Throwing your own baby shower

trillianv

Yes, I am throwing this party, but it is being hosted at a friend's house and she is doing the decorating, food etc. SO in actuality I am only sending out the invites and organizing....Does this make it more ok???

TBH I really don't care about someone being offended or thinking it is "cheeky". I have my friends here and my husband's extended family and they are excited over something a bit different. I have actually had quite a bit of interest over this shower and how to throw one.

I think more of my point in the original post, which has now gotten lost, is that I was hurt that my in-laws are so blase about the whole thing when I go out of my way to do nice things for them. OK obviously I knew most people would see it as a begging for gifts or a way to make someone obliged to feel they have to get a gift, but in all honesty those people will make their excuses not to come.

In my OP I asked that despite it being not the norm, was I right in doing this, in respect of the fact that my in-laws are so completely not interested in the whole pregnancy. I am not being defensive and yes I did feel some of the responses were a bit hostile....that is my opinion just as you all have yours on what I am doing.

Blush_01

trillianv wrote:

Thanks for the replies but I am having a shower. I am American and I do not need to make excuses for my nationality nor my traditions. If someone is invited and they don't want to buy me a gift...then don't or if they think badly of me for wanting something from my own culture while I am thousands of miles from home well then I guess they are not really a friend. They won't be turned away at the door nor thought worse of....And no this shower will not be any less since my family cannot be here as I will invite my husband's family and all my Irish friends.

Is it not cheeky then to throw yourself a "house-warming party"? Because to the last 2 I went it was quite the norm to get many gifts at this party.

The person didn't throw the house warming party before they had the house, now did they? If you want to have a pre-baby day, do so, but calling it a shower will cause offence or paint you in an unnecessarily unflattering and greedy/cheeky light. You can do the exact same thing, just don't call it a shower. Shower = gifts in most people's minds. There's no point in putting the cart before the horse. Also, at the post-baby celebration (party, christening, whatever) the celebration of the new baby's arrival is about introducing it to its new community rather than gifts. You'll have plenty of willing babysitters all day, so you can chill, relax and have a few minutes in grown-up company. At any christening or baby-party I've ever been to, there have been queues of people waiting to hold the baby while the mother is supported by her circle of family and friends, congratulating both her and her partner on the baby's arrival and allowing them to have some craic with family and friends.

As has already been mentioned, your friends probably agree that it's a good idea because they know a)you're far from home, b) you're hormonal and c) they want you to be happy more than they want to upset you by disagreeing with something that's completely unheard of here but that you obviously are dead set on doing. We're not all disagreeing with you for the fun of it, especially in light of the hostility with which you've been replying. We're trying to make things easier for you because you asked for advice.

What has been proposed in holding a party without the name "baby shower" is a compromise. You disrespected our responses and deemed them anti-American when they were merely suggestions of how to bridge both cultures and make things easier for everyone without you looking like a money (or gift) grubbing hustler in the process. Patently, you are either lying to us about not wanting presents, are anti-Irish or are anti-compromise. Take your pick. The main point is, you're throwing this party yourself. If someone else was throwing you a party/shower, then it would be different. By throwing it yourself (since nobody else is) you look like you're only in it for something and when nobody else planned it for you, you wanted what you could get through it so badly that you did it yourself.

Plus, if your friend is only throwing a party for the money she'll get, then she's not someone I'd like to count within my group of friends. I would never give someone I know money as a gift, it's utterly impersonal. Even gift vouchers for the person's favourite shop show a modicum of thought, but they're as bad as cash. Ruthlessness is not something to be cherished within someone.

trillianv

Blush_01 wrote:

The person didn't throw the house warming party before they had the house, now did they? If you want to have a pre-baby day, do so, but calling it a shower will cause offence or paint you in an unnecessarily unflattering and greedy/cheeky light. You can do the exact same thing, just don't call it a shower. Shower = gifts in most people's minds. There's no point in putting the cart before the horse. Also, at the post-baby celebration (party, christening, whatever) the celebration of the new baby's arrival is about introducing it to its new community rather than gifts. You'll have plenty of willing babysitters all day, so you can chill, relax and have a few minutes in grown-up company. At any christening or baby-party I've ever been to, there have been queues of people waiting to hold the baby while the mother is supported by her circle of family and friends, congratulating both her and her partner on the baby's arrival and allowing them to have some craic with family and friends.

As previously advised, we will not be having a christening or any other post-baby celebration. TBH I can't think there are too many new parents out there that would really be up to having a party a month or so after having a child.

Blush_01 wrote:

As has already been mentioned, your friends probably agree that it's a good idea because they know a)you're far from home, b) you're hormonal and c) they want you to be happy more than they want to upset you by disagreeing with something that's completely unheard of here but that you obviously are dead set on doing. We're not all disagreeing with you for the fun of it, especially in light of the hostility with which you've been replying. We're trying to make things easier for you because you asked for advice.

Thank you for your opinion, but the friends I have are mature adults who do not patrionize me, "hormonal" or not.

Blush_01 wrote:

What has been proposed in holding a party without the name "baby shower" is a compromise. You disrespected our responses and deemed them anti-American when they were merely suggestions of how to bridge both cultures and make things easier for everyone without you looking like a money (or gift) grubbing hustler in the process. Patently, you are either lying to us about not wanting presents, are anti-Irish or are anti-compromise. Take your pick. The main point is, you're throwing this party yourself. If someone else was throwing you a party/shower, then it would be different. By throwing it yourself (since nobody else is) you look like you're only in it for something and when nobody else planned it for you, you wanted what you could get through it so badly that you did it yourself.

I am so Anti-Irish that I have married one and am having a half-Irish baby. I can see where you are coming from on that one. I also make it a habit to lie habitually. I am not actually even having a baby only just put on a little weight and needed an excuse

BTW I don't feel that my answers have been hostile. I am sorry you feel this way. I think being called an "anti-irish" lying hustler is a bit hostile so pardon me if I don't really dwell too long on your advice. Thanks though!

I would just like to end this with I am not responding any further, but I do thank you for your advice. No, you did not agree with me and that is ok as that is the brilliance of these forums. All I am saying here is that maybe sometimes it's ok to open your minds to a different tradition if you are all wanting to be a part of the "international" scene. And as previously said, this tradition is not just American but done in many countries.

Sangre

This thread has actually made me laugh. Every single reply was articulate and well thought out, suggesting a compromise to leave everyone happy by incorporating aspects from both cultures.

Then the OP brands them anti-american and hostile. Not to mention being down right condescending in her last reply.

Rofl!

Chinafoot

trillianv wrote:

As previously advised, we will not be having a christening or any other post-baby celebration. TBH I can't think there are too many new parents out there that would really be up to having a party a month or so after having a child.

Which is why christenings/parties are normally held 3 months+ after the birth.

trillianv wrote:

All I am saying here is that maybe sometimes it's ok to open your minds to a different tradition if you are all wanting to be a part of the "international" scene. And as previously said, this tradition is not just American but done in many countries.

"wanting to be part of the international scene"....rofl

Moral of the story lady: Don't ask for advice you can't accept.

Hagar

Bambi wrote:

fordeluvvinhonorajayzuz :rolleyes:

That's the word I was looking for. Thanks.
Why don't we just call all our children Coca Cola McDonald and be done with it?

JC 2K3

OP, you clearly want the presents. Otherwise you wouldn't be so stubborn as to what you call the party.

simu

Oh, go on and have the shower. I really don't see what the fuss is about and if people get odd about it, that's their problem! I mean, going out and buying a few babygros or something as a present isn't going to break anyone's bank balance, is it?

And have fun!

dbnavan

OK I will end my participation in this thread by saying if this is an American Tradition, which it is, and the OP, is American which she is. Then she should go ahead and have her day. I am sure the Americans in New York, wondered WTF ex pats where doing when they decided to march down Manhatten to celebrate Patricks Day when the 'rest' of America was not Irish.

Go ahead enjoy your day and dont mind all the personal attacks, there have also been immature attacks on me in this thread that I cant even be ar$ed to reply to.

dbnavan

sinecurea wrote:

OP, I'm sure you don't invite your friends around to celebrate thanksgiving, so you probably shouldn't do the same for a baby shower.

My wife is American and we had a lovely big turkey and all the irish family around last November

Chinafoot

Ah for god sake. :rolleyes: Nobody has made any "personal attacks".

Almost everyone has told the OP to go ahead and have her party but to just be aware of how it may be perceived and that things are done a little differently here. That's all. Most people have said that a party would be a good idea as she is away from family at the moment.

She asked for advice and it was given. She didn't like it and she got defensive and accused people of being anti-American. End of.

dbnavan

peachypants wrote:

Ah for god sake. :rolleyes: Nobody has made any "personal attacks".

DaveMcG wrote:

Are you on f*cking drugs?

You must be just looking for a f*cking fight or somethin. It makes no difference whether we're parents or not. You're talking out of your arse, grow up.

:rolleyes:

Sangre

Personal attacks against her. If you were any slower you'd be going back in time.

dbnavan

Sangre wrote:

Personal attacks against her. If you were any slower you'd be going back in time.

Well done brainiac reading the Little book of insults again where you?
I never mentioned attacks on the OP of which there has also been a few

Dyr

Hagar wrote:

That's the word I was looking for. Thanks.
Why don't we just call all our children Coca Cola McDonald and be done with it?

I suggest Cómhca Cómhlaith-MhicDonald as a compromise

Chinafoot

dbnavan wrote:

I never mentioned attacks on the OP of which there has also been a few

Uhmmm...

dbnavan wrote:

Go ahead enjoy your day and dont mind all the personal attacks, there have also been immature attacks on me in this thread that I cant even be ar$ed to reply to.

How quickly we forget, eh?

On-topic: The OP asked for advice and got it. I personally would find it odd to be invited to a baby shower and would see it as bad luck and slightly cheeky. That doesn't make me anti-American, nor does it make me narrow minded. To be perfectly honest, I think it is far more narrow minded to insist on your way or no way without even considering a compromise to encompass both cultures. The posters here have provided lots of ideas for a compromise to the culture divide. The OP didn't want to hear it. *shrug*

The OP should have her party if it'll make her feel better about being away from her family. Again, a bit of awareness about the culture she is currently in is all the posters on this thread were trying to instill.

On-topic: The OP asked for advice and got it. *shrug*

And ignored it. I've given up on responding to threads like this. "Do you think it's a good idea to go out and mug an old lady? No? Well I'm doing it anyway, I don't give a **** what you think!"

Dave!

dbnavan wrote:

OK I will end my participation in this thread by saying if this is an American Tradition, which it is, and the OP, is American which she is. Then she should go ahead and have her day. I am sure the Americans in New York, wondered WTF ex pats where doing when they decided to march down Manhatten to celebrate Patricks Day when the 'rest' of America was not Irish.

Go ahead enjoy your day and dont mind all the personal attacks, there have also been immature attacks on me in this thread that I cant even be ar$ed to reply to.

Ahh you poor sensitive thing... If you weren't talking sh*te then I'd be more gentle with my words, but you're just ignoring the whole thread and as usual looking for something to moan about.

Don't worry, I'll ignore your posts from now on, it's the only way I'll keep my sanity :rolleyes:

Santa Claus

trillianv wrote:

I think more of my point in the original post, which has now gotten lost, is that I was hurt that my in-laws are so blase about the whole thing when I go out of my way to do nice things for them. OK obviously I knew most people would see it as a begging for gifts or a way to make someone obliged to feel they have to get a gift, but in all honesty those people will make their excuses not to come.

As many others have said, your mother in law would be of the generation that consider it very unlucky to buy anything for the child before it was born (tempting fate), so this explains why she is not keen on throwing a party for the baby before the baby has safely arrived.
As for your sister in law, she's probably going by her mothers reaction.
(Interestingly enough, Jewish tradition also used to frown on the buying of things for a baby before the baby was born.)

Enjoy your party, just try to understanding of our traditions (i.e. the not buying anything for the baby before it's born) and people will be understanding of yours.

embee

When I was pregnant, all of the girls at work (Irish girls) were hankering to throw me a baby shower. I was uncomfortable with the idea tbh - mainly because I thought it would make people pressurised into bringing gifts etc. I'm not superstitious at all and myself and my partner had bought everything baby needed well in advance. I suggested instead that we all go for a meal instead on the strict condition that no gifts were bought. They were happy with that, and we went for a lovely meal all together.

Of course, as soon as the baby was born, I was absolutely inundated with presents to the point of weariness. People see tiny little pink/blue outfits, cute teddies etc. and can't help buying them, but at least them, its their choice as opposed to feeling hoodwinked into buying presents.

lorraine1456

I think that calling it a shower definitely implies "bring gifts." (I'm Canadian)

I think that if you want to call it a shower, invite your close friends who wouldn't feel bad bringing no gift, or who wouldn't feel bad bringing another gift later. Otherwise you risk awkwardness at your get-together, or people not coming at all. People like aunties or friends of your mother in law, who aren't that close to you, might feel bad at not knowing whether to bring a gift or not. But I spose it's no big deal to buy a sleeper or onesie, but some people feel weird if they think their gift isn't nice enough.

It sounds like you want to be pampered, and before the baby is born is a good opportunity. you just might get happier people at the gathering if you call it a party instead of a shower.

I guess if you really want to have a shower, have a gift registry with small items on it, like sleepers and sippy cups and small toys. That way everyone knows what they're supposed to bring, everyone is happy.

fly_agaric

dbnavan wrote:

Whole point of this post is when the Irish move away they expect to bring Ireland with them, but if you wanna move here, well u just have to adapt to the Irish way.......

Er, I don't think thats what (most) people have been saying at all.

They have just warned the OP that she might get adverse reactions due to cross-cultural misunderstandings (people may think they are either being expected to give on the double and/or give presents before the baby is born even though they don't really want to as its not traditional/puts the mi-adh on the birth etc). Basically, a reminder that Ireland != America quite yet (alot done, more to do!), as opposed to everyone must do things the "Irish way" in Ireland.

I hope you don't take that as an immature attack??

OP - if the past and present are a guide to the future, I'm sure in a few years time almost every expectant mother in Ireland will be having "baby showers" thrown for them. You are probably ahead of the curve.

EDIT - see embee's post above FEG...

Sleepy

TBH, from what I've seen of it on TV I've always thought it looked like a rather vulgar tradition. When the very name of the thing implies that it's all about showering the mother-to-be with presents it's probably too forthright for non-Americans to think of in a positive light.

Though tbh OP, I think hen/stag nights are particularly tacky aspects of our own culture so don't think it's a personal thing that I see throwing a baby shower as lacking in class. It's not personal at all, you're just part of the majority of this country that I don't like

Madge

To the OP, I wouldn't take seriously the negative responses you got here. Most of them don't even 'get' the point of a baby shower, which is to actually celebrate the impending birth of a baby. It gives the expectant mum a chance to chat with her friends / family about the birth in a relaxed setting. Yes a few gifts can be exchanged. What the heck is wrong with that?! especially if the expectant mother is not having a christening or a party or gathering after the birth. I also doubt that the people invited would buy the important and large and expensive items such as the cot or pram, as these would be bought by the parents according to their preferences.
Also, If people give a gift at a baby shower, then they wouldn't have to give another gift after the birth. The posters on here don't seem to understand that!

To the people who are against the idea of a baby shower: It is worth reminding you of the ridiculous excesses to which people go to when they're having a 21st or any other birthday party or an anniversary celebration or an engagement party or a big fancy wedding :rolleyes:
IMO a baby shower is minisule in comparison to these overhyped events.
Also, An impending new life is worth celebrating rather then someone turning a year older.

It is not a tradition in Ireland and and that is why most people are against it, which is stupid IMO.

OP, I would not take the negative responses of the people here as speaking for everyone. Have your baby shower and enjoy it!

BMH

Madge wrote:

To the OP, I wouldn't take seriously the negative responses you got here. Most of them don't even 'get' the point of a baby shower, which is to actually celebrate the impending birth of a baby. It gives the expectant mum a chance to chat with her friends / family about the birth in a relaxed setting. Yes a few gifts can be exchanged. What the heck is wrong with that?! especially if the expectant mother is not having a christening or a party or gathering after the birth. I also doubt that the people invited would buy the important and large and expensive items such as the cot or pram, as these would be bought by the parents according to their preferences.

Why ignore the posters? They represent the teen-~30 sector of Ireland and are giving their honest opinions. It's likely the OP's friends fall into this sector too so the poster's here are simply giving an idea of what people might think when they hear it. You have a different opinion, which is fine. The "point" of the Baby Shower would be taken to give the mother a hand in getting everything needed to raise a child. The fact that she's throwing it herself would be a bit cheeky to most people but it doesn't need to be as she doesn't even want gifts. Instead, she wants a day to talk and be with her friends so why call it something it's not?

Also, If people give a gift at a baby shower, then they wouldn't have to give another gift after the birth. The posters on here don't seem to understand that!

But the Iirsh as a race never like to be seen as stingy and would hate to show up to a party being the only ones with no gift. once again, the poster's represent this.

It is not a tradition in Ireland and and that is why most people are against it, which is stupid IMO.

You're right, it's not a tradition, hence the posters calling on the OP to call it something else, as she doesn't even want the showering of gifts as the name implies.


This really is making a mountain out of the molehill that is the name "Baby shower". Just call it something else and all is well again.


Just as a footnote, this post is a about the majority of the people that posted, obviously not "everyone" spoke the same way.

Madge

BMH wrote:

Why ignore the posters? They represent the teen-~30 sector of Ireland and are giving their honest opinions.

I never said she should ignore the posters. What I meant was that the OP should not take too seriously the 4 or 5 people here who voiced their strong dislike of the idea of a baby shower as not everyone feels that way!

BMH wrote:

The "point" of the Baby Shower would be taken to give the mother a hand in getting everything needed to raise a child.

I never see it like that. Applying your logic, then the point of a 21st party or an engagement party or a wedding is to get as much money and presents as possible. Is that how you view every gathering and celebration??

BMH wrote:

The fact that she's throwing it herself would be a bit cheeky to most people but it doesn't need to be as she doesn't even want gifts.

Why is a bit cheeky? I had a party for my 21st, I organised it myself. Is that seen as cheeky?? My cousin had an engagement party. She organised it herself. There is no difference in the OP organising it or her mother in law. Who is even interested in who organises it anyway? It makes no difference!!

BMH wrote:

Instead, she wants a day to talk and be with her friends so why call it something it's not?But the Iirsh as a race never like to be seen as stingy and would hate to show up to a party being the only ones with no gift. once again, the poster's represent this.

At any gathering or party, it is never said to anyone to bring gifts (except maybe at a wedding with those wedding list thinggies) so IMO the OP should not call it something its not. She should just call it a baby shower. Again, the OP is not having a party after the birth.

BMH wrote:

You're right, it's not a tradition, hence the posters calling on the OP to call it something else, as she doesn't even want the showering of gifts as the name implies.

Why should she call it something else to appease other people's preconceived notions about the celebration / party?
The OP may not want loads of gifts at the party but she is not having a gathering or party after the birth, so people are going to bring the gifts at the shower, whether she officially calls it a shower or not.

SingingCherry

I feel for you! I'm an American living here, just married, and since they don't have bridal showers here, and I was only home once before the wedding, I didn't get a wedding shower. This is something that still upsets me to this day.

It's not about the gifts, and it's not about the pampering, it's about making the occassion special and when it doesn't happen for you because the people you are with don't understand how important it is to you, and it's seen as tacky to do it yourself, it's understandable to get upset. When I'm pregnant, I hope that one of my American friends here will think to throw a party for me (because...well.... while I sympathize, it is sort of tacky to hold a shower for yourself), as I would do for them.

I hope you have a great time at your party. Maybe if you do it, some of your friends will do it when they are pregnant, and by the time I'm pregnant it will be a done thing!

Congrats on the baby, and have fun!

Brian Capture

baby showers = irritating

JC 2K3

Brian Capture wrote:

baby showers = irritating

Customs that revolve around consumerism = irritating tbh

iguana

Madge wrote:

To the people who are against the idea of a baby shower: It is worth reminding you of the ridiculous excesses to which people go to when they're having a 21st or any other birthday party or an anniversary celebration or an engagement party or a big fancy wedding :rolleyes:

So because some people conduct disgusting displays of rampant consumerism it is ok to introduce more of the same to our society. I sure as hell never had a 21st. On that night I just went out with my friends like I did on most Tuesday nights back then. Sure I got presents from my friends and some immediate family but none of my more distant relative were expected to put £21 in a card in order to eat cold sauusages in the back room of a pub in the same way that I have seen with other friends and cousins.

I'm also getting married in 8 and a half weeks and I'm having a small civil ceremony, followed by champagne(read Aldi's finest cava;) ) in the park, followed by a buffet at our house. And we are asking that instead of gifts we are asking for guests to donate to charity. So when I suggest that the OP do what she can to ease the pressure on here friends, so they don't feel pressure to give guests I'm stating what I believe should be genral human decency. Not picking and choosing which areas of rampant consumerism I deem acceptable.

I can see why the OP would want friends around her at this time. I live in a different country from my family and I dread the thought of a first pregnancy without having my mother close by. Having and maintaining a close support network of friends sounds vital. But the OP seems to be largely motivated by recieving gifts. Time and again she has pointed out why she feels the Irish tradition of giving gifts after the birth to be flawed, and I don't know why that would even enter the conversation if she didn't want to be "showered" with gifts next month.

Dyr

I only actually heard of baby showers because some american i work with was recounting how she came to a mutual baby shower throwing pact with another american should either become pregnant, and it was ALL about the showering of these theoretical babies with present's. She was like "cos OMG what if i was pregnant and no-one organised a baby shower for me?? like how embarrasing OMG!!"


just have the fecking baby tbh, the occasion isnt actually all that special unless its was an immaculate conception or something. In which case three foreign lads should be handling the whole gift thing anyway

Blush_01

SingingCherry wrote:

I feel for you! I'm an American living here

...well.... while I sympathize, it is sort of tacky to hold a shower for yourself

Says it all.

Santa Claus

Bambi wrote:

just have the fecking baby tbh, the occasion isnt actually all that special unless its was an immaculate conception or something. In which case three foreign lads should be handling the whole gift thing anyway

Classic Post !!