Dear oh dear

Pauly26

Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present
stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these
boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more
responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd
make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around
2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust
the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent
by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But
perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from
legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop
breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like
to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife naked. He
hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian
wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia
have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never
been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars.
T Barnham, London

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for
the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly
took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't
this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me I
wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out of my
bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it up the
side with a key.
Christina Martin

I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming the
new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured pole
position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping them.
Bernie Eccles-tone will have to think again.
Aardvark Mansell

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was
confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On
the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor sod's
face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull

I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
sticks.
Stan Herschel

I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on
the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off
buying the product.
Mark Mayhem

Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye Potato
Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude
swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no
better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to spell out
'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How long are the
frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
Billington Smyth

My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things
I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done. I
wish they'd make their ****ing minds up.
Arnold Shoes

'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the
Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see
that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off with her you
would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've
both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the
water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
Mason, Rumpunter

The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not
good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has
the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only
dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley

Karoma

Arf!

Roffle!

DEmeant0r

haha some very good ones there

the_syco

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from
legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop
breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Funny cos its true.

StupidLikeAFox

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian
wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
Anon

Classic!

Capt'n Midnight

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Paladin

Some classics

TerrorFirmer

Everytime I think about the one with the Matador and the lucky penny I giggle like a schoolgirl.