Farting!

irlrobins

InFront wrote:

Has anyone ever farted during sex?

Well there's fanny farts! But yea, one time she let one rip during sex. Funny feeling to have wind blowing across your nut sack.

Anyway OP, if you can't fart in the toilet where can you fart? I think she's being unreasonable. Next she'll be asking you to shit in a toilet that's not at home in case she smells it.

I think you're being very considerate as it is. Once me and gf got over the "getting to know each other stage" nothing was stopping me from my morning ritual of tooting as I wake.

Duckjob

My favorite are those little 'parps' that slip out while emptying a full bladder in the morning. Nobody should be denied the pleasure of those...

thebaz

in general it seams to me that males fart more than females , certainly more openly ... in my last serious relationship .. we were get steamy on our 2nd date after a bellyfull of beer .. and she let one rip .. she didn't bat an eylid ... and got back to more serious business ... the prim and proper ones don't seam to have this attitude or a better constitution ... she continued to blast openly throughout our long relationship .. history now..

The Bollox

not in bed but anywhere else

what is so wrong with farting? we all do it. I mean we shouldn't chew food or gum with our mouths open, but foes that stop you when you are walking around? no. oh and dog farts are the worst! they STINK! but are hi-larious

actually talking about hi-larious, the funniest Scare At Bedtime I ever watched was one with some chick who had some bowel problem, I can't remember what it was called, chronic something. anyway I pissed myself watching it, does anyone know of the episode which I am talking about?

Kinetic^

not in bed but anywhere else

I'm male and yes I fart but it's mainly down to my high protein diet. I tend to do it anywhere except when I'm in the office when I don't do it at all.

Funny story, one of my mates (and yes it was a mate and not me) was on the receiving end of oral and he farted in the girl's face........how's that for a facial!!!!!!

qz

not in bed but anywhere else

Male - fart anywhere so long as its not in the company of sexy sexy women.

Rb

I'd have to go for "Any time when nobody is around" but would extend it to "any time when nobody is around or shall be for the expected duration of the smell(should there be one)".
I can't stand when someone passes wind when I'm around, find it absolutely disgusting and extremely inconsiderate (as well as extremely rude/unmannerly).
What I hate even more is those smug f*cks who'll gladly do it with people around and then laugh at it, or act as though they've just conquered some great achievement. I think if someone accidentally does it, fair enough, an apology/excuse me would be fine, but doing it purposely is sick.
Saying its not to be done in the bathroom is a bit much though, it has to be done somewhere and the bathrooms the best place for it 'cause if SouthPark has taught us anything, it's that holding it in for too long leads to self-combustion.

Rb

Marts wrote:

oh and dog farts are the worst! they STINK! but are hi-larious

Lol, I'd have to agree with that! When my old dog had eaten, a gentle* squeeze on his stomach and he'd let one rip...absolutely priceless and provided many hours of laughs.



*Extremely gentle...I don't hurt animals

The_B_Man

anytime as long as its silent

I once farted and burped at the same time! true story.

the Guru

not in bed but anywhere else

That is the funniest thread, I have seen in a long time, Just let it rip. I usually wait a few months or so before I start farting in a relationship, after that there's no stopping me.

raheny red

not in bed but anywhere else

The_B_Man wrote:

I once farted and burped at the same time! true story.

*HIGH FIVE* - That, sir, is amazing, once it's done the first time it get's easier and easier.

Next time you're in the bath, and you have to fart, put your legs together and the bubbles come out at your knees :cool:


BTW farting is funny...............:)

dubtom

not in bed but anywhere else

wtf? what's there to like?
Some knacker-bag farts beside you on the bus... so you smile, sniff it and give him a high-five?

LOL, classic. Yes I do if it's not rotten. I myself have achieved a state of unsmelly farts, most of the time,I must be special, or maybe it's because the gas doesn't get a chance to fester. My partner believes it's a sign of affection when I let rip in her presence, I especially like letting go as she's spooning me.

Your girlfriend really must lighten up OP, can you imagine a life of cramps because you haven't the freedom to express yourself.

mang87

anytime as long as its silent

fart anywhere

I hear holding in farts has been linked to spontaneous human combustion! Holding it could end in your death!


atleast that's what I tell people

The_B_Man

anytime as long as its silent

back in the olden times, people used to think fartin was the devil comin outta ur ass, so they held it in...thats why they all get leprosy! im tellin ya!

Kintarō Hattori

not in bed but anywhere else

Male

I'm extremely lucky. I can fart as long and hard as I like, even right beside my girlfriend while we're in bed and she doesn't mind. I do occasionally apologize, but more often than not she'll laugh at my farts and commend me on a good one.

Bard

not in bed but anywhere else

Can't really even believe the people who claim not to even let themselves fart in public and wait until there's no-one around... sure, you'd explode...

Kernel32

not in bed but anywhere else

I come from a great family of farters. Ma, da, brothers have all been open farters. My speciality is to release a silent but smelly one just as I have paid in a shop so I can leave a little bit of me behind. Yes I am that smelly bast@rd who farted in the line.

Sizzler

not in bed but anywhere else

Suggestion for the OP

www.tradeinyourmoth.com *



* Might not actually be a real website

padi89

not in bed but anywhere else

kjt wrote:

Different thing altogether tbh.
Somebody's fart wont give u cancer!
+smoke = one of the most horrible smells imaginable!

Ive never come home after a night out stinking of farts

Pighead

The_B_Man wrote:

I once farted and burped at the same time! true story.

Sorry The_B_Man but that is a blatant lie. Everybody knows that if you fart and burp at the same time your eyes will pop out.

Have you ever had those farts that come out in rapid succcession when you're walking down the street. Like they are in rhythm with your walking pattern. Each time your foot hits the ground a fart is released. Its almost like you've got fart shoes on.

When Pigheads down at the frozen food section in his local spar he'll let one off and quickly realise that theres another 5 or 6 on the way. So I quickly make my way out of the shop slowly releasing stinky rapid fire farts in my wake. The people in the shop always know that its me whos been farting as I usually start giggling a bit.

BoozyBabe

anytime as long as its silent

Tell her to get a grip!!!!

Joeface

anytime when nobody is around

now I have to admit im not one of the free spirits that seem to be posting hear but I really dont care either way.......also I must point out that tears of laughter are running down my face , one of the best threads I have ever read. Now to my point this is the tale of the Bluedrax and the daz
and this is why im against any time any where
The bluedrax invites the Daz around and while the daz is in the bluedrax's home he asks permission use the bathroom , the bluedrax been the polite host that he is offers up his toilet .Now the Daz does something awful in there not sure if it was something he eat, or that its just him . but the Bluedrax landlady called round to check a leak in the bathroom. with out warning they enter the polluted air space and close the door . Bluedrax to his horror realised the stench all to late as the Daz sat grinning and proud of the poisions he had relased ........so im against any where any time . I have even had to ban the Daz from using my bathroom when he calls

keep it to your own home ...any where there is fine

fly_agaric

anytime as long as its silent

Dec McC wrote:

IShe says i should stop this as she has to go in to the toilet after me and also says she can hear it from the bedroom and finds it repulsive.

M.

Gods, things have come to a pretty pass if its bad taste and impolite to fart in the toilet. Ones own toilet at that!

Would she prefer you explode, or spontaneously combust after a large meal of beans or other FartFoods (see that Sky Crapumentary on this?)?

Maybe she's expecting you to ram one of those Glade Airfreshener things up your arse or something so that everytime you fart a sickly-sweet floral pong emerges from your anus!

raheny red

not in bed but anywhere else

The worst (or best ) components is a few pints of heiniken and a curry afterwards, this will ensure that the next morning/afternoon will be unbearable for anyone.

Another one is, marrowfat peas mixed in with mash potatoes and brown YR sauce and a sprinkle of Aromat pepper (yummy ). This will kick in within an hour after your meal.

You've been warned, enjoy

BrianD3

The worst (or best ) components is a few pints of heiniken and a curry afterwards, this will ensure that the next morning/afternoon will be unbearable for anyone.

I find the vilest farts are produced by onions. Garlic also produces good results but I think onions are better. The best fart food is stuffing - breadcrumbs, fat, herbs and onion mixed together.

Beer, curry and bake bean farts pale into insignificance in comparison

Evil_Bilbo

beer produces the most farts, but red meat (beef/steak/mince) defo the smelliest - well - nothing rivals the christmas dinner farts.

OP - bide your time - its only a matter of time till your gf tries to sneak one out and it comes out as an audible fart. This gives you a greencard to fart as loudly and as close to her as you can. I held in my farts for a few months when I started going out with my gf. She'd get up in the middle of the night to wee, and I'd be letting about 10 litres of farts rip before she'd get back to bed (wafting the smell away as best I could) - but as soon as she farted in my presence (going down the stair - complete accident) I laughed and took it as a greencard to loose my bowel and say "fck me I've been holding that in for months"

no farting in your toilet? you should do a machine-gun fart in that woman's open mouth.

Dave!

It really depends on the company, whether it's alright to fart. Like if I'm in the room with my brother, or my mate, then I'll have no trouble in letting one rip, as they won't be appalled, as they are filthy b*stards. They may even fire a retort in my direction! :eek:

But if I'm sitting with a girlfriend, then I'll hold it in. Every time I went to my girlfriend's house I'd have to hold in my gassy badness -- for hours!!! :eek: The walk to the bus-stop as I was going home was bliss, though As Pighead said, the ones that come out with each step

I think the OP's girlfriend should take a run and jump, to be honest. It's one thing farting in her presence, but in the toilet? F*ck off!!! I'd tell her to go f*ck herself on that front. Try telling her to stop sh*tting in the toilet, cos it's disgusting. She should just hold it in. The rancid pig.

jobonar

In work LMAO at this thread... getting funny looks for it too! Brilliant thread!!!

eh depends on the situation but if it has to be done, it has to be done!! no holding it in... if in work/home/with gf i'll sneak them out but with mates anything goes!

1 of my mates managed to empty a fair sized room with a fart after couple of beers and chinese! it was disgraceful! ya couldnt breathe in the room(literally) and 1 of the other lads thought he was gonna get sick! it was an unholy and undescribable stench!!!

i will never forget that! it was both one of the funniest and disgusting things ever but we laughed for hours that night and still laughed about it to this day! i dont see much wrong with it! its all natural and part of life so why should it be frowned upon so much?! let 'er rip!

Dun laoire

not in bed but anywhere else

The missus doesnt be overjoyed by any means when i let one loose, but she has accepted it and on the odd occasion she has tilted the cheek in my direction when we're relaxing on the couch just to get me back so fair is fair i suppose.

A few good names for farts

aerosolized stool
anal acoustics
backdoor trumpet
barking spiders
belching clown
burp that comes out the wrong end
chemical warfare
crunchy frog
Dutch oven (farting in bed and pulling the covers over one's head to smell it)
eggy whiffo
flaming cornhole
grounds for divorce
message from the interior
misdirected burp
nicotine stains in the Hanes
popcorn fart (a dry fart)
ringtailed roarer
smelly jelly (a wet fart )
S.O.D. (stench of death)
talking pants
voice of the toothless one
wind beneath the cheeks

stovelid

Male

From my experience (admittedly extensive), its not the sound but the smell. I would guess that even the sound of a non-smelly will annoy a lot of women because of the association with smelly ones.

BrianD3 wrote:

I have never heard of anyone having a problem with hearing someone farting in a TOILET. But many women are uptight about farting and sh1tting. Your gf sounds like she's particularly uptight.

irlrobins

I usually find it's the quiet ones that smell worse....

TerrorFirmer

anytime as long as its silent

jobonar wrote:

1 of my mates managed to empty a fair sized room with a fart after couple of beers and chinese! it was disgraceful! ya couldnt breathe in the room(literally) and 1 of the other lads thought he was gonna get sick! it was an unholy and undescribable stench!!!

Thats exactly what happened us once. Now as I said before I think its pretty gross to be doing them in the company of others like that, but being lads and all, I wouldn't pass much notice when one of the lads does let one rip.

Except this one time my friend did this long, weird raspy one....for a few seconds, nothing but laughter...then the laughter started to fade as the smell began to rise....it got so bad that I felt naseaus, it smelt like someone had mixed vomit and sh!t together and put it on the stove!!! Without doubt THE worst smell I've ever encountered, and that is no lie.

Funsterdelux

not in bed but anywhere else

Arsey Farsey had a party,

all his friends were there,

Ousey Goosey let a juisy,

and they all went out for air.

uncle ernie

Anto McC wrote:

Anytime when nobody is around,it must always be silent,i find loud farts repulsive,in fact i even find the word repulsive and i cant understand how anyone can find humour in it!

if a lumberjack farts in the forest and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

MR DAZ

This thread made great morning reading...;)


Ah jasus..there's nothing better than a good ole fart....but be warned sometimes farts can be trojan horse's!!!!

natter

not in bed but anywhere else

I'm a girl and would be all for open farting in a relationship. I've heard of married couples who never fart in front of each other... thats just wrong. It's one of the most discusting things our body does naturally and should be shared with your loved ones. A relationship could never work if the 2 of ye are full of air fit to burst the whole time.

However I would favour the oul burb over the fart, as the saying goes:
"Why fart it and waste it, when you can belch it and taste it!!"

irlrobins

trojan horse's!

HelterSkelter

AnitaMcCluskey, Anto McC, InFront, The Gnome, tuxy - You think people should NEVER fart??!!!!

Dun laoire

not in bed but anywhere else

uncle ernie wrote:

if a lumberjack farts in the forest and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Just ask the lumberjack. Haha you made a bollix of that one:D

Dun laoire

not in bed but anywhere else

irlrobins wrote:

I usually find it's the quiet ones that smell worse....

Never a truer word spoken. Hence the saying "Silent but Violent"

MrTimewalk

I may be slightly off topic here but an interesting question was posed to me yesterday. Why don't dogs make loud farts?

Dun laoire

not in bed but anywhere else

MrTimewalk wrote:

I may be slightly off topic here but an interesting question was posed to me yesterday. Why don't dogs make loud farts?

Good question, ive asked my girlfriends mothers dog hundreds of times but he's just ignorant and wont answer. But dogs are the "silent but violent" type of farters.

InFront

As a general rule of thumb (though Im not sure where youd ever need to know it apart from boards) the smaller the animal, the more silent the fart. For example you wouldnt hear the same anal outburst from a Bichon Frise as you do from, say, a horse or a cow. That said theyre not always completely silent

VroomVroom

anytime as long as its silent

Dogs seem to 'brew up' farts for weeks on end, then release them into the wild. It is worse than anything a person could ever come up with.

Dogs always seem to open one eye to fart too...

Dun laoire

not in bed but anywhere else

Milo's (my girlfriends mothers dog) fart sounds like a really long "F"

Archeron

MrTimewalk wrote:

I may be slightly off topic here but an interesting question was posed to me yesterday. Why don't dogs make loud farts?

You've never met my dog. While they arent exactly loud, they do fit perfectly in under the word "parp" Funny, he looks around when he does it as well as if checking if he was caught.

Really though, you should have a fair idea of what sort its gonna be. (depending on food and drink intake, plus any predecessors that day) If its a stinky wind day, then go outside. If its a dry one with no real evil attached, then fart ye at will.
I do remember once someone farted in my car driving up Howth head. Same as a previous post, it was very funny til the smell turned up. We actually had to stop the car in the middle of the road (I couldnt see) and get out for about 10 minutes while it cleared. It was disgusting, but it was still bloody funny. 4 blokes standing on the side of the road coughing with water streaming from their eyes

ST*

MrTimewalk wrote:

Why don't dogs make loud farts?

Theories are:

• The amount of gas is small, but potent.
  
• The horizontal orientation of their gastrointestinal system puts less pressure on the opening, so gas is expelled more slowly.
  
• Their anal sphincters don't close as tightly as humans.

My foreign neighbours used to give my dog their spicy left over food, it made for some pretty disasterous smells. Much like Archerons situ, myself and a few others were off up the mountains and brought the dog with us. We had to evacuate the car a few times because he was so bad.

• Indigestible carbs are one of the main causes of flatulance in humans.
• There is an average delay of 13-20 seconds before it reaches someone elses nose, so that is how long you have to leave the room and escape the blame.

Dave!

ST* wrote:

• Their anal sphincters don't close as tightly as humans.

You know this from experience?

ST*

DaveMcG wrote:

You know this from experience?

Absolutely! nothing does it for me more than a dogs behind.
I do believe I forgot the link to my info source in my last post.

fly_agaric

anytime as long as its silent

^^Fascinating webbilink there ST*!

I'm sure it would be right up the OP's girlfriend's back alley.

"A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while in the bathroom. This is known as morning thunder and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household"