Random

Capt'n Midnight

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front
of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the
fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and
makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized,
and the lady taken to hospital.

Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?"
she asks.

She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



Two friends meet each other on the street.

"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.

"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.
I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid.

"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?".

"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"


New scientific theories

2nd RunnerUp- The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn
to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it all out.



There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he
looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.
The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there?"
The Indian replied, "Many moons."


A man was complaining to a friend.
"I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a
beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out."


(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visual
first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)
Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also
stretched wide open.
Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (use
visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!


Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Jhold it between your knees.



A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have five
penises!"
The doctor says,"Good lord! How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, "Like a glove."


The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you
have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."



A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer."
Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
"The regiment has voted to replace."



A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."


How to hunt elephants -- Lawyer's style

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds
around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software
lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?



A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down,
then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your
first time in a gay bar?

Hagar

Great stuff Capt'n. You have excelled yourself with this collection.

forbairt

Class I've had to repost nearly all of them on another forum ... few in there I've not heard before as well

TerrorFirmer

You always post great ones.....where you get them I do not know but I haven't heard any of them before either

jobonar

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

(This joke requires the use a small visual. I'll describe the visual
first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)
Visual: Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also
stretched wide open.
Joke: Why did the blonde want to date Jesus? She heard he was (use
visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

ROFL!:D Brilliant!

im...LOST

Hehehe

The first one is hilarious IMO