Lover

LegacyUser

Here’s the story, what to do with this? I know this woman has no morals, but here’s what’s happening.

I have been going out with this woman for 9 months, everything splendid until she decided to break off with me a month ago, great times, great sex and everything.

After a month of no contact she calls me and asks if I want to see her and I agree. Previously she was with a married man for 2 years which I knew about, and the relationship ended before I met her.

Anyway she has now restarted the relationship with this guy and now she calls me and says to me that I can come back to her, but only as her lover, she wants to continue the relationship with this guy and he is prepared according to her to leave his wife and 2 children for her.

I really like this woman and I am considering her proposition she makes. Of course, as a lover (opposite to being a mistress) I am at her command it’s a entirely a strange situation for me. She also says to me that she does not mind if I have a girlfriend of my own, in fact she thinks that this would be good.

So what should I do, this woman is great for sex, the best ever, I’m single I know I like her a lot, but she says she loves the married guy ( that makes me ask questions) and he would kill her if he found out that I was her lover. I did ask her about a future relationship with her and me and she says maybe its possible later. I would really like a normal a relationship with her but given her attitude now I could become the victim just like the married guy.

Makes for interesting times ahead, don’t you think?

Heyes

Get out before you get hurt.

Ruu_Old

Unfortunately OP, it seems like you are going to get hurt in this and probably wont have any future relationship with her. I dont think she wants to settle down with one man.

Hugh Hefner

People complicate their lives with crap such as this woman. You know it's a bad situation to be in and that there's a high chance of you getting burned. Just leave her be and don't look back. You'll find other women who are good at sex.

0utshined

366 Guest wrote:

Anyway she has now restarted the relationship with this guy and now she calls me and says to me that I can come back to her, but only as her lover, she wants to continue the relationship with this guy and he is prepared according to her to leave his wife and 2 children for her.

Sure he is love. So why hasn't he left them then?

Why put up with this shít? Do not get into this situation.

Bard

Honestly? It's not worth it. You'll find sex that good again.

Walk away.

spurious

I know this woman has no morals

Interesting point of view.

You're on a no-winner with this woman, but if you want her that much, even without her 'morals', you're a big boy, go ahead.
You WILL be the one to get hurt though.

Huggles

Messy messy messy, walk away leave it alone.

LegacyUser

I`m in very deep already, walking is not easy.

up for anything

Sounds a bit like this thread.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2054936202


You may find some relevant advice in it.

Black Swan

Sounds French (more typical in that culture?)

signostic

Thanks for the link, I going to meet her today and talk with her. Its a big decision and i have a lot of questions to ask her.

Hagar

366 Guest wrote:

he would kill her if he found out that I was her lover.

What do you think he would do to you?
A bad situation, leave now before it get's worse. Nobody needs their life to be this complicated.

LegacyUser

probaly kill me and her too, i feel sorry for him

jcoote

yeah nothin can come of it really the sex might be good but with someone u know is sleeping around it'd be hard to enjoy it like before...also the other guys involved could be loopers...i'd leg it in this situation

elvis2002

366 Guest wrote:

I would really like a normal a relationship with her but given her attitude now I could become the victim just like the married guy.

hmmm, interesting you see him as the victim. I see his wife as that.

Civilian_Target

That's nice. You remain single yet you have a source of good nookie at regualar intervals.

Consider yourself lucky, keep your eye out for a woman of your own and ditch your mistress when you find one

LegacyUser

she seems to be interested in having something to run to if it doesnt (and wont) work out with the married man. she just wants an insurance policy. why lower yourself to be with a woman like this? i bet she left you for this guy too.

Heyes

Civilian_Target wrote:

That's nice. You remain single yet you have a source of good nookie at regualar intervals.

Consider yourself lucky, keep your eye out for a woman of your own and ditch your mistress when you find one

He s less likely to look if he s emotionally attached to her.... vicious circle really.

I strongely advice you to get out of it, or make it clear to her that its you or him, but she shouldnt have both of you, its hardly fair.

garthv

Ride it like you Stole it.

MonkeyBox

Keep well away from her as she sounds like the sort of gal who'll eventually give you a dose of cock rot with the way she carries on.

jellie

366 Guest wrote:

I really like this woman and I am considering her proposition she makes. ...

So what should I do, this woman is great for sex, the best ever, I’m single I know I like her a lot, but she says she loves the married guy ...

I did ask her about a future relationship with her and me and she says maybe its possible later. I would really like a normal a relationship with her ..

Seems you do really like this woman & are hoping that by doing it her way for a bit it'll turn into a relationship?

But it sounds like she just wants you for the sex, & is just agreeing that it could have relationship potential to get what she wants.

You're clearly emotionally involved, so i would say get out while you can & before you get hurt.

Aard

So what happens when the married guy finds out about you?

Not with a 10 ft pole tbhwtfbbq.

michelle_ie

id meet her and punch her in the face... how dare she try to ruin your life as well as this other mans family..
dont go near her, its gonna end in tears and quiet frankly she deserves noone!

fuzzywiggle

Ok so the sex is good, but there are other women that will be just as good if not better. What else has she got to offer you? Except for extra baggage you do not need

mrwyoming

I'm the guy from the other thread - just left the 20 year old girl who went back to the 38 year old one, married with 2 kids.

My situation sounds almost identical. Sex was good, conversation was not (or ok'ish, etc); and even though she'd gone back to him she was still seeing me every other day. Skip a couple of weeks later and this is just banging my head against the wall; she'd have days where the guilt hit her and insisted we had to end it... then on tuesday she'd flip and the office door would close with the lights out. There's an extended etc here.

In her head she somehow had the perfect relationship with this other guy... "we're so happy together." I never quite worked out how the cheating thing fell into the equation; but the longer i let things play out the less I liked her... so one day breaking up became easy. I guess you just lose respect for someone like that after a while.

MonkeyBox

mrwyoming wrote:

I guess you just lose respect for someone like that after a while.

...or, as is the case of most people, almost immediately.

LegacyUser

as I said before sex with this woman is great and so are our conversations, we tend to get on very well together. I asked her was it just for the sex and says no, that she needs to talk to someone else sometimes.
I dread to think what would happen if the other guy finds out but her attitude is that she will protect her lover(me) at all costs. Its the other side of the coin of being a mistress.

Nevyn

michelle_ie banned from the PI forum for a month for advocating the use of voilence against a person.

End of the day it is up to you what you want and what you are willing to but up with.
At least you are being given the facts of the situation and know where you will stand if you take the offer up;
but becareful for you may want more of a relationship then she is prepared to offer.
Still living your own life is a good idea and while it maybe that you can meet only when she is free you should not
consider yourslef to be at her command or let her think that she is in control of the situation.

Remember to practice safe sex esp if you are sharing a partner with someone else.

Santa Claus

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, besotted with this girl who was a friend originally and then it developed into a kind of relationship.
She was having 2 seperate affairs with people she worked with but liked having me around to assure her that she wasn't a home wrecker etc (which like a mug i did thinking that I could change her and she'd develop the same feelings for me as I had for her).

She used me until one of the guys she was having an affair with left his wife then she dropped me like a hot snot. Of course he went back to his wife about a month later and she came back to me but thankfully at that stage I have learned that no good would ever come of it.

There are a lot of women out there who are very accomplished in the bedroom department...I suggest you start looking !!!

tj-music.com

Heyes wrote:

Get out before you get hurt.

well said. Not worth sticking around.

Marksie

People in multiple relationships can work, its known as polyamoury. But it relies on everyone being honest with each other and can be a very tricky situation to deal with.
Fundamentally this is a dishonest relationship situation in that her married lover does not know about you. Further as one posted said, the lover is married with wife and kids, a further dishonest factor.
She has, apparently, told you everything. It seems that one person will not be sufficent to be her confidant, lover etc.

The question is, if she does drop the married lover for you would you actually trust her in the future, or will there always be a nagging doubt?.

If you are happy with multiple partners in a relationship then continue seeing her. But if she urges you to take another girlfriend, then that includes another dishonest factor unless you are going to tell this girlfriend all about the situation.

Obviously, it can get VERY messy from here on in.

One suspects however that you may be a psychological prop rather than the third partner in a polyamoury relationship.

Does it bother you that she is seeing somene else when she is not with you?
Does the fact that the role reversal and that you are now effectively the "mistress" in the relationship bother you?
The fact that her married guy doesnt know and is likely to react violently (despite the fact that he is quite prepared to do the dirt on his wife and kids!) does that concern you?

If the answers to any of the above is yes ... then end it.

Human interrelationshps are complex at the best of times and answers aren't simple.
The best "advice" i can give is read these and go with the one that feels right for you and in particular what your "gut" is saying. (With the exception of punching anyone...that never solved anything)

super_furry

Seems to me that she has no control in the relationship she has with the married guy, and she's trying to exert some by putting someone else in the same situation that she's already in.

dudara

I have no time for anyone who has an affair with a married person. It's very low behaviour, and as someone else has already pointed out, you might want to get screened for STIs. You don't know what she's carrying.

LegacyUser

My previous post got messed up.

marksuttonie wrote:

marksuttonie wrote:

The question is, if she does drop the married lover for you would you actually trust her in the future, or will there always be a nagging doubt?.

At this point, I`m not sure, test of time i suppose

marksuttonie wrote:

If you are happy with multiple partners in a relationship then continue seeing her. But if she urges you to take another girlfriend, then that includes another dishonest factor unless you are going to tell this girlfriend all about the situation.

I would not want a girlfriend while in this situation

marksuttonie wrote:

Does it bother you that she is seeing somene else when she is not with you?

No

marksuttonie wrote:

Does the fact that the role reversal and that you are now effectively the "mistress" in the relationship bother you?

No

marksuttonie wrote:

The fact that her married guy doesnt know and is likely to react violently (despite the fact that he is quite prepared to do the dirt on his wife and kids!) does that concern you?

According to her, his marraige has been dead for the last 2 years. They stay together(like alot of Irish marriages i think) for the sake of the kids)

dudara wrote:

you might want to get screened for STI

At the end of any relationship its avisable to get tested, so I did and all clear. Its just acting responsibly

dudara

366 Guest wrote:

At the end of any relationship its avisable to get tested, so I did and all clear. Its just acting responsibly

My opinion is that if she's sleeping with you and this other man, then she coud also have no quibbles about sleeping with other people too. Be careful.

This one will end in tears.

ST*

366 Guest wrote:

I have been going out with this woman for 9 months, everything splendid until she decided to break off with me a month ago.

Busy with married guy.

366 Guest wrote:

After a month of no contact she calls me and asks if I want to see her and I agree. .

He grew a conscience for a month and gave her gate. She got 'lonely' in between.

366 Guest wrote:

Previously she was with a married man for 2 years which I knew about, and the relationship ended before I met her..

You met in between yet another one of their breaks.

366 Guest wrote:

Anyway she has now restarted the relationship with this guy and now she calls me and says to me that I can come back to her, but only as her lover.

She needs you on call, you know - just in case married guy tells her do feck off again.

366 Guest wrote:

she wants to continue the relationship with this guy and he is prepared according to her to leave his wife and 2 children for her..

Shes happy enough to do that?

366 Guest wrote:

I really like this woman and I am considering her proposition she makes. .

As you said in one of your other posts, you are in deep now. I suggest while you are having doubts about this set up, take the advice people are giving you. They are giving you the answers you have been suspecting all along.

366 Guest wrote:

She also says to me that she does not mind if I have a girlfriend of my own, in fact she thinks that this would be good..

I'll bet she does.

366 Guest wrote:

I like her a lot, but she says she loves the married guy ( that makes me ask questions) .

I'm going to be brutal here, you are her fall-back guy. Has she ever told you that she loves you? I'm not so sure I'd believe her anyway.

366 Guest wrote:

and he would kill her if he found out that I was her lover..

They are as bad as each other tbh.

366 Guest wrote:

I did ask her about a future relationship with her and me and she says maybe its possible later. .

Are you happy enough to keep your life on hold while she plays eeney-meeny-miny-mo?

366 Guest wrote:

I would really like a normal a relationship with her but given her attitude now I could become the victim just like the married guy.

That is the most sense you've spoken yet. Get out, and fast. Heres the cliche although true - you deserve better than this woman.

LegacyUser

I think she has been honest with me, all that she says checks out to the best of my knowledge, its the other guy who she is being dishonest with.
As being a lover to her, she has told me what my role would be, meet 2/3 times a week, perhaps go somewhere e.g a day out and have sex. I would not have any other commitments to her.

dudara

366 Guest wrote:

I think she has been honest with me, all that she says checks out to the best of my knowledge, its the other guy who she is being dishonest with.

It's never your side of the relationship that's wrong is it? She lies to the other guy, but of course, she is honest with you. She's used to spinning stories. I have no problems with you being in this relationship, but be aware of the situation.

LegacyUser

dudara wrote:

It's never your side of the relationship that's wrong is it? She lies to the other guy, but of course, she is honest with you. She's used to spinning stories. I have no problems with you being in this relationship, but be aware of the situation.

I know what your saying but this time i believe her. I know I have to very aware of whats happening here. I missed her alot when we broke up. I have to think that now I can have best of both worlds being single and no committments. It s a challenge/opportunity/mistake (whichever) way you look at it.

Nevyn

Well it will be a life experience and you are bound to learn a lot and a lot about yourself and what you want and need in a relationship of what ever type.

Marksie

I think you have answered your own query.
Life is about experiences. Good and bad.
Whichever this turns out to be time will tell.

Thaedydal is absolutely right. It will give you experience of this type of relationship.

You seem determined to embark on it, so perhaps the best advice now is to forget the worries, live in the now and see where it leads

LegacyUser

marksuttonie wrote:

I think you have answered your own query.
Life is about experiences.
You seem determined to embark on it, so perhaps the best advice now is to forget the worries, live in the now and see where it leads

I refer back now and then to the post by MRWYOMING, the only poster who has had the experience of thiis, in his case it didnt work out and saying goodbye was easy, Perhaps in my case as well, saying goodbye at this time for me is difficult

mrwyoming wrote:

In her head she somehow had the perfect relationship with this other guy... "we're so happy together." I never quite worked out how the cheating thing fell into the equation; but the longer i let things play out the less I liked her... so one day breaking up became easy.

dudara

365 Guest wrote:

I refer back now and then to the post by MRWYOMING, the only poster who has had the experience of thiis

Not so true, some of us had have more experience of this kind of situation that we would care for.

Nevyn

You would be wrong to assume that but you took the care to be unreggistered when disscusing this issue, maybe others simply don't want to get into the interpersonal nitty gritty of thier own experiences.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote:

You would be wrong to assume that but you took the care to be unreggistered when disscusing this issue, maybe others simply don't want to get into the interpersonal nitty gritty of thier own experiences.

Point taken

chazzy06

i wud get out of this situation before you get to attached to this woman and thats when the s*** hits the fan..

im sure you can do a lot better than this woman..

it will just take you a bit of time to find someone who truly loves you..

LegacyUser

chazzy06 wrote:

i wud get out of this situation before you get to attached to this woman

Too late my friend, smitten already

ST*

366 Guest wrote:

Too late my friend, smitten already

With that in mind, you are happy enough to only have her as yours a couple of times a week? I don't mean to be argumentative here, but why did you ask for advice? You know this woman has the morals of Cruella De Ville, but you won't let her go either - knowing full well that she is using you, and has confessed she loves someone else?

You are only considering this arrangement because it is all you have of her, that is not good. You said it yourself that you would rather a 'normal' relationship with her. That option is not on the cards, this can only get more and more difficult for you. And the longer you leave it, the more painful the break-up.

You don't want to accept the 'leave her now' replies, but nobody here can make her dump him and take you up full time.

All that said, I'm sorry to hear things have been this shitty for you - but do be realistic 366, you are only fooling yourself.

LegacyUser

Hmm.. man this sounds complicated.

Its sounds to me like a lot of people being used here..

The married guy probably is using her and she in turn is using you.. and god know how many others. She wants her cake and to eat it too. I think if this guy wasnt married she wouldnt be in the slightest bit interested, loves the chase and knows that this married guy is exactly that, a good chase.

I knew a girl like this before, very good looking, great in bed apparently and more than willing to go after as many guys as she liked but kept the poor fool of a boyfriend she was seeing for years tagging along.

She worked and lived about 40 miles from her home town where her bf lived and when away, boy did she play. In fact at one stage she was "seeing" 3 guys at once and meeting a few others for sex. Neither knew about the others and she loved the attention, the money being spent on her and all of that but deep down she honestly believed she was doing no wrong.

It sounds to me like this girl not only has serious issues, she sees no wrong in what she is doing, is using you as a safety cushion if and when it fails with the married guy, she has you, then after a while will hook up with someone else and leave you standing there, an emotional wreck and still completely besotted with her, knowing that all she has to do is click her fingers and you'll come running again.

Walk away man, if for no other reason than your sanity.

secret_squirrel

On the one hand you say you would enjoy a no strings relationship, on the other hand you say you are 'smitten'

Am I the only one who sees a contradiction here?

If you had nothing to lose I would say go for it. By your own admission, you have major feelings invested in this woman - who if you are honest doesnt return them.

As it is it seems like you dont have enough self respect to tell her to go to hell.

You need to think long and hard if you are secret wishing that she will magically turn around one day and say she loves you. I dont reckon that will ever happen.

You're falling/fallen for her. To her you're a good chat and a good shag.

How do you expect such an unbalanced relationship to work?

Ffs move on, it would be far more rewarding to have great conversation, great sex, and great commitment from a girlfriend who loves you as much as you love her.

Hell thousands of people manage to have that relationship every day. But you wont find it unless you look for it....

This woman seems like an emotional parasite to me...