Questions

LegacyUser

Hi everyone , i have never posted in boards before , but i feel the need too now becuase im in a bit of a bind , Im 21 , Gay and in a realationship but everything is going wrong .

My parents dont approve of gay people and everytime i meet my mother she threatens me and says that i better not be gay , she says that i disgust her and that i have to grow up , this is affecting my ability to study , work and most of all is causing me to doubt my relationship , i have told my fella none of this cos its a pretty new relationship , i have had girlfriends in the past and my head is just all over the place , when im wit him i feel special and comfotable , but then she starts and i cant handle or entertain the thought of him , i have been involved in the gay comunity for years since i was 16 and this has been building !! I dunno what too do , college finishes in three months for me and i wanna escape but in my mind is that the right thing too do , just run away , i cant even look her in the face when she is talking to me , yes i will admit , i am scared of my mother. im soo confused and doubting everything , its all such a mess , at the moment , she has complete financial control over me , even down the the house i rent .... so Its a bind !!

But the thing that worries me the most is how she can criple me with just a few words . , after a conversation , im in bits for hours after ,,



Cheers
ANY ADVICE APRECIATED

swiss

The way I look at it your mother is from a generation that sees homosexuality as deviant. She has probably been reared with this attitude and so when she berates you she is simply following what she believes.

Of course when she says you disgust her is a point for me personally where I would consider a certain line crossed. I'm not suggesting you sever your ties completely but as you yourself have pointed out there is a dependence on your part to your mother that seems quite unhealthy. You say that you're finished college in three months, so that would seem an opportunity for you to start working and obtain the financial independence that will allow you to break free from that sphere of undue influence.

As for the question about whether it's "right" for you to be gay or in a relationship, that certainly isn't a question your mother should be answering. Neither is it something I or anyone on this board can answer. The only person who can answer that is yourself. I know its difficult, but try to look at it rationally. Do you like girls or guys, or both? How do you feel about your sexuality? Why do you feel that way?

I feel that once you have the answers to these questions, then the question of what to do next should become a little clearer.

Hmm_Messiah

I'd agree with Stark, except i don't think its too relevant to decide what you are in this situation. I mean that your mother has crossed a line and your sexuality doesnt seem a problem to you

you are 21, you need as much as any one the affection of a mum, and to reciprocate it. But what you are getting is disgusting and unfair. it could be truly felt or something learned- now is find out time.

Be strong, instead of her tackling you - you tackle her, verbally, or if that would just create a crazy situation then clearly in writing.
ask " I need to know you will love and care unconditionally. I can't bear to feel I must be a certain way, or lessen who I might be, for the sake of your love. If you can't love me --as whoever i am-- then this will be painful but I'll have to let go of the idea of you loving me. It will hurt like hell, but really I already am hurting"

this isn't a sexuality issue, this is a need to challenge your mum's strong personality, being ready for the outcome, a collapse of a relationship thats unhealthy anyways.


I DO understand how you feel controlled by her, but you need to find ways out of that. No one is going to make this better for you , but when you stand up to it you will, I hope, find it easier than you imagined.


best of luck

shoegirl

UNDEFINED wrote:

i am scared of my mother. im soo confused and doubting everything , its all such a mess , at the moment , she has complete financial control over me , even down the the house i rent .... so Its a bind !!

But the thing that worries me the most is how she can criple me with just a few words . , after a conversation , im in bits for hours after

I know lots of people are going to react as if its the easiest thing in the world to do, to turn away from your own mother, but I do understand, I come from a background where every effort was made to dissuade me from being who I am and the only solution in the end was: move out and get independent.

A good friend suggested it to me when I was about 18 or so and it was great advice but it took me really about another 8 years or so before I was able to earn enough to do it (those were the bad old days of the early 90s and it was really hard to get steady work never mind enough to pay the rent).

I think part of the reason it took me so long was because my parents repeatedly guilt-tripped myself and my siblings into accepting that it was "selfish" to move out instead of staying at home to "help" them. The reality was that their financial problems were not our responsibility and now the chickens have come home to roost in the fact that because they demanded 20% of what we earned when we were younger, 3 out of the 4 of us are about 30 or more and not one of us own a single brick, never mind our own home. Now suddenly they have to put up with adult children living at home and getting in the way, borrowing the car, being out late at night, eating the fridge clean etc. Serves them damn right!

Your mother has her own agenda. She would be horrified to think it is quite simply selfish. But it is - as my own mother's was/is. To my mum's generation, who all gave up work to have kids and who effectively are very powerless people, one way of expounding the little power they had was to take it out on the children - of whatever age.

If you have only 3 months to go, throw yourself into your study and keep a watchful eye on the milk round. There are really good jobs out there for graduates that didn't exist 10 years ago and may not exist in 5 years time so grab what's going. Seriously consider placing as much distance as possible between them and you so they cannot manipulate you in any way. I remember coming back from London after the ruins of one relationship that drained me financially as well as emotionally and I have to say that paying 600 euros a month to live in a city 200 miles away from my parents was money well spent keeping my independence even though I really couldn't afford it at the time.

Don't let yourself feel guilty - you have to just make space for yourself and then decide how you want to live your life. Easier said than done but worth it in the end.

shoegirl

Hmm_Messiah wrote:

Be strong, instead of her tackling you - you tackle her, verbally, or if that would just create a crazy situation then clearly in writing.
ask " I need to know you will love and care unconditionally. I can't bear to feel I must be a certain way, or lessen who I might be, for the sake of your love. If you can't love me --as whoever i am-- then this will be painful but I'll have to let go of the idea of you loving me. It will hurt like hell, but really I already am hurting"

I don't think I'd go down that route if your mum is being as hard on you as you suggest. She's only going to turn on you, and possibly try to bring other family members into it. You'll end up isolated and will only end up feeling worse. This actually happened to me when I tried to tackle my mum - in fact all I told her was the girl I was living with was my partner - but she stopped talking to me and walked past me on the street like a total stranger. So I simply vanished 2 months later and moved away. Then all of a sudden she was terribly upset. Not sorry of course, simply upset. But it did teach her a lesson that in some ways I don't regret. She wouldn't dare treat me like that now.

You need some space to yourself - emotionally and physically, before you can tackle this. And I think for people like your mum (and mine) it needs to be made clear that if it means parting company if they behave in such a manner, you will do it.

whosdaman

my heart goes out to you friend.
hope she understands and accepts you as who you are soon.im sure there any many in this pickle .
be strong and keep us informed how things fair out.
have a friend in the same position. all the best.

UU

I'm terribly sorry for you.

I'm so grateful that my parents are liberal and accepted my sexuality with ease. Some people just have it worse than others. I don't think being afraid of your mam and letting her gain this awesome power over you is too good. If I were you, I would ask her questions that will make her think about the damage she's doing to you like "Do you not love me?", and "I'm still me, your child whom you once said you loved dearly. I still love you with an everlasting love but do you? I haven't changed, have you?". That is what I would do if I were in your situation but perhaps you should seek advice off some of the gay organisations out there, those who have been through it all before.

Best of luck in your future, I hope it all goes well for you.

Daniel

Hmm_Messiah

hello shoegirl

nicest girl to chat to when tomer lands people off net together as if they know each other.

I agree with u too, mostly, but after the exams i think this guy needs to do something. the situation he describes is hellish and does nothing for either of them.

hi mum may be a different woman underneath, many irish people suffer terribly what they learned was right. he could leave the door open to rebuilding a good rship

but one besed on him being exactly who he wants to be/is

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for there help and advice, i have made plans to take off when i finish college and my fella broke up wit me last nite , So its kinda been a big wakeup call to just go out there and have a life!!!

Thanks EVERY ONE

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