Having a boyfriend or girlfriend

Kuz_3040

Well im a muslim boy from england and my question may just be a much more cultural one than a religious one i was just wondering as to why it is so frowned upon to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with the opposite sex

the_new_mr

Salam Kuz! You're very welcome here!

Before I start, let me just underline the fact that I'm not a religious scholar and so my text shouldn't be interpreted that way but I shall try and answer to the best of my ability.

Well, it's not really a cultural question Kuz.

The religious viewpoint is for a large number of reasons as I understand it. The main reason is to prevent something happening which would be wrong (such as pre-marital sexual relations etc). Another is to protect the reputations of the individuals involved, especially the reputation of the girl. Even if neither do anything physical together, others may not believe that if they know that you spent time together. Also, the emotional involvment would likely damage the reputation of both individuals.

Islam is a religion given to us by God and He knows what's best for us. As human beings, we sometimes feel love for people of the opposite sex and this is perfectly normal. The thing is that we should be careful as to how we conduct ourselves to prevent problems later on.

And let's say, for argument's sake, that it is only an emotional relationship (not a physical one) then this will only lead to heartache later... especially on the part of the girl.

If two people are of the marrying age and are mature enough then they can get engaged and spend time together in the company of the member's of their respective families.

I found a pretty good link about this here which you might like to check out. The question isn't like yours exactly but it's close enough for the answer to be relevant (plus, the answerer is a scholar so can do a much better job than myself )

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?cid=1123996015522&pagename=IslamOnline-English-AAbout_Islam/AskAboutIslamE/AskAboutIslamE

Kuz_3040

Walikum Salaam

I see your argument but reputations are only created because people gossip make up rumours that are untrue which last i checked is against our religion of islam. Lets face it people of our religion do participate in premarital sex regardless but what im saying is that if two people care for each other beyond the physical why shouldnt they be allowed to be in relationship with each other which could more than likely end in marriage. Surely if the parents were more accepting of such relationships it could result in their children being happier lets face it their are people in relationships who can never be together in marriage because of their parent lack of acceptance

Wibbs

Interesting link above. It makes some valid points too. that said some of the ideas smack of wishful thinking IMHO.

"In the good old days, when everything was true and there was no place for “fake” values, love meant a noble sentiment that tied up two persons together and made them dream of getting united for the rest of their life."

Did ever a time exist? I highly doubt it. Many if not most marriages in the past were for political/financial/political reasons, especially when women had less rights in all societies.

Islam calls it zinah (fornication) and it is heavily punished in both this world and the Hereafter.

The heavily punished in this world bit would concern me.

It just seems to me that the Abrahamic religions in general and Islam in particular, see the state of women especially as either whore or mother. That simplifies it too much and doesn't acknowledge the grey areas at all(Catholicism has the same view in many ways). They also seem to think that neither sex can control themselves enough. As if being alone with a woman/man or the sight of hair will inflame emotions to that extent.

Kuz_3040 wrote:

I see your argument but reputations are only created because people gossip make up rumours that are untrue which last i checked is against our religion of islam.

Good point.

Kuz_3040

Still doesnt clear things up but very gd point. The main things i dnt understand is though the concept of women being either whore or mother although in the holy quaran it says women are equal with men and another things why can men have up to six wives isnt that a bit contradictory to the whole thing

the_new_mr

Well, it's up to you in the end Kuz as to what you want to do. However, God tells us of the best way to conduct ourselves. I pray to God that you follow the straight path. I don't mean to come over all righteous as I'm no angel myself but we must certainly acknowledge God's wisdom and appreciate that He knows us better than we know ourselves.

So, it's one thing to know that something is wrong and still do it (hopefully with the intention to change) and quite another to challenge the wisdom of God.

Something I found intriguing in the last couple of posts is the apparent stress on the idea that only women are guilty of any pre-marital relations (the "whore or mother" idea that was put forward). Islam certainly doesn't differentiate between men and women here. A man is just as guilty as a woman in this respect.

As for the question as to why people can't just have boyfriend/girlfriend relationships? Well, I believe that the link made a very good point that this usually leads to unwanted circumstances. I remember a hadith in which the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
"Whenever a man and a woman are alone, Satan is the third amongst them"

That's not to say that "being alone with a man/woman is enough to inflame emotions" but it's a process where "one thing leads to another" (the classic holloywood line )

And Kuz, please please please don't take this the wrong way as I certainly don't mean this in any offense, but perhaps you could read a little abour your religion? I don't mean to be calling you a bad Muslim but your statement of "why can men have up to six wives" seems to show a concerning lack of knowledge. You may find that after doing some reading, you'll be more relaxed. In any case, perhaps you might find the following link interesting:
http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/notislam/misconceptions.html#HEADING3

Also, if it's any consolation, I've seen many a very happy marriage flourish (thank God) from exactly the kind of proper boundaries outlined beforehand so it is perfectly realisitc and not overly idealisitc.

I hope for the same myself some day God willing

Wibbs

the_new_mr wrote:

Something I found intriguing in the last couple of posts is the apparent stress on the idea that only women are guilty of any pre-marital relations (the "whore or mother" idea that was put forward). Islam certainly doesn't differentiate between men and women here. A man is just as guilty as a woman in this respect.

True and that wasn't my intention to suggest it's only the woman. It's just that it's the woman who covers up more, is more restricted by her gender in many ways than the man in the abrahamic religions, Islam in particular. Just one other example is the fact that a man may marry a woman from another religion, while a woman can't. Now you can say that what good Muslim woman would want to marry a non believer, but equally why would a good Muslim man want and be allowed to?

but it's a process where "one thing leads to another" (the classic holloywood line )

Unless you've a face like mine. Temptation is far less an issue for me.....

I don't mean to be calling you a bad Muslim but your statement of "why can men have up to six wives" seems to show a concerning lack of knowledge. You may find that after doing some reading, you'll be more relaxed.

And if you consider a heathen like me knew about the four wives bit, that may have you rushing to the nearest mosque even more.

Also, if it's any consolation, I've seen many a very happy marriage flourish (thank God) from exactly the kind of proper boundaries outlined beforehand so it is perfectly realisitc and not overly idealisitc.

Strangely enough I've seen the same. Arranged marriages(where both parties agree of course, which is explicitly stated in the quran to be fair) are more likely to last according to some stats. That would be explained in many ways too long to list.

the_new_mr

Wibbs wrote:

True and that wasn't my intention to suggest it's only the woman. It's just that it's the woman who covers up more, is more restricted by her gender in many ways than the man in the abrahamic religions, Islam in particular. Just one other example is the fact that a man may marry a woman from another religion, while a woman can't. Now you can say that what good Muslim woman would want to marry a non believer, but equally why would a good Muslim man want and be allowed to?

Think this is fairly well covered in the link to the FAQ above.

Wibbs wrote:

Unless you've a face like mine. Temptation is far less an issue for me.....

Don't say that man!

Wibbs wrote:

Strangely enough I've seen the same. Arranged marriages(where both parties agree of course, which is explicitly stated in the quran to be fair) are more likely to last according to some stats. That would be explained in many ways too long to list.

Let me tell you something funny Usually, when people found out I was Muslim in Ireland, one of the most common questions was "Are you going to have an arranged marriage?" Sometimes, I'd have a bit of fun and make up a whole story about how my parents and my imaginary future wife's parents had made the agreement when I was 3 years old and how I've only seen her once for about 15 minutes since etc etc I couldn't make myself keep the joke going though and usually told them the truth that I wasn't involved in an arranged marriage within about 5 minutes It's fun seeing the expression on their face though. Sort of like they are in complete shock and horror but are trying not to offend you by showing so

Anyway, the term "arranged marriage" often gives people the impression that the couple are being forced together. As you mentioned yourself Wibbs, this is against Islamic teachings.

I guess you could say that there are a number of ways a marriage could happen in Islam. The "arranged" way where people have a meeting arranged by their respective families. Perhaps you could call this Islamic "match making" or "blind possible-prospective-spouse meetings" as opposed to "blind dates" They meet up, chat for a bit, maybe meet again and chat for a bit again and see what the craic is and decide whether or not they want to get engaged and get to know eachother as outlined above.

Another way is by the two individuals knowing eachother in some walk of life such as college or work or something like that. One party may then arrange a meeting with the two families present and make the marriage proposal giving the other party time to think about it if they want to etc.

As for the reasons why a lot of these kind of marriages last according to stats. There are some pretty solid theories based on reasons why a lot of people say they get divorced. One of the main factors seems to be that because people have experience (be it emotional or physical) of other partners, there are both conscious and sub-conscious comparisons going on in their mind comparing their current partner with previous ones. When a problem arises between a couple like a row, the individual is more likely to say things like "Person A never did that" or "This wouldn't be the case with Z" There's also the constant comparisons on the physical level as well which can be just as damaging.

Then you have the situation where previous relationships can cause a lot of suspicion and doubt. This can range anywhere between "I wonder if he/she loves me like they loved person X" all the way to "Why were they late today? They said they were going for a coffee with their X after work..." and so on it goes.

That's not say that that these kind of comparisons mightn't happen in Islam as divorce is allowed in Islam. However, it's certainly not on the scale that might happen in 21st century Ireland due to the sheer numbers involved as well as the procudure.

Another good reaon is that people feel such a strong emotional bond together since the first experience of intimacy (both emotional and physical) are with the person that they married so they have more of a drive to "make it work" and as I've said, thank God, they do.

And of course, there are probably many more reasons and they probably are too many to list