How many chances do you give a friend?

BoozyBabe

Ok, I'll try to keep this brief......

Been friends with a girl since 97, where we met each other at college & lived together.
We've kept in touch ever since, well sort of:- this is my problem, & it's been ongoing for more than 2 years now

She has a child, so she's more responsibilities than before (would be 5 now)

We'd chat on the phone (we don't live that near each other anymore), she'd tell me the father had the child this weekend, would I come up, she'd love to see me.

I would drive all the way to see her.

A few weeks later:- the same thing, & again & again & again.

Now, I loved spending time with her, but every now & again I'd suggest going out in my town instead, even suggested that I'd go collect her & bring her down, suddenly she couldn't make it (this happenend every time)

In all the years we've been friends, she's never been in my home town.

anyway, due to this, these meetings sort of dwindled a bit.

We continued to talk every so often, but eventually they dried up a bit too.

I'd text her every few weeks to say hi, I'd get no reply (this was also the case all through our friendship)

Not wanting to lose our friendship, I'd ignore lack of response & text her again in a few weeks, asking how she was doing, etc... No reply.

Now, you could say she's ignoring you, leave her alone, but then I tell you, she could text me maybe once a year, or phone & say, where have you been etc & almost blame me for lack of contact, when I've been trying my best.

Also, when I text her, I suggest I come up to see her (again, me make the effort), in case she's down, just to catch up in each others lives etc, but no response)

I mean I even text her at Christmas to wish her a happy one, I get nothing.

Yet, we talked for nearly 2 hrs on the phone last October, as if nothing had changed between us. I've had 1 text since then.

She's a really nice person, & I do like her company (though I can barely remember it), but I'm really fed up of being ignored.

At this stage, would you give up on her, or what would you do?

(I did comment a few years ago on never getting replies from her, in a joking way. She just said, oh yea, I'm crap at that) which is completely fair enough, but still, a week, even a month later, even the worst texter would say, "god, I got a text from Mary the other week & never got back to her, I must send her a text", wouldn't you think???)

Hmm_Messiah

I wonder have we the same friend

In my case her life is hectic and difficult in many ways. She contacts me as relief I think, an escape from her real life and a short return to the "old days" she often says she mises. She would arrange many visits but might actually arrive once in the year, texts irregularly and then has a way of letting me know that thats her last text etc.

I am ok with it because we are friends , and becuase I liek that she sees me as some one she has an easier, enjoyable time with.

At the same time I don't think what either of us desrcribed is a real friendship. I would seriously consider you telling your friend how you feel; if your friendship is important she will make some little effort at least . No matter about being crap at text/phoning, not responding to a friend is eventually just rude.

my friend has written many letters explaining her behaviour and so its something I accept. I think you need to considerthis friendship and share your concerns. Some times I find this is best done by a well worded considered letter; there can't be confusion, or rows on the fone, or misheard words, or hang ups!

Miss Fluff

She has a child, so she's more responsibilities than before (would be 5 now)

Think you may have hit the nail on the head there BoozyBabe. Have a friend similar to this myself who I'd consider a good friend who I've known since I was 12 but see her once in a blue moon! Lives an hour from Dublin and has a little girl and to be honest things are different when you are footloose and fancy free.

Some people are just really pants at keeping in touch. If you like the girl BB, keep the lines of communication open anyway. It's not like she's a huge part of your life as it is so I think it would be foolish to cut her out of your life and make dramatic gestures when you don't see her all that much anyway. Continue to keep in touch periodically but don't take it personally.

BoozyBabe

Thanks for your reply.

You know what though:-
This is how sad it is: I don't even know what she works at? I don't think she has a job, so she should have plenty of time, but that doesn't matter.

How should a friend not know whether or not their friend has a job.

She's been in her current house (if she's still there!!) over a year now, & I don't even know where it is, I don't have the address, could even send her a birthday card.

I'm going out with my current bf nearly a year now:- she's never met him, yet she's supposed to be a friend.

& it's not from the want of trying. I've tried SO much to let her know I'm still here, that I value her as a friend, that I'll make the effort to come visit, but she ignores me.

Every time I text her, I say "this is the last time, if she doesn't reply at some stage to this message, I'm finished with her", knowing she won't reply, but a few weeks / months later, I say I'll give her another chance, but I really don't know why I bother.

The last time I was talking to her (last October) she was trying to arrange a night where it'd suit us to meet, we'd so much to catch up on, our lives had changed so much since we last met up, how she missed our nights out, etc, etc, etc (all her words). October was like how many months ago???

I've thought about letting her know how I feel. Can't do the letter thing, cos don't know where she lives.

If I do it by phone or text, I know she'll say what am I going on about? That there's no such situation, but that's just how she goes on. She'll make me feel really silly for feeling like this.

It's not just me who notices it though, my ex & now even my current bf are / were saying "why do you bother?" They don't understand why I do.

I have done because she is a friend. But even I am beginning to wonder now....

Wing Walker

Many of us are in the same boat with friends over distances. Sometimes it's just not feasible to keep up contact all of the time. She does have a child now and that can change some people's priorities. And sometimes it's just down to pure laziness. We're all guilty of not being arsed at times.

It might be hard for you because you'd prefer regular contact, but if I were you I'd just accept as much as she's willing to give. Don't feel guilty though if she makes out that it's you that hasn't kept things going. "Friends" can be like that at times. You can either accept it and say nothing or else move on and not contact them at all anymore.

Best of luck with it.

Edit (after your last post)
Seriously, I'd have to agree with your bf (and ex's). Why do you bother? You don't know what she works at and you don't even know where she lives. You're putting in so much energy to a relationship that this person doesn't seem to want. People change!

You've got to get some closure on this. If she contacts you, well and good. If not, then don't waste any more time with them. That might seem a little harsh but I've seen this kind of crap happen to people I've known and it's not nice to see them so disappointed.

BoozyBabe

Miss Fluff wrote:

She has a child, so she's more responsibilities than before (would be 5 now)

Think you may have hit the nail on the head there BoozyBabe. Have a friend similar to this myself who I'd consider a good friend who I've known since I was 12 but see her once in a blue moon! Lives an hour from Dublin and has a little girl and to be honest things are different when you are footloose and fancy free.

Some people are just really pants at keeping in touch. If you like the girl BB, keep the lines of communication open anyway. It's not like she's a huge part of your life as it is so I think it would be foolish to cut her out of your life and make dramatic gestures when you don't see her all that much anyway. Continue to keep in touch periodically but don't take it personally.

I'm afraid I have to take it personally Miss Fluff, but thanks for your reply.

Her child is now at school, so she's lots of time on her hands, the father collects the child Fri afternoon & leaves the child back Sun night, every 2nd weekend, where she has all the time in the world to do whatever she wants, no ties.

Last I knew, she was single.

So, you're saying that in 2+ years, having a child means you don't have time to send your friend the odd text, practically ever, but that friend should continue to keep in contact & keep getting ignored anyway, & not to take it personally????

Like I wished her happy birthday. I never even got a reply of thanks.......


I don't mean to come across as agro, & I'm defo not having a go at you, it's just in this situation, I really don't feel it all can be blamed on having a child

Miss Fluff

BoozyBabe wrote:

I'm afraid I have to take it personally Miss Fluff, but thanks for your reply.

Her child is now at school, so she's lots of time on her hands, the father collects the child Fri afternoon & leaves the child back Sun night, every 2nd weekend, where she has all the time in the world to do whatever she wants, no ties.

Last I knew, she was single.

So, you're saying that in 2+ years, having a child means you don't have time to send your friend the odd text, practically ever, but that friend should continue to keep in contact & keep getting ignored anyway, & not to take it personally????

Like I wished her happy birthday. I never even got a reply of thanks.......


I don't mean to come across as agro, & I'm defo not having a go at you, it's just in this situation, I really don't feel it all can be blamed on having a child

I can see your point, fair enough, I suppose it's difficult not to take personally. I guess all you can do, rather than getting increasingly frustrated with it then is to explain exactly to her in no uncertain terms how hurtful and annoying you find her behaviour. Just be completely upfront with her. If she doesn't improve then I guess it's a case of not bothering if she doesn't value your friendship enough to make the small effort that you are asking of her.

BobTheBeat

Its a toughie, that probably alot of people go through. The years following leaving college will undoubtedly be made difficult by losing contact with friends. Its the hardest thing to do if they aren't living local to you.

Your friend just has a different life now,one in which, she unfortunately finds it difficult to fit you into. Its clear she is causing the problem, dont blame yourself. But I think you should say it to her, next time you are having one of those two hour long calls tell her that you really miss her and you cant understand why things are the way they are (explain how you've tried to make the effort but was ignored). Just try and gain insight into where she is with you. If she really wants to remain friends she should be able to put your mind at ease

Dreamer 7

Im guilty of dong that to some of my old friends. I have two children and v little time! I get txts read them and forget to reply at all! I just get caught up with other stuff thats all. And it can be hard for my child free friends to understand. Giving her another chance makes it sound like she is actually doing something wrong on you, which i dont think she is. She may be just busy or scatty. Id wait for her i the future to make contact, its not as if ur fighting, and as with some of my old firmds you say you can just pick up from where you left off when she does call

She can be a part time friend

BoozyBabe

Too busy for practically over 2 years????

Really, are you that bad?

I mean, I can understand a few months going by, & then she thinks of me & texts, but she doesn't.

The 2 hr phone conversation we had was because something BIG had happened in my life, since then I go a 1 liner text msg saying happy birthday.

I honestly think that if it wasn't for birthdays once a year, I wouldn't hear from her at all.

If I'd had posted this here a few years ago after the behaviour had only been getting to me a few months, I'd have said yea, she's just busy, give her a bit of time.

But I can't see this changing, & it's not a frienship to me (not like this). Every ignored text is just another insult, that's really how it is now.

I'd have no problem with her being a part time friend, I mean, that's what she's been for the last so many years anyway, but I'm getting absolutely NOTHING from her. All we have is a very small bit of one way conversation, that can't even be considered a part time friendship

LegacyUser

I am in a similar situation with a friend of mine who has 2 kids. She even went as far to tell me on the phone one time when i half jokingly said she never calls me, that she doesnt have time to call me but that if i call her she is happy to chat.

I mean WTF! I am just as busy in my life as she is in hers. Just because I am busy doing different things (working, meeting people, going out, going on holidays) doesnt mean that the responsibility of keeping in touch should fall soely to me. Why does her busy life take priority over my busy life?

I think your girlfriend is seriously dissing you, she only make time for you when it suits her and that isnt really friendship. She isnt interested in your life and isnt making the effort to keep in touch. She has 1 child - she cant pick up the phone and have a chat?? What is she doing all day - i bet she has a group of friends she does socialise with and it doesnt include you.

Sorry to say bozybabe, bring it up with her as a last ditch effort if you feel the friendship is worth it otherwise let it go. Surely yoru friendship is worth more than that.

Calina

It took me a long time to get my head around it, but sometimes, friendships just die...and the stressful bit is letting them die.

Often people who are supposed to be your friend may turn out just to drift off. Sometimes, instead of stressing about it, it's easier-and wiser to let it happen and move on with your own life. I know it's tough...but a while afterwards you see the benefits.

smilydude

Calina wrote:

It took me a long time to get my head around it, but sometimes, friendships just die...and the stressful bit is letting them die.

Often people who are supposed to be your friend may turn out just to drift off. Sometimes, instead of stressing about it, it's easier-and wiser to let it happen and move on with your own life. I know it's tough...but a while afterwards you see the benefits.

That's kind of depressing but its a fact of life. I used to think I was great friends with certain people, would send them messages etc and never get a reply back. Its extremely frustrating so I can see where you are coming from. I tried my best to stay in contact with these so called friends but if they can't be bothered with me then why should I be bothered with them??

And the annoying thing is that if I am out, a certain friend (who never texts back and who I haven't seen in years) comes up to me and starts talking as though we only spoke yesterday?? I personally don't bother with people like that, they aren't worth the effort.

You tried, if you think she is worthwhile persisting with then stick with her. If not, move on with your life, you don't deserve to be hurt like that.

ST*

BoozyBabe wrote:

I don't think she has a job, so she should have plenty of time, but that doesn't matter.

Are you sure she even has the money to get out? Since I've had my two kids my social life is extremely unpredictable, money and lack of babysitters is usually the cause. Before I had the kids my mobile was always close to hand. I couldn't even tell you where it is right now, and even if I got someone to ring it, it is probably on silent in case one of the kids are asleep!

It is a little easier for me to go out locally for so many reasons - no taxi fare, cheaper drinks than town, if there is a problem with any of the kids I'm close enough to them etc.

Most of the time I'm caught up in a whirlwind of chores. If your friends child is about 5 now, chances are he /she will be going to school in September. This might free up some time for her. Mine are 2 & 4, and half of the time I seriously lack the energy required to be able to hold me up on a bar stool all night

I think for now you are either going to have to accept this level of contact with your friend for now, or let contact fade.

LegacyUser

I'd take the view that you should continue sending her good wishes twice a year on her birthday and perhaps at christmas, and leave it up to her if she wants to make the effort to meet up again.

You can only try so hard without it being reciprocated, and from what you've said you've tried enough.

Ickle Magoo

Friendship takes effort on both sides....

We were the first of our friends to get married and I think it took a few more of them to make the move towards marriage & kids to understand properly just how completely your life & priorities change....

Saying that...I have two kids and while I may not go out as much as I did because I moved to Ireland & I don't call people as often as I am just too knackered, lol, I still make an effort to stay in contact....we invite friends over to stay with us, I call from time to time, E-mail regularly, etc, etc....so I don't think she really has any excuse....even if she had no money, the cost of a stamp to say hello wouldn't exactly break the bank!

I'd keep in contact by sending cards on special occassions and leave her to meet you halfway with regards to contact....:)

Doomspell

Ickle Magoo wrote:

Friendship takes effort on both sides....

We were the first of our friends to get married and I think it took a few more of them to make the move towards marriage & kids to understand properly just how completely your life & priorities change....

Saying that...I have two kids and while I may not go out as much as I did because I moved to Ireland & I don't call people as often as I am just too knackered, lol, I still make an effort to stay in contact....we invite friends over to stay with us, I call from time to time, E-mail regularly, etc, etc....so I don't think she really has any excuse....even if she had no money, the cost of a stamp to say hello wouldn't exactly break the bank!

I'd keep in contact by sending cards on special occassions and leave her to meet you halfway with regards to contact....:)

I was going to say that!! Or something along those lines:D

fatboypee

To me, OP, friendship is about wanting to spend some time with someone and share a relationship at a certain level.

As ppl said earlier, alot of us have 'friends' like that, heck, I even have a brother who used to be like that (we agreed to go for a beer on the eve of him going abroad for 3 years. I arrive at his house and wait, and wait, and wait, he arrives in, having already been in the pub all day, utterly wasted)...

I suppose my small point on this is I decided I have 3 choices when it comes to friends like these:

1. Demonstrate my anger & frustration and try and work things thru with them

2. Remove them from my phone list and simply ignore any attempt to contact me.

3. Treat them in the same manner they treat me, as in let them do the chasing and only agree to meet on my own terms, i.e. "Hi Fatboyfriend, good to hear from you, yes, love to meet up, can you make it out to my place ???" if the answer's no then say "Ah well, maybe another time then.."

It's tough, it hurts, but from bitter experience I've realised that I can't change some people into making more of a friendship than I make of it myself and life's too short to keep bl00dy trying...

Fatboy.

Black Swan

Sad, but it appears you two are drifting apart.

Kermitt

OP - Don't waste any more time on this person

My girlfriend and I had a mutual friend, i say had because we have disassociated ourselves from her. Same story as you. My GF would text her to say hi, always drive up to see her (30 miles), make the effort etc. Not once did the 'friend' text unless she wanted something or to complain about her BF, never just to say hi. Not once did she come down to see my GF even though she has a car - she claimed she wouldn't be able to drive that far - (I mean COME ON!!!!). And it has been the same with me. This even got worse since me and GF started going out. She even started saying nasty personal stuff about us - betraying trust as we had told her things in confidence before.
Basically told her we didn't want to know her anymore and that she's not welcome in our places if she ever did get off her ass. Trouble is I still have to see her from time to time as she's going out with a good friend of mine.

Sorry for long post - my point is that you have more to do in your life than waste your time on somebody who is only your friend when it's convenient for them - You'll get nothing out of it and they'll never be there if you need them.

WhiteWashMan

BoozyBabe wrote:

Ok, I'll try to keep this brief......

Been friends with a girl since 97, where we met each other at college & lived together.
We've kept in touch ever since, well sort of:- this is my problem, & it's been ongoing for more than 2 years now

She has a child, so she's more responsibilities than before (would be 5 now)

We'd chat on the phone (we don't live that near each other anymore), she'd tell me the father had the child this weekend, would I come up, she'd love to see me.

I would drive all the way to see her.

A few weeks later:- the same thing, & again & again & again.

Now, I loved spending time with her, but every now & again I'd suggest going out in my town instead, even suggested that I'd go collect her & bring her down, suddenly she couldn't make it (this happenend every time)

In all the years we've been friends, she's never been in my home town.

anyway, due to this, these meetings sort of dwindled a bit.

We continued to talk every so often, but eventually they dried up a bit too.

I'd text her every few weeks to say hi, I'd get no reply (this was also the case all through our friendship)

Not wanting to lose our friendship, I'd ignore lack of response & text her again in a few weeks, asking how she was doing, etc... No reply.

Now, you could say she's ignoring you, leave her alone, but then I tell you, she could text me maybe once a year, or phone & say, where have you been etc & almost blame me for lack of contact, when I've been trying my best.

Also, when I text her, I suggest I come up to see her (again, me make the effort), in case she's down, just to catch up in each others lives etc, but no response)

I mean I even text her at Christmas to wish her a happy one, I get nothing.

Yet, we talked for nearly 2 hrs on the phone last October, as if nothing had changed between us. I've had 1 text since then.

She's a really nice person, & I do like her company (though I can barely remember it), but I'm really fed up of being ignored.

At this stage, would you give up on her, or what would you do?

(I did comment a few years ago on never getting replies from her, in a joking way. She just said, oh yea, I'm crap at that) which is completely fair enough, but still, a week, even a month later, even the worst texter would say, "god, I got a text from Mary the other week & never got back to her, I must send her a text", wouldn't you think???)

to be honest, she is probably busy with her life,and sometimes people drift.
i often dont talk to people for years and then if i see then or get in contact its like we've never been apart. but thats me.

but if you feel that youre not getting the responses that you want, then just leave it. theres not more you can do except turn up on her doorstep and demand she spend some time with you

BoozyBabe

Thanks everyone for your replies.

The responses I've been getting towards the end of this thread have been the thoughts going though my head anyway.

When we were close friends, we were great friends, & I enjoyed being her friend, & would have missed her friendship.
TBH, I don't think I'll miss her friendship now anyway, its been so long since I really had it.
It is a little sad to decide to come to an end of a friendship / acquaintance, or whatever it is you'd actually call this!!

I guess I posted this thread to make sure that I had done enough, that I had give her enough chances, that it could never be said that I didn't try hard enough, but you've confirmed what I thought.

It's a pity, there's so much I'd love to share with her, & with being a single mum, I'm sure she'd love the escape or her routine life once in a while, but if she's not interested in my life, then there's no point me trying to force info on her. (She's one of these mad for the gossip type people)

So yea, it's time to let this one go.
I think the 2ce yearly Christmas/birthday text will continue, & if she gets back in contact with me, we'll take it from there.

Thanks all.