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Funny Things said in American courts!

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  • 02-06-2006 12:45am
    #1
    Sm0ke
    Registered Users Posts: 344 ✭✭


    first off, please dont get offended by this if ur american because i got it from an America board!

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it

    until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ___________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
    ________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh...
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    ______________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Comments

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    #2
    Ruu_Old
    Closed Accounts Posts: 36,634 ✭✭✭✭Ruu_Old


    Humour forum, some good ones in there :)


  • Options
    #3
    Terry
    Registered Users Posts: 26,061 ✭✭✭✭Terry


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    wasn't that from some old hollywood movie?
    bob hope?


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    #4
    Rhyme
    Registered Users Posts: 8,561 ✭✭✭Rhyme


    julep wrote:
    wasn't that from some old hollywood movie?
    bob hope?
    Or the song Magic Dance by David Bowie?


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    #5
    Mimikyu
    Registered Users Posts: 18,919 ✭✭✭✭Mimikyu


    This post has been deleted.


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    #6
    Terry
    Registered Users Posts: 26,061 ✭✭✭✭Terry


    i'm not familiar with that song, but i do remember the line "how do you do that voodoo that you do so well" from some old hollywood flick. never actually saw it, just that line is kind of famous.


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    #7
    Agent Smith
    Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 21,504 Mod ✭✭✭✭Agent Smith


    it was in an episode of M*A*S*H


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    #8
    nicka
    Closed Accounts Posts: 16 ✭nicka


    yay! that was funny


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    #9
    qz
    Registered Users Posts: 8,753 ✭✭✭qz


    Last one was the best! :D


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    #10
    PlayGirl
    Registered Users Posts: 1,400 ✭✭✭PlayGirl


    hahahaha!!! lmfao!!


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    #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 8,647 ✭ [Deleted User]


    very good!agree last one was the best!


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    #12
    Rb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,277 ✭✭✭✭Rb


    Ruu wrote:
    Humour forum, some good ones in there :)
    Considering he's already had one thread locked for it being in the wrong forum(among other reasons), you'd have thought that he'd of learned...obviously not.

    OP: Humourous/Funny threads go HERE


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    #13
    iFight
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,498 ✭✭✭iFight


    Some quality ones in there, especially the ones with the doctors:D :D


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    #14
    LikeOhMyGawd!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 192 ✭✭LikeOhMyGawd!


    JUDGE: I hereby sentence you to death by lethal injection.
    Mr. Sheriff, you may take him to the Department of Criminal
    Justice to await execution there.

    DEFENDANT: (cries)


    American courts, bloody hilarious, yeah.


  • Options
    #15
    Pighead
    Registered Users Posts: 14,184 ✭✭✭✭Pighead


    Pigheads favourite American Courtroom humour goes a little like this.

    Jury: We hereby find the defendent OJ Simpson Not Guilty.

    Ha Ha Ha. Classic.


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    #16
    Fanny Cradock
    Registered Users Posts: 10,245 ✭✭✭✭Fanny Cradock


    very good pighead. BUT THE GLOVES DIDN'T FIT!
    julep wrote:
    wasn't that from some old hollywood movie?
    bob hope?

    Anyway, I think it was similar to a line in blazing saddles

    :)


  • Options
    #17
    Degsy
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 16,397 ✭✭✭✭Degsy


    "For crimes against humanity it is the sentence of this court that you be taken to a place of execution,flogged,eviscerated,broken on the wheel,hanged,decapitated,drowned,burned and your ashes thrown to the four winds.Micheal Moore, may the devil have mercy on your fat soul".

    (applause)


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    #18
    garred
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,036 ✭✭✭garred


    Think I read a few years ago about a guy who was constantly done for DUI (think he appeared in the court 15 times for this) and the judge got fed up with him and ordered him to move closer to the pub.


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    #19
    Monty - the one and only
    Registered Users Posts: 3,274 ✭✭✭Monty - the one and only


    funny thread, wrong board.... moved to humor


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    #20
    The_Minister
    Registered Users Posts: 10,255 ✭✭✭✭The_Minister


    Rhyme wrote:
    Or the song Magic Dance by David Bowie?
    It was in a film with David Bowie called Labyrinth.


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    #21
    Sm0ke
    Registered Users Posts: 344 ✭✭Sm0ke


    rb_ie wrote:
    Considering he's already had one thread locked for it being in the wrong forum(among other reasons), you'd have thought that he'd of learned...obviously not.

    OP: Humourous/Funny threads go HERE
    are u a mod? did i offend u? shud i apologise for not knowing of the humour forum?

    no need to moan mate, its not the end of the world if its in the wrong forum, i know maybe this might damage the fabric of ur very exsistence but you'll get thru it.

    im so so so sorry and it wont happen again


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