bad situation

chazzy06

hi ya all,

i have this situation were one of my best friends has just told me the biggest secret of her life..

my friend and i are girls in our late 30's and have been best friends for nearly 20 years..

recently i have noticed that my friend was acting strange and was very down in herslef..

i asked her to tell me wat was wrong with her and surprisling she told me.

she recently has fallen in love with another friend of ours(girl also) who is married and has 3 children i will call her the wife to stop confusion

the wife is also in love with my friend and is now thinking of leaving her husband for my best friend.

my friend wants advice from me and said that she will kill herslef if anyone was to find out..

i am so afraid to give her advice incase i gave her the wrong one..

she told me that she is very in love with the wife and that the wife feels the same way..

can anyone help me and give me advice?

worried friend

MonkeyBox

Well for a start, a woman in her late 30's threatening suicide if anyone finds out she's a lesbian/is cheating with a married woman is very immature and/or demonstrates severe mental illness. Anyway, I'll assume that what she meant was 'Oh, I'd just die if anyone found out' type of thing.

Regarding the two women being in love... well what's the story with the wife? Is she bisexual? A lesbian who happens to be married with 3 kids? It's hard to know what advice to give but I'll always be of the opinion that anyone who marries somebody, has children with them and falls in love with someone else (of either sex) was never really in love with their spouse in the first place. I'd be inclined to find out what the wife really wants. Unfortunately your friends needs don't really come into it as she's about to destroy at least 4 other lives - 3 of those kids.

spurious

Women (with and without children) leave their husbands for other women all the time. Some work out, some don't.

Your friend's problem is not the relationship she is in, but her threat to kill herself. Could you get her to ring Lesbian line ? They would be used to this situation - it's not unusual (01-872 9911 7-9pm Thursdays).

SapphicIreland.com have a closed forum for this sort of discussion - perhaps if she is online she could join there and discuss it with others who have been in the same situation.

Caryatnid

spurious wrote:

Women (with and without children) leave their husbands for other women all the time.

Um, not all the time.
My mother, for example, has not yet left my father for another woman. Come to think of it, I don't know anyone who has done this.

This is definitely an unusual situation. The OP is right to be cautious about giving advice. I agree that Lesbian Line and SapphicIreland would be good places to steer your friend.

But Chazzy, I don't think the 'lesbian issue' should cloud the real issue here. Here we have two consenting adults, one of whom is married, and with children. The other has seen a lot of life, she is in her late thirties. This is not a teenage phase - but could be a midlife crisis? (just a thought). Has your friend been single for a long time - has she been very lonely lately?
At the end of the day, this is a married woman having an affair. Affairs always bring confusion and stress and pain, no matter what sexes are involved, and even if the affair-relationship works out - it is still tough.

Huggles

spurious wrote:

Women (with and without children) leave their husbands for other women all the time. Some work out, some don't.

Your friend's problem is not the relationship she is in, but her threat to kill herself. Could you get her to ring Lesbian line ? They would be used to this situation - it's not unusual (01-872 9911 7-9pm Thursdays).

SapphicIreland.com have a closed forum for this sort of discussion - perhaps if she is online she could join there and discuss it with others who have been in the same situation.

There is some truth in this, it is quite a common thing. I wouldn't say it has happens all the time but its not uncommon to hear about close female friends falling for each other.

I think the tragedy here is that there is a husband and children involved.

I think the husband and wife need to sit down and talk about this on their own.

The other woman needs to get some help re: feeling suicidal.

I really hope everything can be sorted out.

Caryatnid

TheGooner wrote:

I think the husband and wife need to sit down and talk about this on their own.

Agreed. The husband and wife relationship here has to take priority. If your friend wants to be with the wife (or not), she needs to back off, and let the wife sort out her own things first. It would take a while, I'd imagine, to sort everything out, break it to her family, talk it out with her family, figure out everything.

Was your friend a lesbian before? Do you think she's feeling like this because she's really low and suicidal and then perhaps she has 'fallen in love' with someone close to her who has shown her affection. Do you think that is possible?

I hope it works out ok.

spurious

Caryatnid wrote:

Um, not all the time.
My mother, for example, has not yet left my father for another woman. Come to think of it, I don't know anyone who has done this.

That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I know many people who have done just that. I guess it depends what circles you move in. Thanks to the lovely attitude many people still exhibit in Ireland to homosexual people there are many people, male and female, who married young and find themselves in relationships they can't get out of - especially once children arrive. It's easier get out if you're just on your own.

"Women leave their husbands for other women all the time" does not mean the same as "all women leave their husbands for women".

Either way, people are going to get hurt, even if no-one leaves anyone. It's the tragedy of human relationships. The 'wife''s first priority must be to the person she gave a commitment. He deserves to know what is going on, though I'd imagine he probably has an idea all is not well.

Caryatnid

spurious wrote:

"Women leave their husbands for other women all the time" does not mean the same as "all women leave their husbands for women".

Point taken. I was just being smart.

As for people getting married when they know they are homosexual - it's not ok to blame this on society. Maybe years ago, when Ireland was more Catholic, but not now. I understand it can be hard to be gay if you have family/friends who have 'traditional values' - but it's not ok to ruin someone's life just so you fit in. It's not fair to get married to anybody without really meaning it. (To me, marriage is a promise you'll stay with that person forever).

However perhaps the wife in this situation didn't know she was gay/is bisexual/or is having a tough time in her marriage and has grown to depend on her friend for emotional support.

spurious wrote:

Either way, people are going to get hurt, even if no-one leaves anyone.

That's a good point. I think that's an important thing the OP should say that to her friend.

takola

It's fine for them both to be saying they love each other, but your friend is saying she'd kill herself if anyone found out. That to me is not love!

First off, The Wife is thinking of breaking up her family for this woman. And in the process hurting her children badly (These things take their toll!) and leaving them very confused. And doing this for a woman who wouldn't want anyone to know? Surely i'm not the only one who can see the problem with that?

Your friend really needs to think about what she really wants. If she's in love with The Wife then she needs to be ok with letting people know that they're in a relationship and be ready for some raised eyebrows and possibly some badmouthing! (Anyone who forms a relationship with someone who is married gets this so it wouldn't even be about them being female!)
And then there's the husbands reaction. He may decide he doesn't want the children around her! It would be a very rocky road, and i think you need to try to get some of this across to her! She needs to be sure that its worth it and that her love for The Wife is real. This isn't just the both of their lives they're thinking of changing!

It's such a huge thing, and I think that if she's already depressed this really is not going to help. Sometimes the price you pay for being with someone is not worth it in the end.

I really hope everything works out!

MojoMaker

takola wrote:

It's fine for them both to be saying they love each other, but your friend is saying she'd kill herself if anyone found out.

It's a figure of speech, similar to "I'd just die if anyone found out". Relax peeps..:rolleyes:

Huggles

MojoMaker wrote:

It's a figure of speech, similar to "I'd just die if anyone found out". Relax peeps..:rolleyes:

No a figure of speech is '...I'd die if anyone found out....' threatening to kill yourself is 'I'm going to kill myself....'

There is a difference.

takola

MojoMaker wrote:

It's a figure of speech, similar to "I'd just die if anyone found out". Relax peeps..:rolleyes:

The OP clearly stated in her post that her friend was very down in herself and had threatened to kill herself if anyone found out! That is not a figure of speech.

Marksie

The fact that a woman is planing to leave her family for another woman is not uncommon. I know of at least three who have done so.

Despite assertations to the contrary, there is still reticence and pressure over same sex relationships.

However, the sexuality is not the issue here. This is exactly the same as if it was a more conventional affair. Although the "kill herself" comment is a little disturbing.

There are four basic choices:

1 Leave the marriage and kids
2 Continue as they are
3 Come clean and tell the husband, and lead seperate lives staying together for the kids
4 End it

The difficulty here is that no matter what happens, there will be pain involved.
Pain at a personal level for the Original Poster and her lover.

Pain for the family and husband.

One the one hand the family unit is going to be sacrificed (how old are the kids by the way?.. It could be that the kids are old enough to understand)
On the other, personal happiness and growth will be damaged.

If you look at the threads dealing with affairs, then the same advice in those applies.

tonyinuae

I would say that leaving the children, unless they're in their late teens at least, is surely not an option for the wife. She could decide to hang on for a time until they reach the age where she feels she could think of leaving. In this case, it would mean either continuing with the affair in secret, remember she's already doing this - this way hopefully no-one in the family gets hurt, yet anyway - or coming clean to the husband and suspending the affair, or continuing it with his consent.

There's no one answer to this. People, and their relationships, change over time, and there's no guarantee that the wife's feelings might not eventually change regarding her lover. She might continue the affair only to realise later that she really prefers to be at home with her husband and family, for example. No-one can read the future.

There is the school of thought that honesty is always the best policy and you should just face the music and take it from there. Surprisingly maybe, this is often the best option in the long run. At least no-one is being lied to, **** happens, after all. With good will on the part of all concerned, a solution of some sort could be found that is least distressing to everyone.

LegacyUser

I am in the same situation, married with kids but a lesbian with a lover. It is very hard but it can work. My H knows about me and excepts it and excepts that once finances and children allow that I will be leaving.

Oral Slang

tonyinuae wrote:

I would say that leaving the children, unless they're in their late teens at least, is surely not an option for the wife. She could decide to hang on for a time until they reach the age where she feels she could think of leaving. In this case, it would mean either continuing with the affair in secret, remember she's already doing this - this way hopefully no-one in the family gets hurt, yet anyway - or coming clean to the husband and suspending the affair, or continuing it with his consent.

I'd have to disagree with you there. I grew up in a family where my parents were separated but living in the same house due to an affair.
I would always now suggest for a couple to split up if an affair comes into it as the atmosphere was absolutely dreadful for years (about 17 years!) They thought they were doing the best thing for us, but it was just really horrible. I know moneywise it might make sense, but if that isn't an issue, people should just make a clean break.. Less painful in the long run.

LegacyUser

And what about the hubby and the children ? How are they supposed to feel ?