Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

How to say no?

Options
  • 11-06-2006 3:03am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Long time Boards user but I’m going unregged for this one. I hope the mods don’t mind but I’m posting this in PI and LBG for reasons that should become clear as you read.

    Where to start? Ok. There’s this other message board I’m on that’s small compared to Boards but it has about 500 users of which around 60ish (incl. me) are very active. Of the 60 users we get a high turnout, about 30+ at any one time, for our real-life meetings which take place every few weeks.

    One of the other members who I met at these events has recently sent me a message in which he said in very plain language:
    • That hes gay
    • He thinks maybe I’m gay and hinted at looking for confirmation
    • He really liked meeting me
    • He really wants to meet me again (specifically me rather than board members in general)
    • Invited me to accompany him to an event (this one is a bit strange so I’ll come back to it)
    Reading this message from him left me completely speechless.

    I suppose a bit of background on him might be a good idea at this point: He is quite a bit older than me but by how much I’m not sure as I’ve never actually asked him and he is between 1 to 2 years out of a very serious very long term relationship that ended due to a death. He seems like a very nice guy who’s easy to get on with.

    You’ll probably want a bit of background on me now so here goes: I’m mid-twenties with ZERO relationship/dating experience and have no interest in gaining any at this time. I’m very quiet/introverted/shy and some would say socially inept. I wouldn’t go that far myself but others would.

    And now we get to my problem. Knowing that I’m going to be meeting this guy regularly with the same group of friends how do I tell him in no uncertain terms that I’m not looking for a relationship and more importantly that I’m not gay? I don’t want to come off as playing hard to get but at the same time I don’t want to blow him out of the water on what’s possibly his first venture back into the dating scene. Relating to people is not something that comes easily to me so trying to put this delicately yet firmly is beyond me.

    I almost forgot, I said I’d come back to that event I told you about earlier. He’s asked me to go as his guest but then later qualifies it as socializing with no presumptions. Am I just reading to much into this? I suppose you’d really have to read the whole message but for obvious reasons I cant post that.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Annasopra
    Registered Users Posts: 41,062 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Just be very firm, kind and polite - tell him you are not gay and that you are flattered at the attention but not interested - be as clear as possible

    One thing though would you actually attend the event if it was guaranteed to be socialising with no presumptions?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Options
    #3
    azezil
    Registered Users Posts: 11,397 ✭✭✭✭azezil


    I wouldn't say flattered, implys on some level you enjoy the attention, just say, 'Look I'm sorry, but I'm not gay and I don't feel comfortable acompanying you to [the event]'.

    Its frank, to the point and leaves no openings for 'what if..'.


  • Options
    #4
    EyeDeeOne
    Registered Users Posts: 317 ✭✭EyeDeeOne


    say no, run away, tell someone..


  • Options
    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks everyone! I sent him an email today in which I used the phrase "...not being gay myself..." and told him I wouldn't be able to go to the event with him so I hope he got the hint. He did reply and was full of chat so he didn't appear to be put out by it which is good. I think. Guess I'll find out the next time I actually meet him.


Advertisement