Ah its gets me mad jealous seeing guys chat ya up" or whatever and see how she responds. If you say how much its really freaking you out, you might come across possessive and she might get offended thinking you don't trust her. Mention about your past relationship if you need to, just don't make it sound too heavy. She'll probably be quite flattered knowing that you're into her so much..Just don't say anything about freaking out.

chump

I'd ignore Huge Heffners advice...

For a start you no what you're feeling is illogical and I don't believe there's anything 'good' she can say or do that will help this.

This is something inside you, burning you up. You have the let the fire burn out. Talking about it, and posting about it, and thinking about it isn't helping. It's very easy to say 'just forget about it', so I won't say that. But jus 4getta bou tit.

Hugh Hefner

In my opinion (I hate that phrase), the man's problem is a bigger deal than that. There are certainly things that you don't say to your partner (like how you don't like the colour of her shoes), but this guy is jealous, not just once in passing but continuously. I stress "continuously". Doesn't that seem... big to you?

Sure he could just forget about it and push away the feelings, and it would probably work. Things might be great, but for how long? He wouldn't have dealt with the core issue and 3/4/5 years later something might set him off again. Or even in a completely different relationship this might cause problems. Better to deal with things sooner rather than later.


I would suggest Larianne's advice. I don't mean that you have to have the most serious talk ever, but you should definitely discuss it in some way and go with the flow.

chump wrote:

... Huge Heffners...

Why thank you, darlin'.



P.s. Thanks cupsoftea.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Hugh Hefner wrote:

In my opinion (I hate that phrase), the man's problem is a bigger deal than that. There are certainly things that you don't say to your partner (like how you don't like the colour of her shoes), but this guy is jealous, not just once in passing but continuously. I stress "continuously". Doesn't that seem... big to you?

Sure he could just forget about it and push away the feelings, and it would probably work. Things might be great, but for how long? He wouldn't have dealt with the core issue and 3/4/5 years later something might set him off again. Or even in a completely different relationship this might cause problems. Better to deal with things sooner rather than later.

i think this is one part of a lot of relationships that's best dealt with seperately or with third parties. Being jealous implies self consciousness\mistrust\selfishness or all three. It's the most offputting thing you can say to someone.

hepcat

Yep, I agree that if you know you are irrationally jealous, you should try and sort it out yourself, if you can. Try to remind yourself that she is not your ex, she is a totally different person. One thing is for sure, though, signs of unfounded jealousy and possessiveness from you are only going to push her in the direction you don't want her to go in.

You know if she's happy with you, don't you? You know whether or not you can trust her? Well then, unless you have good reason, you just have to get over irrational fears. (Chatting to others online means nothing, and you know it. She is obviously pretty open about it too, so has nothing to hide.)

If you really cannot control your jealousy then you will have to explain to your girlfriend that you still feel bad after your ex's behavoiur - but this may not be what she wants to hear. It may make her feel your ex is still on your mind. Also, if you are seeking constant reassurance from her, she may find that off-putting.

If you can get over this yourself, do it!

Hugh Hefner

hepcat wrote:

but this may not be what she wants to hear. It may make her feel your ex is still on your mind. Also, if you are seeking constant reassurance from her, she may find that off-putting.

Do you mean it might move her to break up with him? If that were to happen, then don't you realise that she's obviously not worth his time?

If you just mean that she might be a little put off, well then guess what: sometimes you gotta hear stuff that you would rather be in denial about, for the good of the relationship. To not be open with your partner just because it might annoy/worry them is a problem in and of itself.

Honestly, I think how problems are worked out is one of the best tells of a relationship's quality. I'm not saying that every solution has to be a complete bonding of souls but from what I gather of the OP's problems, if he isn't honest about his feelings and just trys to forget about them, then he's just asking for trouble down the line.

People have mentioned the "risks" of speaking to the girlfriend, but what about the possibility of making things a whole lot better? The girl might feel wanted, the OP might be more comfortable, it could strengthen the bond between them and open up their relationship a whole lot.


Anyway, that's all I'm gonna say. G'luck Save_me.

hepcat

Hugh Hefner wrote:

Do you mean it might move her to break up with him? If that were to happen, then don't you realise that she's obviously not worth his time?

If you just mean that she might be a little put off, well then guess what: sometimes you gotta hear stuff that you would rather be in denial about, for the good of the relationship. To not be open with your partner just because it might annoy/worry them is a problem in and of itself.

Honestly, I think how problems are worked out is one of the best tells of a relationship's quality. I'm not saying that every solution has to be a complete bonding of souls but from what I gather of the OP's problems, if he isn't honest about his feelings and just trys to forget about them, then he's just asking for trouble down the line.

People have mentioned the "risks" of speaking to the girlfriend, but what about the possibility of mkaing things a whole lot better? The girl might feel wanted, the OP might be more comfortable, it could strengthen the bond between them and open up their relationship a whole lot.


Anyway, that's all I'm gonna say. G'luck Save_me.

Yes you have a point but, you can look at things another way too. If this guy comes across to his GF as possessive and jealous and hung up on his ex, when in fact he is not really like this at all, she may be put off. This "well if she can't accept it she's not the one for you" only goes so far you know. If I were at the start of a relationship with someone I really liked, I would not share my feelings of bitterness / jealousy with that person - especialy if I was only feeling like this as a reaction to the way a previous ex had treated me.

LegacyUser

thing is i ain't hung up bout my ex, she in the past theirs no point being hung up she showed me her real colors so i dont talk to her no more,

its just why, if my girlfriend is with me does she need to chat to guys on a friendship website thing? Of course there are things that make me believe she really likes me like i'm the first guy she brought home, we spend long period at each other houses coz of the distance thing (and every weekend if we can) maybe i am parnoid after the last time i am greatful for everyones help, i am going to not overreact to her talking to guys or become jealous unless i'm given a good reason too, which is fair, i must learn to trust again and stop this foolish crap i'm putting myself through. I do trust her, she always says she doesn't like lieing, and as someone said shes given me no reason not to trust her,

Anyway again thank you all
Hugh Hefner Larianne
hepcat Chump
Bottle_of_Smoke py2006
cupsofttea Ag marbh
vibrant chuci
Faith

Yours truthfully,
Save_Me

vibrant

Save_me wrote:

she uses a message service which i do on a friendship web site which shows you other have been talking to.

What does it matter how i know???? i dont spy on her or log into her accounts

Well gosh I was just wondering! I was also hoping you weren't doing anything stupid, like logging into her account to check up on her.

chuci

hepcat wrote:

Yes you have a point but, you can look at things another way too. If this guy comes across to his GF as possessive and jealous and hung up on his ex, when in fact he is not really like this at all, she may be put off. This "well if she can't accept it she's not the one for you" only goes so far you know. If I were at the start of a relationship with someone I really liked, I would not share my feelings of bitterness / jealousy with that person - especialy if I was only feeling like this as a reaction to the way a previous ex had treated me.

all the op has to do is not to sound possessive or irrational all he is doing is sharing his feelings with his girlfriend last time i checked communication is the key. and in my experience sharing these feelings can make a relationship stronger and not make it worse. if he doesnt tell her it can grow into something much worse and the problem could possibly end them. as for the ex he doesnt have to mention her if he doesnt want to but it may help get across why he is feeling this way without putting too much emphasis on the previous gilfriend. its not jealousy hes experiencing its more of a fear not so irrational considering what happened between him and his ex.

Saintly

You need to be clear about one thing. You can talk to your girlfriend, express how you feel to her but ultimately this is a personal difficulty, rather than a relationship problem. You are describing an ott reaction to everyday events. The good thing is that you have identified this as a problem and you want to change your behaviour.

There are helpful ways of tackling jealousy, lots of self help books and simple
online tools : http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/chap10k.htm

Try them. If this is something you want to do alone, take some time out to actively make a change, if you are still struggling to deal with this in a month or two, think about going to talk to a professional counsellor. These kinds of issues are very common and people generally work through them very well, once they are focused and motivated.

Saintly