how many chances do you give a cheater?

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this....I am going out with a guy for the last 6 years. I have found out recently that he has cheated with at least 3 girls. They weren't one nite stands they were complete relationships. For example he saw one girl for 7 months in total.

He has also always maintained that he's only had a handful of sexual partners however the last girl he cheated with said he told her the number was 30+. his type of work means he travels alot during the week which means he can easily see people when he's away.

my question is, do i give him another chance? he says he loves me and is serious about us but how could he be if he's been with other people. he is in his 30's and i am in my late 20's.

Rev Hellfire

He sounds like a serial cheater to me, just dump him. Better doing it now than waitting for cheat number 4 to arrive (assuming it hasn't).

The simple fact is a relationship is built on trust and respect. He has no respect for you and you rightly should have no trust in him.

manonthemoon

Leopard?

Spots?

Ummm no , come on do you really even need to be asking us this?

Iago

Everybody deserves one chance, you can sometimes find yourself in a situation that you weren't looking for and aren't strong enough to get away from..however that is only true in a once off situation.

If it's a relationship thing then you should break up with him. If he's done it multiple times you should break up with him. if there is any doubt in your mind as to his feelings for you, you should break up with him.

My personal opinion, if I was seeing someone who had a single "pseudo-relationship" with someone else behind my back then I would break up with them immediately, I might forgive someone a one-night stand as long as I was sure it was a once off.

That's just my opinion, only you know for sure what you're happy or unhappy with in your life.

LegacyUser

Also gonna go unreg for this

I was a serial cheater, I cheated at every chance i got, And the girls never had a clue what was goin on, I would get away with murder, I know how shallow it was and I knew how much of a c*nt i was becuase of this, Untill one night under the influence of something he sat me down and drilled me about my life, How i acted and how i came across to most people, I know how the serial cheater's mind works and it's not pretty, If he's done the dirt on you already there is basically no chance, Golden rule is 3 strikes your out, If you've already givin him a chance he should be in debt to you, Leave him before he hurts you anymore,

Happy to say I've been with a Wonderful girl for 15 months and i've never been happier, Were both head over heels in love with no thoughts of doin the dirt, Loose that Zero and get with a Hero!!!!

Blub2k4

I'd imagine that there are three other women out there who could possibly have posed the same question about you at some stage, i.e. does he love me, he says he does, did they even know about you?
Personally I'd have finished it after one........

SoupyNorman

Get outta there. He sounds like a Serial cheater, you will only end up looking like a complete fool if you take him back.

Do you know how we all laugh at people on 'Trisha' or such a programme. You know the way it goes.....man has lie dectector test, fails suprisingly enough..says hes gonna change,says he loves the woman..audience boos and hisses.Do you believe the man on 'Trisha'. Apply your problem to the same format!

BoozyBabe

Me personally:- Chances:- NONE!!!!

I trust my bf's 100%, no questions whatsoever.
Once they break that trust:- game over.
I cant be in a relationship where I'd be constantly wondering "is he going to cheat again" etc, etc, etc........

Once trust is gone, a relationship is doomed.

If you were me, I'd walk away & not waste another second on him, but maybe that's just me.

LegacyUser

yeh you're right i guess. it's just 6 years is a long time to me.. :-( he seems so sincere but then he can't be really can he..

kizzyr

None plain and simple. If he has done it once (and he obviously has) and you take him back and forgive him then he will do it again and again and again each time taking away more of your self respect, pride, confidence etc etc and eventually you will be a shell of your former self. I am in a relationship with my boyfriend now for almost 7 years and we have always said that the one thing that would be totally unforgivable and we could never come back from is cheating. Even at this stage if I found out that he had even kissed another girl while with me never mind sleep with or have a 7 month relationship with I couldn't handle it. It will be hard for you to end this but really for your own sake you need to get rid of someone who thinks so little of you and has such little respect for you. Good luck:)

Beruthiel

what do i do wrote:

he says he loves me and is serious about us

ya, sure he is.
in fact, so serious about you that he's quite happy to shag other women and not think twice about how that might effect you

but how could he be if he's been with other people..

if I were you and this happened to me, I would have dumped him as soon as I heard about the first time he did that.
Life is very short, why you would waste your precious time on someone who doesn't care about your feelings is beyond me.
There are plenty of wonderful, faithful men out there who will care for you a lot more than this waste of space ever will.

Zulu

what do i do wrote:

yeh you're right i guess. it's just 6 years is a long time to me.. :-( he seems so sincere but then he can't be really can he..

Well he probably is sincere, but thats not to say he won't do it again.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE/]
if I were you and this happened to me, I would have dumped him as soon as I heard about the first time he did that.
Life is very short, why you would waste your precious time on someone who doesn't care about your feelings is beyond me.
There are plenty of wonderful, faithful men out there who will care for you a lot more than this waste of space ever will.[/QUOTE]

Thanks beruthal. i heard about the 3 girls at the same time and i did tell him it was over. that was a few months ago and he's still after me to get back and try work it out.we live quite close and so i see him regularly whther i want to or not.

The Corinthian

what do i do wrote:

Going unregistered for this....I am going out with a guy for the last 6 years. I have found out recently that he has cheated with at least 3 girls. They weren't one nite stands they were complete relationships. For example he saw one girl for 7 months in total.

Reading from your post I’d say so, but are these during your relationship?

If so then he will not remain faithful in the future, simple as that. He will cheat again. What you decide given that is up to you. Personally I'd move on.

If you are only discussing his relationships prior to you, then he could well be entirely faithful. Even the more incorrigible of philanderers are entirely faithful with the right woman.

He has also always maintained that he's only had a handful of sexual partners however the last girl he cheated with said he told her the number was 30+. his type of work means he travels alot during the week which means he can easily see people when he's away.

If a man or a woman has had 100 sexual partners before one is irrelevant. It’s how many partners they have during one’s relationship that matters.

Shabadu

Go to couple's therapy together if he's honestly claiming to want to change. If he's not willing to seek help, then he's probably a hopeless case. I don't believe he'll be able to overcome temptation without outside help at this stage. Good Luck.

fenris

I think trust and respect are key to a real relationship, unfortunately it looks like you canot trust him any more than he can trust himself, as for respect, his actions convey very little respect for you which to me makes his levels of self respect moot.

Verdict: Ditch him, never look back. The main value to be gained from that relationship should be never to put up with that again. Would you make the same excuses for him if he physically abused you also? To my mind you look like you have started down the line of being "the girl who walks into doors" on an emotional level. - did I mention - get out now

LegacyUser

when i met him 6 yrs ago, he told me he'd been with a handful. the 3 girls he cheated with have been through out the time i went out to him and now his number of sexual partners is 30+.

so a) he either lied to me when we originally got togther about the number of partners
or
b) he's been with quite a few while he's been seeing me.

you'd never know to look at him. he seems like a perfect gent, always very affectionate and sex life is great.

i have asked him staright out about the partners thing and he won't answer me. I have also asked him whther there are other girls i'm going to find out about and he always says no.

fuzzywiggle

None

The Corinthian

Whether he’s done so three or thirty times is ultimately pretty irrelevant as the reality is that he will cheat on you again. Guaranteed. Couples therapy is not going to change this.

what do i do wrote:

you'd never know to look at him. he seems like a perfect gent, always very affectionate and sex life is great.

If on balance you are willing to put up with it, and some women do, then do so. Otherwise move on sooner rather than later.

Crucifix

what do i do wrote:

when i met him 6 yrs ago, he told me he'd been with a handful. the 3 girls he cheated with have been through out the time i went out to him and now his number of sexual partners is 30+.

so a) he either lied to me when we originally got togther about the number of partners
or
b) he's been with quite a few while he's been seeing me.

you'd never know to look at him. he seems like a perfect gent, always very affectionate and sex life is great.

i have asked him staright out about the partners thing and he won't answer me. I have also asked him whther there are other girls i'm going to find out about and he always says no.

Maybe 27+ is a handful?
Ditch him I say.

nobodythere

Don't be an idiot. He'll do it again.

ianmc38

Send him a text message:

Welcome to dumpsville. Population you!

Rogueish

Move on.

Whay would you put yourself through the emotional torture of wondering if he is cheating on you everytime he travels for work.

He is refusing to answer your questions. Another sign that he is less than willing to enter into a relationship based on total honesty. He says that there are no other girls thatyou are going to find out about. That does not mean that there are others out there that you are not going to find out about.

What Beruthiel says is so very true

There are plenty of wonderful, faithful men out there who will care for you a lot more than this waste of space ever will.

Hold your head high and find him. You are worth so much more than this loser.

Hermione*

From experience, no matter how much you like him or how long you've been together, he's not worth your time. And you'll only find somebody who deserves you if you leave him.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies

chump

I personally doubt it was 3...
Once he got over the guilt of the 1st one (max. two) I'm sure any question of morality was already answered.

It's strange though as you were likely perfectly happy for the 6 years even though he was always carrying on behind your back... do you wish you never found out? Or are you happy you've found out and the truth is out?

I'd dump him twere I you.
But you could just go on with life, train your mind not to be bothered by his cheating and get on just as well as you have in the last 6 years...
Maybe even enjoy the odd fling yourself.

LegacyUser

chump wrote:

It's strange though as you were likely perfectly happy for the 6 years even though he was always carrying on behind your back... do you wish you never found out? Or are you happy you've found out and the truth is out?

I think i would rather find out now than when i had children and a house with him. but it's not nice to find out all the details of what he's been up to.

chump wrote:

But you could just go on with life, train your mind not to be bothered by his cheating and get on just as well as you have in the last 6 years...
Maybe even enjoy the odd fling yourself.

I've never cheated on anyone i went out with and am not about to start. I am not the type of girl to put up with any kind of messing about. he knows that. I clearly outlined that to him when we got together and told him what exactly constituted cheating to me.

I want to have the same respect given to me as I give to him. he says he's sorry. But you're all right. he'll most probably keep doing it.

CathyMoran

I would give someone one chance then that would be it.

Sony

I wouldnt expect to get ONE chance - hes exactly the type that gives men a bad name-sickens me to read that post,hope its not for real but im thinking it is!:rolleyes:

simu

He sounds like a right snake in the grass tbh. I say dump!

CathyMoran

Sony wrote:

I wouldnt expect to get ONE chance - hes exactly the type that gives men a bad name-sickens me to read that post,hope its not for real but im thinking it is!:rolleyes:

I would have felt the same until it happened to me - my then partner cheated on me when he was going through a VERY bad patch in his life...it took me years (and a lot of persistence on his part) before I took him back. As far as the case with the OP, no, I would not take him back. I am sure that he may be faithful some day but not with the OP.

Sony

CathyMoran wrote:

I would have felt the same until it happened to me - my then partner cheated on me when he was going through a VERY bad patch in his life...it took me years (and a lot of persistence on his part) before I took him back. As far as the case with the OP, no, I would not take him back. I am sure that he may be faithful some day but not with the OP.

Definitely not no, he sounds like a disgrace to his sex !

What I meant is that I wouldnt "expect" ONE chance , everyone makes mistakes and maybe some people do deserve to get a second chance in certain cases but deffo not this one-think we're all agreed on it anyway!

Procrastinator

what do i do wrote:

Going unregistered for this....I am going out with a guy for the last 6 years. I have found out recently that he has cheated with at least 3 girls. They weren't one nite stands they were complete relationships. For example he saw one girl for 7 months in total.

He has also always maintained that he's only had a handful of sexual partners however the last girl he cheated with said he told her the number was 30+. his type of work means he travels alot during the week which means he can easily see people when he's away.

my question is, do i give him another chance? he says he loves me and is serious about us but how could he be if he's been with other people. he is in his 30's and i am in my late 20's.

God, I feel for you because I used to be you. Cliches aside, forget about all the 'kick him to the kerb', 'hero' speak. Think about this:
What exactly does 'going out with someone' mean to you?
Does it mean that you have a companion, that's reliable, that at least can be there on the other end of the phone when you ring for advice or chat.
Does it mean feeling comfortable in someone's company.
Does it mean having a mature sexual relationship with someone you like, and who likes you and is mutually satisfying?
If the answer is yes to any of these, then logically you cannot define what you have with this guy as a relationship. You are not 'going out with' him.
Strictly defined you are having an ongoing casual and intermittent sexual relationship with a guy that you don't really trust, and who has no more interest in you than he has in any other woman he might meet casually while travelling.
He is not a partner in any sense of the word, at least its clear that he doesn't see you as such.
Are YOU happy?
Does he make YOUR life better than it would be if you were not seeing him?
Are you happier because you know him; are with him; see him? I suspect your answer is no.

Think about what you want from a realtionship, be brave and make your decision.
Good luck.

AngryAnderson

:eek:

Seriously, some of the over-analysis here. Dump him. Have some self-respect.

LegacyUser

I have plenty of self respect, thank you very much.he's the one that doesn't.

Procrastinator - i doubt the last 6 years has been a casual thing for either of us. It was a little more than that and he did propose.

thanks for the helpful advice everyone

Ruu_Old

Sorry OP, looks like you have been played the fool. Get out while you can or you will be only more hurt. Serial cheat is right

AngryAnderson

what do i do wrote:

I have plenty of self respect, thank you very much.he's the one that doesn't.

I don't doubt it. That's why I can't see why there's any doubt in your mind. The fact that he's been with you for 6 years AND is able to casually screw about means that, although it might not be a trivial matter for you, it is for him. Either that or he's really dumb/naive/heartless. Find someone more deserving and don't waste your time with this loser.

In general?
If it was a horrible mistake, drunken or otherwise, etc etc then one or two chances. Deliberately done with little remorse? Zilch.

Are you happy with him knowing he's cheated and will almost, if not certainly, do it again? If not, dump him now.

LegacyUser

for a min there, I thought I was posting.....

about 9yrs ago I was going out with a girl for 6ys.....but I was seeing another on the side for about 10months. The girl on the side didn't know about my current gf, for 9 months and 30days and on the 31st day when she found out I got sprung.

My gf found out...needless to say there was a lot of crap for a month or so, but we felt we had a good few years together and we decided to give it another go.

There were circumastances that allowed me to stray at the time and made it easy..thats all I'll say.
9ys later we are now married with 2 kids and I haven't cheated since....

I'm not speaking for your bf and say he would do the same, but after that I didn't have the opportunity to cheat again as I did before or lets just say it wasn't as easy, but if he still travels a lot for his job, there is a risk he will again.

Your choice....

Lex Luthor

Sony wrote:

Definitely not no, he sounds like a disgrace to his sex !

What I meant is that I wouldnt "expect" ONE chance , everyone makes mistakes and maybe some people do deserve to get a second chance in certain cases but deffo not this one-think we're all agreed on it anyway!

A disgrace to his sex.....are you for real?


I find it strange people have to come on here and ask this sort of question....this is a decision you should know in your heart already...and if you are asking us, then I'm guessing you are thinking of not splitting up.

Best of luck

xXxnaoisexXx

do NOT stay with him.... once a cheater always a cheater

Chucky the tree

i think you should stay him. YOu have to ask yourself, will you find a better guy?


and judging by your Opening post, i seriously doubt you will.

I know I should probably read the whole thread, and read the story.. but ..

You shouldn't give someone who cheats any chances whatsoever.

up for anything

what do i do wrote:

my question is, do i give him another chance? he says he loves me and is serious about us but how could he be if he's been with other people. he is in his 30's and i am in my late 20's.

If you have to ask this question you have as little respect for yourself as he obviously has for you.:rolleyes: If you stay with him you deserve everything he puts you through in the future. Apart from anything else you need to get yourself to an STI clinic and get thoroughly checked out.

*Lolly*

what do i do wrote:

Going unregistered for this....I am going out with a guy for the last 6 years. I have found out recently that he has cheated with at least 3 girls. They weren't one nite stands they were complete relationships. For example he saw one girl for 7 months in total.

He has also always maintained that he's only had a handful of sexual partners however the last girl he cheated with said he told her the number was 30+. his type of work means he travels alot during the week which means he can easily see people when he's away.

my question is, do i give him another chance? he says he loves me and is serious about us but how could he be if he's been with other people. he is in his 30's and i am in my late 20's.

Dont know how old this thread is but had to reply and my answer to your question is........... NONE Any excuse he throws at you
i.e "Oh god i was so drunk i didnt even know where i was nevr mind who i was with"
There is no excuse for it... Just pure infidelity plus is he lies about it when question well... Then its pretty clear all he cares about is gettin his bit about town..
Im not saying everythin ive ever done has been whiter than white but when its happened to me and ive welcomed a seond chance it always comes back and bites you in the ass...
At that stage i was always Hell Bent on REVENGE which may make you feel impowered, in control and ready to move on, but at the end of the day it will make you bitter inside and thas when the paranoia kicks in...
If i were you id give him the boot FOR GOOD
He's not worth it hun, You can do better.. So get your best outfit on, nicest shoes and prettiest lipgloss and get lookin!!!

StandnDeliver

well it sounds like this predictament i found myself in
this guy i knew lives with gf going out with her 3years but was shagging this other burd.so i told the other burd he had a gf via someone else.
Now he has cheated on his gf 4 times i know off,he even told me he had chicks ringing him,and well in the end his gf found out again about his cheating.
He spun her a tail yet again she took him back and now hes laughing at her calling her the regular lay....

so the question i would ask yourself op is do u want this?

Hail 2 Da Chimp

Kick him to the kerb!!!!!

he's obviously not worth the hassle!!!

Either that of maybe you should stay with him and get another boyfriend?

Whatever you choose... make sure to keep us posted!

*Lolly*

StandnDeliver wrote:

well it sounds like this predictament i found myself in
this guy i knew lives with gf going out with her 3years but was shagging this other burd.so i told the other burd he had a gf via someone else.
Now he has cheated on his gf 4 times i know off,he even told me he had chicks ringing him,and well in the end his gf found out again about his cheating.
He spun her a tail yet again she took him back and now hes laughing at her calling her the regular lay....

so the question i would ask yourself op is do u want this?

Lol call me a hypocrit over whati said regarding revenge before........
But if this guy spun that sh"t on me he'd be one sorry mo-fo.......
Castration and all!

Hail 2 Da Chimp

*Lolly* wrote:

Lol call me a hypocrit over whati said regarding revenge before........
But if this guy spun that sh"t on me he'd be one sorry mo-fo.......
Castration and all!

OOOOoooowwwwwwww.......

your scaring me!!! :eek:

*Lolly*

Hail 2 Da Chimp wrote:

OOOOoooowwwwwwww.......

your scaring me!!! :eek:

Good!