marriage troubles

LegacyUser

my wife's been depressed lately (IMO)- she also has been going out with her friends all the time but never wanting me there. also we haven't gone out together in months.
anyway I've been hassling her about this and was told to bog off. So after 2/3 months I relaise there is something wrong and I need to know - so i do the reilable and read her text messages....wrong perhaps but I was geting nowhere with the standard enquires....

so i find a lot of texts from some guy i don't know...a bit flirty...not a hanging offense but in her sent items are texts to him very explicit and in great detail about what she wants to do to him....

so I go mad and confront her...she denies everything says he is a mate and it was only messing.
I'm a tad freaked cos the text implied stuff had already happened.

anyway i don't believe her denials....I have moved to a mates house for the moment but I've worked hard to get our house togther and we also have a 4 year old child.
Should I bother try save things....I feel like I'm on my own...she just rages about me spying on her.....although we have been civil in recent days to each other,
she has told me I can move back in - to the spare room - if i want

But it was good till 5 months ago. I thought we were happy. i feel like leaving now wouldn't be good cos she is depressed (although it doesn't excuse cheating) and I love my daughter and it would break my heart to live away from her.

Anybody been here done that???

Spliffany692000

Hey

I dont know anything about marraige because Im not married...infact Im still in school...but Iv been told I have a wise head so keep reading if yor intrested....

I dont blame you for reading your wifes txts...you wanted to know what was going on and you asked her...she said nothing. You were concerned!! I would of done the same thing mate! I dont see how you had to move out of your home (supose your a gentleman) because she is the one in the wrong. If she went out alot...i hate to break it to you but it sounds to me she was meeting up with her fancy man!!

The terms of you moving back in...there a bit harsh but why dont you give it a try if it doesn work out Im sure your friend will let you back at his place. But if you love her and want to safe the shambles of a marraige then move back in. Dont smoother her or youll just upset the apple tart (as my dear mother use to say) give her some room and see how things go. IMO I think she is a totaly cow for what she has put you through but it seems you still love her. I dont know what you think of this advise but its wat I would do if I was in your shoes.

Also...why should an innocent child have to suffer a broken home because of a mistake?

अधिनायक

I am married.

You come across as passive. Why isn't she in the spare room? Sometimes people behave like children and just need some boundaries laid down. You could ask her to go along to a counselling service like MRCS to try to discover what's wrong in your relationship. Young feminists will disagree with me here but I don't know any woman who could love or respect a man who fails to put her in her place when she is clearly in the wrong.

Slinking off is no answer. You should be strong and calmly shame her into an apology for putting your family's future in danger while she feeds off her emotions, shrieking denials and tries to counter with irrelevant rubbish about her privacy.

I can see that you don't see this behaviour enough to make you leave her and lose your child and of course you are right. But it can't happen again and it will if you don't lay down the law.

Skyuser

Don't move back in unless she changes a few things that you mentioned above. If she doesn't want to, then she obviously doesn't wanna bother with you.

Nevyn

I would said it is not about being a man to put a woman in her place it is
being an adult with respect for yourself in your relationship.

Why would you have to be the one to move out ?
If she is unhappy in the relationship and in the family home then she should look at moving out and on.
If what is happening is a symphom of her own issues or issues in the relationship then it can be worked on.
Why should you move out of the family home if you want to be there and be
an active everyday part of your daughters life ?
You should move back in but you should insist on couples couselling or at least mediation to set new ground rules.

LegacyUser

i do agree with you...I am being a bit passive - i keep thinking about going mad and venting...but venting is gonna push us apart more. i'd rather part on good terms for our kids sake or stay together without making it more difficult

just spoke to a good friend of hers and she swore to me that my wife never mentioned being with the other guy.
Not really 100% proof but she would be a confident of my wife's and i felt the friend was genuine.

deep down i do love her and i guess that's why i'm making the effort

Ickle Magoo

Why was she telling you not to come out on the night outs? Why hadn't you been out in months? why was she going out all the time? She told you to bog off?! If my husband did any of the above there would be serious ructions - if I then found out he'd been cheating on me he'd be out on his ear....even if he'd been joking about cheating on me, it would take a lot of work from him to convince me not to leave him....

Those points aside, from your post your wife is most deffinately in the wrong here....the point about you snooping in her phone is a bit like me stamping my foot that my husband is wrong to snoop in my bag when I'm confronted with the hotel room receipts he found in it.....even if the phone texts are just flirting, it's innapropriate & disrespectful....either way she owes you an explanation & an appology & so why you are being made into the bad guy here is a bit of a mystery to me....instead of appologising & begging you to stay & promising to work hard to set things right, she seems to be angry with you......

Would you consider attending couple councilling? I don't think your issues are going to disappear & it doesn't sound like you two communicate very well - so maybe a third party intervening would help steer things in the right directions? Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

being an adult with respect for yourself in your relationship.

True. i do have respect for myself and I'm not being treat as a doormat. I'll fight for my right to be treated properly. And I am well able to stand my ground. I'm trying to save my marriage and i guess I don'twant to get into mud slinging - which happened the first day....it's not gonna solve anything

Thaedydal wrote:

Why would you have to be the one to move out ?

Dunno just needed to fix my head.

Thaedydal wrote:

If she is unhappy in the relationship and in the family home then she should look at moving out and on.

if it goes belly up I'll be fighting for custody and the house etc...maybe a lost cause in this **** hole of a country but the stand will be taken. That I guarantee....but i'd rather fix things instead and hit def con 4 later

Thaedydal wrote:

Why should you move out of the family home if you want to be there and be
an active everyday part of your daughters life ?

I am there the outside work hours. I only sleep at my mates. I know eventually I'm gonna have to start living again.
Also if we split i'm not gonna live like a hermit - i'm gonna try meet somebody else - even have a few 1 night stands(!!) but for the moment I'll see.

Thaedydal wrote:

You should move back in but you should insist on couples couselling or at least mediation to set new ground rules.

yeah reckon we'll have a big chat at the w'end. couselling is a must - even if we split


Thanks for listening

seamus

Even if nothing has happened yet, it would seem from your description that it's heading that way. I know plenty of good male and female friends do the whole faux flirting thing, but it's generally never explicit nor constant. It's very easy to tell the difference between messing and leading someone on.

As best I can see it, you may need to go to a marraige counsellor or have a good proper chat about it. There's something definitely wrong on her side - whether she's bored or feels trapped or whatever - so it's not going to change until you both can find out what's broken, so you can try to fix it.

Esel

Thaedydal wrote:

..You should move back in but you should insist on couples couselling or at least mediation to set new ground rules.

Just to clarify: mediation is used when a couple are separating, to help them to sort things out amicably.

Blush_01

I'm not married either (not for a long time please!), but a friend of mine went through something similar a few years ago. He was married, had a young child and his wife cheated on him a number of times. He moved out and found somewhere nearby to live, had joint custody of the child, spent plenty of time in his old house that he continued to pay for etc. It took him ages to get over her because he really loved her (and despite being angry, still does, I'm pretty sure.) I met his child, who seemed like a great kid, but had obviously been effected by the split.

If your wife is depressed, she needs to deal with it. But depression and cheating are two very different things, so you already have more than one problem to tackle. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is how much will you put up with and where will you draw the line. To be honest, your wife sounds like she's behaving like a four year old herself. Now, I know we're only getting your side of the story. I also know that if I do get married I won't be able to stay in a relationship with someone where I'd hide something as trivial as text messages from the person I share my life with, because I'd bloody trust them and expect them to trust me, before I made that kind of commitment. I get privacy. I also believe that if there's nothing to hide, then there's no problem. Your spouse is supposed to be your life-partner. Not a convenient sexual partner or someone to share the bills with. If you have problems, you expect support from someone you've made such a massive commitment to. If you can't communicate those needs to that person (although the most successful couples I've seen, including my parents, seem to have an almost telepathic bond when it comes to the big things) then you have to work on that immediately, if not sooner.

Look, it's all well and good discussing things with people here, and I understand the need to vent. But we're not your wife. We can tell you what we think we might do in your situation, but we're not in your situation and can't really give you detailed advice. You need to talk to her. You married her, you made a huge emotional, psychological and financial commitment to her, as did she to you. And the two of you can't talk about this, you have to discuss it with strangers online? There's something very unhealthy in that. Only you and she can figure this out together - probably with couples counselling - but the internet won't give you the magic band-aid you're looking for. I wish it could!

Best of luck though.

Sam Vimes

अधिनाय&#2325 wrote:

I am married.

You come across as passive. Why isn't she in the spare room? Sometimes people behave like children and just need some boundaries laid down. You could ask her to go along to a counselling service like MRCS to try to discover what's wrong in your relationship. Young feminists will disagree with me here but I don't know any woman who could love or respect a man who fails to put her in her place when she is clearly in the wrong.

Slinking off is no answer. You should be strong and calmly shame her into an apology for putting your family's future in danger while she feeds off her emotions, shrieking denials and tries to counter with irrelevant rubbish about her privacy.

I can see that you don't see this behaviour enough to make you leave her and lose your child and of course you are right. But it can't happen again and it will if you don't lay down the law.

that reply is hilarious. are you actually joking? i'm glad i'm not your wife. its not 1950 and we're not living in saudi arabia. around here we don't treat our wives like unruly children to be "put in their place" and "shamed". their place is at our side.

not only young feminists will disagree with you, anyone who lives in the western world will


to the OP, she was clearly cheating on you all along and you had every right to look through her texts. she should be staying at a friends, not you

Blub2k4

Commander Vimes wrote:

that reply is hilarious. are you actually joking? i'm glad i'm not your wife. its not 1950 and we're not living in saudi arabia. around here we don't treat our wives like unruly children to be "put in their place" and "shamed". their place is at our side.

Lots of assumptions there just because of the sanskrit script in the name, I'd use the R word, but I'd be called a "bleeding heart". In any case her place is by his side, not someone elses, you seem to place one persons freedom to do what they want in a relationship above her marriage vows, that's not the way the deal works. This persons opinion may seem a little outdated but in this day and age it would seem people would like the "choice" to do anything, she cant "choose" to break a marriage contract, she should make it clear that it is no longer working. The man has law on his side here remember.

Hagar

Get back in the house and don't leave.
Irish law is funny, the man is the bastard and the woman is always the victim. If you leave the home she could claim that she is an abandoned wife and take the house and everything you ever had and most of what you ever will. I know that sounds alarmist and harsh but you are in a bad situation and it could get worse. Go to a solicitor and start building an incident log / case file for your own protection.

oulu

This is your house so I dont think you have to be invited to sleep in the spare room and on that point you make sure you sleep in the main room and if she wants to move to spare room then so be it, dont let her push you out of your house, she seems nasty now remember that child is yours and why should you live in another house because she is cheating does not make sence, if she wants to leave then let her , tell her she can see the child whenever she wants , but since you did nothing wrong why should you miss out on house and seeing your childwhen you wantj
she has told me I can move back in - to the spare room - if i want,

Beruthiel

I also do not think it's a good idea that you moved out of the house, it should be her.

I was not happy in my marriage so I decided that it should be me that goes, if your wife is not happy with your marriage, then let her move out.
Why should you be the one to have to start from scratch again when you are not to blame here..
I am presuming that you are not to blame, ie - you say that you thought everything was going well, clearly it wasn't.
Have you actually sat down with her and discussed the state of your marriage? there would appear to be a breakdown in communication.

Move back in at the weekend, it's your house, you helped pay for it,
have a good long talk and take it from there.
I believe she is not telling you the whole truth, if she does not bring you out with her mates sometimes, there is defo something up there, without a doubt.
Start putting your foot down now though, seems to me she is walking all over you. If you are not careful, she could take you to the cleaners.

but in her sent items are texts to him very explicit and in great detail about what she wants to do to him

I have many male friends, the above is never the sort of thing you would send to one.

she denies everything says he is a mate and it was only messing.

bullsh!t

she just rages about me spying on her

defensive much?

Nevyn

esel wrote:

Just to clarify: mediation is used when a couple are separating, to help them to sort things out amicably.

There are many types of seperation that can be mediated, just beacuase you are seperated does not mean that you are not still living under the same roof.
Some times it takes going through mediation before a couple will then look at couselling.

Rogueish

OP your wife may or may not have been physically unfaithful to you and that in itself can mean a lot or it can mean nothing depending on your perspective.

Her emotional withdrawl from you (you describe it as depression) is a sign that there is something fundamentally wrong that you alone cannot fix. You only recognised this withdrawl as depression and thought that everything was still ok up to a point. She has withdrawn emotionally from you - her life partner - for some unknown reason. Finding out what that reason is will decide the outcome of your marriage.

The reason why she is so angry at you finding out about the text messages probably has more to do with her own guilt than your actual 'investigative work'. The best defence is often offence. By her staying angry at your 'prying' she does not have to face the outcome of her own actions i.e. your hurt, disappointment and the role she played in the whole matter. But a full and frank discussion is inevitable.

Moving out, although it gave you a chance to get your head around the problem only succeeded in deepening the emotional distance between the two of you. It hasn't worked you still have not achieved the clarity that you craved. Was it a little bit of both taking a stand and running away from the problem (neither one of which you achieved very well)?

Move back in, what room you stay in is not important. Your close proximity and availability to both your child and wife is important right now. Distance can be a great thing but you have invested a lot into building a home and family give it every chance you can before deciding to call it quits.

One way or another a the services of a professional councellor is needed. You are far too close to the problem to give it perspective and to ask the difficult questions that must be asked. Have you contributed to your wifes feelings of emotional detachment, what drove her to look outside the marriage for whatever her textual realtionship provided her, why has she difficulty acknowledging her part in the matter and other factors that I cannot even fathom to ask.

Good luck

jdc78

I don't mean to be out of line about this but after reading your post and your situation, I would advise you on reading up with the possible implications of adultery - I believe is an offence in the eyes of the court which could give you stronger ground to stand on when fighting for custody of your daughter. It's sad though that Fathers don't seem to be favoured in these situations. All the best and I hope you get some sound legal advice and are able to move on.

Nevyn

Blush_01 wrote:

But depression and cheating are two very different things,

Actually the cheating my be a symptom of the depression or unhappiness some people drink some people eat,
some people smoke dope, others have affairs/flings/sex;
all to escape/distract themsleves from what is going on with themelves and thier lives that they can't cope with or can't face.

Things may have seemed to be grand and fine according to worried_sick but that is only one side of the story.

There are no absolutes in life or in relationships unless we choose to make them so.

worried_sick if you want to work at your relationship and she does to I wish you well but you have to have a think about what you want, what is possible and what you are willing to do in order to achieve that is best for you and
your daughter.

Children are little people who have to live with the consquences of adults decisions.

Sam Vimes

Blub2k4 wrote:

Lots of assumptions there just because of the sanskrit script in the name

what exactly am i assuming? he said women need to be put in their place. not much room for assumption there

maybe i assumed that he's middle eastern because of the name but i didn't assume anything about his opinion of women. he made that fairly clear

Beruthiel

lets keep this one on topic please
B

अधिनायक

worried_sick wrote:

i do agree with you...I am being a bit passive - i keep thinking about going mad and venting...but venting is gonna push us apart more. i'd rather part on good terms for our kids sake or stay together without making it more difficult

Yes but the choice is not between ineffective passive aggression and venting (aggression). You should leave the guilt tripping emotional stuff to her and try to take a firm but calmly assertive position. Of course this is easier said than done and that's where counselling can provide an environment where you can discuss the root cause of your wife's dissatisfaction. It's much harder to get into a screaming match or flounce out of the room when there is a counsellor in the room.

Passive aggression is more common and acceptable in women than men. In a man it is weak and deeply unattractive.

As for being put in one's place, my wife would rightly and quickly do this to me if I cheated on her and then attacked her in return for 'invading my privacy'.

LegacyUser

thanks for your replies...it all seems good advice....

I did know something was afoot but didn't think another guy was involved....
decided today that I don't actually want to fix it with her..self respect and all that and kinda realised that it wasn't worth the grief....it's a shame cos at one stage we were really great together..

Told her that her texting was bang out of order and disrespected me...she denied everything so I just told her - she made her bed and now she can lie in it.

Moved back in cos pal advised me that it will look better in court if i still live there. he went through this before.

Anyway think it's sorted for the time being - we'll ignore each other till i hit her with the separation papers. then we'll see what i can convince the judge to do....hopefully make history by getting custody (although she couldvisit our daughter anytime cos i won't be such a cun*t) so here's hoping.

thanks for the advice...

अधिनायक

Ah hang on...
At the start you said

worried-sick wrote:

But it was good till 5 months ago. I thought we were happy.

You still don't know what the problem is. Surely it would be worth trying to find out even if you do end up separating. The problem may lie with you and be something you carry through to a future relationship. Were you ignoring her or not communicating?

I don't actually want to fix it with her..self respect and all that and kinda realised that it wasn't worth the grief....it's a shame cos at one stage we were really great together..

Fixing it with her doesn't mean humiliating yourself and pretending that it never happened. You shouldn't have to lose self respect over forgiving her so long as she is repentant.

Anyway think it's sorted for the time being - we'll ignore each other till i hit her with the separation papers.

How could the momentary pleasure you gain from 'hitting her with the papers' compare with making a fair reconciliation with her and saving your family?

You still seem to see your situation as a stark choice between family breakup and you making a humiliating climb-down. Is there any chance you would try listening to her? You have to balance your feelings of injured pride against the feelings of your blameless child.

DublinWriter

worried_sick wrote:

Anybody been here done that???

Firstly dude, my heart goes out to you. It must be the toughest thing.

Secondly, if she's depressed, why is she 'going out with mates'?. Many people close to me have suffered with clinical and manic depression, and going out with mates is the last thing on the adgenda.

The txt's are worrying, but her lying to you about them to you are worrying still. If you can't be honest to your husband, you'll never be honest to anyone, full stop.

Hard enough as it is, I think you should cut your losses.

Tori

I feel for you, I really do. I think so far I would agree with most posts i.e. you should be in your own home, you do need to talk things through, you may need legal advice and you are not to blame here.
But the most important person in all of this is your daughter. My advice to you would be firstly move back into the home and arrange some time alone with your wife, have your daughter minded elsewhere and get to the bottom of what has or hasn't happened. If your wife needs help, so be it but what you need to know is that the incident, or whatever it was, will never happen again. Trust is a very funny thing and it takes a long time for the other person to gain it back again....if ever. Can you see yourself wondering every time your wife goes out on her own again or away for a weekend with the girls?
My point is this, when all is said and done between you, think of your daughter. Would you rather the possibility of her growing up in an environment where her parents maybe rowed through mistrust/anger/doubt/bitterness or that you go your separate ways but remain civil? No matter what, you both have some hard work ahead of you but if you really love each other, you will get through it with outside support.

I wish you the very best and hope all works out the way you want it to.

jimmycrackcorm

Solicitor first. she might cop on when she finds out how it will end up. Who does the babysitting when she heads out?