Problem teenager HELP

DOK

Hi,

My wife and I are at our wits end with our 13 year old daughter. She is constantly in trouble at school and also at home. This is causing unbelievable stress in the home and we need help soon.
She has been visiting a councillor for the past 8 months and is now with a child psychologist - just after her second session.
What we want to find out is if anyone knows of any summer camps like "boot camp" that are available in Ireland or the UK.We would like to get her into the FCA but she can't join until age 16.

If anyone has any advise please give .

ST*

DOK wrote:

She has been visiting a councillor for the past 8 months and is now with a child psychologist - just after her second session.
What we want to find out is if anyone knows of any summer camps like "boot camp" that are available in Ireland or the UK.

Hi - your daughter has only had two visits to the child psychologist so far. Ask her psychologist what is the best thing to do here. I doubt he/she will advise sending her to any kind of summer 'boot camp'.

Teenagers generally believe that their parents are 'against' them. Shipping her off anywhere will only be met with resentment towards you and your wife. The psychologist will encourage you both to reason with your daughter, (I'm sure you do) but make sure she knows you both care and worry about her, re-open lines of communication. You said she is getting into trouble at school, and the psychologist will try work out what the problem is exactly. You know she is not just a 'bad kid', patience and more sessions with her psychologist is key here.

luckat

My only tip on teenagers: mol an óige agus tiocfaidh sí - if you praise her when she does well (in small ways at first), it works a lot better than criticism.

What kind of trouble in school? Do you know her friends' parents? Sometimes if a kid won't talk herself, the friends' parents might know what's going on and be able to give you some idea.

Gaspode

As a parent of a troublesome teenager (15yo boy) I can empathise with where you are at. I can only agree with the previous 2 replies.
I would also add though that you must remember you are powerless to change your childs behaviour - all you can do is change how you react to that behaviour. (Sounds easy but believe me its not, its hard to let go of the anger and hurt you feel when they upset you and everyone in the house yet again.)
But really, it is the only way it will work.
Other tips:
Set only a few very basic rules for them (i.e. the ones concerning safety) and be rigid on them if these rules are broken.
Dont sweat the small stuff, its not worth the row - try to reduce the amount of time spent in 'punishment' mode.
Keep communication lines open - even if its just a few minutes chat in the car or in front of the TV - she still craves love and attention like all children and needs to know she can talk to you.
Praise the good things she does, particularly if others are around to hear.

I would recommend you (and your partner) attend a parenting course - it can help enormously. Contact Barnardos or check in local schools for info.

layke

Being a problem child back in my hay day (and I was a little terror).

I would heartily reccomend an outlet for your daughter. Karate helped me an awful lot. It might not be her cup of tea but try and find somethig she will enjoy doing. The FCA is a fantastic idea IF your daughter wants to do it. I know back then when my family made me do something I didn't want to do I did it badly and just didn't try at all.

BrianCalgary

Not knowing the whole situation or whether this will help.

A friend of mine when his daughter was 15, she went through a phase. My friend came to the conclusion that if it didn't hurt, wasn't illegal and wasn't immoral he just had to sweat it and love her. He started taking her to lunch and dinner, just to listen to her. Their relationship improved immensely, she is now 25 married with two beautiful children. Mind you she only ever showed love to others when I was in her companyand only caused her Dad and Mum consternation.

Your daughter could be doing this as a way to get your attention or to test the boundaries and rules.

All the best.

Beruthiel

How well do you know her dok?
As Brian suggested above, bringing her out for dinner or lunch by yourself is a great idea.
I often hop on a bus with my daughter, go into town and eat a nice dinner somewhere. In such a relaxed place she always opened up and we'd have great chats.
You don't get the same sitting at home over the dinner table.
One on one is far better and yourself or your wife should do the above, I don't advise going as a family for the moment because if she has to face both of ye, she will not open up.
Speak to her as if she was an adult, tell her stuff about yourself and the things you got up to as a kid. Eventually you can get around to the conversation on why she thinks she should act the way she does.
Explain to her how much it hurts you that you seem to not be able to be the good parent she needs, ask her what she thinks should change.
Do this over a certain amount of dinners, not all in one go. If you come across like this, she might be able to see you as more on her side than 'the enemy'
How are things at school with regards to friends? I believe there must be a reason for the way she's always getting in trouble, it's not coming from nowhere.
When my daughter was 13 she started hanging out with a girl that was already drinking and having sex. I think my daughter looked at this girl and thought she was cool. I explained that this poor girl must have a very sad life and didn't get on with her parents, her self esteem must be gone and she had a terrible need for others to like her, seeking attention where ever she could (daughter couldn't believe how I guessed so right ). I
never told her to stop seeing her (though it's what I really wanted), if I had, she'd have gone the other way. Not long after that, she stopped hanging out with her.
I think with teenagers, it's all about how you interact with them.
Find out what she likes, my daughter is big into Manga, so I'd get the movies and we would sit and watch them together.
Start to learn what's she into and encourage it.
best of luck

Spliffany692000

Hey

I was a problem teen, and the way my parents dealt with me was...they grounded my sorry ass for months and took my phone...had to be back from school at a certain time and all!! It worked for me...im a complete swat now!!
Im kinda glad they done it...Im a different person now and I have a real chance in life.

Remember....cruel to be kind!! Good luck!!

Beruthiel

oh indeedie grounding can work a treat

andrew1950

DOK wrote:

Hi,

My wife and I are at our wits end with our 13 year old daughter. She is constantly in trouble at school and also at home. This is causing unbelievable stress in the home and we need help soon.
She has been visiting a councillor for the past 8 months and is now with a child psychologist - just after her second session.
What we want to find out is if anyone knows of any summer camps like "boot camp" that are available in Ireland or the UK.We would like to get her into the FCA but she can't join until age 16.

If anyone has any advise please give .

Before i would say anything on advising you in what sounds like an extra frustrating situation, I would ask the following, is it only in the last six to eight months that this extreme behaviour has started to be a problem at home and in school or has your daughter always been harder to parent say from the age of 4. If they answer to my question is part 2 then you are contending with more than erratic hormonal behaviour. If you pm me i have an avenue for u to follow

froggy_7

Sorry Andrew1950, I might seem a bit nosey here, but why has this "avenue" got to be privately given in a pm? This is a public forum that might help people in the same situation... Your choice of big words such as erratic hormonal behaviour worries me slightly: what is your expertise in this area and what are you going to offer to these parents? They are already addressing the issue with professionals. If you have legitimate suggestions to give them, please avail of this public platform to do so. I do not want to seem rude, but I have often seen people weakened by stressful situation and being taken advantage of.
Thank you for understanding my concern.

Nevyn

froggy_7 if their was an issue with the above post then one of the mods for this forum would have dealt with it.

If you think there is a problem with any post and think that the mods have not seen it yet
then please use the report post button which is
rather then dragging a thread off topic.

You appear to be new to boards.ie so welcome
I suggest you do read the charters of the forums you post in as each forum is not the same
and would suggest that you also have a look that the FAQ which can be found here
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=98

Thaedydal

daveg

deswalsh wrote:

As a parent of a troublesome teenager (15yo boy) I can empathise with where you are at. I can only agree with the previous 2 replies.
I would also add though that you must remember you are powerless to change your childs behaviour - all you can do is change how you react to that behaviour. (Sounds easy but believe me its not, its hard to let go of the anger and hurt you feel when they upset you and everyone in the house yet again.)
But really, it is the only way it will work.
Other tips:
Set only a few very basic rules for them (i.e. the ones concerning safety) and be rigid on them if these rules are broken.
Dont sweat the small stuff, its not worth the row - try to reduce the amount of time spent in 'punishment' mode.
Keep communication lines open - even if its just a few minutes chat in the car or in front of the TV - she still craves love and attention like all children and needs to know she can talk to you.
Praise the good things she does, particularly if others are around to hear.

I would recommend you (and your partner) attend a parenting course - it can help enormously. Contact Barnardos or check in local schools for info.

Best advice I've seen posted on boards in a long long time.

MammaTina

My brother went to a parenting course in the Clarion in Liffey Valley last week - said it was fantastic! They do teen courses too. The link is on another page in this site.

Chatterbeast

Beruthiel wrote: »

How well do you know her dok?
As Brian suggested above, bringing her out for dinner or lunch by yourself is a great idea.
I often hop on a bus with my daughter, go into town and eat a nice dinner somewhere. In such a relaxed place she always opened up and we'd have great chats.
You don't get the same sitting at home over the dinner table.
One on one is far better and yourself or your wife should do the above, I don't advise going as a family for the moment because if she has to face both of ye, she will not open up.
Speak to her as if she was an adult, tell her stuff about yourself and the things you got up to as a kid. Eventually you can get around to the conversation on why she thinks she should act the way she does.
Explain to her how much it hurts you that you seem to not be able to be the good parent she needs, ask her what she thinks should change.
Do this over a certain amount of dinners, not all in one go. If you come across like this, she might be able to see you as more on her side than 'the enemy'
How are things at school with regards to friends? I believe there must be a reason for the way she's always getting in trouble, it's not coming from nowhere.
When my daughter was 13 she started hanging out with a girl that was already drinking and having sex. I think my daughter looked at this girl and thought she was cool. I explained that this poor girl must have a very sad life and didn't get on with her parents, her self esteem must be gone and she had a terrible need for others to like her, seeking attention where ever she could (daughter couldn't believe how I guessed so right ). I
never told her to stop seeing her (though it's what I really wanted), if I had, she'd have gone the other way. Not long after that, she stopped hanging out with her.
I think with teenagers, it's all about how you interact with them.
Find out what she likes, my daughter is big into Manga, so I'd get the movies and we would sit and watch them together.
Start to learn what's she into and encourage it.
best of luck

That's the best bit of advice i've seen in ages. It's so important to not make your child do something they don't want to do. You'll get what's known as "opposing forces" basically meaning the more you push, the more they'll push back. Try to find out what makes them tick, what they're into and share it with them. Best of luck anyway.

shoegirl

I wouldn't push her down the direction of a "boot camp" as I suspect in the culture we live in, this would badly exacerbate the problem. You might want to look at what messages are being sent out, how you live yourself, and what kind of needs she is trying to fulfill by "rebelling." Perhaps she is still being rewarded for bad behaviour? Take the phone, don't give her pocket money if she is being unreasonable. That would at least disable her from being up to some mischief.

littlebitdull

Another two year old thread resurfaces?! Wonder how he and his now 14 year old daughter are getting on?