boyfriend doesn't want sex

LegacyUser

Hey, Im going unreg for this one!

Myself and my boyfriend have been together almost 2 years. Although we never had much of a sex life I always put it down to us not having anywhere to go! We both live at home and never have the money to go away for weekend's etc.
We went on our first holiday together a few weeks ago, we went away for a week. We had a brilliant time and we really got on well!! There was no action though... no matter how much I hinted!! He even slept on the couch for 3 nights out of the 7! Im a good looking girl, I have a nice figure and I never had any problems getting men before!!
He accidently forgot to log out of his email while in my house one night and I was being curious I just had a quick look through his inbox! There were loads of emails from Porn sites! It really upset me to think that he enjoyed looking at other women but yet he show's me no attention whatsoever! I confronted him about it and told him exactly how I feel. He tried to assure me that I was bing silly, the reason why he was like that when we were on holidays was because he was sick (which he was) and that all men whether us women like it or not enjoy looking at porn! (Which I completely understand and accept only it annoys me that he looks at porn but not me!)
My parents went away this weekend, for the two nights they went away my boyfriend slept on the couch, while I slept alone upstairs. This is really upsetting me and I'm not sure what I should do. As I said earlier, Im not ugly and I do have a nice figure so please no smart remarks!
Every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. I would hate to loose him because of this. I need some advice, has anyone else been in a similar situation? What could be wrong?

Dont be at yourself

Maybe he's gay.

Moojuice

maybe he is relly nervous or has no experience. He might be worried about his performance. If you have slept with people before meeting him he may be nervous about performing the act. Ask him about it. Sex is a necessary part of a healthy relationship.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

Miss Fluff

worried242 wrote:

Although we never had much of a sex life I always put it down to us not having anywhere to go!

How much is not much? What age are you guys?

Noelie

worried242 wrote:

Every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. I would hate to loose him because of this. I need some advice, has anyone else been in a similar situation? What could be wrong?

If this carries on you will lose him one way or another, you will end up cheating on him just to get some physical attention. I think after two years this should be seen as a big problem.

As much as i look at porn, which is quite a bit , when my girlfriend is about there is only one winner.

If i was in this situation i would want to sort it out now before the relationship goes any further, espically after 2 years. The other replies may be correct he may be Gay or inexperienced, either way you need to have a serious chat with him.

shinners007

maybe his just into porn more than he admits and stays on the couch flicking through the channels if ys get my meaning....

porn isnt a problem guys like it im a girl i like it too however its only fantasy maybe your bf has forgotten that..

my advise is try talking to him again if nothing changes you need to decide what you want to do. sex is an important aspect of any relationship.

BTW id be so p'd off if my fella looked at porn and ignored me.:eek:

have ye watched porn together maybe that would make him more comfortable and one thing may lead to another...

however i dont belive a guy should need to watch porn on every occasion before having sex with a girl or vice versa.

porn is for fun, sex and love making can be fun but in a relationship it needs to be real and special along with fun if ya know what i mean.

best of luck

jhegarty

worried242 wrote:

There were loads of emails from Porn sites!

make sure you not mixing up spam from porn site with emails he subscribed to...epsically if its a free email address (hotmail,gmail ..etc..etc..)..

zefer

jhegarty wrote:

make sure you not mixing up spam from porn site with emails he subscribed to...epsically if its a free email address (hotmail,gmail ..etc..etc..)..

Dont think that is her biggest problem to be fair!

If your bf doesnt want sex and never did that much in 2 years, I would think there is a serious problem in your relationship..Do you not talk? You really need to sit down and talk to him.
Whatever about him saying he was sick on holidays but then he slept on the couch at weekend?? That is just wierd..

I for one try and get as much as I can all the time with my gf!

You need to have serious chat to him as other posters have said.

Good luck

Kell

worried242 wrote:

There was no action though... no matter how much I hinted!! He even slept on the couch for 3 nights out of the 7! Im a good looking girl, I have a nice figure and I never had any problems getting men before!!

Two years, little sex and you are sticking around? Ahem.

Perhaps it is not just the sex he is not into. Without meaning to upset you, perhaps its you he's not into and he is in a relationship as its convenient.

Jeebus, being at home with the folks shouldnt upset anyones sex life. In fact, it should give rise to sex in exotic locations- up a tree, on the beach, on a church pew, whatever flicks the switch.

His behaviour spells out to me (after two years) that he just isnt up for it to the same extent as you. I would lose him TBH. A healthy sex life is crucial to a happy relationship.

K-

PS- if you are late twenties to early thirties, drop me a PM. I have ways to help your particular problem

Nevyn

It is not THAT unusual trust me just generally not spoken about as the girls/women don't want to be percieved as slutty.

the email stuff is completely secondary to what is going on wtih the two of you
time to sit down and have a talk with him rather then people on the internet.

arctic lemur

My best friend (who's a guy) had the same problem. He was crazy about his girlfriend, they worked together and lived pretty much in the same area. He actually wanted to wait until he was sure order to have a sexual relation ship with her as he had only been with onbe other person. He did everything else with her though but not the sex. she came on too heavy, he freaked and they broke up very badly indeed. I think you should be patient, talk openly and honestly with him. lay all your cards on the table. Things mightnt be too bad when you talk. The worst thing you can do is pile the pressure on and push him away or else you'll lose him. Alternatively he could be avirgin or inexperienced, he may think your experienced and that he feels inferior.

Bottom line is talk, be honest with him.

DubNside

The problem this guy has is that he cannot separate sex from Porn, in his mind viewing pornorgraphic material is like sex and he cannot express his sexual energy with a real person..... Well thats my Dr.Freud bit!

My advice? Make it an ultimatum that its "me or the porn"!

From your messages id say your both quite young, so should be having loads of regular sex, living 2gether or not.

If things dont improve, move on and find yourself someone who does'nt confuse porn with real love!

Pigman II

DubNside wrote:

My advice? Make it an ultimatum that its "me or the porn"!

To quote Mike Donovan from V "Don't make me choose , cos you'll lose .... everytime"

OP you should start cracking on to him more. Show him clearly what your after even if means throwing him on the bed and ripping his kex off! He probably looks at so much porn that he believes that everything going on in his head is not for public/private consumption and hense shouldn't even be solicited from you.

the_syco

I get about 10 to 20 spam mails a day (the unsuscribe button doesn't work:(), so it may not be his fault.

As for not getting any sex after hinting it... well, some of us lads don't see the "hints", so my advice would be to ask him does he wanna fcuk, and if not, why not? Maybe something happened to him in his past, he thinks "his" is small or because you've had a boyfriend before, he'll look daft.

DubNside

Pigman II wrote:

To quote Mike Donovan from V "Don't make me choose , cos you'll lose .... everytime"

OP you should start cracking on to him more. Show him clearly what your after even if means throwing him on the bed and ripping his kex off! He probably looks at so much porn that he believes that everything going on in his head is not for public/private consumption and hense shouldn't even be solicited from you.

Your really showing your age with that quote there PM II!!

I think the OP has tried everything, holidays, parents away, i mean its normally guys that have to be the initiator!
A young woman should not have to try that hard, i mean the guy sleeps on the couch!!

Really OP, you need to make an ultimatum! Life is too short to miss out!

Static M.e.

Maybe he is well quite useless in the sack and he knows so he is looking at the porn for ideas...... I know lots of guys when I was in my teens who learnt that way. Everyone has too learn somehow

no matter how much I hinted

unless he has years of Jedi training dont ever "hint" at guys, most wont pick it up.

Why dont you TELL him that you dont ever want him sleeping on the couch while you have the house yourself, you want him in the bed.

As for

he was sick (which he was)

perhaps he has trouble keeping an errection. Nerve's can deflate any man which by the way we combat we booze .. which is a bad choice because guess what is does aswell , He KNOWS for a fact the last time he slept with you and he also knows that he should be sleeping with you according to guy law*

and that all men whether us women like it or not enjoy looking at porn!

True, some just more than others

Youve been going out for two years, you really must like each other alot. Make him dinner, get a bottle of wine and ask him whats the story. If I was in his situation thats what I would like to happen.


* No Such Law

Hermione*

You definitely need to talk to him. Porn is normal for guys, but the fact that he avoids sharing a bed with you is not. There's obviously something wrong in the relationship, at least from his perspective, that the two of you need to resolve. It might be something fundamental, or he may just be insecure, but either way, it will only be resolved through communication.

Fanny Cradock

DubNside wrote:

Really OP, you need to make an ultimatum! Life is too short to miss out!

It’s easy advice to give such advice to a stranger. I wonder though, would you be as ready to take such a reactionary course if you were in the same situation?

OP, unless you are a feet first type of person (like the person above), why not try TALKING about the obvious problems in your relationship.

vorbis

unless he's completely gone off sex, I'd worry that he is cheating. Your typical guy wouldn't pass up a free house opportunity. Either way you're gonna have to bring matters to a head.

arctic lemur

vorbis wrote:

unless he's completely gone off sex, I'd worry that he is cheating. Your typical guy wouldn't pass up a free house opportunity. Either way you're gonna have to bring matters to a head.

I wouldnt say he's cheating as he is gone off sex, could be another reason.

vorbis

I meant that he might be getting it elsewhere. Something is wrong anyways.

DubNside

Fanny Cradock wrote:

It’s easy advice to give such advice to a stranger. I wonder though, would you be as ready to take such a reactionary course if you were in the same situation?

Yes, its not a normal situation and the OP has let it go on long enough to take this course.

LegacyUser

OP, I was in a very similar situation to you. In a long term relationship with a guy who never wanted sex yet looked at a huge amount of porn. Like you I'd consider myself pretty and attractive and would often get chatted up.
I asked him about it a few times and he'd claim he just wasn't in the mood and to stop bothering him. I'd literally have to force him to have sex at all for the last few months of the relationship.
I did tell him to stop looking at the porn, but he used to do it anyway, just clear the history from his computer after so I couldn't check.
I think he had depression which may have had something to do with it, I'm not an expert on depression.
In the end it was one of the straws that broke the camel's back.
I moved on and found someone else, who's much more interested in me! I'm not saying that you should do exactly the same, but keep it in mind.

Irishsingleshol

ya it time to move on to get someone more interested in you best

Gateway

Maybe what you should try is to turn the table around. As someone already said cock him a meal have a bottle of wine get cosy on the couch, have a kiss and a cuddly. Then tell him that you would like to sleep with him but you don't want to have sex with him just yet as YOU feel nervous.

If he does feel nervous he will most likely admit that he feels nervous as well then you can just take things slowly with him.

Don't just get up to the room and start madly ripping off your clothes. Hop into bed with your clothes on and maybe after a while take your top off. After a few nights like this (next night Jeans off) you'll soon be both naked and he'll feel more confident.

Smellyirishman

If he is sleeping downstairs when the opportuinity to sleep with you is open then something is wrong. Even if he doesn't want sexual contact he should still be eager to stay with you.

Talk with him.

Santa Claus

Could be just inexperience/shyness.

And for the last time ladies, us guys don't do hints or subtleness or any shape or form....throwing your eyes up towards the bedroom will make most lads think you have a nervous tick or there's something on the ceiling which fascinates you.

As many others have said talk to him and if you're ever presented with a similar situation where he takes the couch then join him on the couch and she how he reacts.

DOLEMAN

It sounds like he loves you but isn't attracted to you. Try to figure out what his fantasies are and start from there.

the syco wrote:

I get about 10 to 20 spam mails a day (the unsuscribe button doesn't work),

The unsubscribe button is there to confirm your e-mail address is being used. Clicking it means "send me more spam please".

Blub2k4

worried242 wrote:

He accidently forgot to log out of his email while in my house one night and I was being curious I just had a quick look through his inbox! There were loads of emails from Porn sites! It really upset me to think that he enjoyed looking at other women but yet he show's me no attention whatsoever! I confronted him about it and told him exactly how I feel.

In this day and age if you do anything with an email address online it is very hard to keep the porn off of it, 70% of internet email (this isn't pulled out of a hat, I work in the field) is spam and I'd say about 50% or more of that is porn related.
The porn bit is completely Irrelevant.

I don't think he's cheating, but I don't think what he is doing is particularly normal either.
Nerves could be a part of it, you really need to talk together about it, the trick would be however, dont speak about it when it happens or anytime near the bedroom, do it when no one is annoyed and stress levels can be kept low to avoid a fight or a scene.

Emmo

Talk to him about it, ask him if there is anything bothering him about your relationship and explain that you enjoy having sex with him and that he turns you on so much you would enjoy more sex.

You could ask him is there anything you could do for him (dress up, role play) that he would really enjoy because you like sex with him so much.

He might be tired, sick, under stress, head ****ed and hence not in the mood for thinking about sex.

Even start with something small like telling him you where day dreaming about a time you had sex together, then describe in detail how turned on it made you.

Try and kick start the engine, dont criticise or he might just withdraw completely. Boost the ego and make him feel like a stud and he might just play the role for you.

If that doesnt work then a frank discussion about the topic without scoring points or argueing.

Maybe he isnt picking up on your signals?

Good luck and I hope it works out for the best.

Emmo

Hagar

It is also possible that he is getting over an STD and isn't sure it's gone yet.

azezil

What manner of porn does he look at, perhaps if you done some role playing, emulate the porn he looks at?

EWheelChair

OP, maybe its time you moved on.. don't be afraid to pm me, id love to be in this sort of position ;D Try seducing him, rather than dropping giving hints.. lingerie maybe?

I like porn as much as the next guy, but it never even comes to mind when im going out with someone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the suggestions....

I know he's not nervous!! We have had sex before and he has had a lot of sexual partners in the past. (Which make's me feel even more inadequate!)
The emails which I saw were confirmations of registering with the sites... not the spam that everyone gets! One in particular was for a site where you create a profile and you basically get to chat erotically with other women who have created profiles! This really pissed me off because there is one thing looking at porn but then its a totally different issue when he's getting turned on by random women and not by me??
He isn't cheating, thats a fact. I completely trust him that way, besides we are around eachother too much for him to have a chance to cheat on me with anyone!!... which is probably part of the problem! We probably see eachother too much!
I am 21 and he's 22, I can't remember the last time we've had sex! It was months ago... so it's definately not just me being demanding!
Someone said "It sounds like he loves you but isn't attracted to you" ... thats exactly the way it feels.
I spoke to him again last night about it, I told him exactly how I feel. He says that he thinks its because he takes drugs. He doesn't take them all the time, just maybe once every couple of weeks he'd take coke or ectasy. He says he never feels good about himself anymore and that he turns to porn because he can't deal with the reality of having sex! He says it annoys him just as much that we don't have sex. We are going to try and work things out, which means he has to stop taking drugs. Hopefully things will work out, there isn't much point of us staying together as a couple if we are more like friends!

milod

worried 242 wrote:

T
The emails which I saw were confirmations of registering with the sites... not the spam that everyone gets! One in particular was for a site where you create a profile and you basically get to chat erotically with other women who have created profiles!

He says that he thinks its because he takes drugs. He doesn't take them all the time, just maybe once every couple of weeks he'd take coke or ectasy. He says he never feels good about himself anymore and that he turns to porn because he can't deal with the reality of having sex!

Sounds like an addictive personality - he could be addicted to porn, which offers a fantasy beyond anything he can find in reality. He may also feed off the adrenalin rush when meeting strangers online - it's an unreal world where you can be whoever you want to be...

You shouldn't feel inadequate because the more he 'feeds' off porn the more unrealistic the sexual urges become. It's a well documented psychological phenomonen where the person actually needs to fantasize about pornographic scenarious to achieve orgasm while engaging in real lovemaking.

I reckon he needs psycho-sexual counselling to overcome this... my partner does this for a living but I won't use these boards to promote her - she's busy enough already. You should contact the IACP and ask them to recommend a counsellor - but of course you must first discuss that with your boyfriend...

Blub2k4

worried 242 wrote:

I spoke to him again last night about it, I told him exactly how I feel. He says that he thinks its because he takes drugs. He doesn't take them all the time, just maybe once every couple of weeks he'd take coke or ectasy. He says he never feels good about himself anymore and that he turns to porn because he can't deal with the reality of having sex! He says it annoys him just as much that we don't have sex. We are going to try and work things out, which means he has to stop taking drugs. Hopefully things will work out, there isn't much point of us staying together as a couple if we are more like friends!

That sounds like a bull excuse to me.
Let us know if getting off the drugs works, but it just sounds to me like he's picked on something that you dont like him doing, I may be wrong, but do you disapprove? Did he just throw you a bone?

LegacyUser

No, It's not something that I don't like him doing! I don't mind him taking drugs, I take them myself every so often! It just doesn't have that effect on me! Maybe he is just using that as an excuse, I don't know?

LegacyUser

milod wrote:

Sounds like an addictive personality - he could be addicted to porn, which offers a fantasy beyond anything he can find in reality. He may also feed off the adrenalin rush when meeting strangers online - it's an unreal world where you can be whoever you want to be...

You shouldn't feel inadequate because the more he 'feeds' off porn the more unrealistic the sexual urges become. It's a well documented psychological phenomonen where the person actually needs to fantasize about pornographic scenarious to achieve orgasm while engaging in real lovemaking.

I reckon he needs psycho-sexual counselling to overcome this... my partner does this for a living but I won't use these boards to promote her - she's busy enough already. You should contact the IACP and ask them to recommend a counsellor - but of course you must first discuss that with your boyfriend...

Yeah, I alway's say that.... he really does have an addictive personality! He gets hooked on everything he does... it could really be what is wrong
Thanks.

Blub2k4

worried242 wrote:

Yeah, I alway's say that.... he really does have an addictive personality! He gets hooked on everything he does... it could really be what is wrong
Thanks.

All you need to do then is get him onto sex! problem solved (not).

tj-music.com

Santa Claus wrote:

And for the last time ladies, us guys don't do hints or subtleness or any shape or form....throwing your eyes up towards the bedroom will make most lads think you have a nervous tick or there's something on the ceiling which fascinates you..

Bang on correct, we simply don´t!!

Puteq

Well I dont know if this is your thing but maybe you could sit down and watch some porn with him? every guy looks at porn, thats a fact, though not normally to the extent of signing up to sites and stuff. Maybe once ye share in that experience it would lead to sex? personally I cant imagine a guy watching porn and a chick comes on to him and he refuses. Of course it would be a problem if this weas the only way to initiate sex, but to kick things off again it would be no harm. i reckon if that didnt work, the problem is waaay deep rooted