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Marriage: Men -v-Women

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  • 19-05-2006 10:36am
    #1
    jobonar
    Registered Users Posts: 1,305 ✭✭✭


    Marriage - Part I
    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady andafter the
    wedding, he laid down the following rules:
    "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time Iwant and I
    don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
    table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
    hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
    buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
    rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
    Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every
    night... whether you're here or not."
    (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

    ************************************
    Marriage (Part II)
    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day oftheir 40th
    wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you
    a headstone that reads:
    "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever" "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die,
    I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
    "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"
    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

    ************************************
    Marriage (Part III)
    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
    table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no
    good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
    After some time, he realizes he was nasty anddecides to make amends
    and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
    irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the
    phone?" She says...
    "I was in bed."
    "In bed this early, doing what?"
    "Getting a second opinion!"
    (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

    ******************************************
    Marriage (Part IV)
    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
    proud of himself, that he starts calling his
    wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
    home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
    He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts
    right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
    (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

    **************************************
    Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
    giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
    that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for
    an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
    the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
    at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
    see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
    by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    **************************************
    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough
    draft before the masterpiece.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭biko


    Funneh (besides the comments in brackets)


  • Options
    #3
    GLaDOS
    Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 23,223 Mod ✭✭✭✭GLaDOS


    biko wrote:
    Funneh (besides the comments in brackets)
    Agreed

    Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test



  • Options
    #4
    Hermione*
    Registered Users Posts: 14,983 ✭✭✭✭Hermione*


    Heard them before tbh :)


  • Options
    #5
    TGalwayGal
    Registered Users Posts: 3 ✭TGalwayGal


    Brilliant!


  • Options
    #6
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

    =====================================
    A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
    He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

    ==========================================
    Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
    Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!'

    ======================================
    An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
    He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


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  • Options
    #7
    Bootup
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. ' Alice ', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!


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