does she love me?

LegacyUser

Ok sorry its a long one. ended up dating best friend a few years ago. she was not out and didn't know what she wanted. i fell for this girl v hard and she for me too. she couldn't deal with coming out so we had to keep it secret. she eventually broke it off but over a couple of years we had several relapses. all the while in secret from friends of ours. basically she told me on a number of occasions that she loved me ect. but it was things too hard to deal with ect. anyways a few months after we broke up she met a guy and was with him in front of me. it devastated me. i couldn't confide in friends as they didn't know and i couldn't out her. I was messed up big style and after awhile i had to get away from her and friends. we stopped talking and had no contact.

Long story short she texted me after two years of silence on friday wanting to meet up. i couldn't go as i had plans. This whole relationship is about7 years old. since her i haven't been able to be with anyone properly i love her and i always will. gtting over it was so hard and when i finally feel a bit normal again she is back in my life and wants to talk to me. I don't know what to do.

Stark

I can imagine how devastated you felt when you saw her kissing another guy in front of you. In truth, I think she showed great disregard for your feelings at that point. You really need to find out the real story from this girl. Is she willing to commit wholly to a lesbian relationship? After 7 years, it's time for you two to be able to confide in people regarding your relationship. It will be difficult but it's what the relationship needs to survive. You can't go on hiding and you can't have the spectre of "what if she ends up with a guy for convenience sake?" hanging over you.

Hmm_Messiah

anyways a few months after we broke up she met a guy and was with him in front of me. it devastated me.

On this point:-I can get how it would devastate you, but its also something any one might experience, their recent ex, for whom they still care, with their "next" etc. I am just wondering if you think she had much choice in how she behaved, giving that you and her was such a secret - would it seem strange to others her not being with her guy and her friend(you) at same time?

Other than that I really get how you are. I've a similar story though nothing to do with being out, basically a real relationship when private and alone, a friendship all other times . The common bit I guess is some one not able to be open about what was happening. Every time things settled there would be a phonecall, or a text, or just a memory grrrr.

I think for 7 yrs you need to decide is there something here incomplete that you at least need closure on. If so meet her and be determined to find that closure. If its been too hard and hurt too much , tell her that. Simply and well bluntly. IF the idea of "trying again" or "seeing what happens" comes up I think Stark is right, if you're open to that INSIST that its a real, open and acknowledged thing.

As for never been the same with any one since, I understand that too . But for your own happines you'll have to realise something. This flawed relationship is heavily weighted on you loving her. Open yourself to the opportunity of some one loving YOU, and don't worry about what feelings you still have for her. Just see some one, and enjoy the simple pleasures that involves.

And people do change: maybe after two years you'll find a more open , happier person able to be in a real rship, with you.

Best of luck.

mountainyman

she doesn't love you. she isn't gay. don't waste your youth on this woman.

find someone who is already gay and fall in love with them.

MM

Boston

To the OP, obviously you haven't moved on from where you where, maybe meeting up with her would give you some closer. YOu need to not sleep with her though, as relapses like the ones you've had in the past, are very unhealthy, they leave you paralised, unable to move on.

mountainyman wrote:

she doesn't love you. she isn't gay

You don't know any of that.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies. Heard from some mutual friends today that she hit the bottle in major way when i removed myself from the situation, We couldn't have ended on worse terms 2 years ago. Now she is real keen to get in touch. At the back of my mind i keep thinking she wants to come out to me, i came out to her all those years ago. I honestly believe now, like i did then that she is gay and unable to deal with the reality.

I am hoping the time has made her understand. She knows how devastatingly in love with her i was why would she contact me if there wasn't something important to say? Head is just wrecked. Can i really risk the progress i have made in my life without her?

mountainyman

NO do not get involved with this woman. You are kidding yourself about her being gay it is called wishful thinking.

Hmm_Messiah

Can i really risk the progress i have made in my life without her?

Only you can answer that.

Are you also asking yourself "can i risk not seeing her and not knowing the "what ifs" of some possible future".

And I've no idea how mountainyman is able to decipher your wishful thinking and determine some-one he doesn't know is not "gay". As if gay was a little box you tick anyway. If in your heart you believe past feelings were real, and reciprocal in as much as circumstnces allowed, I think you should try hear what she has to say. For yourself .

mountainyman

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

And I've no idea how mountainyman is able to decipher your wishful thinking and determine some-one he doesn't know is not "gay".

Well only a small minority of people identify as gay. A larger proportion might be happy in homosexual relationships if the distinction between heterosexual and homosexual relationships was value neutral.
This is not the case.

The OP must ask herself why she is even considering waiting for this woman and so on. Why has she created effectively an unattainable love object.

The advice is not categorical but on the balance of probablilities it is most likely to lead to happieness.

MW

dory

Go for it. At least talk to her. You need to hear her out if you're that in love with her.
Ignore the nay-sayers.Do what your gut tells you. Do you want to see her again? Personally if I loved someone regardless of what happened in the past I'd at least meet them for coffee.
And maybe the scoring with a guy in front of you thing is something she regrets? It might have been to tell you to go away when she really wasnt ready. You'll never know til you go find out!

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone. If it was just a fling i'd move on but because we had four relapses in three different countries my brain is wrecked. everytime we met again (longest gap was nine months) we clicked again straightaway when re united, there was no weirdness it was just perfect. During our last relapse i asked what the hell was going on and she said that she couldn't live without me. i stuck around and gave her space hoping she'd be able to deal with things in her own time then i just got pushed away slowly. Eventually it all came to ahead and we sort of agreed that we shouldn't be around each other and that was that. So that brings me to here, i have been living day to day trying to get her out of my mind for 2 years. There hasn't been a peep then i get a text that she wants to meet up. I know for a fact that she wouldn't meet me for nothing, she knows the effect she has on me...

thanks again. Just confused. Keep thinking this is the thing i was tld years ago, if she loves you let her go and she will come back if its meant to be.

Boston

Unreg0699 wrote:

thanks again. Just confused. Keep thinking this is the thing i was tld years ago, if she loves you let her go and she will come back if its meant to be.

Well thats a fairly tale, I can't help but feel that something which is meant to be, wouldn't have a series of break ups. Maybe it's just easier being together then apart, and thats why you keep going back. You can't really judge how much you feel for this person, if you have tunnel vision. I'd bet if you moved onto someone else, you Ex would suddenly be in a whole different light.

damien

I'm sorry but I'm going to not go out of character here so I'll be blunt: Grow up.


Yeah, love, great fantastic, violins, moonlight walks on beaches etc. We have all fallen in love and many of us know what rejection is but we move on, some faster than others but you obviously haven't and any time you get back together with the ex the cycle starts again.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me and to add another cliché: if you sit on a thorn you must enjoy the pain.

You can sit and write unrequited love poems every day for the rest of your life or you can face reality and realise nobody is that special, it's only your mind that makes them that way so you don't have to make the effort of finding someone new or opening yourself up to the potential of getting hurt by another. There are actually others out there that can make you equally or even more happy.

People have give good advice and support but your repies are clearly of the type "No, you don't understand, I'm special, I'm better than that, she really wants me but there must be some hidden reason."

So again, grow up.

Until you want to accept this you're just going to keep going round and round wallowing in your own self-pity/delusion.

lucernarian

Damien is right in parts. Certainly you need to learn your lesson and leave this woman well alone. I think that love is not something to belittle but to fall in love with someone 5 times, or at least restart feelings is simply too much.

If you two were meant for each other then why can you two not maintain the relationship? If someone does not want to go public about their sexuality, it should have no bearing on love. Going public about your sexuality won't cnange you as a person. Coming out is not all it's cracked up to be. Your lifestyle so to speak may change but your feelings essentially won't. This is why I think your friend does not really love you. Basically I agree with Liouville's point.

Damien, love is not an age-exclusive thing. "There are none so blind as those who cannot see."

damien

To_be_confirmed wrote:

Damien, love is not an age-exclusive thing. "There are none so blind as those who cannot see."

Ah, but maturity and age are not mutually exclusive either.

Hmm_Messiah

Until you want to accept this you're just going to keep going round and round wallowing in your own self-pity/delusion.

I got the impression she was moving on to considerable extent and then this other would re-appear again. I am very familiar with this scenario. I don't sit waiting for this person, far from it.

Other than that what Damien says is true except...
of course there is the fairytale love, the potential of some one who is "it", with whom you have a relationship that would not be equalled by others. When you experience that its not so lightly disregarded by logic or sense.

Its also possible that the other person was just "not ready" other times. People speak often of that here regarding coming out etc. Also they were younger, maybe silly, maybe even selfish. All the flaws in a relationship don't lessen the reality of that relationship.

At the same time it is as likely that she's flogging a dead horse and needs to move on as you say. At this moment she can then do that 2 ways: not making the contact and being unsure how often she'll relive some fantasy of possiblities, or making contact with the view of it being closure, hearing things she obviously needs to hear (unless she finds wow - the other is ready to be open and committed to a rship)

The poster has said they were able in the past to realise the need to be away from each other, and had no contact for a good length of time. I think she is being more adult that you are giving her credit for. And as an adult there is no limit to the depth and complexity of feelings you experience with some one.

There are people I disappointed more than once; I'm glad they left the door to fship etc ajar rather than shut.

It is possible, I hope, to not give up on people, while at same time learning to protect yourself.

mountainyman

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

It is possible, I hope, to not give up on people, while at same time learning to protect yourself.

The other person isn't even gay so the whole construction of them as love object is derived solely from wishful thinking on the OPs part.

MM

mountainyman

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

It is possible, I hope, to not give up on people, while at same time learning to protect yourself.

The other person isn't even gay so the whole construction of them as love object is derived solely from wishful thinking on the OPs part.

MM

Hmm_Messiah

The other person isn't even gay so the whole construction of them as love object is derived solely from wishful thinking on the OPs part.

I never made any reference to the other person being gay, though how you can determine what terire orientation is beyond me. They have had a relationship, I don't see a need to categorise it . THe only wishful thinking I can see is your apparent delusional notion that you know the truth in a subjective matter between two strangers.

At least my God complex has some basis :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I just wanted to come on and say thank you so much for all your help. I also wanted to update you on the events. I went and met the ex i was teling you all about and after some awkward moments and several drinks, she came out and told me that she is gay.

We had a very long talk about the whole thing and we are taking it one day at a time. We are seeing each other again but as i said we are taking it very slowly, things are out in the open with friends too and its odd but they are being supportive. I love this girl and she says she loves me so I can only hope we go the distance. Just wanted to thank you all again. All the best.

LegacyUser

Wonderful news! No matter what happens in the future you made the right choice in my opinion. The next time i raise a glass it will be to your happiness. All the very best.

Shellie13

Big congradulations!!!

Unreg0699 wrote:

We are seeing each other again but as i said we are taking it very slowly, things are out in the open with friends too and its odd but they are being supportive.

Know i'm a bit late but i read the post and was thinking "if she's ready to tell friends that'l clinch it!"
So good luck and fair play to botha ye!

Shinners23

I'm delighted for the two of you. I have to say I was in a similar situation but it was me in fact who was not prepared to come out. I really didn't expect her to. It is a very difficult thing for anyone to do so far play to her.

Best of luck to the two of ye!