http://www.landings.com/_landings/pages/jokes.html

Capt'n Midnight

It was the time of the Soviet Union, communism and control were natural aspects of the everyday life. One day, there was a Tupolev 154 on short final to Oslo Airport. There is a big field of acres close to the runway, and the tower controller alerted the pilots:

"Check the farmers on the right side of the runway"

"They are all working" the soviet pilot responded with a clear Russian accent.



A young pilot is in an airport lounge trying to impress a woman. He tells her he owns an airplane, a (Cessna) C-150. She has no clue what that is and asks him for a description, and with a strieght face, points to a C-130 cargo plane on the ramp and says- "Well That's a C-130".


My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.


Female teminal controller to a male pilot after a lengthy request: "Last time I gave a pilot everything he wanted, I was on antibiotics for three weeks."



Seen FLIEGERMAGAZIN, Germany:

Radar: FranceAir 1234, Confirm are you an airbus 320 or 340

Pilot: 340, of course

Radar: In this case, would you mind switching on the other two engines and giving me 1000 ft/min or more?

Heard in a Lufthansa Boeing 747-400 cockpit:




There once was a captain who enjoyed pranks. As the legend goes, one day he found an unmarked white cane in the terminal. Digging through his bag of goodies, he donned a set of extra-thick gag glasses, and fumbled his way across the ramp to his parked aircraft. The passengers watched as he groped his way up the airstairs and into the main entry. "Hi, Marsha," he sang as he felt for the cockpit doorknob. Pausing, he looks back and forth over the heads of the startled passengers. Through the huge lens, his eyes are three times their normal size. "Say, Marsha, are we hauling people or passengers today?" The matronly attendant smiles graciously and replies softly, "umm... passengers, Sir."

Our hero raises his watch to within an inch to his glasses, and announces for all to hear, "Well then, we'd better start getting them aboard! It's nearly time to leave!"




From Pilot Magazine and entered in Bike Magazine: The article was entitled "In a hurry are we, sir?" (British Police Wit).

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the `enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?), the Harrier was operating unarmed.

-- that old Web guy, mccoy@gothamcity.jsc.nasa.gov



Some our pilots at America West hadn't seen too much of winter soprts, flying out of the desert southwest and all. Well, one of our captains finally flew to LGA a few winters ago.

The arrival routing brings us across several frozen lakes in western NJ and he could see people ice fishing.
Being a BIG bass fisherman he decided to check this out.

After a large order with Cabella's he had all of the "necessary" equipment. He moved all of this junk onto the ice, set up the tent and fired up the power auger.

As ice chips began to fly a voice echoed around him. "There are no fish under the ice." He looked around and could see no one anywhere on the ice. Shrugging his sholders he set back to work. Again the echoing voice, "I said, there are no fish under the ice." He looked about, still no one in sight, then he looked up. "God?" The voice echoed again, "No, this is the rick manager".

--Jeff Baum, Vbaum@Wyoming.com



After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers:

"The turbulance we passed through was rough, but we are through it now."
The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer."

A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.

As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"

--Bruce Beadell, av8a@juno.com







On a quiet sunny afternoon at Dublin Airport in Ireland, a bored air traffic controller watched as two aircraft taxied out to line up for take off.

One was an Aer Lingus Boeing 747 and the other a student pilot on board a Cessna 152. Both were cleared to line up and hold, the 747 on Runway 24 and the Cessna on Runway 35.

Firstly turning his attention to the Cessna the tower radioed: "Echo India Bravo Golf Lima, cleared to take off, Runway 35 with a leftt turnout to the North West sector."

The Cessna took off and put-putted its way into the sky.

Then turning his attention to the 747, the controller said: "Aer Lingus 105 cleared takeoff Runway 24, right turnout direct track to Shannon........... Caution wake turbelence from a departing Cessna off Runway 35."

True story, I heard it myself.

--Liam Byrne - Dublin Ireland, lpbyrne@indigo.ie

An American pilot flying a Gulfie 11 was approaching Dublin Airport, Ireland, obviouslly for the first time, and he contacted Dublin Centre to enquire about visibility at the airport. The controller confirmed that the visibility was fine.
Some five minutes later the Gulfie pilot called again and asked for confirmation that the visibility at Dublin was good and the controller reassured him that Dublin was clear, with no fog.
A third request from the American seeking an update on the visibility at Dublin and the presence of any fog was met by an initial stoney silence, followed by:

"November Blank Blank Blank....Dublin Airport never get's foggy....UNLESS IT'S VERY BADLY PROVOKED!"

--Liam Byrne, lpbyrne@indigo.ie


We had just landed,and was refuling the Archer rental. As we put the fuel in the plane, my instructor suddenly slapped the back of his neck. When he looked in his hand, their lying was a large mosquito.

"Dam" he said "the mosquito's are big this year."

I looked at him and replied, "**** you don't know what a large one is. One time I was working in the NWT in Canada and I had 30 gallons of fuel in one before I relised it wasn't an airplane."

--Jordan Kettle, jstinson@planet.eon.net


This is not a joke: it happened to me on Feb. 14th, 1997, when I was flying from LEE (Florida) to TIX (Titusville, Florida) in a C172 N 5456D:

ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2 o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ...
ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.

This had me and my co-pilot really roaring with laughter... Happy landings !

--Karl Heinz Schmid


A true story:

British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.

Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?"

--Stephen J Castle


A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.
His tears are streaming down his cheeks.
An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four
little kittens we had yesterday!"
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your
father is a real bastard!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that
I could do it."

Capt'n Midnight

Originally written for the Falcon3 mailing list by shanks@saifr00.cfsat.honeywell.com and forwarded with his permission - Jeff.

If you're interested in a simulation of a flight environment, you would be much better off by buying yourself a surplus flight helmet (preferably one that doesn't fit perfectly), a sun lamp (to get your head nice and toasty), and a pair of Nomex/leather flight gloves (soak 'em with sweat/oil/hydraulic fluid for that crisp but slick feel). Put your monitor a little above coffee table height.

Get about 4-5 of those concrete slabs you see at the garden section of your local K-Mart, top'em with the thinnest cheap cushion you can find. (That's your "ejection seat".) Wipe the mask out with denatured alcohol (smells nice), and clamp a rag soaked in JP-4 (kerosene will do) on the end of the oxygen hose, and strap that puppy on 'till it leaves a ring on your face that lasts for hours. (You do this 'cuz when your face is sweaty and you`re pulling Gs, the mask will be on your chin if it isn't on TIGHT.) Turn the sun lamp on and point it at your head.

Now you're doing it like the big boys! Optional "realism" techniques:

Buy some nylon webbing (the kind you use to repair old-fashioned lawn chairs with). Cut two straps of this and wrap them between your legs TIGHTLY (that's your `chute harness).

Play when you've got a BAD hangover. (Rough night at the O Club.)

Have your wife/friend/neighbor pester you with questions out of the Owner's Manual (your pretend "Dash One") while you're trying to fly (Check Ride!)

Get up and play at 4:00 am (otherwise known as "oh-dark hundred"). Make a cheese sandwich, wrap it in waxed paper. Stick it in a shoe box with a half-pint of milk, a bruised apple, a crushed bag of Fritos, and an onion. Put in the fridge overnight, then take it out, throw out the onion, put the box under the sunlamp while you're flying, and eat when you're hungry. (Box lunch.)

With some imagination and very little cash outlay, you can do a hell of a job simulating what it's like to fly. That other **** (side consoles, switches, speakers, etc.) is strictly for show, and doesn't do anything towards giving you that "There I wuz" feeling.

Mark Shanks Principal Engineer, 777 Displays

--Contributed by Chris Zielesch, n739rx@mich.com

Capt'n Midnight

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
afternoon."

biko

Hmmm...

ctrl-alt-delete

biko wrote:

Hmmm...

hmmm... also

Oriel

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

Caution wake turbelence from a departing Cessna off Runway 35."