don't say you wern't warned

Capt'n Midnight

This guy walks into the bank, goes up to the counter, pull out a gun and says to the teller, 'Give me all your money or you're Geography.'

Surprised teller says, 'Surely you mean History?'

The robber replies, 'Don't change the subject.'


A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her he, he shouts out the window: "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "its a scarf!"


A six year old boy was asked by his parents what he
wanted for his birthday.
"I wanna watch" was his reply.
So they let him.


Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him, "Are you drunk?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
And then he vanishes!
(Rene Descartes was kno


A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"



My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"


Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.


Two penguins are in an elevator. One says :"I'm thirsty." The other one replies: "What do I look like, a rock?"



When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.




Chap walks into a pharmacy in Sweeden, and says, " I want to buy some deodorant please.". The pharmacist says, "Certainly sir, balls or aerosol?", and the chap says, "No, its for my armpits.".





Temperatures:

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start. The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes. The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death. The Norwegians have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Norwegians start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold. The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south. The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive. The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
ALL atom-based movement halts. The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.



At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."


A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"


4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D


Assigning a Gender to Everyday Objects
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and
retain water.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive
device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can
wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.




---Engineer's recipe for chocolate-chip cookies:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

Directions:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr,
add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In
a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller
operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and
seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add
ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the
homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient
nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be
taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extruder attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank
& Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55),
or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place
the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product
to come to thermal equilibrium.

Karoma

I can't read further than the first .... Damn you vile man!

Hagar

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

The Norwegian one was good but that's ^^ an old one.

jobonar

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

^^Brilliant!

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

^^ i dont get this 1???

Maximilian

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D

Thanks to http://nickciske.com/tools/hex.php

It means:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

Alter-Ego

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over, Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

Ba dum tish!!!

Steoob

maximilian wrote:

Quote:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C204F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062696E64207468656D


Thanks to http://nickciske.com/tools/hex.php

It means:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

and whats so funny about that?

Maximilian

Steoob wrote:

and whats so funny about that?

My extensive research did not provide an answer to that question.

milltown

Two penguins are in an elevator. One says :"I'm thirsty." The other one replies: "What do I look like, a rock?"

I don't get it

biko

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks him, "Are you drunk?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
And then he vanishes!

My fave Norway ones were very good too.

kittenkiller

I Cm!