BF wants different things than I do...

LegacyUser

Right,

I really don't know where to begin with this, so I'll just start typing and hopefully ye can make some sense of it.

I'm 25, have been with my bf for almost 4 years, and we have a baby. Back in the day, when we were first going out, we used to talk about what we wanted when we "grew up", so to speak. The topic of marriage came up, and he was always very pro-marriage. He wanted to do it when he was older, have kids, the works. I was (and still am) of the same mindset, so I didn't envisage any problems.

He has told me recently now that his mind has completely changed on the marriage thing - he doesn't want to do it, doesn't see the point, thinks it's a waste of money etc. The problem is - I still want to get married. I've thought about it, and I am not sure that living with him for the rest of my life, having more kids etc., is what I want without marriage. Now, I'm not here to be told "marriage isn't neccessary" etc. - to me, it kind of is so this is a major problem. And its not a case that he is trying to put the brakes on our relationship - quite the opposite. He sees us being together forever but just won't marry me.

When he told me about his change of mind, I found it very difficult not to take it personally. Here was a person who, all his life, was very pro-marriage, then, he meets me, and almost 4 years down the line is very anti-marriage. I'm traditional, he is too, but he's changed his mind totally and I am bewildered as to what this means for our future. I want to get married. I've always wanted to. And, yes, he is about as perfect a partner as I could hope to find, but still... marriage is a "dealbreaker". Now, I wouldn't dream of turning around and issuing an ultimatum along the lines of "if we don't get married, we're finished", but I just can't see how this will resolve itself without my getting hurt. Also, there's the baby to consider. I said to him that the situation was similar to a couple where one party wanted kids and the other didn't, but he refused to see the similarities.

What should I do? I want to be with him, but I want to get married too. Why should I give up on what I want and what I believe in? He was all for it until he met me, and I feel unworthy and deflated.

Seraphina

what do you think marriage can offer that a long term, stable relationship cant?

honestly, why is it so important to you? the big day, the fancy party, the binding contract, the status of being married, the tax breaks?

i think you should seriously consider why you want to be married so much? if you have a good relationship and a child and such, why do you need this? what difference will it actually make to the relationship, other than putting him under pressure and making him feel like he's trapped?

considering you have a kid, it obviously cant be a religious thing, so whats the big problem?
relationships are about compromise, and you cant force him into it, or he will just resent you. you should really think about why its such a big deal when it will really change the relationship very little.
think of the holiday you could save up for rather than paying for everyone else's dinner for a day!

quickbeam

inapickle wrote:

He has told me recently now that his mind has completely changed on the marriage thing - he doesn't want to do it, doesn't see the point, thinks it's a waste of money etc.

I know he probably has more reasons against marriage than just the money issue, but there is always room for compromise - a small wedding, even just a civil ceremony. A marriage is different thing than a wedding.

Seraphina's idea about asking yourself why you want to get married is a good idea. But it's also worth discussing with your partner just exactly what it is about marriage that he's against.

I often wonder at people who say "what's the point in getting married, it's only a piece of paper?" Well, if it's only a piece of paper then what's to be scared about? If your partner is with you for the long-haul then what's to be so scared about?

Depending on the reasons each of you have for wanting to get married and not wanting to get married, there may be room for compromise. You just need to discuss it together and be totally honest with each other.

Good luck.

Bamboozled

Talk to him about how you feel and how his change of mind has come about. But dont pressure him into making things up so you can hear something along the lines of what you want to hear. Let him tell it his own way and you can find out the truth about why he changed his mind.

After a long term relationship, its "expected" by a lot of friends and family that there will be a ring and a big day out. I was asked constantly by family friends when would they be buying a hat etc, and so was my fiancé. That made us both quite fed up and very anti-wedding (even moreso than we were). Maybe he's had the same done to him and he feels pressured. It could be any number of reasons.

I was in the same position as you, except for the child. Marriage had been spoken about but not really in a way that you would know whats going on.

Turned out after attending my sisters wedding, and his sisters wedding, my fiancé decided that getting married "wasnt worth the fuss" and that floored me. (This was before he was a fiancé)

He had confused the whole marriage thing with the whole wedding thing and he didnt see the point in spending over 20k on a party. As is usual with females, the whole big white wedding thing was something he thought I wanted.

We're getting married in September after he popped the question 2 weeks ago. We're having a small private family civil ceremony with lunch. It wasnt marriage he was against, it was the waste of money on a big party where we'd know hardly anyone. It was also the idea of a big fuss when he's not into fuss. I'm not into fuss and not long after he found out I wasnt into the idea of big white weddings, that he got the ring and went to talk to my mammy

Does he realise that as a cohabiting couple you dont have the same rights as a married couple, regarding inheriting a house if a partner died, and that your children wouldnt be in the same boat either? I'm sure i havent explained that bit properly but someone else out there might.

Edit: Registry office costs are €100. Thats for everything - the cert, entry into the book etc.

All you need is two witnesses. Lunch for 4 isnt that expensive. If you keep it to immediate family it doesnt work out anywhere near the costs of the big white wedding.

I agree with jimmycrackcorm below. It does offer a bit more security. I've already been in a marriage and while that didnt work out, there are the extra little things compared to not being married and being able to up sticks and just go. It also does make you stop to think that bit longer before doing anything drastic.

There's also the divorce in this country. 4 out of 5 years of separation you have to be living apart. Divorce isnt easy and its certainly not the easy way out. With that, it makes you think about working on a marriage even harder. Without marraige, if someone decides they want to go, they can. There's no strings or legalities. Marriage does offer more security. And it also offers more security to kids and gives them piece of mind.

jimmycrackcorm

Seraphina wrote:

what do you think marriage can offer that a long term, stable relationship cant?

I would say the answer is stability.
Basically the crux of the problem seems to be the cost of getting married and that it is a lot of money for very little. That is so true. However you can simply go to aregistry office and get hitched at very little cost. Have a very simple affair like a family dinner.

While people might say that there is no difference whether or not you aer married if you have a very stable relationship, there actually is. while marriage offers no guarantees, the framework of being in a marriage gives you an edge during those rough periods.

Esel

As people have pointed out, maybe your partner just has a problem with the 'big wedding' thing? If you are a fan of same, you may have to compromise big-time on the issue. You can still have the wedding dress, bridesmaids, etc. You don't really need a big crowd, and nowadays almost everyone has a top-notch digital camera! You'll never look at the Wedding Album anyway. Are Vegas weddings legal here? If so, you could go to the Grand Canyon on your honeymoon.

inapickle wrote:

He was all for it until he met me, and I feel unworthy and deflated.

From your post, this is not really true. He still believed in marriage after you got together. What caused him to change his views? Have any married friends broken up recently? Maybe an unhappily married friend/colleague bending his ear? Cost of houses scaring the sh!t out of him? Relationship counselling might be something to consider.

You may be feeling deflated, but you should not be feeling unworthy. It is not about you, it is about him.

Gilgamesh

imho, it sounds like you want to get married now, this minute.


look, you've been together for 4 years now, you are 25, what's the rush???

it's worked so far for you guys, just give i a few years, and he will probably change his life again.


the only other reason I can think why you want to get married, is because you have security issues with your relationship, and if so, I woudl highly advise to get them on the table and sorted

WhiteWashMan

inapickle wrote:

Right,

I really don't know where to begin with this, so I'll just start typing and hopefully ye can make some sense of it.

I'm 25, have been with my bf for almost 4 years, and we have a baby. Back in the day, when we were first going out, we used to talk about what we wanted when we "grew up", so to speak. The topic of marriage came up, and he was always very pro-marriage. He wanted to do it when he was older, have kids, the works. I was (and still am) of the same mindset, so I didn't envisage any problems.

He has told me recently now that his mind has completely changed on the marriage thing - he doesn't want to do it, doesn't see the point, thinks it's a waste of money etc. The problem is - I still want to get married. I've thought about it, and I am not sure that living with him for the rest of my life, having more kids etc., is what I want without marriage. Now, I'm not here to be told "marriage isn't neccessary" etc. - to me, it kind of is so this is a major problem. And its not a case that he is trying to put the brakes on our relationship - quite the opposite. He sees us being together forever but just won't marry me.

When he told me about his change of mind, I found it very difficult not to take it personally. Here was a person who, all his life, was very pro-marriage, then, he meets me, and almost 4 years down the line is very anti-marriage. I'm traditional, he is too, but he's changed his mind totally and I am bewildered as to what this means for our future. I want to get married. I've always wanted to. And, yes, he is about as perfect a partner as I could hope to find, but still... marriage is a "dealbreaker". Now, I wouldn't dream of turning around and issuing an ultimatum along the lines of "if we don't get married, we're finished", but I just can't see how this will resolve itself without my getting hurt. Also, there's the baby to consider. I said to him that the situation was similar to a couple where one party wanted kids and the other didn't, but he refused to see the similarities.

What should I do? I want to be with him, but I want to get married too. Why should I give up on what I want and what I believe in? He was all for it until he met me, and I feel unworthy and deflated.

it sounds like youre looking to make the step to 'the next step' of the relationship.
and thats ok. i can understand the marriage thing. there is something about being married that you will never have in a 'stable' relationship.

but are you just feeling stuck in a rut type thing, and feel that this will get things back on track?

although to be told out of the bluie that your partners views on life have complete diverged from your own will come as a bit of a shock.
if you are going to be toegethr for the rest of your life, its generally easier to both be on the same journey.
i guess thats something that you and your partner will need to discuss.

metrovelvet

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.

-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

LegacyUser

Seraphina wrote:

what do you think marriage can offer that a long term, stable relationship cant?

Security, stability. If, for some reason, we were to break up and divorce (which I wouldn't expect, but you never know what can happen), there would be the division of assets etc., that generally speaking is easier to do when you are married. It might be a little mercenary in some peoples eyes, but your life changes when you have a child and our child is at the forefront of my mind when I think about the reasons I want to get married.

Seraphina wrote:

honestly, why is it so important to you? the big day, the fancy party, the binding contract, the status of being married, the tax breaks?

A marriage is a completely different beast to a wedding. Its your whole life, whereas the wedding is one day. And its not about the big day, fancy party etc. - I am perfectly happy to get married in a registry office then go for a nice meal with immediate family only. Or even abroad.

Seraphina wrote:

considering you have a kid, it obviously cant be a religious thing, so whats the big problem?

Yes, you are right, its not a religious thing, which is why I would be perfectly happy with a civil ceremony.

Seraphina wrote:

relationships are about compromise, and you cant force him into it, or he will just resent you. you should really think about why its such a big deal when it will really change the relationship very little.

Its a "big deal" because its something I believe in and something that I want for us, both me and him, and for our child. Before I had the baby, I'll admit I was attracted to the allure of having a big day, big dress etc., but that has changed now and I'd rather we were just married in a small ceremony. Thats a compromise on my part. And I don't actually believe marriage doesn't change relationships. I believe that couples work harder to make a marriage work as there's more at stake. You can shoot my beliefs down if you want, but I believe that.

Bamboozled - you hit the nail on the head in your post. It is about security, it is about division of assets, inheritance etc. At the moment, I'm not working as I am a "stay at home mom", so to speak. He is going to be buying a house with his own money, as he is financially better off than I am. We've both spoken about our desire to have more children in the future - if we were to break up, the house is entirely his and I would have nowhere to go. The "work" I'd be doing (bringing up our children, running our home etc) would count to absolutely nothing if push came to shove, and that bothers me.

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

framework of being in a marriage gives you an edge during those rough periods.

I 100% agree with you on this.

esel wrote:

You may be feeling deflated, but you should not be feeling unworthy. It is not about you, it is about him.

I know... it just rankles that somewhere from us getting together to now, his mind changed on the idea and its very difficult not to take it personally.

Gilgamesh - its not that I want to get married right now, this minute. I want to do it in maybe 4-5 years, when I'm around 30. My issue is more his complete change of mind and my opinion that he's not going to change his mind back again.

WWM - its not that we're stuck in a rut, far from it, this whole worry of mine stemmed from a conversation I had with him. He just said it out of the blue, and it floored me.

Thanks for all your replys so far people. I still don't know what I should do really... there's no point in me tackling him about this issue as I don't want to appear to be pressurising him.