Headwreck!!

Beetlebum

Hey There folks, hoping somebody can gimme some advice. My boyfriend and I broke up after four years last week. We'd been fighting non-stop for the last year about nothing. The relationship wasn't fun anymore and there was no passion left between us. We both knew things weren't right but we let it drag out for ages. We went for a pint last Friday and decided to call it a day. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I was still feeling really low all weekend. Four years is a long time to be with someone and alot happened within that time. For example, my mam died two years ago and he really helped me through that time. We lived together for two years aswell. I never cheated on him and as far as I'm aware, he never cheated on me. I'm 25 and he's 27.

Anyway, I got a call from his brother on the Sunday evening after we'd broken up saying he hadn't been home all weekend and he was worried about him. He wasn't answering his phone either. I couldn't sleep on Sunday night worrying about him and finally got through to him on Monday morning. When I asked him where he was he said he'd met a girl on Saturday and spent the weekend with her. He stayed in her apartment and they swapped numbers. My whole body was shaking, I was so shocked and upset. I've never felt hurt like that. It's like in the Simpsons when Lisa breaks Ralphs heart and you can pinpoint the moment it breaks.....

I told him I never wanted to speak to him again and threw all of his stuff away. I took two days off work and wandered around in a daze. I still feel dazed now. I went out on Thursday night and got chatting to a guy who I ended up sleeping with. I thought it might make me feel better but I wasn't even all that attracted to the guy. I went out on Friday and did the same thing. This guy was actually lovely and we swapped numbers. I'd never had a one night stand before this weekend. I wanted my ex to feel the same pain he'd made me feel so I called him last night and told him I'd slept with two guys. He called me a slut and says he wants nothing to do with me anymore. He told me never to phone him again and said that he never really loved me anyway.

I feel so empty, any words of advice on how to get through this would be much appreciated.......

spinandscribble

okay what a dick. clearly this girl meant nothing to him and yes he wanted to hurt you. its a pity you fell for it but spilled milk and all that. chances are he never met this girl and it was just a lie because he didnt want to admit he spent the entire weekend in tears. it would explain his reaction to your little adventure this week.
oh and i can relate to the moment pinpoint heart break. its happened to me 3 times. once years ago with this guy i really liked and then twice with my ex.
give this second night stand a call once you're ready. i dont think you're a slut, and im known to have very high morals. you were upset and confused and needed help. dont torture yourself about this please. write to your ex or talk to him, let him know how you felt and feel now. dont expect him to say sorry though. after all you rightfully reacted negatively when he had his slutty confession but its the pot calling the kettle black now

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, that's terrible!!

Unfortunately having sex with randomers for revenge won't make you feel any better. I can completely understand your logic behind it and why you thought it might make you feel better but tbh I'd avoid going down that road. And you're not a slut so don't believe a word from Creepy McCreep.

You've had the huge trauma of breaking up with your boyfriend which is no doubt exacerbated by the shock of your ex scoring so soon. He could have waited!!!!

All I can say is that 4 years is a long time and unfortunately there is no quick fix. Sounds like a cliche but you do need to take stock and take one day at a time and most importantly BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Good luck

Beetlebum

Thanks for your replies. I just can't understand how he was with another girl so soon. He clearly never loved me at all or fell out of love with me ages ago but didn't have the courage or decency to tell me. It's so hard to accept that he doesn't (and possibly never did) love me. I wish I didn't feel this way about him. I'm in constant pain at the moment. He's been such a prick to me that he's ruined any chance we may have even had for friendship. What I did wasn't nice either but I know in my heart that I wouldn't have kissed anybody so soon if he hadn't. I think it shows a complete lack of respect for the four years we had. How can he be so cold, I really don't know if he's even hurting at all right now.

Kiera

Of course he’s hurting and obviously did love you, otherwise he wouldn’t have gotten so mad at you. If he had no feelings for you he wouldn’t care what you did but its pretty clear that he still cares. Don’t cut yourself up so much about it, its done now and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Give it a while till things cool down and maybe have a chat about it.

chazzy06

sorry to hear about your ex..

but i wud honestly say that the whole "dissapearing act" was all a sick joke to scare you and put ur head a stray..
as far as I can see from your letter, i would say that this girl of his does not exist. otherwise why wud your boyfriend freak so much wen u said u slept with two fellas..

Men are weird and we will never understand them, it was just the mistake u made of telling him what u did..

I wud move on with my life if I were u.. relax for a while, take a break from fellas and c how u feel..


i know u will be probably tempted to ring your ex boyfriend, but u shud leave it and see if he apologies after all he is the one that freaked here and not u..

LegacyUser

Two wrongs don’t make a right ! Having one night stands with some random guys has now finally killed any chance you two had of anything, friendship included. I know it was probably done in the heat of the moment but sometimes you have to take a step back , what he told you may well have been lies to try and upset you ,unfortunately now you have both probably hurt earth other beyond repair
Sleeping with others certainly wont make you feel better only time will do that.

anyway ....

Macker

chazzy06 wrote:

sorry to hear about your ex..

but i wud honestly say that the whole "dissapearing act" was all a sick joke to scare you and put ur head a stray..
as far as I can see from your letter, i would say that this girl of his does not exist. otherwise why wud your boyfriend freak so much wen u said u slept with two fellas..

Men are weird and we will never understand them, it was just the mistake u made of telling him what u did..

I wud move on with my life if I were u.. relax for a while, take a break from fellas and c how u feel..


i know u will be probably tempted to ring your ex boyfriend, but u shud leave it and see if he apologies after all he is the one that freaked here and not u..

Oh God ,two and a half more months of this rubbish :mad:

dudara

Macker, please keep on topic.

@Chazzy: Perhaps better punctuation and grammar would help you make your point in a clearer fashion.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I'm not sure I understand....was there a particular time limit set as to when he could meet or sleep with other people? I know it must have hurt you to hear he slept with someone else but as you were no longer boyfriend & girlfriend & he was a free agent - he did nothing wrong....you say you have been fighting for a yr out of 4 - that's a quarter of your relationship! :eek:That's a long time not to be getting on...maybe it was just a relief to be with a woman he wasn't fighting with all the time? Maybe he switched his phone off & hid in bed crying? Maybe he got pi$$ed with his mates & didn't want to speak to anyone all wkend? He's a grown adult, he doesn't have to answer to anyone....and as a single man he can sleep with whomever he wants....when he wants....

You sound like you are quite bitter and not handling the break up well....did you envisage getting back together at some stage? Did he suggest the break up or did you? Did you think he was being serious? I remember breaking up with a guy after 3yrs together & I really thought suggesting breaking up would make him realise how many issues we needed to work out...it didn't...it just reminded him of how much we didn't get on & how much he fancied someone else! :rolleyes::mad:

I would suggest cutting all contact with your ex, go out with your female friends - stop having one night stands to get back at your ex because it clearly isn't working - and work towards sorting your head out & getting over him....and you will, I promise....then you will be free to meet a man who is much better suited to you....best of luck

LegacyUser

Well i have to say what ur boyfriend did was'nt cool but theres something else there if he met a girl straight away and spent the weekend with her. My view is that he may have been seeing this girl for awhile before u spilt up. I mean u said it urself that u both knew the relationship was over for awhile.

I think u should have saved face and not sleapt with either of those lads, u would have come out the better person. look at it as a new part in ur life and chill out on the one night stands for awhile at least.

Santa Claus

So he needed some space and didn't go home to his family for the weekend.
Perhaps rather than admit to you that he was moping around, feeling miserable about the break-up he told you that he met some hot chick and had a great time.

Or perhaps his mates brought him out, got his drunk and fixed him up with someone in a club.

Either way, you sleeping with 2 guys and then ringing to inform him of that doesn't put you in a very classy light. His reaction would suggest that he still has feelings for you...if he didn't love you then he wouldn't care if you were sleeping around as you're a free agent now.

humanji

I think the fact that he told you he was slept with someone is the point. Whether he did or not is not an issue (and really not for us to know). You didn't do the right thing by sleeping with those guys and telling him, but it's kind of understandable in the way you said that you wanted him to be as hurt as you were.

My advice is to forget about him and move on. It isn't going to happen anytime soon, but eventually you'll be fine.

rsta

Hey Beetlebum, I feel for you. Its awful when a longterm relationship ends. And 10 times worse when it ends after a long spate of bickering and fighting.

Its awful how people can behave after a break up, doing things or saying things just to retaliate or hurt the other person. But its only cos the person is so hurt themselves in the first place that they feel the need to behave so harshly. Your ex really was out of line, ringing you to tell you that (could be lies, but still he wanted to hurt you thats why he said it, he could have chosen not to say it). And don't worry about your reaction by going out and sleeping with two fellas, so what like. He shouldnt have called u a slut, sure he was no better himself. But that kind of behaviour and namecalling and arguing wont make the break up any easier. You will just find yourself more upset and confused.

U need to take some time out and look after yourself. Mope around for a week or two if you want. Drink lots of wine or vodka. Eat lots or eat less (when I'm heartbroken I've no appetite! but chocolate is good ) Meet up with your girlfriends/sister/mam. Maybe take a few days and go away for a little break with someone, any little break away from the way you are feeling now will do wonders for your mental state honestly. Get any of his stuff thats left and throw it out, or just put it away in a box. And delete his mobile number off your phone, this is like a little ritual cleansing! I am sure you know his number off by heart but deleting it will make you feel good.

Dont ring him for a few weeks, give yourself time to clear your mind and get your head together. I know this is a very hard time for you, I've gone through a break up myself quite recently, after we had been together a few years also, and only feeling better about it now.

Time heals, I know its an old saying and it doesn't do much good, but its true.

Take care and let us know how you keeping.

Beetlebum

Thanks again for all your replies. I know for a fact that he did meet this girl cause two of our mutal friends were out with him that night and have told me. They said he met her out in the smoking area and she was all over him. It's like a rollercoaster, one day I'm okay and the next I can barely lift my head I'm so hurt. Today I'm having a good day though. He's going to London with his band today for a week and I thought I'd be in bits thinking about girls coming up to him after the gig but I'm not, I probably will be over the weekend though goddamit!!

Zombrex

Beetlebum wrote:

I feel so empty, any words of advice on how to get through this would be much appreciated.......

Yeah, break all contact with your ex. Now, and forever.

Delete his number from your phone and have nothing to do with him. Its over, and it was only a few days before you too were going tit for tad to try and hurt the other one. This after a relationship where you fighting all the time. It seems your relationship has developed into a bitter angry one. This isn't healthy for either of you, and really all you are ever going to do to each other is upset each other. Break all contact.

Marksie

Beetlebum wrote:

I feel so empty, any words of advice on how to get through this would be much appreciated.......

First and foremost, you are not a slut.
Just very confused and somewhat angry at your ex at his having slept with someone else so soon and telling you about it.

What has happened has happened..... it is in thap past. Ask yourself why you did it, how you feel, and what you have learned.

The reasons why people do such things are not clear. It may be that the desire to feel attractive once again and to prove that a woman would still desire him played a significant part. Dont forget he had been monogamous for years and you had been arguing about it.
the motivation for telling you is more complex... to show you he was still attractive to others or to hurt you, probably both.

So you have to ask yourself what was my reasoning for having two one night stands. Certainly i think it was more than sexual pleasure, and more a tit for tat move to some extent as well as other reasons given above.

Such things can and do backfire.

How you handle it is you put it behind you. Either have no contact with your ex or let him contact you. Certainly he should apologise for the slut comment. You may want to tellhim that it was (possibly) because of his actions.

You must be terribly upset. But I certainly have been there so can put myself in your shoes and know what you are going though. Just be honest with yourself for the reasoning and then ask do i want to contact him or he to contact me.
emotions are raw at the moment so best to let it cool for a while