Mother having Secret Affair

neuro-praxis

If you don't tell your father, you are complicit in his betrayal and humiliation.

lili

neuro-praxis wrote:

If you don't tell your father, you are complicit in his betrayal and humiliation.

you shouldn't put this pressure on her. it isn't her fault nore her business. it's business of her parents. and she doesn't have to judge her parents.
damn!

Zulu

lili wrote:

you shouldn't put this pressure on her.

He didn't - she did!

it isn't her fault

No, but it will be her fault for keeping it a secret - if that's what she chooses to do.

nore her business.

It is her business though. It's her family; her mother; her father. How can you say it's none of her business?!?

it's business of her parents.

It's bigger than that. If the mother made it the parents business (by telling her husband and asking him to keep the kids out of it) then, I might be able to accept that, but she's chosen a different route. She's involved the child, now it's her business.

lili

i will repeat what i said.
that is the private life of her mother. that is the story of her parents.
did the parents talk to their kids about their couple prob?
no.
so, i don't see why OP should take a side.
and i also repeat that what's cooking in a couple is always difficult to judging.

that said, if i was the mother, i would tell the truth and put the things clear.

py2006

Sharza- wrote:

What is it that most of the men on this forum aren't seeing, that most of the women are?

Sorry, I'm just surprised at how this thread has turned out, its mostly women saying to keep quiet, and its mostly the men saying to spill.

What am I not seeing? How come some of you are romanticizing what the mother is doing? (points at Lili).


To me it's clear as day.The mother is cheating, she's having an affair, she's even nasty enough to try get her daughter to cover up for her. LC isn't for another 1year +, which is plenty of time, and the mother is just stalling for any excuse. You are betraying your family by covering up for your mother, and yes it is the family's buisness who the mother is sleeping with these days (while the family is together that is.).

Here, here! I was trying to make the same point earlier in this thread but apparently we are immature and not seeing the big picture!!

It appears some women view a cheating wife alot different to how they would commonly view a cheating husband!

Nevyn

No.
But a lot of people can't see how two people who are parents can stay as parents and living in the family home and be there for the family and still
be a family despite then not being a couple and pursueing partners outside the family home.

aniascor

Have you considered telling your father (or insisting that your mother tell your father), but not giving the whole story to your sibling? Your parents may decide between them to keep the story from your sibling. Even if they don't, a year and a half is plenty of time for your sibling to pick themselves up again in time for the exams. And even if it isn't - repeating isn't the end of the world. At least for the next year and a half your sibling will be at home. After the LC, s/he may be away from home for the first time, and wouldn't be the first person to go completely off the rails and fail out of first year (if in college).

It's quite possible that your father being told about this might force your parents to address the issues in their marriage together, and might even result in a reconciliation between them. (Fair enough - it's more likely they will split up, but remember that's not the only possible outcome.)

I think your mother has to tell your father. That's much better than it coming from you. If not, then the chances of keeping it a secret for the next couple of years are low...now that people know, truth will out...

lili

py2006 wrote:

It appears some women view a cheating wife alot different to how they would commonly view a cheating husband!

which women view? did some women post something which would let you think in that way?

py2006

Thaedydal wrote:

No.
But a lot of people can't see how two people who are parents can stay as parents and living in the family home and be there for the family and still
be a family despite then not being a couple and pursueing partners outside the family home.

Well that might work if the couple split amicably! However, this is a case of a lying, cheating woman who is using her own daughter to cover for her while she continues her affair with her daughters teacher!

I doubt there would any chance of them living together as "parents" rather than a couple after all this comes out!

py2006

lili wrote:

which women view? did some women post something which would let you think in that way?

Not directly, but one can only imagine how contrasting the responses would be if it was the father who was off having an affair with his daughters teacher!

This reminds me of my days off sick from college some years back when I was watching alot of them god-awful American talkshows! I think it was Ricky Lake or something. Most of the shows were about women coming on saying they think their husbands are cheating. The lie detector proves it and of course the audience (predominately women) turn on the husband big time calling him all sorts of names under the sun and rightly so.

However, when the tables were turned and the men came on and got the prove that their wives were cheating the audience sided with the "poor woman"!! If her "husband was treating her right" she wouldn't have to cheat etc etc. It used to drive me nuts!

Anyway, sorry for going off topic!

lili

py2006 wrote:

This is a case of a lying, cheating woman who is using her own daughter to cover for her while she continues her affair with her daughters teacher!

Why are you trying to sugar coat this with words like "pursueing partners"

wonder how it's like in ireland.
no divorce?
or if yes, you divorce first and you meet someone else after?
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

lili

py2006 wrote:

Not directly, but one can only imagine how contrasting the responses would be if it was the father who was off having an affair with his daughters teacher!

why?
explain, because apparently french mentality is not like irish one.

py2006

lili wrote:

wonder how it's like in ireland.
no divorce?
or if yes, you divorce first and you meet someone else after?
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

Divorce was introduced in Ireland a few years back. I think there is a bit of a waiting list by the sounds of things.

People certainly don't wait for a divorce to go though before entering another relationship but most decent, mature people will end a current relationship before entering another!

why?
explain, because apparently french mentality is not like irish one.

Are you familiar with the term "double-standards"? People often give a very negative reaction when they hear of a man who cheats on his wife and lies about it etc and rightly so. However, this thread is about a wife and so it is interesting to see some people almost feel sorry for the woman!

Its just an observation on my part and an opinion I have on such issues!

kravmaga

My opinion would be to tell your father the truth.

If you dont tell your Father its all going to end in tears.

You should not have to carry the burdon of finding out on your shoulders alone and your Mother is blackmaiing you which is inappropriate for a mother daughter relationship.

Anyway if the marriage is over between your parents it will not come as a great surprise to your Father.

Better to have it all out in the open instead of brushing it under the carpet.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Divorce was introduced in Ireland a few years back. I think there is a bit of a waiting list by the sounds of things.

People certainly don't wait for a divorce to go though before entering another relationship but most decent, mature people will end a current relationship before entering another!

ok, i understand now. it's a question of culture.

how do you know if the mother do have still normal relationship with the father?
hmm?
maybe they are just a "façade couple". still together for the kids.
i don't know how old you are, but maybe one day you will have the same dilemme. and maybe then, you will understand.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Are you familiar with the term "double-standards"? People often give a very negative reaction when they hear of a man who cheats on his wife and lies about it etc and rightly so. However, this thread is about a wife and so it is interesting to see some people almost feel sorry for the woman!

Its just an observation on my part and an opinion I have on such issues!

i don't have a double standards for this matter.
i think that the pain is the same wether you are a man or a woman.

py2006

lili wrote:

ok, i understand now. it's a question of culture.

how do you know if the mother do have still normal relationship with the father?
hmm?
maybe they are just a "façade couple". still together for the kids.
i don't know how old you are, but maybe one day you will have the same dilemme. and maybe then, you will understand.

I am 29. Perhaps you need to re-read the original post! The father is unaware that his wife is having an affair. Just because they aren't the best of friends doesn't justify an affair. Clearly they do not have an agreement between them about staying together as a "facade couple" for the kids or the woman would not have to lie about the situation.

I could never "understand" if I was to discover my wife cheating on my with my daughters teacher!

I have never cheated on anybody in my life and if I was to have thoughts of doing so I would end my relationship first out of respect and decency!

lili

py2006 wrote:

I am 29. Perhaps you need to re-read the original post! The father is unaware that his wife is having an affair. Just because they aren't the best of friends doesn't justify an affair.

I have never cheated on anybody in my life and if I was to have thoughts of doing so I would end my relationship first out of respect and decency!

of course i know that the father is unaware, otherwise what we would discuss here?:)

so, you would end your relationship with your wife.
that is what i tryed to understand when i asked :
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

py2006

lili wrote:

of course i know that the father is unaware, otherwise what we would discuss here?:)

so, you would end your relationship with your wife.
that is what i tryed to understand when i asked :
or if you have met someone else, you just exchange some talks with him/her and then decide to live together?

Ok, if you want to continue this conversation PM me as we are taking over the thread and the mods will lock this thread and I don't want that to happen to the OP.

Yes, I would end relationship with my wife (if I had one) if I felt one or both of us was unhappy in the relationship.

I simply cannot and wont understand people who will cheat, lie, manipulate others regardless of consequences and how they hurt the people around them just for a bit of fun. (who knows thats all it could be). Its not necessary. Some people have no respect for others at all. I feel sorry for her husband and children. She doesn't deserve them.

Ok, rant over!

lili

py2006 wrote:

Ok, if you want to continue this conversation PM me as we are taking over the thread and the mods will lock this thread and I don't want that to happen to the OP.

Yes, I would end relationship with my wife (if I had one) if I felt one or both of us was unhappy in the relationship.

I simply cannot and wont understand people who will cheat, lie, manipulate others regardless of consequences and how they hurt the people around them just for a bit of fun. (who knows thats all it could be). Its not necessary. Some people have no respect for others at all. I feel sorry for her husband and children. She doesn't deserve them.

Ok, rant over!

i don't think that the mod will shut the thread because explaining what a couple of something 25 years commun life is like, is directly linked with the subject of the thread.
you can't throw a stone to a woman which is unhappy with her couple life and which is living something strong right now. it's the same for the men anyway.
the best would be that she divorces and put the things clear.
the prob is that she has kids. and apparently she want preserve the family united until the young daughter reach her 18 years and finish her study in this school in peace. she kept the secret for one year but unfortunately hapenned what's hapenned.
we have to definite what is cheating here.
cheating is when you abuse of the confidence of your partnair. in this case she doesn't abuse as they aren't a true couple. the husband expects nothing from his wife and vice-versa.
now for the daughter, i think personately that she shouldn't enter in this. it's her mother business. you don't stop to live because you're a mother, you're also a woman.
for the husband, this "no-life" just fit to him. if not, he would have tryed to live something else. but apparently "so confused" said that the father don't have a secret life.
by the way the finality will be the same. be aware or not will change nothing.

Nevyn

I really doubt the father does not know the mother is dating/seeing someone.
Really the signs tend to be a bit obivious.
He may not know who it is and that could be to him reacting badly to that news.
Yes, the lady in question does need for the situation to be transparent and for
it to be disscussed like grown ups in a rational manner but that is not always possibe.
We all keep things from people we love for them not to be hurt or until a time when they can cope with them.
End of the day it is the Mother's affair and she has to learn to manage it.
What ever the OP's feelings are she has to learn to deal with them and not lash out because of them.

Zulu

lili wrote:

i will repeat what i said. that is the private life of her mother. that is the story of her parents.

...and I'll repeat what I said: It is her business; it's her family; her mother; her father. The mother involved the child when she asked her to lie.

did the parents talk to their kids about their couple prob? - no.

fiar enough, but I'm sure they didn't involve the children be asking them to lie/cover up for them. There's a difference here you are refusing to acknowledge.

so, i don't see why OP should take a side.

She's not ...unless she keeps it a secret. If she does what the mother askes, she's taking the mothers side. :rolleyes:

lili

Zulu wrote:

...and I'll repeat what I said: It is her business; it's her family; her mother; her father. The mother involved the child when she asked her to lie.
fiar enough, but I'm sure they didn't involve the children be asking them to lie/cover up for them. There's a difference here you are refusing to acknowledge.
She's not ...unless she keeps it a secret. If she does what the mother askes, she's taking the mothers side. :rolleyes:

so what? she her mother, does it affect her love for her daughter?

what is a lie?
does the father asked his daughter if the mother is cheating him?

what is a cover?
does the mother ask to the daughter to invent a story to the father when she go with her amant?

edanto

I think it does affect her love for her daughter - maybe I'm just too young to 'understand' , but I think that putting your daughter in such an uncomfortable position for the sake of a bit on the side is deeply unfair.

Let's just imagine the tables were turned. The OP gets a text from her Dad, meant to be sent to her siblings teacher Miss Hotpants, saying 'Oh dahling, I kan't wait for our necst meeting in the bike shed'. The OP approaches her Dad about this and Dad explains that things haven't been going so well between him and Mum, but now isn't the time to bring this out in the open, it's best to just keep it a secret between them. Until after the June 07, when the OPs sibling will be out of the school where Miss Hotpants is teaching.

What would the advice be then? Would Dad been seen as a loving father? It might sound like I'm trying to condemn the mother here, but that's not really my point. It's more that I think keeping a secret like this from half of the family, that affects all of them, will do more damage in the long term.

Serious things are meant to be talked about, not hidden. Yes, it will cause a sh1tstorm, but the fear of that may be enough to make Mum end the affair until she can deal responsibly with the state of her marraige.

Zulu

lili wrote:

so what? she her mother, does it affect her love for her daughter?

Excuse me? What's your point? I never suggested that her mother loves her any less, or that this affects her love for her daughter.

what is a lie? does the father asked his daughter if the mother is cheating him?

Don't be so naive. The daughter knows, if the father finds out the daughter was complicit in this for over a year he is going to feel horribly betrayed. I don't think an excuse like "well sorry Dad, you never asked me was Mum having an affair!" will wash. :rolleyes:

Hippo

So Confused, I guess we all owe you an apology for letting this thread go round and round in circles. I've re-read your original post, and it sounds to me like you really want to tell your father and that you strongly resent your mother putting pressure on you to stay silent. I think this is the right thing to do, as your conscience seems to be leading you this way anyway, and by doing so you are being straight with everyone involved, which is all anyone can ask of you. Of course there will be consequences but this is totally unavoidable, and sometimes outcomes are not as bad as we anticipate. At least everyone will know where they stand.

Good Luck

The Sweeper

My attitude would be the same if it was the father having an affair. My original advice not to tell the father was based on the influence the revelation would have on the youngest sibling. My opinion would have been identical if I'd read that the father was having an affair with at teacher at the school.

Similarly, now that the OP has told three other people - friends or otherwise, I think the OP needs to tell the mother that he/she has told other people. This secret now has legs, and the fact is that right now at the time of posting, the OP can simply have no idea how many people now know that his/her mother is having an affair with the teacher at the local school.

You need to tell your mum that you've told other people, then duck and cover for the fallout - because you've effectively moved her into a position where she now has to tell your father.

Asiaprod

lili wrote:

so what? she her mother, does it affect her love for her daughter?

Yes it does, she asks her daughter to cover for her to the daughter's father, Thats not love for the daughter, thats fear of being found out IMO or fear of not being the one to tell the father the truth thereby loosing control of the situation

lili wrote:

what is a cover?
does the mother ask to the daughter to invent a story to the father when she go with her amant?

No she does not directly, but using emotional blackmail she ask the daughter to turn a blind eye to the situation which is the same as inventing a story since the daughter DOES know and is not being honest to HER father IMO

And you may not like this, but as a man, believe me that no matter how smart this woman thinks she is, men are not stupid and I will bet the father already knows, or suspects the situation.

lili

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

My attitude would be the same if it was the father having an affair. My original advice not to tell the father was based on the influence the revelation would have on the youngest sibling. My opinion would have been identical if I'd read that the father was having an affair with at teacher at the school.

Similarly, now that the OP has told three other people - friends or otherwise, I think the OP needs to tell the mother that he/she has told other people. This secret now has legs, and the fact is that right now at the time of posting, the OP can simply have no idea how many people now know that his/her mother is having an affair with the teacher at the local school.

You need to tell your mum that you've told other people, then duck and cover for the fallout - because you've effectively moved her into a position where she now has to tell your father.

agree.

po0k

lol @ YORE. MA.

LegacyUser

So Confusing, if you dont mind me asking, would the school this man is teaching in be in the clondalkin area of dublin? no need to answer if you dont feel comfortable with it

Sharza-

lili wrote:

agree.

So now you do think the OP should tell the father? lol.

lili

Sharza- wrote:

So now you do think the OP should tell the father? lol.

i know that my english is not that good. but could you please tell, what, in this post suggests what you said?

BigCon

If I was the op, I would give my mother 1 week to tell my father of the affair or end it, if she refused to do either, then I would feel I was left with no other choice but to tell him...

koneko

lili wrote:

i know that my english is not that good. but could you please tell, what, in this post suggests what you said?

You quoted MAJD's post and said "agree". MAJD said her original opinion of "don't tell the father" was based on the fact that only the mother and daughter knew about this. Now other people know the secret, and it will grow legs and eventually more and more people will know about this, she advised the OP to talk to her mother, who should be telling the father about the affair (before he finds out from someone else).

py2006

BigCon wrote:

If I was the op, I would give my mother 1 week to tell my father of the affair or end it, if she refused to do either, then I would feel I was left with no other choice but to tell him...

Yea, I agree with you! There is no way I would be forced to keep something like that a secret from my father.

Lets hope the OP does this and doesn't fall for some of the "romanticised" crap that some of the posters have posted here.

lili

koneko wrote:

You quoted MAJD's post and said "agree". MAJD said her original opinion of "don't tell the father" was based on the fact that only the mother and daughter knew about this. Now other people know the secret, and it will grow legs and eventually more and more people will know about this, she advised the OP to talk to her mother, who should be telling the father about the affair (before he finds out from someone else).

it's what i understood then. but it's the mother which has to take the decision.
anyway she has no choice, it's nomore a secret.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Lets hope the OP does this and doesn't fall for some of the "romanticised" crap that some of the posters have posted here.

the prob, is that you don't have idea on what you're talking here.

Zulu

lili wrote:

the prob, is that you don't have idea on what you're talking here.

...well you're hardly displaying a wealth of knowledge on the subject yourself. You seem incapable of acknowledging the fact that hiding this for over a year from her father may have a negative impact on their relationship.

lili

Zulu wrote:

...well you're hardly displaying a wealth of knowledge on the subject yourself. You seem incapable of acknowledging the fact that hiding this for over a year from her father may have a negative impact on their relationship.

that is her private life. if there is nomore love between them and they stay together for the kids, i can understand the situation. the best would be she ask the divorce but seems she want the young daughter out of this story until 2007 for the reason she gave.

Zulu

lili wrote:

that is her private life...

You've mentioned that again, and again. I don't see it as simple as that.
Do you agree that what she is doing impacts the family unit?
If so, do you not agree that as the daughter is a member of the family it also includes her?
If not ...well then we've clearly different views on a family.

If a spouse has an affair, it's the business of the husband, wife, and lover.
If the spouse asks a child to "cover" of them, it's the business of the husband, wife, lover, and child.

lili

i think that if you can't understand that you could be a mother and still have your own life as a woman, you will not understand what i'm telling here.

i would maybe understand you if this couple was a sain couple, full of love and then we could talk about "cheating". but it's not the case.
do you know what would be the reaction of the father if he knows the affair?
no?
me neither.

Hippo

lili wrote:

i think that if you can't understand that you could be a mother and still have your own life as a woman, you will not understand what i'm telling here.

For hopefully the last time, this is just not the point, it's not what's being talked about. Can we all just stop now?

Zulu

lili wrote:

i think that if you can't understand that you could be a mother and still have your own life as a woman, you will not understand what i'm telling here.

Of course I understand that.
But you refuse to acknowledge that as a parent you have extra responsibilities; as a spouse you have extra responsibilities. Once you have a child, you involve another person into you're life; once you marry you involve another person. That is the reality of the situation.

Naturally you can run around doing what or whom ever you wish and claim that it's your "life"; your "business", but unfortunatly that won't protect others around you from being hurt; that won't stop your actions from impacting others lives.

i would maybe understand you if this couple was a sain couple, full of love and then we could talk about "cheating". but it's not the case.

They are husband and wife none the less; they are a family. She is cheating. There is no way you can dress this up as otherwise Lili, so please - don't try.

do you know what would be the reaction of the father if he knows the affair? no? me neither.

I don't, but I'll bet my right arm he's not going to be happy. Care to disagree with that assumption?

lili

but zulu. what does it mean?
that you should be at 40 years old like you were at 20 years old?
that you have to be prisoner in your marriage all of your life, even it's nomore a real couple life?
that when you have kids, you do nomore have personal life, nomore sexual life, nomore hope?
we are in the 21 century. it's time to wake up.

lili

Hippo wrote:

For hopefully the last time, this is just not the point, it's not what's being talked about. Can we all just stop now?

talked about what?
if the OP should say to her father or not?
if she thinks that her father will be happy to know it, if she thinks that the situation will be better and if she would feel well after it, then she has to do it.

py2006

Guys, can we end this! There is no getting through to Lilli! Cheating obviously isn't a big deal for her! Lets leave it at that before they lock this thread!

koneko

Why do I get the distinct impression lili isn't speaking theoretically, but almost defensively (like she was in a similar situation). Apologies if I'm wrong, but that's the way it comes across. Either way it isn't helping the OP.

OP, I don't envy your situation, it must be really tough, talk about a rock and a hard place. Now you have told others though, there is more to this, and I think you should discuss that with your mother. I know she wants to keep this a secret for now, but it's a little more complicated and it's quite possible your dad will find out about this, if more people know.

lili

py2006 wrote:

Guys, can we end this! There is no getting through to Lilli! Cheating obviously isn't a big deal for her! Lets leave it at that before they lock this thread!

you see this woman as a cheating woman. i see her as a woman in love, which do nomore have affection from her husband. which certainly live badly this situation as she looks depressive according on what said her daughter. who i am, me, for judging her?

dudara

This thread has grown arms, legs and other appendages, and I want it brought back on topic right now. Or else...

8 pages!!