Tear jerker

noel123ie

Hi all,

I have a daughter in Kilkenny who i do not get to see, She is 6 six and I have paid maintance since day 1. I went to court to get access and a guardianship order.

However the childs mother had an excuse each time I called eg child is sick, or they were going away.

I understood the child was sick but twas a bit of a coincidence she was unavailable each time. I would have to bring the childs mother to court again and I think this may be a waste as she is probably not going to abide by this and I would have to go to court again. Solicitors are a rob here

Alo when I see child she says " I hate you" " etc. Which i presume she overheard from mother.

i live in Cork which makes things awkward.My mother advises i just leave the child be as her mother is now remarried and has all she needs.

However it kills me not to see her

Any advice would be great,
Noel

Beruthiel

that's horrible noel

What would happen if you stopped the maintenance till she let you visit your daughter?
I know this is not exactly good advice, but perhaps it might cop the woman on.
I will never, ever understand one parent stopping another from seeing their child. Once this child hits her teenage years, questions will be asked and her mother will not come out smelling of roses.
I don't agree with your mother, it's not that easy to just give up and forget, I don't think that you should.
Keep sending the birthday and christmas cards, keep calling, do whatever it takes to have some sort of constant contact. (This will be remembered by your daughter later in life and will be appreciated)
The time will come, sooner than you think, when your kid will be able to hop on a train and come see you.
If she says "I hate you" tell her you love her. Don't give in or give up.
If you keep trying, she will eventually wish to be in your life and know you, despite what her mother says.
stay strong.

noel123ie

cheers for that

before i thought those single parents dressing up as superman was a bit strange but now i can see the point

Noel

hepcat

Really sorry to hear of the terrible situation you are in. It must be extremely difficult.

This is where fathers groups have a role to play - can you get in touch with one? You have a right to see your daughter, and you cannot be fobbed off with excuses. DOn't give up, and try not to get disheartened with the "I hate you" stuff. It will not last. You know, kids are amazingly perceptive and clever - it will really not be long before she is able to see things more clearly. As Beruthial said, all the hard work you put in now will pay off later - please believe that and don't give up. You have the rest of your life to have a relationship with your daughter, and who knows, if her mother see's you mean business, you might get decent access sooner than you think. If she has not abided by the last agreement, can you stick your wife with the costs of going back to court?

Whatever, anyway, don't give up. And don't listen to anyone who tells you to!

RotalicaV

Keep fighting the fight Noel!

Heinrich

In the best interest of the child I would heed your mother's advice. I doubt very much if the child will ever become "a part of your life"! It is a miserable situation but that's life. The child has an adult male in her life and she will look to this person as a father figure.

Your ex partner will be antagonistic towards you and will obviously use the child as a means to her ends but if you persist then the child gets dragged into the squabble.

Life is far from a fairy tale and there is seldom that happy ending. Think of what is best for the child regardless of your feelings. Your ex partner's feelings should also be considered...

Beruthiel

Hienrich
I could not disagree more with you. He has every right to see his daughter and screw his ex partner feelings.

The child has an adult male in her life and she will look to this person as a father figure

Not if Noel keeps in constant contact.
I seperated from my daughters father when she was 7, she was in constant contact with both parents.
Other partners were involved after a time, she cared for them, but at the end of the day, her parents are still her parents and that cannot be changed. I cannot believe you think ties should be cut just like that.
What is best for his child is that she knows who her parents are and that she knows they care for her. Anything else will cause problems later in life.

noel123ie

Cheers for the advice all will be thought through

does anyone know of a support group in cork?

i have tried www.treoir.ie but no joy im afraid

Noel

Heinrich

Beruthiel wrote:

Hienrich
I could not disagree more with you. He has every right to see his daughter and screw his ex partner feelings.

The child has an adult male in her life and she will look to this person as a father figure

Not if Noel keeps in constant contact.
I seperated from my daughters father with she was 7, she was in constant contact with both parents.
Other partners were involved after a time, she cared for them, but at the end of the day, her parents are still her parents and that cannot be changed. I cannot believe you think ties should be cut just like that.
What is best for his child is that she knows who her parents are and that she knows they care for her. Anything else will cause problems later in life.

We are all free to believe what we want! If Noel becomes a pest, in the eyes of his ex, then that will rub off on to the child. What you did may be good for you but do you really believe that your daughter distinguishes between her biological and stepfathers? Does she look on her father as perhaps an uncle?

This case is different to yours inasmuch a that the couple are married! They may have or will have other children, who knows?

I could quote some anecdotes countering your experiences but I find that a pointless exercise.

Life's a bitch...

Beruthiel

Heinrich wrote:

do you really believe that your daughter distinguishes between her biological and stepfathers?

Damn right she knows and see's the difference. All partners involved know they are not her parents, they know we are, as does she.

This case is different to yours inasmuch a that the couple are married!

they may be married, so what? I am living so long with my partner, all that is different is a piece of paper

I could quote some anecdotes countering your experiences but I find that a pointless exercise.

As in each case is different. You sound very bitter, I can only guess why. Noel does not have to give up, not if he doesn't want to, nor should he.

Nevyn

Heinrich this is a very emotive subject and your opinion is your opinion bassed on your life but you can't assume that it has to be that way for everyone else.

Heinrich

Thaedydal wrote:

Heinrich this is a very emotive subject and your opinion is your opinion bassed on your life but you can't assume that it has to be that way for everyone else.

I agree with you as far as the emotive part is concerned, however, public forums of this nature are not the best platforms in which to seek real solutions. Opinions is about all one will get here and an emotional person will more than likely be a bad judge of which is the best solution to his/her emotional problem. There are, provided by the state, welfare organisations, a judicial system, psychologists and the like where people with these sort of issues should be adressing themselves.

As far as the comment regarding my opinion based on my life is concerned I think it is you who is assuming.

edanto

Noel,

I hope it works out for you in time. It must be awful being kept at a distance from your daughter. I think that the right thing to do is to keep trying to stay in touch with her, by card, letter, visit etc.

The mum might be trying to discourage you in the hope that you'll go away, but that could hurt your daughter more in the long term; when she's a teenager she might just remember that you weren't around and not know why.

I think it would be a bad idea to stop the maintenance; firstly because your ex-partner probably doesn't rely on it and wouldn't feel it's loss and mainly because you not paying maintenance would be a stick for her to beat you with in court.

Maybe you could keep a journal of all the times you try to see your daughter and what the mother says and maybe even copies of the letters that you send to both of them. Would that make it easier for you if you have to go to court to get visiting rights? It might help you keep track of all the whens and whats in this stressful time too.

I wish I could offer more useful advice on dealing with the stress and deciding what to do, but all I can do is just hope that things work out for you.
all the best
e

Nevyn

Heinrich wrote:

I agree with you as far as the emotive part is concerned, however, public forums of this nature are not the best platforms in which to seek real solutions.

Again in you opinion, this forum was created for parents to share and support each other.

Heinrich wrote:

There are, provided by the state, welfare organisations, a judicial system, psychologists and the like where people with these sort of issues should be adressing themselves.

Would you care to be helpful enough to provide link to these professionals
to aid the orginal poster after all that is one of the reasons this forum was created.

Heinrich wrote:

As far as the comment regarding my opinion based on my life is concerned I think it is you who is assuming.

Fair enough but if you can not contribute on a postitve fashion to this forum then do not post in it.
I would also suggest you read the charter for this forum.

Hobbes

I would keep a list of dates you have actually seen her and when you haven't and also the excuses given for those dates.

If the times are excessive ask about moving the time to meet her to another date and see how it pans out with the mother, don't be unreasonable but if she refuses just mark what you suggested and the answer you got.

If there is a clear pattern to her blocking you from seeing her then you can take legal matters.

I would also ask the child why when she says she hates you. Children aren't stupid and if you ask in a reasonable manner you are at a better position to explain your situation.

hepcat

Don't actually know any fathers group offhand, but John Waters, the Irish Times columnist is a vocal supporter of father rights. Parents Groups might have info on fathers groups and resources. Gingerbread is a single parents group, but is based in Dublin as far as I know.

Start digging for further info, support and advice from other fathers in the same boat would be a great help.

(Just as an aside, I know one man who left his 3yr old daughter with her mother, and basically did not try to keep up contact. She is in her early 20's now, and they have next to no relationship. I think she uses him if she needs to, but otherwise, she has no time for him. It is one of his biggest regrets in life)

Nevyn

http://www.iol.ie/~pe/

http://www.gingerbread.ie/

http://www.dads-house.com/phpBB2/groupcp.php?sid=fa5e3eb2352e6429fb4bf2b75779c629

http://www.dads-house.com/phpBB2/groupcp.php?sid=fa5e3eb2352e6429fb4bf2b75779c629

http://www.parentalequality.ie/new/index.php

Heinrich

Thaedydal wrote:

Would you care to be helpful enough to provide link to these professionals
to aid the orginal poster after all that is one of the reasons this forum was created.

QUOTE]

http://oasis.gov.ie/relationships/separation_divorce/sep_divorce_children.html

http://oasis.gov.ie/relationships/civil_relationships/legal_guardianship_and_unmarried_couples.html

http://www.parentalequality.ie/pe_resources/pdf/PaulAmato99.pdf

noel123ie

Hi all,

Thanks to all who contributed so far to this and read posts

Its good to see that people care and take the time to read my story so far...


Noel

oulu

Noel your child you need to let your daughter know how much she means to you, dont give up on her even though at times it seems all is lost. If you keep in contact and then suddenly she is a teenager more grown up ,she will tell her Mum I am going to Cork for the summer and so on,I suggest you have chat with ex first before you see a solicitor give her one more chance, maybe write her a letter and mention if the shoe was on the other foot what would she think. Remember the saying sometimes the hate a woman has for her ex is greater than the love she has for her own child, now if she wants to play rough then you demand to see your child , easy to get kids back on side nice pressies always work and mac Donalds and of course your love could you stop ex from leaving Country if she was going on holidays, might sound tough on child but as the saying goes tough love, Your child you see her and try not feeling sorry for yourself, best of luck

squire1

Noel, keep in contact. A time will come when the attitude will change from "I hate you" to "I love you". Remember that when things seem difficult.

When the child is old enough to make her own decisions, the diffuculty of keeping in contact now will be repaid with interest.

luckat

Noel, I assume you had a solicitor when you went to court? If so, I'd go back to the solicitor and explain the situation, because your ex shouldn't really be keeping your child from you in this way if the court has said she can see you.

Personally I'd steer clear of the fathers' groups; they always strike me as (a) powerless and (b) loopy, just groups of grumblers. But this is purely a personal opinion, garnered from seeing their letters in newspapers and the actions of some British versions of the groups.

You obviously want what's best for your child, and naturally her mother and the child's stepfather also want this. May I suggest that you go to your solicitor, say "this isn't working", and ask to go to a mediation service where all three of you can sit down with the mediator and calmly bargain out arrangements that will be the best for the child.

gardenlily

Insist your rights being a father..Don't let her take that away from you
Show your daughter that you are there for her and that you did not give up on her. Maybe your ex wnat that to happen..Dont give up even if you hear your daughter say those words..And i want to tell you that your a good father for that.

Medina

Hi Noel,

My sister is actually only my sister from my mother's side, my mother had an affair during their marriage, which led to my sister.

My dad, has raised my sister from birth like me and treats her equally.

I knew of her parentage since I was a teen and when she was thirteen my mother told her.

Well my sister went off the rails after that for a few years but is grand again now.

Her biological father only made one attempt after her birth to see her, then never came near again.

Now this situation is totally different except for one common point:

This is what hurt my sister the most, and she has never ever considered contacting him, because as far as she can see, he never made an effort for her.

If you don't want a daughter who never wants to see you, then take all the advice in this forum and make the effort!!

She will feel loved at the end of it all because of your constant efforts and that is the most important thing here.

Also I was thinking the same thing when I saw it then written... make sure you keep a diary of thoughts of her, attempts to see her etc....one that you will give to her when she is old enough..so that she knows you're a really caring dad, if you weren't always physically present.

bennyc

Noel
Dont know if stopping the maintinance is a good idea to get access. I know a girl who for her own reasons cut the father of her child out of the loop. He stopped payments and after going to court lost all rights. It could be what she is waiting for. I suppose it depends on how much she depends on the payments.

Debracd

Also check out the Just for dads section on Rollercoaster:

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/boards/forum.asp?GroupID=34&forumdb=4

And the single parents section:

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/boards/forum.asp?GroupID=27&forumdb=3

There's some great info from single dads there. Appologies Thaedydal and Beruthiel if linking to RC isn't allowed. Just remove the post if it causes hassle

Best of luck Noel!

Deb

Nevyn

not at all, I think parents need all the rescources they can get thier hands on tbh.