Parenting, orphans, breaking up with my girlfriend.

LegacyUser

I am a mean person, that why I'm writing this thread. Just thought I'd clear things up first and foremost.

My girlfriend for 4 and a half years whom I am totally devoted to is in a crisis situation. Not life or death but a crisis non the less.

I'll give you guys the history. Hopefully I won't give her identity away.

She is the eldest of 6 children. The youngest is aged 11. She has just completed her masters and has a great stable job. Her father is a recovering alcholic who is no longer living at home for the past 10 years (legal seperation, as well as a barring order on him). Her mother has recently died at a very young age with cancer. She is only 22.

The next 2 girls in line to her have boyfriends and children and are off living their own lives. The next girl is living abroad and is impossible to get along with. The next boy has just completed his 1st year at college and is doing "so far so good" and is living in the home with my girlfriend. Just the 2 of them.

Times are tough, but thank god my girlfriend has a good job and can keep things above water for the two of them.

The will is not completed and the mortgage is on hold and the mothers other accounts. The solicitor is taking ages.

Now to the meat of the problem: The youngest is living next door with his Aunt and Uncle and their 3 sons, whom are all older than him. He goes every weekend to stay with his father - the recovering alcho.

He has recently become unhappy where he is and is not willing to live there any more. He is a very kind kid and very considerate. For reasons I won't go into, he will not stay at the uncles (I hope this can be resolved, but for now it won't be).

He has little options. He could live with his father which would go against the mothers wishes as well as other family members. The father would grow tired of him (I know this as he is just one **** up after another, recovering alcho's can be all about "themselves").

The other option is to live with my girlfriend and his older brother... which leads to my quandry. I am still at college, about to finish my stuff. I am on the verge of breaking up with my girlfriend. I will not live in her family home when I'm finished, I hope to get my own place. And the plan was to bring her with me. But if option 2 goes ahead, which looks likely, I can't stay with her. I'll be 31 by the time the kid even gets to college. I don't want a single mom (granted she is not a mom, but that would be her new role).

So what I'm looking for in this thread is perhaps options. Options for her and the kid and will I be involved in her life here after.

Yours,
Mr. Miffed.

Beruthiel

Mr. Miffed wrote:

I will not live in her family home when I'm finished, I hope to get my own place. And the plan was to bring her with me. But if option 2 goes ahead, which looks likely, I can't stay with her. I'll be 31 by the time the kid even gets to college..

so basically what you are saying is that you intend to tell your g/f to choose between you or her little brother who has no stable adult but her to look after him?
leave her now, you obviously don't care enough about her to do whatever it takes to stay with her. You know you are too young to deal with this, seems the best option for everyone.

Rogueish

Whether your GF leaves the familty home or not she is still going to be the 'mother figure/ significant adult' to her brothers. So you still will not have her to yourself. There is an emotional and familial bond that will supercede anything that comes along until those two young men are emotionally and financially independant. If you are going to continue your relationship with her you will have to come to terms with this fact and realise that your relationship will not be the idealised stereotype that I think that you have in your head.

Your GF is a very mature and sensible young woman with a very well developed sense of family responsibility something which I admire greatly. If you are looking for a free and easy girlfriend without responsibilities you had better leave her. She would be much better off.

You've said that you won't live in your girlfriends family home when you have graduated. I don't see you having said that you were asked to??? What is wrong with you getting your own place, and still going out with the girl? It would probably work out better for her as she will have a place to go i.e. your place, to see you and get a break from her family. Both of you would get private time together. Or is getting your 'own' place only a option with her financial input??? If so........ you're in for a rude awakening.

You seem far too young on an emotional level to be able to cope with these responsibilities. It may be better to take a step back for a while before coming to any decisions.

ionapaul

I'm not sure it is fair to say he is 'too young on an emotional level' to cope with the responsibilities he sees in front of him - it may simply be that he is unwilling to accept such responsibilities thrust upon him! If I put myself in his situation I can relate - if I were to have a child, at the ripe age of 29, yes I would be happy to accept the responsibility of it all. However, at the moment I am perfectly mature and yet unwilling to get involved in a complicated situation that would adversely affect my current carefree life. I think that is a completely natural outlook to have and not dependant on emotional maturity or lack thereof!

Rev Hellfire

I'm with Beruthiel on this one.
You should certainly 'dump' her now, since it seems you're less interested in her needs and wants than your own.

LegacyUser

Four and a half years later together. I'm shocked by the comments but I understand the logic behind them. They have actually brought me to tears. I don't want to loose her. We have been through hell together. Her fathers constant battle with her son. Her mother dieing for over 3 years in a slow and drawn out case. Finiancial problems which I have helped with. She has no other close friends other than me. Her exams, my exams... everything, we always helped each other out! But this is another step!

She doen't want to be the kids mother figure. She loves him to bits but is not prepared to take him on. Today there will be a meeting between her, him, the father, other siblings and the uncle and aunt.

Perhaps it would be the best thing for her if I did cut our relationship. But, "It may be better to take a step back for a while before coming to any decisions." I will wait and see.

CrazySka

The guy just doesnt want this whats so wrong about that? I dont think its selfish of him to want to continue toward the kind of life hes planned for, it might be a bit cold but would it be better to get into a life he simply doesnt want to have?
if i think about it i dont think i would want to do it myself, itd take a level of sacrifice that maybe hes just not prepared to give. tough situation though maybe tell her its too much for you say youl be there for her as a friend if she needs it but your just not ready to map out the rest of your life likethat. it gonna be tough and you will be seen as a b***ard by everyone involved but you simply cant do something thats gonna make you unhappy.

seamus

You need to weigh up the postives with the negatives here. "It doesn't fit into my plan" is no way to make any decision. You will get nowhere in life if you attempt to stick to a rigid plan.

While moving into her family home may not be ideal, there are huge benefits over attempting to buy your own place, namely;
The mother's life assurance policy *should* cover the mortgage, so the house is paid for.
If you live there, you don't pay rent, but you do cover some of the bills. Either way, it's far cheaper than having your own place with a mortgage.
Assuming you want to stay with this girl, the house is also a possible stepping stone - how will the mother's will divide her assets?

LegacyUser

She has asked me on a few occasions to move in. I don't know why, but before all this I just wouldn't feel right. The girl that is abroad is coming back soon enough. She is impossible to get on with. She would need a whole other thread to go into. When she is home she gets on with no one and is as paranoid as hell. She will not speak to certain members of the family. And has terrible mood swings. If I moved in she would get wind of it and would be very displeased.
I'm talking about moving in here but at the same time I have made no decisions. I will talk to my girlfriend in a while and hopefully an arrangement of some sort will be put into place, be it good or bad...

The house will be covered by the insurance, whenever that legal mess ends.

I would like to have my own house soon. I've seen far too many breakups...

kittenkiller

You don't have to move in with your girlfriend as soon as you finish college.
maybe she's not in a suitable state of mind to make such a drastic change at the moment either.
4 and a half years is a long time to just throw it all away & so I see why you're even more reluctant.
Give things some time to settle down for all of you.
It seems like everything's up in the air at the moment.
As her boyfriend you need to be there for her right now. Think about the future some other time when things are more settled.
Sure if you two end up together for the long haul you might be glad you had some time to live as your own man instead of moving her in as soon as you finished college.

Give it some time, nothing about your situation seems particularly urgent, so don't go making any hasty decisions.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

kittenkiller wrote:

Give it some time, nothing about your situation seems particularly urgent, so don't go making any hasty decisions.
Best of luck.

I'm in Dublin at the moment and she is back home in {insert towname here}, away. I'm on the home stright with exams at the moment, so this couldn't have happened at a worse time. I will give it time tho.

Here is what happened today:
My girlfriend got help with the people she works with and one of them was leaving so I advised her to go to this instead of going to the home meeting. It was a mutual agreement, and she went to the going away do. (I must stress that the going away was for someone very important to her)
So she arrived home. The uncle's wife was not happy with how the kid left. They were in the middle of going thru prayers for his confirmation. She is a very religious person. (Infact too religious for my liking, but all the same no harm). Anyway the kid was annoyed about these prayers, as they weren't part of the school work and he saw no point to it. So he goes to his home house and waits for his father to collect him. (I'm backtracking so please bear with me). So she wants an apology from the kid and thats where the whole thing where the kid wants out. Probably the straw that broke the camels back.

Nothing was resolved at the meeting today except that the uncle's wife said at one point that he is not allowed to move back in. The confirmation is on this weekend. Who will stand behind the kid is an issue. I think that she is a good woman and is doing this as a scare tatic... (probably too harsh a word).

Anyway, here is my view on things. The father is barred from the house. The kid wants him back in the house. As long as the kid thinks this he will try his best to bring the family back together.
Also the religious aunt in law wants the family back together. Because she believes in forgivness and all that.

Hell would have to freeze over before the father would be allowed to stay at the house. It was in the mothers last wish that the child would live with her father. So far my girlfriend and 2 of her Aunts own the house.

At this point I will say that I have the greatest pity on my girlfriend and what her mother went through. I blame the father totally for all this mess. Infact I'd say he is putting thoughts into the kids head when they are together. I say this as the father is trying legally to get back into the house.

I'm sorry if the above is messy, there is just so much to tell and I'm cloaking the story a bit, just incase. (not that any of them use the internet...)

I'm so mad right now, I feel like laying into the father. I barely know the man. He has never provided anything for my girlfriend. At this point I'm still with her, and will stay like this until things are resolved. I am fighting to get the kid back with the aunt in law. Its the best thing for him in my opinion.

I understand that blood is thicker than water.

Beruthiel

lord that sounds like a total, horrific mess.
I think the best you can do is tell your g/f that you are there for her, but do your best not to get too involved in the family mess, i.e. leave it to her to see what she can do herself.
The aunt in law sounds like a fruit loop and the little brother is too young to see the mental games his waste of a father is playing on him.
There probably is no easy solution for this one apart from seeing how it all pans out. Get on with finishing your studies and taking care of yourself and leave things as is for a while. After your studies are over you can re-think the whole situation. If at that stage you still don't think you can do it, then my first advice still stands
good luck

takola

I think you leaving your girlfriend now would be disastrous, from what i can see you're the only person she seems to have outside of family and thats really important atm.

I know you're probably losing patience with it all, but try to stick by her and support her. She needs you alot more now i would say.

Also, these things will work themselves out. They always do. You just gotta be patient. And like beruthiel said, dont get too involved. Listen to your Girlfriend when she needs to talk, offer advice where you can but dont get too caught up in it.

But one more thing, someones already said this and i know im only repeating, Your girlfriend is going to be a "mother" figure for that little boy regardless of whether you like it or not. Maybe you need to think about him in all this too. What it must be like to have lost his mother like that and now to see that his family are arguing over who keeps him?? How would that make a child feel?

As i've said, stay and support your girlfriend, Its obvious you love her from your previous posts. Everything will work itself out in time.

Goodluck

Rogueish

OP, I'm just after reading the rest of your posts and I'm sorry if I came on too strong.

I have been in a similar situation as your GF in trying to keep a 'family unit' together I understand much of the strain she is under and at times she resents the weight of responsibility that has been placed on her shoulders yet wants the best for herself and her siblings.

There is nothing you can do except be there for her as a sounding board and as a time out from her family. I think that moving into an atmosphere that there is at her home at the minute would not be good for either of you. I still think that you getting your own place close by her is a better option (if you are planning on finding work within commuting distance of that vicinity). You will be there but not in the throes of it all.

Focus on your exams first. Whichever way things go you'll need to get good grades to get that career you want. When they are over you can take stock and see what is best for both of you. It may be a case that you will continue along the same vein that you are for a while. You working in Dublin (or wherever) and going home at weekends or as often as you can for now. Not the most auspicious of plans but it will give the situation time to get sorted and then you can see what is the way forward for you both.

Zombrex

I might be wrong, but I'm not sure the sister can just take the 11 year old to come live with her. Well I mean obviously he can just go and live with her, but that doesn't mean she suddenly becomes his legal guardian.

They might have already done this, but your girlfriend and the rest of the family need to get legal advice asap on who has the legal right to be guardain to the boy.

Your sister might not have this rigth (I doubt it with her father, aunt and uncle still alive), and as such it would be a very dangerous idea to have him come live with you (she might have no legal protections over him what so ever).

LegacyUser

Mr. Miffed wrote:

The other option is to live with my girlfriend and his older brother... which leads to my quandry. I am still at college, about to finish my stuff. I am on the verge of breaking up with my girlfriend. I will not live in her family home when I'm finished, I hope to get my own place. And the plan was to bring her with me. But if option 2 goes ahead, which looks likely, I can't stay with her. I'll be 31 by the time the kid even gets to college. I don't want a single mom (granted she is not a mom, but that would be her new role)

Well if you intended to live with her before all of this came about, you must love her. Right?

Wrong. Shes hit a crisis point and you want to jump ship. I can understand what a burden this will be, and how daunting it all is, but you are being rather selfish. If this frightens you, imagine what it might be like for her. Don't you think it might be a lingering though in her head that you might opt out?

I'm just happy that she didn't have the responsibility of the child since infancy, that would have been a severe shock to the system for her.

After 4 and a half years, if you would drop her just like that? Do her a favour and finish with her. You would hardly make 'for better of for worse' material with that attitude.

gamer

if you are not ,in love after 4 years,its time to break up,let her find someone who is ready to commit, or be honest with her i say ,i,m am concerned, dont wanna be a stepfather say,hes, 14, chances are he will leave you whens he,s 18 ,it sounds to me you are not in love,just in a good relationship,having fun,but not ready to take on extra responsibilitys.Its more honest to break up now, before she moves in with you, to thine own self be true ,as the saying goes.

Esel

gamer wrote:

if you are not ,in love after 4 years,its time to break up,let her find someone who is ready to commit, or be honest with her i say ,i,m am concerned, dont wanna be a stepfather say,hes, 14, chances are he will leave you whens he,s 18 ,it sounds to me you are not in love,just in a good relationship,having fun,but not ready to take on extra responsibilitys.Its more honest to break up now, before she moves in with you, to thine own self be true ,as the saying goes.

Did you even read the thread?

The boy is making his confirmation. That makes him about 11, not 14. The OP is thinking of moving in with his girlfriend, not vice-versa.

gamer

you have the option of renting flat near gf ,if you can,t bear to live in with a single mother,type scenario,if you are not,totalled committed after four years, in love,then its better to break up,be4 moving in with anyone.